WHEN IT HAD ME THINKING…
The two resolutions I made concerning my life were very recently tested. I’d resolved that I wouldn’t get married. And I’d resolved that I wouldn’t bother with children. And I made my peace with my resolutions. That is, until I visited home recently.
I was in Abuja when I got the call. It was from my father. The moment I saw the call – this on the heels of my younger brother’s wedding – I knew what the old man must want to say. Something about his second son tying the knot must have made him realize that his first son was yet to commit.
So he called. I answered. The preliminaries were gotten out of the way rather quickly, with the small talk and enquiries about each other’s welfare.
And then, he said, “My son, before you return to Lagos, is there any chance you can stop by Owerri and see us?”
‘Stop by Owerri’ – as though the Eastern Heartland was someplace en route from Abuja to Lagos. My initial reaction was to decline. But my repudiation was tempered with the thought that I hadn’t seen my father in two years and the land of my birth in four.
So, I said, “Sure, of course. I’ll drop in with four days to spare before going back to Lagos.”
As I travelled home, I pondered on how I’d handle the talk with my father. I was positive that was why he’d summoned asked me home. And I wondered what kind of response I’d give. I mean, my brother had just wedded; what with the euphoria of one son giving him something he wanted, if I cajoled him with the excuse that I wasn’t ready yet, but that I’d soon be, he would buy that excuse without much fuss, right?
Well, I wouldn’t know, because that very evening, when he snuck the talk up on me, right in the middle of our banter about an aged but well-off uncle who had taken yet another nubile young woman for a wife, I found myself giving a very blunt response to his query.
“So, nna, you haven’t even introduced us to your girlfriend, eh?” he said with a chuckle. “I don’t know how you children of nowadays do things, living together before getting married – just like your brother. But one weekend like this, or a week, you bring her for us to see now. Eh, my son…”
I’d just opened my mouth to say something particularly withering about that aged, cradle-robbing uncle, when Daddy Dearest segued into the main item on the agenda. So I closed my mouth, permitted myself a chuckle, and then replied, “Daddy, I don’t even have a girlfriend.”
“What happened? Did you break up with the last one?”
Shey you can see this man… We hadn’t even ever discussed about a last girlfriend. All these suppositions he was sharing, diaris God o! But I let him have this one, so I said, “Yes, I did. And now, I don’t have marriage on my mind.”
“That’s alright. These things take time –”
“No, daddy, it’s not that. I’m saying that I don’t ever want to get married.”
He blinked at me in incomprehension, as though I’d just told him that Buhari and Jonathan have decided to rule Nigeria together as co-presidents. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that I don’t believe marriage is for me –”
“So what are you going to do with your life?” he interrupted grimly.
I hid a smile, as I thought about how thoroughly I’d have eviscerated any acquaintance of mine who dared to insinuate that marriage was the ultimate achievement of any person’s life. What are you going to do with your life? Dad, seriously!
I answered him anyway, “I’ll just live my life being the cool uncle to my brothers’ kids.” This I said with a jaunty grin.
But the old man was not amused. And for the next few minutes, he set out to let me know just how displeased he was. But my responses remained polite and firm, with a tone that brooked no argument. Finally, he dismissed me. Whether he’d given up and capitulated to my wishes, or was giving up the fight today for another round some other day, I didn’t know. But I was pleased I’d gotten the word out there. This here young man was not husband material.
But Fate decided to tease my doubts a little bit.
Because I was home, I was obligated to go around and see some of the people in the neighbourhood – elders and peers alike. A number of people had moved away in the time since I was last around – a couple of deaths, a few relocations. One elderly neighbour I went to see, his wife passed away a year ago, and the child that was closest to him stays in Umuahia. His living room was well-appointed, and our conversation was light and warm. And then, I mentioned his wife’s passing and expressed my condolence that was a year too late. He accepted my words warmly, but even then, I could see his countenance undergo a change. His face clouded and his words slowed. The grief still lurked. And before I knew it, he launched into a narration of the past forty-something years of marital bliss he’d shared with his wife. There were stories and anecdotes and poignant reminiscences. The trip down memory lane seemed both painful and cathartic. The elderly man painted a stark picture of someone who was holding on to memories of sharing a life with someone else, and desperately wished he could have the chance to start another chapter.
This made me think about how most Nigerian gay men I know who’ve wedded did so out of the innate fear that not doing so would mean a life of loneliness. In a country where you’re not permitted to take a husband or male partner, who else is left to share the journey into geezerhood with than a wife – that person who society approves of, who you wouldn’t have to hide, who – for better or worse, till death or divorce do you part – would remain by your side. Forget societal pressure. In all the time I have fraternized with Nigerian married gay men, I’ve come to realize that the major reason some of them hurried down the aisle was the fear of ending up alone.
And for the first time in my life, that fear began to nibble at my purpose.
Fate however was not done with me.
