RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 34)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 34)

I had a carpenter come over to my house to fix some stuff the other day, and it took almost the whole day. I was getting impatient with him because Saturdays are precious to me, especially to catch up with friends in the evenings. Eventually the guy finished his work at about 6pm and we headed out together, since I was on my way out anyway. As I drove at a slow pace due to the pot holes in the neighbourhood, I noticed one tall, slim and very good looking guy; I’d seen him around the area before, you know, those people who look rough around the edges but who you know that with a little cleaning up will be quite the head-turner. This guy approached the carpenter by the window, greeted me and asked him give him “one white please”.

When we moved ahead, I asked the carpenter what “one white’ meant, fearing it was a code for some drug or banned substances. He gave a short laugh, called me ajebota (a term I honestly hate) and clarified that “one white” was fifty naira, whereas “one green” was twenty naira. I was going to argue with him that it doesn’t make sense seeing as the fifty naira note is not exactly white in color, but then it hit me. This grown-up, good-looking boy was begging for fifty naira! Fifty naira! I mean, that cannot even buy a plastic bottle of coke. Why is life unfair to some people? It saddened my heart.

So I stopped long enough to gesture the guy over. When he returned to the car, I gave him five hundred naira. From his reaction, you would have thought I gave him the key to the CBN vault. He nearly embarrassed me with his show of gratitude, and I had to move ahead because he was drawing attention from passersby.

And since that day, he sort of became my friend, always coming around to my house to ask if there was anything I wanted done; he’d help me do the dishes, wash the car, run small errands for me and every now and then, I would give me some small cash, old clothes, whatever food I had, plus a few times he went out with me.

Soon however, the devil began to work overtime in my head. I started noticing details about him that I had no business noticing. He has very nice legs, plus his abs are to die for. He has two dimples above his butt which is something that drives me crazy. I kept reminding myself not to take advantage of a nice young man who just wants to help me around the house, but my whore-mones would not let me. My friends kept pushing and pushing me: “This guy will do anything for you because of the things you do for him, why are you dulling?”

I agree that I am a slut for all intents and purposes, but I still have some values, and taking advantage of someone is not consistent with my values. So I maintained my distance.

But, brothers and sisters, as you read this, this my very helpful guy has had sex with my friend six times and counting, lol. And my dear friend told me that judging by the skills he displayed, that it was not his first time. He still comes around my house to do stuff, but he now gives me that “I know” look which I pretend not to see. I’m still tempted anyway, but well, I’m on a celibacy trip now, so…

*

I was in a bus to Enugu recently for a wedding which honestly I wanted to skip but which I’d committed to attending way back. I’d already had a crazy week, plus I also worked that day till almost 3pm before I left for the park completely exhausted. First of all, there were no more air-conditioned buses, which was my first irritation, but then I got on the last bus anyway and we set off.

I sat next to this woman who had a baby of about two years. I said hello to her and turned to focus on the landscape spreading out before us along the highway. Behind us sat two girls who had been bantering since the bus moved. I had on my headphones, to forestall the intrusion of any such stupid talks like why we need Biafra.

And then, something very hilarious happened. During one of the times I took off my headphones, one of the girls told the woman beside me in Igbo that her baby is very beautiful, and that her baby is “onu gbajie boys’. This literally means “neck-should-break boys”, which is primarily used for very beautiful girls, who cause boys to snap their necks while turning around to get a good look. This was meant as a compliment, beautiful and pretty harmless.

The problem however was that the said baby is a boy, lol.

The mother turned and spat at the girl, “Onu gbajie boys? Tufiakwa! Holy Ghost fire! Onu gbajie boys for my son? Chai! Aluu! Chukwu amam kwe!”

The mortified girl started apologizing, clarifying that she thought the baby was a girl. But the woman was not ready to be mollified. She fired on, “You wish the spirit of homosexualism upon my son, ehkwa? God forbid bad thing! Boys will not desire my son! Boys did not desire his father, where will it come now from?!”

