BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story. – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I am Nuel, a bisexual man and an intending MGM – or should that be MBM? Anyway, Phew! Glad I got that out of the way.
I am a lifelong fan and reader of this blog. I must commend Pink Panther for the amazing work he has done so far. Some of the stories and the emotions I see in them make me sad at what our country is doing to certain members of the society, albeit unknowingly and in ignorance.
I have watched with dismay the often one-sided narrative issues regarding MGM and bisexuality tend to assume on these pages. The anti-MGM group seem more vocal and more in number, and always hell-bent to make assumptions for the MGM/MBM (I’ll be using them interchangeably, mbok). Double standards, anyone? And on the other hand, for reasons I do not know, the MGM do not seem ready to engage or do so half-heartedly. Hence, negative perceptions abound here on the lives of Married Gay Men.
Chinua Achebe once said, “If you don’t like someone’s story, write your own.” And being a firm adherent of the religion of Achebeism, I have decided to put certain aspects of my life and bisexuality on paper. I do not intend to hold brief for anyone nor say my story is true for every MGM out there, but to challenge the mostly incorrect notions about being gay/bisexual and married in a deeply homophobic country like Nigeria.
Growing up, I had my difficulties grasping my unique ability to straddle both worlds. This series will make references to such times, but at the most, you will be getting accounts of somebody who has accepted himself and is unapologetic about it.
Before I start this series proper though, there are a few things I would like to say about my bisexuality.
***
“I can understand people being gay, but I just can’t wrap my head around people being bisexual. To me, that’s a sign of deep confusion. Not knowing who you are. Not being able to make up your mind. Maybe just wanting the attention.”
Those where the words of the first man I shared physical intimacy with, and this was after we’d made love. He was older, worldly-wiser and somebody I had looked up to. The remarks came after I told him that I had sex with Kainene, a fellow undergraduate and female that I’d always admired. He was someone whose words I took as gospel, and on the heels of his expression of this sentiment, I assumed something was wrong with me. Ever since I started becoming sexually aware, a lady with ample bosom would always command my attention; this was the same for a guy with a well-formed derriere. It wasn’t until we broke up and I had other liaisons that I realised that his sentiment was the default position of most people, even people who are progressive and liberal.
I have narrowed down these misconceptions to five, and will try to discuss them:
PROMISCUITY:
Bisexuals are no more or less promiscuous than anyone else. This ought to be an obvious fact, right? Unfortunately, it isn’t, at least not to a good portion of people I know. Even so, there’s nothing wrong with promiscuity, so long as you use protection. A few KDians have tried without success, it would seem, to champion this view here. Sexual drives differ amongst people, and trying to be the moral compass for another is a recipe for disaster.
COMMITMENT:
If someone has a problem remaining committed in a monogamous relationship, then that’s a reflection of this someone as a person, not of everyone who happens to share some particular trait with him (well, unless that trait happens to be ‘commitment problems,’ then yes). This always seems to be the bone of contention amongst many people, even here on Kito Diaries. Being attracted to both sexes should not be equated with a lack of commitment. They are two different things.
ONE FOOT IN THE CLOSET:
I have this friend who is gay. According to him, I have one foot in the closet and the other outside. He always says I can fit into the heteronormativity that the society approves. While technically true, is it the full story? I’m still bisexual and many people will not look kindly on the fact that I am attracted to guys. Some people in my life, fiancée included, are aware of my bisexuality. Am I still in the closet then?
CONFUSION:
When a friend of mine told me I was just confused following a conversation about my bisexuality, I literally got confused. “Well, am I gay?” I asked myself then. But no, I had been attracted to girls before, and I couldn’t be straight since I’d found other dudes attractive too. What then in the world was I, if bisexual wasn’t an option, I wonder.
EASY WAY OUT:
Being bisexual is not ‘easy way out’. It is simply who I am. Calling bisexuality an ‘easy way out’ makes it seem like one can choose to be bisexual. Don’t we all say sexual orientation is never a conscious choice? Being LGBT in a homophobic country like Nigeria is hard on its own. I am not trying to belittle the hardship that exclusive gays and lesbians go through. I am merely focusing on bisexuality as it is who I am and the problems of a bisexual are what I’m most familiar with.