The next day, I travelled to my village to see a few relatives who my father had urged me to visit. It was just an aunt, really. A woman very advanced in years, whose skin felt papery to my touch, and whose dank, old-people smells filled my nose as I hugged her when I visited her in her daughter’s house where she was staying. Her daughter is my cousin, years older than me, married; her life revolved around keeping her husband happy, bringing up her children and taking care of her aged mother.
My aunt looked content; her satisfaction beamed at me from her rheumy eyes. She had done her part in life, which was to bring up her children. And now, they were returning the favour; they had filled her old age with meaning by giving her grandchildren to bounce around on her laps. They took turns to house her and take care of her. As far as she was concerned, death could come at any time; she was ready.
As the two of us chatted, her daughter bustled in and out of the parlour, fussing over her mother’s medication and when she was going to have breakfast and if she needed an extra sweater or just a shawl and this and that and this. And each time, my aunt would smile and respond indulgently. She painted a clear picture of one who didn’t have any worries in the world, because she had placed sentinels around her (her children) to take care of all her needs.
And right then, I began to doubt the wisdom of my resolve not to have children. I had a mental flash-forward to my life as an aged man, without companionship and without children. And the thought of such a life filled me with cold fingers of dread. A particular image of an old me bumbling about in my kitchen, trying to get dinner started, while enduring the impatient whines of Simba, my Labrador, burned itself on my mind.
As I left my aunt’s house, I felt deeply shaken by my contemplations. Questions roiled about in my mind. Slivers of doubt snaked up and down my spine. My face was a mask of furrows as I sat in the cab, chin buried in my hand, thinking. What if I don’t get married? What if I don’t have kids? What kind of life would there be without them?
I thought and pondered and questioned silently.
By the time I got to my junction however, a new line of inquiry began occupying my mind. What if I DO get married? What kind of life would there be with THAT? With that, I began to remember all the reasons why I resolved not to make this lifetime choice.
I am simply too gay to make a good husband to any woman. I am simply too gay to even try.
My decision has nothing to do with any moralistic high ground about cheating, or rebellious need to defy society. No. I simply cannot be a good husband . . . to a woman. I knew this after the first and only heterosexual relationship I had in my second year of university, when the girlfriend broke up with me because (she said) ‘I was too busy for her.’ What was I too busy doing? Having a relationship with a guy at the same time. And to him I was devoted. So right then, in my second year at university, as I watched the stiff back of my ex-girlfriend walk away from me after the crushing heartbreak she imagined she’d given me, I made the decision not to bother with getting married. That was a mess I simply could do without.
I remembered this and Resolution Number One strengthened.
And children . . . Well, I soon realized that if having them is because of a terror of a future where I’d have no one to take care of me, then I’d be wanting to have them for all the wrong reasons. So until I happen on the right reasons to want children, Resolution Number Two still stands.
With these reflections thus far reached in my mind, I stepped out of the cab before my house, took in a lungful of the moist fragrant air, one that was pleasing because I felt like I’d overcome something, and then I walked inside the compound with sure steps, pleased that I was still my own person.
Written by Pink Panther
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120 Comments
Tancredi
July 20, 05:22Your dad’s line of questioning suggests he subliminally knows that you are not the marrying type. He threw you several lifelines just so you can give him some peace of mind and hope that someday there would be a Mrs. Panther. You might have kids in the end but for the right reasons.
fred
July 20, 06:10I kinda knew this was Pinky before I got to the end..
Staying unmarried is doable, but not wanting children? I can’t deal.. But to each his own..
Max
July 20, 06:23Beautiful piece… You know I’ve done the math too. Did some calculations and weighed the risks and benefits. And “not getting married” still came out on top. Its the best decision for a peaceful and happy life I so desire. The only reason I’ll dream of getting married is if I’m not gonna spend my life in Nigeria.
And you’re right about one thing, most gay people get married because they’re scared of ending up alone. And in my book, that’s gross weaknes . We’re so weak we’ll do anything to be with anyone, even if we don’t really like them.
Its one of the things I look out for in people before chosing a date. I hate weak people!!!.
I throw in a couple of questions and see how you respond, if I sense any form of weakness, I’ll throw you into the friend or brother zone.
I question my decision monthly.. I review it and re-analyze it. It strengthens my resolve. My repulsion for marriage grows daily, sometimes I feel like something snapped inside me at some point.
JustJames
July 20, 06:48Yes.. Weakness, especially a weak resolve, can be annoying and I’d like to believe that’s what you’re referring to in this comment.
On the other hand I wouldn’t like to believe you’d hate people for being weak. A gross exaggeration on your part, maybe? I mean you should know what it feels like to have episodes of weakness, shouldn’t you?
Francis
July 20, 06:51Not to worry, he doesn’t hate them. I had that fear too until he said he dumps them in the friend/brother zone. Lol
Max
July 20, 06:59I don’t hate them for being weak, it’s actually their weakness I hate, not them.. I have a lot of weak ppl as friends.. I just can’t date them.
There are moments of weakness alright, but those are moments. They come and go as quickly as possible.
Being generally weak all the time is the problem. Some say they can’t help it.. And I’m trying so hard to believe them.
