About Religion, Ultimatums, And Gay Relationships
I had some thoughts on the story, The Love That Wasn’t Meant To Be.
First, I think it is not ideal to manage a relationship by the means of an ultimatum. I know those moments when you just think that someone is nearing the red line and there’s the temptation to say that some things must finally be put right. But I don’t think anyone would like to receive such an ultimatum; it feels like being blackmailed and many would give a negative reply just because of that, not because they don’t want to stay with their lover.
Secondly, there’s the issue of deeply religious boyfriends.
My boyfriend is very religious, so I can relate to the feelings of the narrator. Actually, I’m Christian, but I grew up learning from my parents that homosexuality exists and that it is okay and I was not raised with the idea that only the Bible is right.
My boyfriend however is Muslim and his family is deeply religious.
When Ramadan approached, I noticed that he became somehow tense, eventually telling me that we wouldn’t be able to communicate as usual. No texting or saying, “I love you”, or “kiss”, “darling”, “baby”, not even “I miss you” or “I would like to hold your hand”. As a matter of fact, he wouldn’t text me at all during the day and phone calls were reduced to once or twice WEEKLY with the exception of when we had important things to organise. Initially, he’d even suggested that we shouldn’t meet at all for the whole month, but then I voiced my disapproval and told him we shouldn’t just consider us lovers in the sexual sense but also best of friends and life companions. Yet I wasn’t sure if I’d convinced him, but then I was pleased when he announced he would come to see me every weekend but wouldn’t spend the night. That was more than I hoped for. Of course I was counting the days anxiously.
As you can imagine, there was no sex or kissing during the whole month, even though the Qur’an explicitly authorizes sex after nightfall during Ramadan. But it was not the first time I’d come to know that gay Muslims feel the need to be holier than the rest during fasting.
However, my boyfriend could still hang out with his gay buddies (mostly Muslims). With them, there was no risk of getting aroused, he said. That was a compliment I could do without.
At the end of the holy month, sometimes when I’d want to kiss him or when I mentioned certain things, he’d suddenly stop me, saying, “No, I still have prayers left for today and I don’t want to redo my washing.” These moments gave me the feeling he believed it was just me who made him unclean or impure, even though he’d engaged in all kinds of “dirty stuff” in the gay scene and nightlife prior to our relationship. He could do bad all by himself, without any help from me. And yet, in those moments, it felt like he blamed the whole gay thing on me.
And of course, his gay friends don’t ever have to deal with similar restrictions. He says that’s because I have a more special place so I must know the way he truly feels while he doesn’t bother about the rest. I somehow understand yet it doesn’t feel great.
At least, he never says he will repent and stop being gay. He has accepted whom he is.
But the thing is, I know that he doesn’t do all this to hurt me or shame me but because he has lived with invectives against homosexuality since he was child. It is not just a question of liking such a point of view or not; it just scares the hell out of him. Even if he stopped behaving like that for me, I know he would sometimes feel bad and even live in fear. Of course I would want him to drop these ideas and behaviours, but I know that it is something I cannot just order him to stop. And an ultimatum would simply backfire. I wouldn’t want to lose him for something like that and I know that I’ll have to live with it.
Because in spite of all that, I’m truly happy with him.
Written by Milo
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10 Comments
Delle
September 06, 09:48Wow. This is some deep shit. And even though I respect your feelings and all hunnay, I don’t envy you.
Mitch
September 06, 10:08You’re a strong person. I just hope your strength keeps you going through this
Johnny
September 06, 10:55All these religious people self. I just jammed into one but I can’t risk. Even if he has 30 billion for the account.
Nnamdi
September 06, 12:43Lovely! I know exactly how you feel. You can’t really win with the religious guilt. The irony is that your lover will most likely not feel guilty , if it was with the opposite sex. Which is still a sin, last I recall.
I do believe that there are levels of acceptance. Once upon a time, most of us denounced our sexualities. It’s a level of acceptance one needs to come into on their own.
It’s ok to stay, and if at some point you can’t take it anymore. It’s ok to leave. We are all on our individual journeys.
DeadlyDarius
September 06, 12:44Wish you two the best and good fortune….you’ll need it
Bloom
September 06, 14:01Awwww…. This is beautiful. I hope that love would come through for both of you.
trystham
September 06, 18:40Oh. Shey the Ramadan month of hypocrisy? Don’t take it to heart. Its the same thing with the straight folks as well. We all heave huge sighs of relief when they end it. Life continues ‘normally’ after.
But with christians…hmph. Every Sunday (Saturday, if u r Seven day) and Wednesdays, on days when/if they mistakenly get on a bus with a preacher man, every morning reminders with halleluyah BCs (which WILL be forwarded to u as well)…guy, that shii is exhausting. You just never know the day they will flip
Brian Collins
September 06, 23:14My friend, always the eternal pessimist. What’s to say that they’ll flip entirely.
El
September 08, 01:23It’s far from hypocracy, rather it’s the spirit of the month that takes over Muslims all over the world. That’s Ramadan for you. It just has that effect on us (Muslism). Acctaully when I was reading that, I could swear it was my man (Partner) that was writing that if not that I’m sure he doesn’t know his way to KD. That is exactly my life story right now. During the holy month, he feels exactly this way and has even voiced it out on several occasions. However, my religiousness is one of the qualities he admires in me. I respect his religion (I respect everybody’s view) To me it feels really good practicing the religion to the best of my ability while still being who I am. Being gay doesn’t make me any less of a human neither a muslim. It’s just what it is. If you find guidance, comfort and peace in your religion, why not do it well? That just my believe.
Chizzy
September 08, 17:11Hmm, Muslim bah