About Doing The Right Thing And Other Stories
Getting into the scene after a long service year is quite exhausting. I tried to keep up while serving but my environment wouldn’t let me. I got busy partying with my fellow corper friends. We partied at every club you could think of in Calabar.
“What an overhyped town,” I usually said to myself.
Ebony Life TV just dey sell market wey no dey. The town is so small. All the so-called tourist attractions often preached about on TV are hours away from Calabar. For example, Obudu Cattle Ranch is like a six-hour-and-thirty-minute drive from Calabar.
Anyway, I was finally out of the town. I couldn’t be bothered. I got back to Lagos with so much zest. I’d missed my home city. After our passing out, I hopped on the next available flight to Lagos. Yes, it’s that serious.
I settled down at home and decided to download Grindr. I logged on to my profile.
“It’s been a while,” I said to myself.
My profile page came up and messages from everywhere began tumbling in – Hey sexy… Hello dear… Sup, you wanna fuck?
Lol, kilode? Nah only me?
I began to delete the messages. I wasn’t in the mood for all this totori things. I needed fresh people. It’s like going to hunt and you say you want to catch dead animals. Something is doing your head. I had an agenda, which was to meet new friends. There were fine, fine pictures everywhere. I scrolled up and down severally, looking for the one that would catch my fancy.
I found one and I read his profile. Quite inspiring – you know, all those “life is full of beautiful things” kinda talk. I buzzed him. He replied immediately. In my mind, I was like: Oshey! Chop five! Your head is there.
We started chatting. During the chatversation, he mentioned he was into BDSM, something he claimed to thoroughly enjoy. I didn’t understand what it meant, until I hastened to Google to search for its meaning. I was shell-shocked. I didn’t reply the nigga. I packed my load and went hunting for another person.
Then I saw this profile picture. I chuckled to myself when I recognized him – or rather, the back of his head. The face was turned away in the photo.
Is this not Lagbaja (not real name)? I thought.
“It can’t be!” I exclaimed.
I went to the profile description. What I read didn’t match the person I know. Instantly, I knew something was off. It was clear to me; this individual was using my friend’s picture on his page. This Lagbaja that I’m talking about is a notable figure in the fashion industry. That was why I’d been surprised to see his picture on Grindr; it is something you wouldn’t expect a celebrity, big or small, who’s gay, to do.
Immediately, I messaged the impersonating bobo. My words: Hello, it is very disrespectful to use someone else’s picture on here. The guy you are impersonating is a notable person in Nigeria, especially Lagos. This is someone I know and I have met several times. Kindly take his picture down and use someone else’s picture. Or perhaps even yours. Thanks.
As the Good Samaritan that I am, I went on instagram to message Lagbaja that some enemy of progress was out there tarnishing his image o! He should be careful.
When I returned to Grindr, the bobo had replied me. See me thinking the goat would heed my attempt at reasoning with him and take down the picture. He replied me, saying: Hi, I liked the guy and that’s why I used his picture, even though we have not met. I’m not disclosing his face. Nobody will know it’s him. I will take it out when I want. Thanks for your observation.
Jesus! What effrontery! I reported the page several times to make Grindr authorities get his ass out. I mean, come on! This is wrong! And some of us are steadily guilty of this. We pick people’s pictures up from the internet or social media, even gay porn stars, and use them as our display picture on dating/hookup sites. What is that?! How about you use yours to get the attention you are seeking, rather than use someone else’s and fool yourself when it comes to meeting in person. You’re only proving how desperate and foolish you are if you’re an online impersonator. Also, you’re putting innocent people at risk. In our society, people get mobbed steady for things they aren’t responsible for. The mob mentality in Nigeria usually operates on ‘strike first and ask questions later’. Impersonating someone places an undeserved target on this person. Or at the very least, exposes him to possible attention he may very well not want. These perils are something the impersonator is clearly aware of, hence him not using his own picture on his profile. It baffles me then that such a person will do to someone else what he wouldn’t do to himself. What sort of callous disregard is that?
If we say we want acceptance in this country, we must be ready to accept ourselves first. Be proud of your body. Be proud of your skin. Be proud of your dick. Be proud of your ass. Own yourself. Do not give yourself the value you haven’t worked for. Allow yourself to grow. If you don’t want to use your picture, use animals (there are sexy ones), sensual quotes, nature photos, snapshots of torsos and the likes. Don’t be justified in your impersonation with the rationalization that you didn’t put the person’s facial picture out there. The truth is you don’t need a facial view of an individual before you can recognize him or her. Immediately I saw the picture, I knew it was Lagbaja.