This same weakness is the reason we (gay ppl) are still where we are after 2000 years. Someone somewhere in the past had a chance to do something about this, but they were too weak to do something to make the future a better place. And now we r in the future, suffering for the same reasons they did.
McGray
July 20, 08:40I believe u too can alter d situations of Gay in Nigeria, Yes or Yes? So do sumfin. Or are u weak as well?
Max
July 20, 08:59I don’t argue with weak people. They know their zone…
McGray
July 20, 09:24Max buhahahahahahahahahaha. So akpoba ndi strong iputa? Ok ooo. SuperMax ngwa change d face of gay in Nigeria den i wil giv u a medal. U tink old age is nw dat dey call u booty queen *did sum1 said dat or am i lying?* ur head go dey swell. Think it carefully oo. By d way Max, i kinda feel dat u r lying concerning hating ur ‘weak’ ppl. Ok, lemme keep mute
Posh6666
July 20, 10:52Sure looks like u have it all figured out.*side eyes*
Pink Panther
July 20, 11:21You say that like it’s a bad thing, Posh… 🙂
McGray
July 20, 11:25Pinky okwa ya abi? Dnt worry, i will til with u
Diablo
July 20, 11:27Weakness? For someone your age, id expect you’d atleast have some sense, even if its just the tiniest iota
Max
July 20, 13:12Shurup lady homemaker.. Go back to the kitchen.
Diablo
July 20, 13:25Lol
Francis
July 20, 06:38Sometimes I do get scared of ending up alone. Especially after an incident where I collapsed at home and came around on my own after a few minutes. Person for don quench and nobody go see him body till WEEKS had passed.
Fortunately that fear isn’t intense enough for me to go down the marriage route as like you I’m too gay to function. Lol. Recently I teased lil sis to go get married and she said look who’s talking. I told her I had no remote interest in kids as they could be quite a load of trouble and she suggested adopting a big baby which I have to admit sounded kinda nice.
If I did adopt, my criteria would reek of serious Vanity. Designer pikin things. Lol
Folks tend to have kids in hopes of having someone to look after them but I’ve seen quite a number of old folks been treated like mierda by their children that it makes me wonder, was it worth it after all? So much time and money spent and no harvest.
Anyway make I continue dey pray amd hustle for millions. Man must begin plan him retirement home funds.
Max
July 20, 06:50So much time and money invested…
To live up to people’s expectations
While leaving none for yourself
And then you grow old and wither
with the decay of time
And then you ask yourself if it was worth it
Losing your happiness
Living with a woman you’d rather not touch
Living with someone you’d rather share beauty tips with
Missing out on the warm companionship of a man
Not getting emotionally connected with that person you truly love
Now for those of you who haven’t been in love before, you won’t understand what I wrote above.
Pink Panther
July 20, 06:54My dear, PREACH!!!! The cynical ones won’t get it. The ‘this gay stuff is not for ever’ guys won’t get it at all.
Max
July 20, 07:02Touché
Masked Man
July 20, 07:27Late twenties and thirties are really not ages to test these resolves.
Forties…..fifties perhaps. Those are the times to know how true we are to this resolve of not getting married, and childless, perhaps.
Yes, I don’t want to get married, to a lady at least. That would be too much drama on one house. Maybe to a Latino hunkie on those exotic carribean beaches. Lol.
But staying childless? Mba! Not exactly.
Whether it’s by adoption or surrogacy, I want a child or two.
Tiercel de Claron
July 20, 15:47Plan on having 3,at least.And non adopted.Marriage is not an option for me tho.
Howdy,MM?
Jeova Sanctus Unus
July 20, 19:50At what age do I test my resolve to get married (to a lady)?? You see, I’m just 24 now…
kaytee
July 20, 07:48for starters, even married people get lonely, divorced, widowed, etc. secondly, not all married people get to have children…. i personally think it is a very selfish thing to marry a woman and have children JUST BCOS U DON’T WANNA BE LONELY. …. i think u r on the right path but need to expand your thoughts on your resolutions.
Masked Man
July 20, 07:56There’s Kacee, and now Kaytee.
Okay oh.
You made really nice points.
Pink Panther
July 20, 08:00Kaytee and Kacee are two different KDians, I believe.
kaytee
July 20, 09:17yea… we r twins lol
Masked Man
July 20, 09:52Twins?
Like you receive the same dick? I dunno.
kacee
July 20, 09:11Warisit MM, lol
Masked Man
July 20, 09:54Umm, it’s nothing.
Just my distorted thinking this morning.
Posh6666
July 20, 11:03Lmaooooooo
pete
July 20, 07:49according to KDians, gays marry for just 2 reasons ; to conform to societal expectations & fear of being alone. though we may have one trait(for lack of a better word) which is same-sex attraction, we are different. stop pushing your outlook on life to another,same thing we accuse homophobes of doing. I can’t speak for others but my reason(do I really need to say this) for getting married goes beyond the above reasons.
if I marry, will I still be attracted to men?yes. will I sleep with them?not on current evidence .will I still support the LGBT cause?definitely.