I nearly choked on my plastic bottle sprite with laughter as the woman went on with her histrionics and the poor girl kept on apologizing. Eventually the conversation became about gay men in Nigeria and how they operate. One woman said “it is a cult o!” That ‘they’ even do initiation, which is why they are all very rich and drive big, big cars. (I thought briefly about my bank balance and the kind of car I drive and resolved that I needed to join this cult, because apparently I missed the memo). Another said it was a demon that possesses them and she’d always warned mothers about the kind of programmes they watch on TV while they are pregnant, that some of these gay demons possess them from TV. (I know my mother’s favorite movie was Lawrence of Arabia, I cannot remember who had the gay demon in that one). They carried on, each one spewing stupidity, until they were tired and moved on to how Buhari would soon turn Nigeria into an Islamic republic.

I shook my head as I returned my headphones to my ears. Khaleesi is right; homophobia is indeed encoded in the Nigerian DNA and further worsened by illiteracy and religion!

*

Recently I was bored and decided to play a prank on some of my friends just to see their reactions. I sent out a broadcast about my traditional wedding invitation with details down to the colours of the day. I selected some blackberry contacts and sent the BC to them. Then I relaxed to watch drama; yes I’m jobless like that.

“Dennis, you are wicked, you are very wicked! So this is how you will tell me you are getting married, eh? Igbo men! You people are heartless!”

This one was from a girl I was flirting with on instagram. We later became BBM friends. I had never asked her out or anything. I wondered what she was on about!

“Lol, but I said it! Did I not say you will still marry? After deceiving people on KD, some of which believe you, now you want to marry! You are a hypocrite!”

This was from a gay man who is my friend.

I kept getting hilarious responses, mostly from gay men who somehow felt like I had let them down, since apparently I was the chairman of the #EternalBachelorsAnonymous. Somebody asked, “Have you told Max?” And I told him that I didn’t want to deal with that crazy bitch just yet, but that he would be a groomsman at the wedding.

It was all so hilarious!

After about48 hours, of course I let everybody know I was joking, and most of them laughingly rained abuses on me.

However, I will like to say that a core component of man’s makeup is the tendency to be flippant; man is never always consistent on issues, things happen and people change. So please, let nothing a man does surprise you in this life abeg.

This isn’t me buttering anybody up for any life-changing announcement o! I am just saying.

*

I now have the complete story with the gentleman from Smile from the entry from two weeks ago. I will tell it next week!

XOXO

DM

Previous Before He Wed His Wife, This Groom Cuddled Hard With His Best Man
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  1. Mandy
    December 09, 04:40 Reply

    That onu gbajie boys bit is indeed hilarious. Imagine the woman’s paranoia sha, to pounce straight on the issue of ‘homosexualism’. Chukwuya amam kwe indeed. Hahahahaa. ‘Boys did not desire his father, where will it come now from…’ Madam, do you even know what your husband is up to, who has not only admired him but could have gotten into his pants as well? Mscheewwww. Stewpid!

    • Dennis Macaulay
      December 09, 06:39 Reply

      My dear eh, the bus episode was so hilarious that I nearly died. Then again who knows, her husband might be giving it to some dude as we speak. The way she reacted, I thought there was something overly defensive about it like there is a story there or maybe she is just being paranoid.

      • Terra
        December 09, 12:06 Reply

        All I know is that please, whenever they’re doing initiation, someone should let a brother know. I need a lot of money and big cars abeg

  2. Chuck
    December 09, 05:54 Reply

    Homophobia is a result of poverty, religion and miseducation. Not everyone who goes to school “understands” how to reason

    • Dennis Macaulay
      December 09, 06:41 Reply

      I actually agree with you somewhat. I have also realised that Nigerians who were educated abroad, or who lived abroad or who travel often are sometimes sort of more tolerant and open minded.

    • Brian Collins
      December 09, 09:58 Reply

      What makes you different from those women in the bus? and to think that Dennis had to agree. Shame on you? @ as a result of poverty….. So all rich people love gay people okwaya?
      Dennis I can tell you that two of my relatives abroad who are very educated are openly anti-gay,

      • Chuck
        December 09, 13:44 Reply

        Clearly I reason better than that woman – “his father didn’t attract gays, so he won’t” is a nonsense claim/argument. Miseducation is stronger among the poor – proven by the educational standards in poor districts in the US, and in state schools in Nigeria.