In the name of God, dear Nigerian gay man, do the right thing, and observe the right result come to you. Like they say, the change we want begins with us.
Written by AJ
About author
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41 Comments
Mandy
October 18, 06:27I remember when I saw a friend of mine, his picture on Badoo. Naturally, I buzzed him to say hi, you know, all familiar-like. The response I got was ‘hello, do I know you?’
I was surprised, like WTF is this guy denying me on Badoo for. We’re friends and my picture was on my profile. So I buzzed him back and was like, dude are you going to act like you don’t know me again?
This time, I added his name to my message (let’s say his name is Tunde). The guy replied: ‘This isn’t Tunde.’
And immediately I caught on what was going on. I got angry. Like seriously, what is wrong with people? Why would you put up somebody else’s picture and use it to market yourself. Don’t you fear God? And on this profile, he didn’t even put ‘Open minded’. He put ‘Gay’ and ‘Looking to date guys’. I was so pissed. Sent him a scathing message, expressing my disappointment, and his response was: ‘Please kindly mind your own business.’
Smh. Some people seriously need some thunder to fire them.
Aj
October 18, 06:58The thunder that will fire them is doing push-ups. It will come like an hurricane.
Peak
October 18, 07:51“even gay porn stars, and use them as our display picture on dating/hookup sites. ”
Sorry luv, you lost me here.
Pink Panther
October 18, 08:02How so?
Peak
October 18, 08:24PP, I get and understand how infuriating it is to use someone’s picture without their knowledge, talk more of using the picture of someone who is very much in the closet. That is like outing them. But using the pictures of porn stars, is pretty much the natural setting for almost everyone. Almost if not all of us have had to use the pix of a model or a porn star in our transactions in the meat market. They are called models for a reason.
The piece started well and had me smiling from the beginning. But that line made is sound a tad too preachy and dripping with hypocrisy (No shade). I just got turned off by that line, that’s all.
Pink Panther
October 18, 08:31“…dripping with hypocrisy.”
Hypocrisy implies that AJ does not practise what he preaches. Unless you know his Grindr profile well enough to know he uses porn star pics, then you shouldn’t accuse him of being hypocritical.
And secondly, I think the point of his write-up isn’t just about using other people’s pictures for your profile, but in just generally being truer to oneself online. I for one do not have the patience or inclination to buzz anyone on Grindr who I see flaunting the photo of a porn star or basically any recognized ‘internet’ photo. There’s something so glaringly fake about that that turns me off.
Peak
October 18, 08:59“Almost if not all of us have had to use the pix of a model or a porn star in our transactions in the meat market. ”
Dear sir, before you get carried away and think the use of “hypocrisy” was an attempt to shade the writer after including “(no shade)” out of concern that my intent would be lost in translation, please read the above again.
I don’t know AJ in person, nor his grindr profile. My point is that we have all (almost all of us ) had to use the picture of a model or porn star at some point in our lives which MADE iT SOUND hypocritical.
I never bashed the piece nor its intent. I just pointed out a line that sent me off a track. You asked for an explanation, I gave it. So try and get some pill in ur chill
Pink Panther
October 18, 09:22I was very chill when I replied you. My tone was conversational. And I’m glad you put that caveat of ‘almost all of us’ right after ‘we have all’. Makes so much sense not to lump everyone into an expectation you have of us.
Aj
October 18, 09:42My dear its not just about using a gay porn star photo. It’s about owning yourself. The market you dey find, Shey Nah the porn star dem go fuck? Using that, you’re trying to get the attention of a potential market but there is nothing sweet as using your own picture or something related to your personality.
Peak
October 18, 10:13AJ, Porn stars are pretty much models, modelling sex. If you are on grindr shopping for sex and decide to put the body of some hot model to help you market urself, then I see nothing wrong with that. If you know anything about advertising (no shade), you would know that the 1st line of action is to brand and package urself in such a way that you draw in as much people as you can get. when you have done that, you go on to sieve through what best serves ur purpose. Profiles pix is nothing but an illusion. The persons profile and conversation usually gives you a feel of what the person in question is about.
The idea that you are selling here (I hope I am wrong) is that whoever is/has used the picture of a model/ porn star in his man/woman hunt campaign is not being true to themselves and that includes twitter, facebook, MJ, grindr and co. So in the light of this, how man of us have indeed stayed true to ourselves by using our pix all through. Your idea is a bit of a stretch thats all I am saying.