I speak & have spoken to many MGMs,they all have different stories & backgrounds. so,lumping them together is wrong
Pink Panther
July 20, 07:59Uh, pete, I hope you know I’m not in the ranks of those baying for the MGM blood, right? *looking nervously at your comment and the indignation behind it*
pete
July 20, 08:10Pinky, I know you are not.
Max
July 20, 08:36@Pete, all I see from you is excuses.
You can delude yourself into thinking you’re doing it for a different reason, but deep down you know why you’re doing it.
pete
July 20, 09:12and you could deduce all these about me from my online personality? can I tempt you to use the same gift to tell me the winning combination of this week’s lottery?
Pink Panther
July 20, 09:33Hahahahahahahaa!! Oh pete
Sinnex
July 20, 12:10Why don’t you just keep quiet for a moment. You can create a fake personae online but I know you for who you are….a pretender.
Sinnex
July 20, 12:30Live and let live.
Marriage is not for everyone.
If you have decide not to get married, good for you. I only have issues with when you call those who want to get married ‘Weak’ and ‘bowing to societal pressure’.
I just don’t see a future without a wife and kids.
McGray
July 20, 12:57Oh lawd! Sinnex don tear Pete apart! Pete no gree
pete
July 20, 13:22McGray,he seems to agree with me. maybe, you mean Max
ambivalentone
July 20, 08:13I know I am African enough to realise I want to be able to shout at my kids who are miles sway to pass me the remote just within reach…lol
While I am sanguine enough to detest loneliness, I am pragmatic enough to realise the emotional company I desire may not be available. Adoption it is.
Peak
July 20, 08:26Interesting read
McGray
July 20, 08:35Pinky i will be very sincere and real with u. Make sure u fink this tru. Now u r young, cute, sexy and strong. A time shall come wen all ur strength will fail u, ur beauties gone dat no one will even luk u in a romantic manner bcos u r no longer sexy, wen u cant even lift a bucket of water to bath, wen ur gay/str8 folks must hv either bn dead or to old like u to move abt, and then u will know wat loneliness is all abt. Think abt it. All dis logics cnt even comfort u during dat time and u wil be so mad at urslf for choosing dat path. We are in Nigeria weda u like it or not and i wont lie to u just to make u happy. All dis excuses abt nt having a gud reason to marry is ntn. Some str8 ppl marry for dem to hv sum1 to take care of dem in der old age, odas marry for sum1 to bear lineage, so tel me, which is d best reason? D reason dat made u to marry actually is d best reason. My Dear think abt it carefully, old age is nt easy talk more of adding loneliness to it.
Peak
July 20, 08:50@McGrey, ur logic is flawed! So one should get marriedor have kids cos they need ppl to lift bucket for them when they are old?get a maid or a live-in nurse.
Marriage is a very tricky subject, so is having kids. Let’s be mindful how we throw words around. All I have seen so far, is ppl throwing words around about something they have little knowledge and experience about.
Max
July 20, 08:53Now there’s one of the weak men I talked to you guys about.
Its not about living long, its about living well.
People are so concerned about living long that they fail to live well.
Lemme break it to you- life after the age of 60 is just a tumbled mess. I’d rather be single and die at 60 than to be married to a woman and die at 100.
And about “taking care of you”, youre looking for cheap labor abi? I always try to avoid cheapos like you.
If you work well in your youth, you can employ people that’ll take care of you in your old age. Stop being a lazy cheap ass and prescribing a life of submission and cowardice to the general populace. Its people like you that helped make the world the mess it is today.
Mtchewwwww…
McGray
July 20, 09:07Peak till 2mrw dats me, d bucket issue i spoke ws simply an illustration, but anything u decide to make out of it, na for ur pocket. And who knows abt marriage deeply? Nobody! As for u Max u can eat urslf out u knw u r pouring water on a stone. Lol. Ehem, Pinky like i said, dis is Nigeria, and i v lived with old ppl for a gud time. M telling u based on wat i hv experienced with dem. Fgt all dis logics, old age dikwa but oo
Pink Panther
July 20, 09:15You’re not getting me, McGray. What happens to the life you will be living with this woman you wedded out of a fear of lonely old age – what happens to your life between the time you married her and old age? Do you have any idea how debilitating a lack of peace of mind can do to you? I don’t think you do. I do. And it’s not a good place to be, especially when old age is the end of the line.
Jeova Sanctus Unus
July 20, 20:03What happens if she dies??
What happens if she gets fed up and divorces his ass??
What happens when the kids move out??
Answer: They’ll employ people to take care of them.
Maybe if we all lead healthy lives, maybe we’d be able to do basic stuff for ourselves when we get old??
But then, why’d I wish to be a burden on someone?? Maybe the same way we have less time for our parents, our kids may have lesser time for us.
I’m seeing beginning to see a retirement homes/services as good business. With the expanding middle-class and all. Parfait!!
