ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED

Thinking about love and past relationships, I often wonder if at some point in any of my relationships, I felt the quintessential feeling of love for the girls I dated – you know, the “I can’t live without you” feeling or having that fear of them leaving me or thinking I am not good enough. I know I’m good-looking but definitely not the best in that department, but I make up for that in other departments; I have a great sense of humor, I’m charming and witty as fuck, I know I’m smart – and let’s not start on the sex. lol. Anyway, this is by no means an advertisement (even though I wouldn’t mind getting some DMs, lol.) I’m just saying, Love is a weird thing and sometimes I wonder about all the ways one can possibly love another. For instance, for someone to love two people at a time. Most would say no, that it isn’t possible. I think that it is, because if you can love people at different points in your life, why can’t people be loved the same time?

Years ago, when I was in the university, I met this girl on 2go. Her name was Trae and we hit it off real quick. She was sweet and charming, and I knew I liked her a lot. We soon started talking on the phone; one time, I called her and ran out of airtime, and the next thing I knew, I got 400 naira airtime sent to me. I was really impressed by this and it made me even more attracted to her. I’m a giver. In relationships, to my family, I’m this independent woman that never asks but always gives. So, I was so impressed when she sent me that money and her appeal for me grew stronger.

Since I had never dated a girl before then, I was somewhat skeptical about pursuing anything with her. I was afraid that if I started, there would be no way to stop. I was very conflicted.

Then came the period of MTN Goody Bag or something like that, where you could register one number and call the number free of charge all day. Of course, she registered my number and we literally slept with our phones in our ears. I remember our favorite song then was Trey Songz’s Already Taken. It was like our relationship anthem, and even now, whenever I hear that song, I remember her. My roommates then thought I had a boyfriend and would always hail the “guy” at the other end of the phone whenever they saw me talking on the phone with her. They had no clue.

Eventually I went home for my IT and Trae came to my state for a visit. She came with her sister and they lodged in a hotel, and I went there to see her. Because of how charming she was, she was able to get the hotel staff to give us another room without paying, so we had some privacy. She was so beautiful and looked very guileless, and I realized I really liked her. That was when our relationship officially started.

She was my best friend – at least, that was what her siblings presumed. She was someone I knew loved me wholeheartedly. And I fucked it up. You see I was still on 2go, and believe it or not, there were a lot of gay people on that app. So that even though I had this sweet, caring, charming, beautiful girl that was bae, I was still drawn into temptation from the attention I was getting from other girls on the app. I met this other girl, Trish, and we hit it off quickly. Trish was very flirtatious, and we flirted away our lives. Whenever she called me, I instantly got horny. There was just something about her voice and the way she talked that drove me crazy. I had to see her. At some point, I even fancied myself in love with her. (It of course turned out that I was very infatuated with her instead.)

During that period, I was already rounding up my IT, and my girlfriend and I were getting to almost a year of being together. Then I traveled to Anambra to see Trish. She with the voice I found irresistible. The visit turned out to be my mistake. It was with her I realized that kissing was a very sacred part of intimacy to me, and that not everyone deserves to be kissed. This goes to show how horrible kissing her was. At some point, I started to rethink my whole journey. Was it really worth it? Why did I have to travel all the way for this? Was it really just about the sex?

However, even though the intimacy was a disaster, she made up for that in other things. But I was already feeling bad about the whole situation and just wanted to go home. I can’t recall how long I stayed, but I eventually left and returned to school to begin my final year. I didn’t tell Trae that I had cheated, but she kind of sensed I was being distant and all. She thought it was due to school wahala, which was half true. The guilt I felt was the major reason though.

And that guilt eventually got so much, I had to come clean to her. Nobody ever wants to hear that the person they love fucked someone else, but I didn’t want to lie to her, because I had come to realize that even though she loved me and was perfect, the feeling wasn’t mutual. I mean, I liked her a lot. She was my first. We’d shared very special moments. She was the first girl to make me realize that: Hey, it’s okay to feel this way about a girl… Hey, you are not a freak… You are definitely not alone… I am here for you, I’m always here for you.

But I didn’t love her back. I didn’t feel as strongly for her as she felt for me. And I had to let her go. She had to let me go too.

I lost my best friend, and because I felt disgusted with myself for cheating, I also cut ties with the sexy-voice girl.

A few months later, after Trae and I had broken up, I had several transient online connections with girls I never got to meet. I had this friend, Vic, at Uniport at the time, and when I kind of needed a break from the world, I went to her lodge to chill for the weekend.

It started with a massage. She said her back hurt and she wanted a massage. I obliged her, and because my hands have a mind of their own, they found a way to her boobs. She did not recoil or ask me to stop. I managed to get her turned on, and next thing, we were having hot freaky sex. The sex was really good and I went back home feeling very refreshed. She categorically told me before I left that she wanted nothing more than friendship and I was totally fine with that. Two days later however, she called me and told me she couldn’t stop thinking about me, that she thought it was just because of the sex, but that it was definitely more than that. I was surprised by her admission because she had been clear with me regarding how she didn’t want us to get more involved than as just friends. Anyway, we kept on talking and chatting, and one thing led to another and I found myself in another relationship.

Being with Vic was steady. We took things slow, and since she schooled in same state as me, we got to see each other a lot and hung out. I remember one time she came to my house, we were alone at first but my mother came home sometime later, after we had already finished making out. After Vic left, my mother pulled me aside and asked if I was sure I wasn’t “doing lesbianism with that girl”. I was stunned, but quickly recovered enough to object that she was just a friend.

After that day though, I had to rethink the whole situation. My mother was a very spiritual person and living with her under the same roof wasn’t easy. You had to be on same page or at least a page close to hers in terms of spirituality, otherwise you would be termed “carnal”. I began to feel intensely guilty about everything. I was a big sinner and God had revealed it to my mother, and that was why she’d somehow known about “that girl” and I being into “lesbianism”. The following Sunday, I went to church and asked God to forgive me and to give me His grace to stop. I really had to stop being with girls because it wasn’t normal and it was sinful.

In the week after that Sunday, I called Vic and told her I was done. That I couldn’t go on with this sinful life and I knew God was on my side and was going to help me stop. She tried to talk me out of my decision, saying she herself had tried to stop several times but she hadn’t been able to and that I was never going to actually stop. I told her that just because she couldn’t stop didn’t mean I wouldn’t stop. And that became the end of us.

TO BE CONTINUED

Written by Net