Whoever is hitting me up with a picture of Drilla in all his gear as my profile, is not dumb to the point to think he would have the actual Drilla at the end of the day.
Peak
October 18, 07:54Wait!
AJ? Calabar? **Sips tea**
Dickson Clement
October 18, 08:05How on earth is serving in calabar boring?
Aj
October 18, 09:50My dear, you ain’t heard enough yet. I should write about it soon. During the festive season is where the fun is. Every other day is a killer. And if you don’t have money, forget it. Trust me, it’s nothing compared to Lagos and Port Harcourt even Uyo sef.
esv.jay
October 18, 08:56this post was a thorough bore-fest tho’… just had to post a comment. can’t even remember what the post was about right now
IBK
October 18, 09:11When you have the attention span of a cocker spaniel why won’t you forget ?
IBK
October 18, 09:16Abeg it’s not that deep.
Remember paranoia reigns supreme hence why some folks won’t use their face. It’s fiendish of course to use someone else but isn’t translating it to self esteem reaching a bit?
Aj
October 18, 09:56Well, we can say “self esteem” bla bla bla. I think whatever potential market one is looking for for whatever reason, there should be a sense of true identity. I wouldn’t want to meet an individual on such a platform and I’m not able to have an idea of his personality.
Aj
October 18, 09:45For the record, I don’t use a gay porn star photo on my grindr neither do I use my picture. I use a picture related to my personality and I get the attention I deserve.
Peak
October 18, 10:15You don’t you use ur own picture? Shocker!
Theo
October 18, 10:27Oga Peak, let it rest abeg…
The moral of this post is that if you can’t use your pics on a gay dating site because of fear of the unknown, then why endanger someone else’s life by using their pix as your own profile pix.
I understand your take on using models pix but not everyone shares that sentiment so stop forcing it up our GIT.
Peak
October 18, 14:49Mr Theo, at no point did I deny or question the intent of the post. All I did was point out ONE idea that was stretched out unnecessarily by the writer and not obtainable in real life situations. A quick visit to grindr will reveal more pictures of models as opposed to actual people.
Forgive me for not having a herd mentality and swallowing everything hook line and sinker.
Do well to keep in mind that an objection doesn’t necessarily mean an attack. Thank you.
Keredim
October 18, 14:56Forgive me for not having a herd mentality and swallowing everything hook line and sinker.
Oh, how could you???
Alaska
October 18, 09:59I used to think Calabar was fun tho…..
“I settled down at home and decided to download Grindr. I logged on to my profile.”
“It’s been a while,” I said to myself”
Does that mean grindr doesn’t work in calabar?
Aj
October 18, 14:08Apparently, it works. Calabar is an extremely small town. So all you get is 2 or 3 guys who are sometimes frequent. The only outsider I met was someone who came in from Abj for a business meeting and that was it. It’s a small town, everyone knows everyone. Later I got to know they operate in clicks and many other things sha. Gay guys in Calabar use facebook more than Grindr.
teeboi
October 18, 10:03Sorry oo, I Didn’t Come Here For The post,
Pls, Pinky, Who Is That ” Black Model” That Pops Up Anytime An Issue On Grindr Is Brought Up…
I’ve Been Searching For Him oooo,
I Just Need Only His NAME, Which I’m Very Sure, “The Monitoring Spirits” Would Have Come Across
And, Hmmm….Deola Were Are You…?? Bo Ta OO
Laurel ” The Pregnant Survivor Of The Fire”
#Chestnut
October 19, 13:07@teeboi: his name is Kyle Goffney. u can follow him on ig (but all he talks about is his body and his slayage and ppl that hate him because they don’t have nice bodies like he does, and ppl that hate him because they will never have the opportunity to fuck him…)
Pink Panther
October 19, 14:29*yawn* Really? ??
Mrtrufflebutter
October 18, 11:07Same thing happened to me, a pic of mine was taking from my IG and a fake profile of me was created on grindr with my real IG info, both my phone numbers. I had no clue cus i had deleted the app @ the time. Lo and behold my phone started buzzing messages, called from different guys, had to change my IG name and make it private. The person went to the grindr account and put my new IG name, liƙe my brain was jst running temperature. My friends kept reporting the account till it was eventually suspended.
Some people are jst sad cowards ?
Keredim
October 18, 13:36Why would you have your Phone number(s) on your IG account?!?
keredim
October 18, 11:44I completely agree with what AJ is saying, but sadly it is not targeted at people living in countries where being gay doesn’t have negative societal and legal consequences.