Posh6666
July 20, 11:05Lmaoooooo u are really angry this morning
Pink Panther
July 20, 08:55McGray, and when you out of fear for loneliness go and marry a woman who u cannot make love to or connect with emotionally or otherwise, what then? You think my reasons for not wanting to marry are nothing, that they are mere excuses? You would think that if you see yourself as capable of being with a woman. Don’t use the same compass for every gay man please.
Khaleesi
July 20, 08:57McGray, i had this same discussion with a friend who has lived most of his life in abroad. He told me “you’re having these fears because you live in Nigeria”. His point is that in the western world (note that Nigeria is increasingly westernising whether we like it or not), having children simply because you want someone to take care of you in old age is laughable because in those societies, children grow up and move away, often to other cities or other countries even. The healthcare system is robust and if/when you get too old to live alone, you’re moved into well equipped homes for the elderly where world class healthcare is at your disposal. The issue of children being a form of health insurance is largely a Nigerian thing. Another reason i say, if you want to live as a gay man, then Nigeria is certainly not the place for you. Pack your bags and leave! #NoteToSelf
McGray
July 20, 09:14Khaleesi dat is exactly d point m tryna make Pinky understand. Dis is Nigeria. But wat i hv come to nderstand is dat most of KDns will nt tell u d truth abt anyfin, rather dey wil force demselves to bliv they hv built a heaven in d moon and wil b moving there asap. They wil tel u wat u want to hear and act sumfin else in real life. Pinky i wont stop to remind u dat young age fades, and u wanna knw y? Bcos i like u. Me i dnt knw hw to paint a black color red, bt i wil keep telling u dat for a memorable old age, loneliness is nt part of it
Pink Panther
July 20, 09:33Oga McGray, you are missing my point so much, i couldn’t even fetch you if I tried. lol
McGray
July 20, 09:31Pinky m more concerned abt having kids. There are many healthy and non selfish ways of having kids without marrying a lady.
Pink Panther
July 20, 09:36I didn’t say having kids are out of the question, mind you. I drew my line firmly on the idea of marriage. For kids, I have kept my options open.
Max
July 20, 10:24Sometimes I wonder which is worse, homophobes or gay psychos?
McGray
July 20, 10:49Lol. Buahhahahahahahhaa. Max i love u for dis. D worst is no other but Internalised Homophia
Khaleesi
July 20, 08:41This is a beautifuland topical piece. Hmm Pinky, from the look of things you didnt attend your younger brother’s wedding. I know of two incidents. In one an ilder brother was forced against his wishes to walk down the aisle because he was seen as ‘delaying’ his younger brother who was anxious and willing to get married and in their culture,marriage is a thing to be done according to age. In another scenario, a younger brother got married before his older,it was deemed to be embarrassing and disgraceful. Oh well … this our culture sha …
“What are you going to do with your life” your dad’s question sums up the world view of the average Nigerian. In their view, getting married to a woman – settling down as they like to call it,is the crowning achievement of your life. If you havent done this,no matter what else you achieve – a miracle cure for HIV/AIDS,Cancer, etc, you’re still incomplete,incompetent and a nobody. You’re still less than …
Call it being weak or whatever,but the fear of being alone is a legitimate one. Are you really sure that you wont wake up one day @ age 52,not exactly handsome and desirable anymore, the wrinkles and sags are by now impossible to hide, the hordes of easily available nubile young men have long agop departed, many have aged as well and the present generation of young men is simply not too interested in you – except the ones whom you can lure with money (ugh) – the ones who but for the money would probably not look at you twice.
Are you sure that at age 45, when you run into your contemporaries at the mall with their kids and you all aloje or with a boy half your age, are you really sure that you wont feel a stab of loneliness and regret?
In a society where you cant even contemplate the idea of having a male partner, what then is your option?
Do you really want a woman in your life? Are you going to be able 5o connect physically, sexually,mentally, emotionally to her? Are you going to be able to be the kind of husband that she deserves or is she simply going to be a cover for your sexuality?
Is having a ‘normal’ life like ‘everyone’ else (note the quotation marks please) going to make you truly deeply happy? Or are you going to he content simply because you have finally obtained society’s acceptability?
Am not tryingto dampen spirits or anything, but i think these are questions that every gay man must think deep,long and hard upon. Meanwhile, i shall continue to battle with these questions – i don’t yet have my answers .
Pink Panther
July 20, 08:53Howkwanu you go and set all these WEAC questions with no answers for us to do expo with, eh Khaleesi?
Peak
July 20, 09:02Thank You Khaleesi! Its a personal journey! To each his own. If PP doesn’t want to get married and have kids, leave him be! His choice! If Pete wants to get married, leave him be. His choice. We act like there is a one size fits all situation for every gay related life challenges.
So much for Live and Let’s Live.
Tiercel de Claron
July 20, 16:04Well……you impress me with this piece today,I’ll say.
These questions we have to find answers to,individually.Some,I found answers to,others I’m working on,but I know what works for me may not work for another.
