20 Signs You’re Incredibly Deprived of Sex
Originally published on gayguys.com
The absence of sex can make any man go crazy, but for gay guys, it’s a particular form of insanity. When everyone around you is getting laid, the reality that you’re not becomes depressing. So much so that everything starts revolving around the visible dry spell you’re trying to get over. But hey, we’ve been there! To prove it, here are some things you’re probably suffering through whether you care to admit it or not.
- Masturbation is non-negotiable when planning your day. Wake up, masturbate. Before you go to sleep, masturbate. The pesky things in the middle only take up well-needed time.
- Your fantasies are a bit overboard. The imagination gets crazy the longer you go without sex. Suddenly, you’re imagining your favorite barista giving you coffee in a jock strap; your boss laying papers on your desk dressed in a ball and gag; your roommate doing yoga in the nude – so many images with absolutely nothing tying them together. It’s like your entire world turns into a personalized YouPorn channel.
- You take the alternate route to work just to stare at that one billboard. You know the billboard I’m talking about. The one with the model who is totally your type – his eyes speak to you and his face looks like chiseled by a Greek God. He’s yours, he just doesn’t know it yet, so you need to visit him every day to send it out in the universe. Maybe he’ll get the message via ESP.
- You start watching gay porn for the story lines. For whatever reason, you want to know the men behind the scene. Are they, in fact, roommates in college? Are they, in fact, coworkers? Aw, that’s so sweet the pool boy has a crush on his boss. Aw, how adorable – that one runner spotted the guy running next to him and now they’re having sex.
- Grindr is on the home page of your Smartphone. Who needs the extra seconds to click on your applications page and scroll down when you can hit the home option and go straight to it? Every second counts when you’re on the hunt for a steamy bathroom romance.
- The pursuit of sex wastes time and never seems to have an actual result. The countless hours of Grinding away on your phone, having met many potential candidates, ends up being a waste of time, because even now after hours of Grinding, you’re still home alone in your bed with the laptop open. Maybe sex apps are a waste of time…? Nah! There’s always tomorrow.
- You’re insanely jealous when someone else is having sex. They aren’t even as good-looking as you. Hell, they’re not even kinky or wild or sexually stimulated by everything as well as you are, but they seem to be having sex. Constantly. What is wrong with this world?
- You don’t remember the last time you wore sexy underwear on purpose. You always look for opportunities to buy sexy underwear, but it’s become a natural thing to wear your favorite trunks when no one knows. When was the last time you wore them specifically for another man to lust after? Uh… eh… hmm…
- You become a cock-block because if you can’t have it, no one can! Don’t mean to start a vendetta, but by God if you can’t have sex, then no one will. The thought of someone else getting penetrated while you’re stuck at home watching Netflix with your cat is too much to bear. Either turn the volume up or constantly put your body in the middle of theirs when watching Fashion Police. Sorry, not sorry.
- Eating becomes erotic. Never make eye contact while eating a banana. Never eat out an orange slice at the table. Never suck on a spaghetti noodle in public. These just inspire you to think naughty thoughts.
- You’re subscribing to more and more gay tumblr accounts. For whatever reason, “archive” becomes a word that is part of your daily vocabulary. That, and “refresh.”
- The dude in the subway smiles in your direction and without questioning it, you go for the kill. It comes out like word vomit: “Are you from around here?” “My name is ____. I take this route all the time.” “May I penetrate you tonight?” “Here’s my number.”
- Shirtless photos of hot male celebrities are at the top of your Google searches. You can’t help it. There always seems to be a new actor taking his shirt off at some gay club or at the beach. You need to be the first to see it so you can live vicariously through him. Lord knows you’re deprived of these images at home.
- You go to the gym for the eye candy. You arrive at the gym ready for a day of sweat and stretching. Three hours later, you realize you spent ten minutes on the elliptical, ten minutes on the yoga mat, and two hours and forty minutes in the sauna. But the sauna is good for you, right? Sweats out the toxins, right?
- A nonchalant touch from a strange man is the hottest thing in the world. Sometimes you’ll even force it by “accidentally” running into the guy at the gym who is trying his damn hardest to not make eye contact with you.
- You carry condoms to make yourself feel better. Somehow they give you confidence that if there’s ever an opportunity, you will be ready for it!