        Your cousins who went abroad: what did they study? Are they religious?

        Think through your comment before coming here with verbal diarrhea.

  3. Mitch
    December 09, 06:47 Reply

    Dennis, shey you know you’re just an akwuna oku. Berra geh your eyes off that young man oh!

    Beht wait oh! That ‘onu gbajie boys’ issue was just too hilarious. Chai! I feel for that poor woman saddled with the burden of foolishness. How does her neck manage to carry that much foolishness on it? Well, let’s pray her idiocy is not genetically passed to her son shaa.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      December 09, 06:50 Reply

      Lol poor woman no wan stories Na! And true true Onu will gbajie boys because her baby is soo pretty and it’s very hard to determine the sex.

  4. Max
    December 09, 07:04 Reply

    “And since that day, he sort of became my friend, always coming around to my house to ask if there was anything I wanted done”

    So you people exchanged numbers on the road eh? Anyway, there’s no need to repeat what you’ve already said, I’m glad you know yourself.

    Khaleesi has always been right, their homophobia is unnerving. I dont even bother educating anyone anymore, I’m tired. Whenever they speak against it, they speak against it with such passion, you can see it in their eyes, no matter the amount of educational qualification they hold.

    Onu gbajie boys ??

    Oh and I wouldn’t have bought the broadcast hoax anyway.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      December 09, 07:06 Reply

      Lol which is why I did not send to you but everybody kept asking if I had told you lol.

      Educate gini? My dear I don’t have that kind of time, believe whatever you want.

  5. ikhines
    December 09, 07:55 Reply

    One step forward last week, three steps back this week. Abeg it’s time to cancel this for something fresh!

    • Max
      December 09, 08:54 Reply

      Another hideous troll lurking in the shadows. Ya’ll should watch out for this one.

    • Mandy
      December 09, 09:33 Reply

      Do u have something fresh, ikhines? No? I didn’t think so.

        • Pink Panther
          December 09, 19:10 Reply

          Maybe you should start by telling him to leave Dennis alone. Bullies don’t get free passes when others come for them, you know.

          • ikhines
            December 09, 19:13 Reply

            Ofcourse you will put your wide mouth! Aunty oponu panther!

      • ikhines
        December 09, 11:05 Reply

        Here comes the defense gang!!! Keep going down and you will eventually find your way!

  6. bruno
    December 09, 07:56 Reply

    maybe if he spent some time honing other actual “skills”, he would have whites and greens to spare.

  7. Colossus
    December 09, 07:58 Reply

    So now you dey buy small small boys for 500naira eekwa? Is that how you are now doing?
    Please I need some odd jobs done around the house, send the guy over, to do the odd jobs of cos.
    Was the baby boy fine? Was he really and truly fine? You know sometimes we pass compliments on to babies just to massage their parents ego. Even when that baby is ugly as fuck. Anyway, fine or not, onu go still gbajie boys.
    Why you no send me the broadcast nah? You know I would have started making travel arrangements sharp sharp. I go bring page boy sef. All I’ll ask is if that six-pack-dimple-having man will be there.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      December 09, 08:05 Reply

      Omg you are all shades of messy!

      Biko I did not buy anybody, out of the my milk of human kindness I met somebody’s need! Aren’t I a good person? Ignore the fact that he is good looking.

      The baby was cute, I guess lol. Onu will still gbajie boys last last.

      Your page boy will be perfect! We will still need him for when JustJames and I get married in Bora Bora

  8. Francis
    December 09, 08:10 Reply

    ??? @ onu gbajie boys. Thank goodness the gist didn’t shift to wiping out gay folks. That one for don spoil the show.

    *sighs* I don encounter some of this your fine carpenter friend for here but the fact say they are always battling one bill or the other, no gree person pursue the matter. I no fit become person cash cow ever again amongst other things.

    Hope say your friend dey preach safe sex well well to the guy as na dem very vulnerable to HIV. ?