I’ll conclude with the immortal words of the amazing Bisi Alimi: “Imagine being told it’s illegal to be you…”
Even from people who should know better.
***
On a final note, this series will not be regular. Secondly, I will not apologise for liberally quoting Chimamanda and Chinua. (See, I’m on a first name basis with them.)
Now, we can begin…
Written by Nuel
About author
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60 Comments
Mandy
September 07, 06:58An MGM series from an MGM point of view. ?? ???? This oughtta be interesting. 😀
I like your argument for the bisexual. That ending line though:
“Imagine being told it’s illegal to be you…”
Even from people who should know better.
Really, those of us who are quick to dismiss the validity of bisexuality whilst being gay themselves should know better.
Delle
September 07, 11:42MBM Mandy, MBM…
Kenny
September 07, 07:00Nuel osheeeyyyy????. Biko make it as often as you can.
Dubem
September 07, 07:01Someone out of the fold doth speaketh. 😀 You’re brave, Nuel. Nice first entry. But you know the anti-MGM Pharisees and Sadducees will be waiting for you to attempt to justify any infidelity you might’ve had, yea? lol
Peak
September 07, 07:08Nuel I’d like to thank you for taking the initiative to give voice to one of the most contentious topics on KD. I would particularly be on the look out for this series.
Please keep in mind that I have always been pro MGM and Bisexuality, but I would probably be one of most critical commenters as far as ur piece goes (I’m personally invested). So do me a favour and make sure all ur bases are well covered and ur stories and ideas are solidly aligned and well put together.
As for you pilot, a commendable start, but nothing strong enough to rock my boat, talk more of people who are anti or have reservations about ur line of argument.
Good luck and DON’T fuck it up!
Pink Panther
September 07, 07:14?? And that is how Peak turned on the heat on the gas cooker.
Dennis Macaulay
September 07, 07:15Nuel will be writing his story and HIS experiences! Its not fiction so its not on him to “cover all bases”, he will simply be speaking out about how he experiences his life. Do not attempt to steer him towards making this an attempt at politics. Allow him to tell his stories organically, just the way life happens to him
Pink Panther
September 07, 07:27????????
Kenny
September 07, 07:29Your head dey there. ?
Peak
September 07, 07:31@DM, Nuel wouldn’t just be telling a story. Going by his opening piece, he would be explaining some concepts about bisexuality and the road to MGM/MBM from his own perspective. Those are the areas that I am more concerned about. I have areas of concerns regarding my personal life that needs answers and sorting. Right now, he is the closest I’d probably be getting. So he might as well put up a compelling case.
For example, I am not fully sold on his point about CONFUSION, but since we’d be getting a story, I’d rather keep my questions till then.
Dennis Macaulay
September 07, 07:38He will be sharing his own perspective, the way he sees life. My point is that this is a personal account of his life so do not expect it to be this big political thing that will be used to explain away all the bigotry extended towards MGMs/MBMs on these streets. Do not put him under that sort of pressure, allow him to tell his own stories.
This is very important because at some point I know he will share perspectives that are not popular or politically correct and many will attempt to stake him.
We should allow the guy just share his journey with us, take parts of the journey that speak to you and use it in your life. There will also be parts that you don’t agree with, you are free to unlook those parts or even voice your disapproval.
Let’s not cast on him the burden of ensuring his stories follow a certain narrative! This is a memoir and they should be as organic as possible
*Drops Mic and Exits Stage*
Mandy
September 07, 07:42He even gave a caveat:
“…I have decided to put certain aspects of my life and bisexuality on paper. I do not intend to hold brief for anyone nor say my story is true for every MGM out there…”
Your head is truly there, DM.
pete
September 07, 07:21Wow. Just wow. I can relate to this.
Dim
September 07, 07:44Thanks a lot Neul for this write up. Most commenters here,are younger folks, as opposed to older MGM, who wouldn’t want unnecessary insults associated with young gay men. Having made this comment on, an earlier story about a Ranting Pastor, who has arrogated himself the status of God. It is imperative, I also state it here for wider coverage.
