CHANGE STARTS WITH YOU (An Open Letter To The Gays)

CHANGE STARTS WITH YOU (An Open Letter To The Gays)

Guys are not supposed to cry.

Guys should not wear pink.

Boys should not play with dolls.

Men should just chest it and keep a strong face for everyone.


These are the things that society says to men, and as examples of what men are not supposed to be, gay men are usually in the front lines of championing the cause to end toxic masculinity, mostly because we want to be free to live our lives in whatever spectrum we feel the most comfortable, and like what we want without random factors of the society telling us we should not because it is not acceptable – or normal. A lot of gay men preach that men should be allowed to be human first, before they are men. Showing emotion is a human thing, so men should be allowed to show their emotions as well. Colours should not be gender specific either. Both sexes should be able to wear what they like, as long as they feel good in it.

And this is all well and good – until you take a look at the gay community.


Oh you like that? Are you sure you’re Top? Tops should not enjoy having their ass eaten.

I thought you said you were a Top, why then are you holding your hand like that?

You’re a Bottom? How come you’re so muscular?

Don’t put your eye on that one – she’s a Macho Mary…your fellow sister.


Yes. The very same men who decry the constraints society places on men which diminishes our allowance to express ourselves turn around and throw away their fight against toxic masculinity when it comes to the community, especially when it comes to sexual expressions and preferences. Roles and expectations are assigned to gay men based on their sexual roles.

You’re a Top, and so, there are certain things you’re not expected to do or like. You’re a Bottom, and so, there are certain roles you have to fit into.

He pouts too much in his Instagram photos. That’s not the way a Top is supposed to behave.

He is always posting thirst-trap pictures of him working out. Oh wait, did you say he’s Bottom? Eww!

He posted a caption to one of his photos that make him come across as too emotional. Is that a nose ring – and a nipple ring too?!!! There is no way this guy is a Top please.

So you mean to tell me he can’t cook? Why then is he claiming to be a Bottom?

You guys have been texting for a while, and then you eventually meet. The conversation is good. The vibes are cool, but you have some concerns. He gesticulates a lot with his hands. That is not typical of a top. You are trying to overlook this, and then you find out that he does not drink alcohol or smoke. Maybe it’s just a health thing, you say to yourself. Then he admits that he likes to play dress-up sometimes and loves to watch chick flicks. You are convinced he is a Bottom. Just imagine! He even said he loves Beyoncé and Ariana Grande. You are now positive that this brother is in fact a Bottom.

You ask your friend for a hookup, a Bottom you can smash, and he sends you a number on WhatsApp. You say hello to the person whose contact he sent you, and then a chatversation goes on from there. You two have great chemistry. He is saying everything that makes you realize how much you are starting to be into him. So, of course you want to hear him speak, and you call him. The bass of his voice however startles you, and you start having your doubts. When you two start talking about sex and he tells you he likes to have his dick sucked, you resent that – because Bottoms are simply supposed to want to get fucked, and nothing else.

And let’s not even talk about Versatiles and Sides, those confused guys who don’t know what they want. Like, how can he say he doesn’t like anal sex? Anal sex that is basically the major component of the gay identity! And that one that says he’s a Versatile is just an undercover Bottom. If he would just accept himself, then he will stop with that Vers nonsense!

The irony of these toxicities being perpetuated in a community that clamours for recognition of its diversities can’t be said enough. We want people to open their minds to the possibilities of men being more than the traditional boxes we have put them in, and yet we do not want to open our own minds to those possibilities as it concerns us.

How is that not ironic?

If anything is going to change, it has to start with you. Not your neighbor, or colleague, or friend, or family member. It has to start with you.

Because the society is You. And if you can’t fix yourself, how do you expect to fix others?

Written by Roland

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  1. Mitch
    August 01, 08:46 Reply

    Preach it, brother!

  2. Adebuzz
    August 01, 09:26 Reply

    This is so accurate and on-target.
    I was just having this discussion with my friend about how people bring the disequilibrium/imbalance that happens in heterosexual relationships into gay relationships is so annoying and disgusting.
    E.g “You’re a Bottom, and so, there are certain roles you have to fit into.”
    “So you mean to tell me he can’t cook? Why then is he claiming to be a Bottom?”

  3. Rudy
    August 01, 09:49 Reply

    This should become the Gay Pledge!
    Charity indeed begins from Home.

  4. Jo
    August 01, 10:12 Reply

    This right here! Louder pls. Thks Roland

  5. Rehoboth
    August 01, 10:31 Reply

    Pinky, Roland perfectly encapsulated our discussion the other day.

  6. Mikey?
    August 01, 11:52 Reply

    That’s how I was told I wasn’t allowed to be top because I’m effeminate. Well since we have macho bottom we should have feminine tops as well,

    Though when I saw the caption of this post I thought it will read about us educating our family to be less homophobic if we want a less homophobic country, I’m on that journey maybe I’ll write about that?

  7. Denzy
    August 01, 12:50 Reply

    very thoughtful discourse.
    The ideas behind cliches and stereotypes in the gay community is one issue that still confuddles me, I mean, the world already does enough to denigrate and despise us, so why take so much trouble in stratifying ourselves?

    ‘power this and that’, macho, side, femme… What do these matter? eventually, it goes down to who you wanna get down with which is either the female or the male human specie.

  8. Zoar
    August 01, 14:25 Reply

    Live and Let live!

    Respect People’s sincere Choices/decisions!!

    Mind your Business!!!

    People whether Gay/Straight should do these three listed lines ??? more often.

  9. Kristo
    August 01, 17:45 Reply

    This… a strange and serendipitous way was just wat i was hashing out with one btm….MY NAME IS ROLAND TOO

  10. Tristan
    August 01, 18:36 Reply

    I’ve had someone tell me that saying “hi” is only meant for bottoms. I can’t deal.

  11. Stretchy
    August 01, 19:11 Reply

    I once told a grinder contact that I was side. The next thing he says is, how you go take fuck your wife. Na “romance” she go take get belle ni. This one offed me on several layers ??

    • Flexsterous
      August 03, 08:04 Reply

      Lol, the level of stupidity of that question, or he assumed that as a Nigerian you would eventually marry a woman.

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