    Na so one of my patients dey complain about the insults wey him USAID boss dey always rain on Nigeria as par we too dey embezzle aid money. As I dey tell am say na true and I fear for when they eventually leave us, another patient just put mouth for the gist say we no want same-sex marriage for Nigeria, make dem come dey go if dem no wan help again.

    I just weak at the idiocy of his statement. And na him kind go get serious issues purchasing HIV drugs if the devil has his way.

  9. Absalom
    December 09, 08:32 Reply

    In three weeks we’ll also get an update on the “one white” hoe pseudo-houseboy, won’t we?

  10. Keredim
    December 09, 08:54 Reply

    “Another said it was a demon that possesses them and she’d always warned mothers about the kind of programmes they watch on TV while they are pregnant, that some of these gay demons possess them from TV. (I know my mother’s favorite movie was Lawrence of Arabia, I cannot remember who had the gay demon in that one)….”

    Actually they might be on to something….. In some cuts of the film there is a scene where Peter O’Toole was raped by his male captures?

    • Mandy
      December 09, 09:39 Reply

      Keredim is back! Where have you been since? Out internationally whoring? Chizzie has been enduring to never let the House forget we have a high class call-boy in our midst. 😀

      • Keredim
        December 09, 09:47 Reply

        …aww Mandy you are so kind.. You forgot “ageing, steroid using and BLACK” (i am sure I forgot something. I will soon be reminded)

        If I didn’t know better, I would say, you were baying for a “bloodbath” of sorts…???

        But not today Satan, not today??

        • Dick Advocate
          December 09, 10:25 Reply

          I have come to accept that is what Mandy is about.. Going about quietly and with poise at that, looking for how to ignite blood baths and chaos.

          She needs to be avoided by all means. Shame on her though! how sad her life must be.

          • Bryce
            December 09, 10:38 Reply

            Him,guy.
            Mandy is a he

            • Dick Advocate
              December 09, 11:08 Reply

              Trust me Bryce! I know what am saying.. Some “Gays” are best regarded as She. They compete with women in the drama, IQ department.

              • kacee
                December 09, 17:24 Reply

                are u for real dude!!! smh

          • Max
            December 09, 11:03 Reply

            Mysoginic a-hole who thinks referring to a man as a “she” would somehow make him less than you are. We know all you’re about @Dickhead, cow dung comes to mind.

            • Dick Advocate
              December 09, 11:12 Reply

              Max it’s no secret you are a self acclaimed nuisance and scum on this blog (and maybe in real life)
              So I should take you comments and opinion on my humble self seriously? No! I think not.

              Run away little girl! Go play ‘ten ten’ with your fellow fish brain girls.

              • Max
                December 09, 13:23 Reply

                ???? Your mother would be so proud when she learns of how you constantly desecrate her existence. Since you wriggled out of a fish brain’s p*ssy, it’s no secret why you behave like a mindless orc. Anu mpam.

  11. Dick Advocate
    December 09, 09:48 Reply

    Nice entry DM! Though I think you are begining to take critics opinion on how you write and the things you write. Hence your rants are now more prone to boredom.

    • Somebody
      December 09, 12:31 Reply

      Damned if you do and damned if you don’t

  12. Arya Stark
    December 09, 09:52 Reply

    Uncle Denis!!!!! Me I have pleny, plenty kweshions oh! Will you ansaaaa?????
    E be like say you leg sabi waka where you meet all this fine fine cuties….first the Smile kiddo, xup with him? The this one and the unmentioned ones……anyways how did that story end, the one u were given a special assignment that ur boss insisted thet you had ti doo, and u got there u met the man dressed in Alexanrda Mc Queen.

  13. pete
    December 09, 09:54 Reply

    DM, the type of discussions people have on public buses defies rational reasoning & I heard a lot shuffling between Aba & PH for that program.
    Em em, what’s the level of education of the handsome dude cum jack of all trade cos in one of your previous rants, you said you can’t have anything to do with people without higher education?

    • Dennis Macaulay
      December 09, 10:09 Reply

      Erm I think he has O’levels!