“Judging Others” Matthew 7 :2-5, Do not judge others, so that God will not judge you…You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye,and then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Same goes to to those condemning MGM on this platform. We all have our different destinations and purposes in life, so please mind your own business.”
Keredim
September 07, 07:50@Peak., Calm down. As Nuel said:
“Chinua Achebe once said, “If you don’t like someone’s story, write your own.”……
Like DM said, it is Nuel’s personal story. He will tell it as he HAS experienced it. You can learn from it or not. By all means ask questions, but please let’s try not make this an “Anti-MGM” vs “Pro-MGM” issue. (At least not yet)
Well done Nuel. Thanks for this.
Mandy
September 07, 07:55:O Keredim is Back!!! 😀
Dude, all that international whoring been keeping you real busy or what? It had to take an MGM advocacy piece to bring back your attention?
Brian Collins
September 08, 21:43Our big uncle is back. Weicome sa.
Mike
September 07, 07:53Lobatan
Bloom
September 07, 08:51All ears, and eyes. Brave
chuck
September 07, 08:51Sigh. Still waiting for the person that will actually address cheating and living a double life, instead of pointing out how pure and natural his bisexuality is. Whether you’re pansexual or Denrelesexual, if you’ve convinced someone that they’re the only person you’re dating or involved with, while dallying with others, then you ain’t shit, and you’re a liar and a dishonest cheat. Bisexuality is no excuse, neither is heterosexuality or homosexuality.
And, for the self righteous among my brothers and sisters, I’ve never cheated! Its not that hard to respect others if you think it’s valuable.
IBK
September 07, 10:13You’ve never cheated.. Probably cause you’re too insufferable to date in the first place
???????
ambivalentone
September 07, 10:32Figures. Only a cheat would like to date a totally permissive and tolerant mugu obviously.
Chuck
September 07, 12:07I see I now have a stalker/ fan. It’s kind of fun. Let’s see if you can stalk as well as Chizzie did.
ambivalentone
September 07, 08:52I had this gleeful expression on my face as I read this. “FINALLY!!! Some scapegoat to trip up on his truth (lies)”. I should not have commented, but certain allusions to ‘anti-MGMs’ being quiet riled me up. Of course, you are writing as an unmarried individual. Not that it helps your case much tho, but of course it is supposed to be an exposé into the workings of a bisexual cum married gay man’s mind.
@DIM, Pls don’t be. Age definitely doesn’t guarantee access to wisdom, only probably experience. Kindly note PROBABLY.
Truth
September 07, 14:44Oh we’re not quiet, we are just very selective with our responses these days since most gay people I’ve seen are foolish enough to voice out their foolishness in the first place. So don’t worry, we will be watching.
Brian Collins
September 08, 21:46I just knew I would find you here on your tightly wound anti-MGM throne, Ambi. I see you gan.
Queen Blue Fox
September 07, 10:00Apparently you two above chose to ignore the part where he said his fiance knows he is bisexual and the part where he said he is telling his story. I just Kent! Selective reading anyone? Okbye
ambivalentone
September 07, 10:44Of course I did. And now that you have reminded him, I hope there won’t be vaguely remembered conversations and avoided/fabricated current state of things in the ‘relationship’. But how will we ever know ehn? *goes back to reading about Brandmuse*
Queen Blue Fox
September 07, 11:11You’re beyond redemption
Kainene
September 07, 10:12bravo nuel this is beautifulllll. looking forward to seeing more…
Khaleesi
September 07, 10:33Nuel, this is a very brave attempt – i commend your bravery. In the past, i used to not understand bisexuality, but the more i came across and interacted with bisexuals, the more i began to understand that some persons and truly bisexual, the fact that their bisexuality makes it easier to fit into society’s expectations is beside the point. Eagerly looking forward to hearing YOUR STORY, please dont feel pressured to tailor your story to suit anyone’s whims, please tell it as it is! Please don’t keep us waiting too long for the next one …
Truth
September 07, 14:46Would you ever agree to date a bisexual or a Bible thumping ‘gay Christian’?
Naa, didn’t think so too.