Mitch
July 20, 08:47Marriage to a woman is still a no-no for me. Hell, I don’t have any feelings for them save friendly feelings. Marriage for me is gonna be with a man or I’ll stay single and happy. As for kids, trust me, I’ll have kids whether I’m single or married. Thase little geezers can be headaches but still produce so much love, laughter and hope in the heart. That’s one thing I wouldn’t miss out on. And Pinky, I wish you all the best.
Rev; Hot
July 20, 08:48oh wow! I seriously like this piece….. maybe its cos I agreed with literally EVERYTHING!
nice one PP
JustJames
July 20, 09:14This life of gloom all of you are painting..
At this moment I think I’m glad my family knows I’m gay.
Already I have the backing of a cousin and my brothers are coming around.
And who fucking says you have to be alone when you are gay in Nigeria. That’s so defeatist. Maybe it’s cause I’m young and the world is still my oyster but I’m going to make sure with every part of me that I won’t live a life where I’ll gauge my worth by the young men around me but by my long time lover’s eyes.. Someone who is ready to tough it out with me (why do I feel like I’ve said this before)
Maybe the mistake some of us made or are making is not even attempting to try to hope that there’s a life for us that doesn’t involve loneliness.
Chill.. Do you want to know what’s worse? Being lonely and having someone with you. You will wake up one day and wonder why you married the stranger next to you that you have no emotional connection with. You’d probably have regrets…
Wait seff.. Is it only marriage that is the guaranteed cure for loneliness. Isn’t the cure for loneliness building lasting relationships not only with that special someone but other human beings? Nuns and priests aren’t married but are they lonely? Do they not feel fulfilled for the most part????
I think we are getting this shii wrong. It’s whether or not you let yourself get lonely simply cause you don’t have access to a spouse. Hello!!! You could be a blessing to people around you!! They could become the family you never had…
I hope I have the strength to not get married for the wrong reasons.. One of which is selfishness. And when I want a kid I’d want the child not because I want to continue my lineage or someone to fetch water for me (as if the child won’t grow up and leave the house seff) but because I want to be able to have someone I can love more than myself…
Francis
July 20, 09:56Pinky please do something about our like buttons!
James Thanks for being so on f**king point!
Khaleesi
July 20, 10:18OMG!! James, your wisdom is far far beyond your years, am humbled by your wisdom!!! you’re every sapiosexual’s wet dream!
Max
July 20, 10:31This is the reason I asked for that like button.. @Pinky please do something about it.
It’s clear to all of us here that James is smarter than Pit and Macgrayhame who are twice his age.
People are so scared of loneliness.. Tufia kwa.. Its pathetic. Why do you think you’re gonna be lonely?
Million likes for this.
McGray
July 20, 10:59Max idikwa sure James is nt older than McGrayhame by some years? #JustAskingForMcGrayPeaceOfMind
McGray
July 20, 11:03Pinky pls send me Max contact, he is packing his bags to my place cos i hv seen my soulmate. *smiles sheepishly* Max will u marry me?
Diablo
July 20, 11:31Nice. this is how you pass your point across, without coming across as senseless.
Max
July 20, 13:16You could learn a thing or two from him @Devilsadvocate
Diablo
July 20, 13:26Pot, Kettle, black
Jeova Sanctus Unus
July 20, 20:23Here goes my baaaiibaaaay
kacee
July 20, 09:27So true james, i’m a bisexual and i’m also attracted to trans (male to female),if and if i get married to a man he must be someone who supports the lgbt community. For the Kdians who wants to remain single i could donate my eggs to you guys, lol. I’m serious what are family for.
Max
July 20, 10:32I’mma need some of them eggs too. Hope you’re cute though… Wouldn’t wanna make jabba accidentally.
kacee
July 20, 10:44Yes i’m cute
Max
July 20, 13:18☺☺
Pink Panther
July 20, 11:17Hahahahaa!!! Max! Kai!
kacee
July 20, 09:28Nice read PP, Love u…
Pink Panther
July 20, 09:37Me loves you too, kacee. Now kindly make sure you’re freezing a couple of your eggs for me. 😀
Masked Man
July 20, 10:50PP and Kacee loving each other?
Lawd!
Why is this sounding like Caitlyn Jenner and Wendy Williams together.
kacee
July 20, 11:05Lmao if i catch u eh, fyi i have a pink belt in Taekwondo….you could join, it will be a nice threesome.
Masked Man
July 20, 11:29Pink taekwando belt? Where did that one come from? I’m gonna have to report you to korea
Masked Man
July 20, 11:32BTW, I don’t do threesomes and orgies.
Thanks.
Go and look for Eros and Mercury.
Eros
July 20, 12:05Bia Masquerade abi Lagbaja, ogini kwanu?? Are the witches in ya village sleeping with your weed dealer?? So it is now bad to have threesomes okwaya?? If I didnt know better I’d say you were suffering from the dreaded “Internal Homophobia”. Abeg leave me let me enjoy my threesomes before I call KD Avengers on your masked bottom. 😀 @MM
Masked Man
July 20, 12:26Exactly the bitch I wanted to see in you. Thanks.
