IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR BEDROOM

“…I don’t know why people are homophobic. I mean how does it affect them what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedroom…?”

Yes, this is the statement you’re most likely to hear from someone, queer or ally, who’s defending the validity of same-sex relationships. It is a good line of defense. It is a pertinent question. Why do people care so much what same-sex people do in the privacy of their bedroom.

However, this reasoning often makes me wonder if same-sex relationships only exist in the four corners of the bedroom. And if that is so, what are we doing that must only be done in a bedroom?

Oh I know, the thing people do with their naked bodies; the same thing that everyone does with their naked bodies.

And yet, for some reason, only same-sex-attracted people need their relationships confined to the privacy of their bedrooms.

I hear a lot of gay people complain about how being gay is not all about sex and then they go ahead to use the above statement to justify their sexual orientation.

Yes, I know all human beings (including queer people) are sexual beings, but we are equally physical, spiritual, mental and emotional beings. So why don’t we use these other qualities to define ourselves as well? Why must defending ourselves have to give people the impression that our lives as homosexuals are all about what happens in the privacy of “the other room”?

Don’t get me wrong, I love sex as much as the next person. But sexuality has to do with emotional attraction as well as sexual attraction. This is why a heterosexual man can decide to have sex with another man but may not identify as gay since emotionally, he’s not committed to his sexual partner. Hell, he may not even get the sexual pleasure from the act, but may simply be focused on it for whatever reason led him into the bedroom with that gay man, reasons that could be anything from financial assistance or job promotion. I believe it is for this reason that gay-for-pay porn actors exist.

A sexually active heterosexual person will not give people the impression that sex is the reason they’re involved with different people. And yet, here we are, queer people falling back on our sex to argue why we are valid as human beings. Forgetting that as people attracted to other persons of the same sex, there are different aspects of our lives that matter too.

Another reason why the above statement irks me is that it makes it seem as though all activities between queer couples must be done in the bedroom or in private, which is not a good look for a community still fighting for visibility.

I often hear heterosexual people talk about how they don’t have issues with gay couples as long as they do their thing in private and not in their righteous heterosexual presence. Okay, so if gay couples need to kiss, they should go to the privacy of their bedroom. How about if they want to hug? The bedroom it is! What if they just want to hold hands and stare into each others’ eyes like love-struck puppies? I SAID GO TO THE PRIVACY OF YOUR BEDROOM AND DO IT THERE!!!

You see, not everything about queer relationships need to be in private. I am sure all of us are tired of giving our partners formal handshakes or awkward hugs in public as way of saying goodbye or hello. We do want to show affection to them anywhere and at anytime.

All I am saying is: as queer people, we are not just sexual beings. We are a whole lot of other things and there is nothing wrong in recognizing these other aspects of us. And same-sex love/relationship doesn’t have to be hidden in the privacy of a room. Although coitus of any kind, be it hetero or homo, should be done in private for decency sake, other forms of showing affection to a lover shouldn’t be done in private. And as queer people, we should stop encouraging that mentality by reiterating these damaging statements.

Therefore, instead of using the opening statement which over-sexualizes yet conceals our community in defense of our relationships, why don’t we use this one: “…I don’t know why people are homophobic. I mean, how does it affect them how two consenting adults choose to show love to each other…?”

PS: Another line of defense we should absolutely retire, especially for those who argue with homophobic Christians is this: “…why are you judging gay people for sinning differently from you…?”

Please, retire this!

Kill it!

Bury it!

Same-sex love is not a sin we are committing differently from other sinners.

Written by SMOG