Delle
September 07, 11:53I have just two things to say: This is a series by a Bisexual man and one intending to get married the ‘traditional’ way. A series by one who happens to swing ‘both’ ways. An intending MBM. To an extent, there’s no hippee feeling roiling through my innards.
Where’s one from an intending MGM? Or don’t we have those here anymore? Was it a premier mistake on our part coming up with such acronym? Until a story from an MGM or a potential one comes in, I don’t think the hatchet would be totally buried. I still need a justification to why a gay man would settle with a woman and tell me it’s him living his life.
Secondly, my sentiments towards these bisexuals is the fact that they claim to enjoy both worlds and still give reverence to one…their Straight side. I still haven’t seen that one bisexual man in this country that has thought to settle down with a man. After the ‘enjoyment’ of both worlds, they go ahead to justify societal norms (or maybe themselves). Oh well…*shrugs*
Still looking forward to the series.
pete
September 07, 12:16Like we see exclusive gays queuing to be married.
“I still haven’t seen that one bisexual man in this country that has THOUGHT to settle down with a man.”
Are you clairvoyant?
Delle
September 07, 13:41“Like we see exclusive gays queuing to be married.”
Oh so they are non-existent now?
I’m don’t think I implied being clairvoyant. That was why I personalized it. You didn’t see me write, “There is no bisexual in Nigeria who has thought to settle with a man.”
Delle
September 07, 13:51*I
pete
September 07, 14:22Delle,you wrote an article ‘the woman in me’. The response was mostly empathetic not because many know what you’re going through per se but because they know what it means to be different.
Delle
September 07, 15:39Are you really going to play this card with me now, Pete? Don’t go about thinking I have a beef with bisexuals. In fact, I have none with MBMs, potential or not.
My qualm is with gay men intending to get married to women biko.
So the sentiment card here is not received at all. Thanks.
pete
September 07, 16:18Delle, I’m playing no sentimental card with you.
“Secondly, my sentiments towards these bisexuals is the fact that they claim to enjoy both worlds and still give reverence to one…their Straight side. I still haven’t seen that one bisexual man in this country that has thought to settle down with a man. After the ‘enjoyment’ of both worlds, they go ahead to justify societal norms (or maybe themselves). Oh well…*shrugs*”
Think you’ve more than beef against bisexuals.
Pink Panther
September 07, 12:40What are you even saying sef, Delle? Before you come for the bisexuals and their choice of lifetime commitments in Nigeria, tell me of any gay men, not those intending to wed women, i’m talking of the self proclaimed idealists, which one of us is lining up to wed or pledge happily ever afters with significant others. Any such gay men in Nigeria?
Stop making our problems seem like they’re caused by the decisions bisexuals make. That point of view has gotten old.
Delle
September 07, 13:47Firstly PP, I’m quite shocked to the marrows that you’d ask that. That there are no gay men in this country intending to spend the rest of their lives with men? Just because the numbers aren’t spilling over doesn’t mean they aren’t significant. I, for one, wants to settle with a man biko.
Secondly, I’m not gunning for any bisexual’s jugular here. I’m just wondering why they always settle with women. Dazzal.
Pink Panther
September 07, 16:16Delle, here’s the point I’m trying to make. You keep harping on and on about how you have a problem with Nigerian bisexuals settling for the straight side of their sexuality.
And I’m asking: is there anything about the LGBT in Nigeria that encourages them to seek a gay commitment?
Even amongst us gay people, we’re constantly bemoaning the dismal future of our relationships, constantly talking about how disloyal the lot of us are in our relationships.
Well guess what, the bisexual who’s longing for a commitment isn’t going to seek what’s unstable at best and impossible at worst, which is the gay relationship. He’s lucky enough to also have an attraction that enables him to fit into society’s heteronormativity.
Why would you begrudge him his very human instinct to use who he is to get what he wants? Who are you to hold that against him? Like really, if you were bisexual, you think you wouldn’t do the exact same thing?
We need to stop projecting our hurts and inadequacies on other people who ultimately have the same battles as us.
That’s all I’m saying. That thing you keep saying about having an issue with bisexuals in Nigeria settling for straight commitments is really quite ludicrous.