You fly the flag eternally. @Eros
Eros
July 20, 12:33Bite me Masquerade. Grrrr! @MM
Pink Panther
July 20, 11:19LOL. Shettup, MM. 😛
Masked Man
July 20, 11:28I’m not shettingup anything oh.
The thing is doing me somehow in my body.
I dunno how this una love can survive.
kacee
July 20, 10:59No problem
McGray
July 20, 11:33Wait wait wait! Buko cherenu. Who is snatching Pinky away from me? Bia Kayce mwetekweghu…. *boils water + acid + -2-MaxEthan-2-ol together*
McGray
July 20, 12:53*Hugs Sinnex*
Oluwadamilare Okoro
July 20, 09:45Later someone will say I have things figured out … Biko take a look at max and pinky.
Thank God my dad no get the mind to ask me all these kain questions sha … And thank God I am ready for when my mum will ask… And I will remind her of all the subtle hints I have been dropping on “no-marriage”
Max
July 20, 10:36They ask me about it weekly. And I do what I always do, tell them point blank that I’m not interested in marriage. A family meeting have been held in the past concerning it, and I told them the same. I don’t pick their calls sometimes so they’ll get the message. They gradually are.
People are so terrified to ruffle feathers.
And later someone here will talk to me about respecting my parents. Where their respect stops, mine begins . Every parent should respect their kids enough to make their own decisions.
Peak
July 20, 09:49Let’s do some story telling,
A girl is going or beyond her prime, tricks and traps a guy with pregnancy or simple pins it on the most responsible one out of all the lot she has been with. He begrudgingly married her and a love less marriage happens with one week on trouble. No one raises and eyebrow, they will tell u “Marriage is Marriage.
A girl leaves the love of her life to cleave to a guy who can provide and secure her future and that of their kids. His touch repulse her but she rather have a secured life, than eat love money noon and night.
He married to strenghten family bonds while he still see his true love on the side while his wife is just an incubator.
They got married out of love only to be in the front of a judge 8months later, demanding for an annulment, cos they realised they can stand living in close proximity.
She wants an annulment cos he demands too much. Sex, snores, a workaholic etc
Marriage is not a do or die affair. It is an uncertain venture, being inlove, strong sexual attraction and good sex won’t gurantee its survival. It takes two ppl to make it work. Love is one of the many ingredents that is required to make it work.
No one gives straight ppl a rack and ruin when they go into marriage for with above scenerios, or over societal pressure or for hundreds of other reasons! But once a gay guy dares to do that for 2 of the widely known reason (societal acceptance and have children), they are labeled sell outs, weak! Some ppl actually do marry out of love, compatibility, understanding and trust. So trying to hijack ppls story and use a general rule to judge their decision or choices speaks volume of who you are as a person.
PP’s decision not to get married on the grounds that he thinks he would make a terrible husband is all the valid reason I need. He knows he is not willing to make the effort to the alter or the superfluous effort required after he lived the alter. So I ve no choice but to respect his stance. On the other hand there are men who are willing to go the extra mile, put in work and play the part, should we deny this ppl the chance of attempting to climb a mountain the feel they can climb. All this crab menality will get ur no were. Do you and let others Do them, I won’t blink so long as ur reasons are sound enough.
A KDian and I were having a chat when the issue of marriage regarding my future came up. And my answer is that I would most likely get married unless a key figure in my life is taken out.
If I ever get married, I don’t see it stretching pass 5 years (for now). I don’t see myself growing old with a boyfriend, even though he mention falling inlove with a guy. I answer and said I see us doing weekends, holidays, taking trips, a couple of weeks at each others place and that’s it. Not cos I am Homophobic onthe low, but cos I don’t believe in happy ever after and most importantly enjoy my personal space far too much to give it up.
OAN; PP please remember the comment section, its still small and site is still slow and I can’t open some post or the main page. I’m still visiting using web links
Pink Panther
July 20, 10:16Duly noted. Thanks, Peak.
McGray
July 20, 10:33Pinky i stopped at ur place was it three days ago? And left a note since u were nt arnd, did u see it?
Pink Panther
July 20, 11:18Yes. Did u not get my reply? I saw your note o. lol
Max
July 20, 11:40You know this joker?
*face palm*
Max
July 20, 11:37@Peak, you need to be counseled. I agree with parts of this and disagree with some (you know which ones).
Serious counselling is needed. Serious one.
Deola & Pinky, take note.
It might require vampire diaries style torture with vervain behind bars..
You need to be purged of it.
McGray
July 20, 12:06Hehehehehe. Looks like sum1 is shocked. Ok lemme keep mute. Max do u mind couselling me in my bedroom?
Pink Panther
July 20, 18:16McGray, abi he should counsel you in the bedroom eh? Issokay. I’m packing to run away into the sunset with Kacee
olima
July 20, 10:13Hmmmmm. The fight is real n ever present. Can I ask for a favor Pinky? I wanna borrow u so wen next I travel home imma hv d right answers for me family.