- You spend $200 on Live Webcam sex when you’re drunk at home, only to forget about it the next day, until you check your bank account. Story of your life.
- You start making trips to the office convenience even if you don’t need to go. You never know, maybe you’ll run into some hot stallion, make eye contact with him and lure him inside a stall to have your way with each other. It hasn’t happened yet, but, you know… it might.
- When there’s a glimmer of hope you might be having sex, you start planning for it like it were the Olympics. It’s on like Donkey Kong. Shower, shave, trim, body butter, pheromone oil, set the candles, get the towel ready, turn the music on, prepare the condom. You think he’s into poppers? You think he’s cut or uncut? You think he wants wine or hard liquor? Oh God, he’s here. Oh no wait, that’s just the cat lady downstairs. Ok, phew, just breathe. It’s okay. You’re going to get laid and it’s going to be smooth sailing… I need a drink.
- The second you get laid, you tell the world about it. Everyone short of your mother knows you got it in last night because, hey, you’re the king! You had sex and now you’re ready to conquer the world. Hell, maybe you’ll even do it again!
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42 Comments
Dennis Macaulay
October 21, 05:40#StoryOfMyLife
I am currently celibate and I am aiming for 6 months…..so help me god!
masturbation never works for me, it’s almost like having an appetiser! I would still want the main course and desert so I don’t often bother.
About taking the alternate route home, that one is true ooo. There is that woodin billboard that Korede Bello is wearing just a woodin waist coast and pants only. That advert is the main reason why I pass through GRA Phase 3 sometimes
**covers face in shame **
As per sexy underwear? I don’t wear any form of underwear so I don’t think that applies to me.
Once I was watching someone use the photocopying machine and I could have sworn he suddenly pulled down his pants to his ankles and bent over the machine. I felt something growing in me somewhere and I fled….
Pink Panther
October 21, 05:45In your celibacy, you’ll never masturbate? You’ve never masturbated? Never ever?
Dennis Macaulay
October 21, 06:02I’m aiming not to
pete
October 21, 07:06Is this celibacy as a result of the upcoming marathon or or…
Dennis Macaulay
October 21, 08:37“Akpako” doesn’t affect running form or endurance na!
Atleast from my experience, so both are unrelated
Max
October 21, 07:11Glad you’ve finally decided to be celibate, for the third time this year..???
Dennis Macaulay
October 21, 08:38**Ignoring and rising above**
Griffin
October 21, 07:48Hey Dennis, I’ll be in the garden city soonest, lets hang out and be celibate together.
Pink Panther
October 21, 07:51Hahahahahaaa! Oh Griffin.
Zoro
October 05, 21:39A part of this apply to me lol?????
U won’t understand this until your are horny??
Dennis Macaulay
October 21, 08:39You see how I am trying to be a good person, but the devil keeps sending his shildren with humongous cakes my way?
I cast and bind
**speaking in tongues**
posh6666
October 21, 08:14Lmaoooooo who knew we will see this day?u Dennis practising celibacy?pls let the house know when u successfully reach the 6mnths target.????
Dennis Macaulay
October 21, 08:41See them, enemies of progress! My god will ansa all of you
**singing along to Chioma Jesus**
posh6666
October 21, 08:47Me too am singing to *osinachi* you blame us?Dennis u have carved a niche for urself in here,you are like the official resident “man whore”??????anyways sum1 is already advertising himself to you sef above,saying he wants u guys to practise celbacy together?lmaoooo what does that even mean?na so so ashawo people full this place*sprinkles holy water*
Max
October 21, 07:09Bull crap. Only the wanking is true(its true whether you’re getting laid constantly or not). Others are just gibberish. I know one or two cock blockers here though *hey Dennis*.
john
October 21, 07:14As for now no sex and masturbation, wanna live to focus. Some guys don’t worth giving koochie,when they have u , pet u and they say its over.
#Chestnut
October 21, 07:16None of these things ever happend to me…except the wanking.
Mitch
October 21, 07:17I’ve been celibate for 5 months now. And I haven’t experienced any of these signs. Heck, I don’t even masturbate.
Chizzie
October 21, 07:22Lol this was funny, I’m guilty of the tumblr thing though and maybe the gay porn thing and the underwear thing but this was when I was holed up in a remote pit toilet ridden village serving this country. Now my vag’s shaved, and thongs and jockstraps are washed & starched and I can’t wait for the weekend.