Delle
September 07, 19:49Okay, I totally get your point PP and just so Pete knows I’m not coming for bisexuals, I’d just let it be at this juncture.
Truth
September 07, 14:50I plan on spending the rest of my life with a man. Just because you can’t seem to find a man that wants to spend beyond a night with you doesn’t mean others don’t have such plans.
Stop generalising pink Panther ? ? ? ? . The same thing you often accuse people of, is exactly what you’re guilty of.
Pink Panther
September 07, 15:47Hello Max, it’s been awhile since I blocked you from my life. You know absolutely nothing about what’s going on with me. Try to dial down on the pettiness. You may live long enough to enjoy that life you’re planning with that Beau if you learn not to be so poisonous.
Truth
September 07, 17:34Yup, I was right about you all along.
Queen Blue Fox
September 07, 17:51Wow! Your vileness makes me wanna throw up! You’re so despicable! Good luck finding that man you wanna spend the rest of your life with cos you know what? That man ain’t gonna show up with the way you are right now.
Pink Panther
September 07, 18:31I don’t care what you think about me, darling. How is it you’re yet to figure that out? Lol. Smh.
Arabian Princess
September 07, 21:20hianh!!! all these argument for someone’s personal decision…
BTW, if as a potential MBM, you have chosen to marry a woman, why bother give yourself that label since you’re gonna be committed in your marriage till death do you part?
chuck
September 07, 21:56Some of their wives are in open marriages, and didn’t even get the notification email
Jide
September 07, 22:59Whoa. I really wish I was reading this from an already married man, but since it’s a series; let me quickly wish you a Happy married life in advance, and I pray you’ll keep updating this series, especially after you get married.
I don’t think I love the series title tbh, it seems more inclined towards sexual gratification than your impending wedding to a member of one of these “worlds.”
Good start altogether.
Dim
September 08, 06:57No one has any right to beef anybody; MBM or MGM , just live your life. After all, straight people don’t understand, why you should be gay in the first place.
pagxy
September 08, 11:13That’s why I like onyibo they will spend 20 years married to a woman tomorrow it will be a man whichever makes them happen. Don’t put yourself in a box jare whatever makes you happy even if you want to marry your dildo.
Brian Collins
September 08, 21:49Ehn ehn ehn…… Max and pinky had a fall out and pinky excommunicated him from the fabulous pink club, so he reinvented himself as Truth? How did I not know this all this time?
Pjay
September 13, 22:33So have you found out yet why Max and Pinky had a fall out? They were quite an item, I gathered.
Pjay
September 13, 23:38pinkpanthertb
May 28, 2015
Thankfully I’m your friend. ? Hopefully we’ll remain friends in 10 years time. Lol. *crossing legs and watching the hourglass go*
Reply
I even have proof of how much of an item they really were? The question is How can a friendship that held so much promise become so bitter? Who stole whose boyfriend?
Pjay
September 13, 23:40Brian Collins
May 28, 2015
Max no worry, i dey wait you. Shebi na 35 Chris talk? You own i do add five more years, then i go hear wetin you dey talk that time.
Reply
Max
May 28, 2015
If you really know who I am @Brian, you’d know my YES is YES and my No is No. My will isn’t easily broken. The answer I gave you today is what you shld expect in 10 years time.
Reply
pinkpanthertb
May 28, 2015
Thankfully I’m your friend. ? Hopefully we’ll remain friends in 10 years time. Lol. *crossing legs and watching the hourglass go*
Reply
Pink Panther
September 14, 02:33LMAO!!! Chai! All these KDian detectives we have in this house sef.
Lord Naughtiness
September 13, 04:17That’s why I like onyibo they will spend 20 years married to a woman tomorrow it will be a man whichever makes them happen. Don’t put yourself in a box jare whatever makes you happy even if you want to marry your dildo.
??????
U know people should be allowed to make their choices by themselves oooooo….happy married life oooo…so quick question at the bachelor party would there be male stripers and if they gon be present, abeg where is my invitation
chubbylover
August 25, 18:1960+ bullets shot only after the intro…..bia nwoke m, you better stir this soup well before you dish it out.