Pink Panther
July 20, 10:20Hahahahahahaa!!! olima, it’s not osho free o.
Sheldon Cooper
July 20, 10:22*First of all, to say I love this new site would be an understatement. Difference shades of awesomeness. I love change. I’m easily bored. *
I understand your fears and pressure. Until nine days ago, the day my dad passed on, i’ve never felt that pressure.
“After the funeral, the next gathering will be your wedding” that all I hear these days. Everyone wants to have a talk with me and I know what the talk would be about. I’ve never wished I have another brother until recently. I pray I don’t give in ’cause I can’t deal not having a mini me. I can give anything to have a mini me. Adoption can’t quench that teaste. But marriage is out of it. I’m too selfish to get married. Whether ‘straight’ or gay marriage.
I’m just in a very dark place at the moment.
I just know that it’s easier said than done most times.
But whatever decision I end up taking won’t be out of weakness. It would be for my own sanity (happiness) .
Peak
July 20, 10:39Sorry for ur loss bro
Masked Man
July 20, 10:54It is well bro…
Khaleesi
July 20, 12:03I just find it strange that rather than allow you time and space to deal with your loss, they are already ringing wedding bells. Smh …. Nigerians
Well, Sheldon, the struggle is on, figure out how best to deal with it … so help you God…
kacee
July 20, 10:47When u’re ready let me know.
Jamie
July 20, 11:27Always a tight corner there…
Diablo
July 20, 11:49Everyone has the right to be worried abt loneliness, it doesn’t make u weak or pathetic. In as much as i don’t want to get married, i do love kids alot and would like to have mine and there’s the thought of spending my old age all alone and by myself. These are legit feelings. Marrying a woman might not be the cure to loneliness but i believe children are. Presently, where i stay, my neighbor has 3 children. Ive more or less taken these children as mine, after a rough day at work, they are the first to rush to the gate to greet me, sometimes they barge into my flat and keep me company when i am down. They make me so happy, more than sucking a dick does or hanging out with the bf. Im convinced i must have my own kids, even if it means marrying a woman, then so be it. – Children are worth it. We can’t expect a life void of loneliness if we aren’t selfless. Selfless people are never lonely. When we do things for our own interest alone, then we must not be surprised when loneliness comes creeping in
McGray
July 20, 12:14Diablo Diablo Diablo u hv killed me. M dead . So u also experience d ‘Uncle wlcm’ tins? And buying biscuit for dem? Oh Max is missing sumfin. Dia ris ntn like children, and they can equally force u out of ur devlish evil thoughts wen it comes knocking. Diablo Diablo!!!!!!!!!!!
Max
July 20, 13:21You’d be surprised to learn of my experience with kids. ☺☺
McGray
July 20, 14:21Max taaaaa gbafuo!! Wat do u knw abt kids?? U shldnt dare interrupt wen ppl wey love kids dey yarn
Tobby
July 20, 13:27I was in a home for old people about two months ago, and I observed the room where I was. There were exactly 3 old people there- two men and a woman, each kept to himself. They all appeared bored and lonely. The man at the corner nodded repeatedly at nothing and mumbled to himself. The other man stared at the tv, there was a boring news running, which I was certain he wasn’t watching. And the lady was restless. She walked in and out of the room like she was desperately looking for something to do. It was a nice home really, where they just waited to die.
For me, it was a poignant scene that unsettled my nerves. And, I pictured myself being one of them, old and wrinkly, with no wife or kids, waiting patiently to die in a place I probably hated. The thought depressed me. Thinking of the future depresses me sometimes. The uncertainty bothers me, but then, one day at a time, right?.
Pink Panther
July 20, 18:24Your comment just mirrors my thoughts most of the time.
Diablo
July 20, 13:29Is this the mobile version of the site or are we back to the wordpress platform? Or…? Either ways love the simplicity, hope it stays this way.
Kester
July 20, 17:43PP love you for this post, very thought provoking. I love the comments too, means people are thinking. It’s good that KD is not about shallow living we ought to think about these things. James I envy the upbringing you had that gives you such wisdom and insight at such a young age, khaleesi I am partial to you I generally agree with anything you say….. Peak…… whew. This piece has really got me thinking…… and PP I know you will figure out what’s best for you you are that balanced.
Pink Panther
July 20, 18:25Thanks Kester. 🙂
JOJOARMANI
July 20, 22:51The first day I kissed a girl was the most awkward and boring moment of my life… I don’t feel nothing… I mean Nothing! for ’em … am just so tired of thinking about all this…
If anything would make me get married it would be for the kids… and whoever the girl would be, she needs know am so gay to be having sex with her… Girls get naked in my presence and I feel nothing… but just seen my crush boxer makes me want eat him raw….
Sha I still have years to think about that… now am regretting not going into seminary, by now I would have been a priest and no fucking body would worry me about marriage to someone I would keep hating why she’s blocking a bed where my sweet guys would be… Mtchw