I wouldn’t go to Dubai and expect that the pictures I see on Grindr profiles are actually those of the (arab) men behind the profile.
So like IBK said, it is not a matter of self-esteem, but rather that of self preservation in a hostile environment.
However, at some point in the chatversation, i will expect real pictures to be exchanged. And if i have any doubt about the pictures, I just wouldn’t meet the person.
Also from your piece, your primary aim on Grindr is to hook up with someone and move on to the next fresh person. So I don’t understand the “wanting to know their persona” thing on Grindr, you are trying to portray. He is not going to reveal to you whether he is an axe murderer.
PS(Grindr is banned in the UAE, but if you have VPN….)
Chuck
October 18, 12:07If you use a model’s photo you probably won’t get any responses. The consequences are immediate.
Personally, if you hit me up with Drilla’s pic and you say you live in Ikoyi I will send you LeBron James’s pic and tell you I am a High Court judge. Your fantasy world gets my fantasy world, ojoro cancel.
Pink Panther
October 18, 12:27????
Jeova Sanctus Unus
October 18, 12:45Hold. The. Fuck. Up.
You’re on Grindr? ?Kenenu Jesu! Kenenume ya!?????
Chuck
October 18, 17:49Why wouldn’t I be on Grindr? I don’t know why you’re dancing.
Like KD, Grindr can be a place to meet/ have conversations with other gay men.
Handle
October 18, 12:27Glad someone brought this up. This is becoming prevalent on Grindr. Had three incidents these last two weeks.
1. The first incident was a guy that used someone else’s pic on his profile. While chatting, he sent another, I overlooked. When we got off to WhatsApp and he sent another pic. Confronted him and he started apologizing.
2. Met another grindr profile who sent me the same pic the first guy sent on Whatsapp.
3. Chatted with a guy some weeks back. Sent me his pic. Chatted with another profile yesterday and he sent me the same pic the former profile sent me. Blocked both, wasn’t sure who was who.
Nobody is saying put your face on Grindr. Just use any crop pic of yourself or anything else, except another person’s. Don’t misrepresent yourself. And putting fellow gay people at risk for self preservation won’t end well for neither of us.
.•*Sugaar.•*
October 18, 14:05AJ, honestly you made my day already… Thanking you (in jenifa’s voice).
I use my picture, my frens said its not okay, it’s bad to use my pic up there, this and that bla bla. I come dey ask, whos face is gon be seen and get what you want? I just hate this akward thing of, send me your pic! Gosh,,,, the worst is, after sending the pic then you no go hear more hellos… Abeg, as we just read of Adverts today, it’s your own product you gon put on the media or public for adverts and not someone’s else product.
And I so wish those using other pppl pics will stop running their mouths first asking, can I see your pic or send me your pic. Do to others as you want them do to you.
Once again, God bless ya AJ. If you want to give head come … Lol my own way of showing gratitude for this wonderful message!
Brian Collins
October 18, 16:13Oh pinky, so what I should have done was engage the person who I said was impersonating someone I know very well on grindr and then called him out and have him block me without finding out if the guy is using the grindr profile to harm other guys or not, and then come and write a story on KD about how I could have prevented harm to someone else (if that was the case) abi?
you don't say
October 18, 18:33I take offense to your comments about my home town. It might not be the brash, noisy and chaotic city Lagos is but it does have it’s charms. You just have to meet the right people and know where to go.
Whitney
October 19, 05:29I don’t trust any face in that Grindr. I had to erase myself from there. The only place I can trust is Facebook. The mutual friends, likes, groups in common can help you know who is who. I’m not concerned when people use other person’s picture because they don’t look too good. But rather I’m concerned when they are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Facebook has been my best catchment center.
Chizzie
October 19, 14:51So not only is Grindr Nigeria now teeming with skinny malnourished sexually unattractive and unhygienic looking men, but it’s gradually becoming a hot bed of catfish.
Someone msged me a few weeks back, (I had a dp where much of my face was cropped off, but was still somewhat recognisable to those who have seen a picture of me) , sounding very annoyed that I had let him down last minute and had blocked him on Whatsapp. Long story short, somebody had used my picture to catfish him. Took him a while to believe I wasn’t Ola, a 200L law student from Unilag
I think I was more offended by the fact that this person is parading me as a Yoruba student.
Grindr really at this point is becoming like the 2go of gay hookup sites, seeing as data is now more affordable and it might be time to ditch it
PETROVICH
November 18, 15:59Tribalistic much….so u wouldn’t have been pained if he paraded you as an igbo student.
SMH