Griffin
October 21, 07:44Yass!!! !!
Sinnex
October 21, 07:38I think I am the weird one here.
Everyone claims none of the aforementioned happens to them while I could swear that I am presently experiencing about 85% of them.
The fact is that when you finally have sex you end up being disappointed because the expectations was damn too high.
Griffin
October 21, 07:43OMG!!!!!!, this is so true, number 2,4,7, and 15 are regular occurrences with me.. ….if last night’s stint at Olympic Sitout was anything to go by.
drizzle
October 21, 08:115 months, 6 months. U all need to chill. I haven’t had sex with anyone in 2years and 7 months. I fear for myself tho and I am only guilty of Masturbation on this list, odas I know not.
posh6666
October 21, 08:19Well the writer forgot to add acute depression,bitterness,anger issues and generally being disillusional,generally drowning in see of negativity and trying to attack people better than you when u are a non factor.We have some few in here too i believe.☺
Chizzie
October 21, 08:47This “See of Negativity” you talk about, is it adjacent the Hear of Negativity lake? You know, the one that flows into the Speak of Negativity river…
Please let us know .
Plus I never knew one could be disillusional o, I always figured the right verb was disillusioned. But you know…keep the flag flying Posh.
Regal Sweetheart
October 21, 10:29Lol!! Chizzie, you’re just mean. From the pit of hell, this one.
PETROVICH
October 21, 08:28Bless God i do not experience all the aforementioned things (except occasional masturbation). Thank God for constant ‘Friction’ and ‘Heat Exchange’
Duke
October 21, 08:29The gym, gay porn, accidentally bumping into a crush and always keeping myself ready; this is the story of my life. You guys are saying six months? Lol! Lol! I literally followed a guy to the steam room at the gym today after waiting for so long for him to finish his workout so I could get a glimpse of his half naked body in the steam room. Being celibate is nerve killing! I hate wanking too, so my life is tied around David Mctinosh IG page now.
posh6666
October 21, 08:58Glad to know its not only me that doesnt masturbate like super ewwww.Even saw a gif on twitter d guy actually sucked himself and came in his own mouth.I was like i don die??????
Itz_Mztur JOJOARMANI
October 21, 09:31Now this post just suggested that 85percent of (gay) guys masturbate like always…. odikwa egwu o….
btw what could be the cause? absence of sex or?
Colossus
October 21, 10:20Hahaha hahaha haha. Oh this was hilarious, really and truly hilarious. Lighten up guys, the writer is not saying all these must happen to you while going through a dry spell, maybe one, two or all of them. It was beautifully written, humour spot on.
Pink Panther
October 21, 10:21Finally!
Someone saw the humour it was intended to be.
Sweetescape
October 21, 11:16Oh dear.#memories
Delle
October 21, 11:40Hahaha I reminisce the days, the black old days. The entry is kinda true except some few things like Grindr, masturbation…nehh. Don’t do those.
Maybe I’m a cock-block, maybe not. Fantasies tho…*giggling sheepishly*
Mandy
October 21, 11:43No one masturbates on Kito Diaries.
Chizzie
October 21, 13:56Like Ikr…including the celibate one and the pseudo posh one. *rolls eyes*
posh6666
October 21, 14:29Lol dear mandy the question is do you? if you do then i guess atleast one person on kd does abi.
Delle
October 21, 11:47How on earth could you guys forget to add being OVERLY RELIGIOUS. The ‘holier than thou’ attitude would become a halo for you. I had that. If I won’t get sexed, then I should be happy cos I’m not as much a sinner as you are, right? That shit gets me going…once you get laid, fuck Christianity! Lol
ronniephoenix
October 21, 15:28Hmmmmmmmmmm, ok ooooooo.
Since I have nothing to comment, I will just sit here and wait for comment of people who are ready to “die” for sex.
While we have just have “disgusting” act of sex twice in our life, and do not wish for more.
Danish
October 21, 16:16One of the main reasons why I am a n a gym right now is to stare at the eye candy that goes through that place. And as for the fantasies, sometimes I see myself getting down with one of the buff guys in the changing room.
Tobby
October 21, 19:13Ok. I masturbate, and that’s about it.
Something must be wrong with me. I’m not getting sex- starved the right way.lol
phemmi
October 24, 23:01Very true…I am so sex-starved….lol