      I haven’t said I am doing anything Na, I just tori out load

  14. Duke
    December 09, 10:02 Reply

    First, don’t stay celibate for too long. You may miss wonderful sexual experiences or become almost nymphomaniac in the end. Trust me, I know. But I totally feel you, if you want to remain an helper, stay that way, don’t ruin it with sex. ( That dimpled ass though, I just imagined him wet, with his boxers drenched and exposing the top of his dimpled buttcrack). Dennis, the lord is with you on this journey of celibacy. It is indeed not an easy road.

    Two, what the actual fuck! I am amused and equally nauseated by the bus story. Is there hope? Is that 50 years later joke of acceptance we talk about even going to happen? Ar we sure it is not going to be a 100 years? Cos the ignorance in Nigeria is too much

    Three, I will not be surprised if you decided to get married. One of the gayest people I knew at one time is married with a child. He was an advocate and shii. Do you. Na your life finally.

    • Delle
      December 09, 12:06 Reply

      Hello Duke,
      The word ‘Nymphomaniac’ is used on women only. Bye

      • Duke
        December 09, 18:26 Reply

        I guess I should have used a quotation mark around the word. I suck at
        being sarcastic. My bad.

  15. Brian Collins
    December 09, 10:15 Reply

    Remember how I told you that I will go and find the ogbanje that wants to lead you to evil and I think I may have. And if he truly is the same twink I saw, you really are on to something. The boy is fynnnnnnnnnnnnne. He kinda has a fro hair cut.

    As for the dude who cleans house, the suck guy in my life is my generator engineer. The guy is fine as fuck and is a real nice guy. I have had a crush on him since the first day I saw him about 7 years ago. He calls me even when I’m in school to check up on me and even wants me to visit him whenever I am around. I don’t really know his deal, me I have been running away from him o. I cannot comman enta trouble that I won’t be able to explain.

  16. Khaleesi
    December 09, 10:17 Reply

    Nice piece Dennis!! Please do not take advantage of that helpless young man, if of his own volition he comes for you and you like him then by all means – have fun!
    ****takes a bow*** am glad you and your optimist gang are now seeing what i v been saying that homophobia is an inseparable part of the average Nigerian’s DNA reinforced by false religion and very poor and mind numbing education!!
    And ,… How can you play the marriage prank on pple nau? That’s so mean! Don’t you know that many pple on here look up to you for inspiration, as chairman of #TeamEternalBachelors, the day you venture to get married, there’ll be a massive revolt and backlash against you ….
    Nice piece … Muah!!

  17. Chizzie
    December 09, 10:36 Reply

    I’m glad some people are back from what ever nursing home they checked themselves into. As regards the post; Its made up delusional crap as usual. But I’m getting bored picking on the chicken legged author, sooo hello Keredim, how is the public toilet life of yours? Have you felt the need to embarrass yourself and your age group by creating an entire post in your Sahara desert of a blog, off the comments of someone who hurt your feelings?

    If you ever do, please be kind enough to send me a link this time.

    And never be afraid of commenting here again e hear? Its not like I’m going to kill you or anything. ?

    • #FlyOnTheWall
      December 09, 10:48 Reply

      I was hoping you weren’t gonna show up but you did. Wait you called the author chicken legs? Hahahahahahahahaah hello mirror!

      Lol! Those who live in glass houses do not throw stones! Someone here aptly described you as having the face of a pig with the body of a freshly plucked turkey, which I think is very fitting.

      I mean look at your big nose and compare it to the snout of a pig? You get my point now right?

      We are tired of your Wednesday attention seeking antics! You have a series now, which is what you wanted all along so go work on it so that it doesn’t die like your blog did.

      These men largely ignore you like you don’t exist yet you will not respect your ugly self and leave them alone. Everyday abusing people who don’t care if you exist! Is jesus not enough for you?

      • Chizzie
        December 09, 11:19 Reply

        Notice how you only make an appearance whenever my comment is involved more so on this post, which once again alludes to my relevance in ur life.

        I don’t get why you constantly need to make a fool of yourself over a repulsive looking man with brown teeth, fragile legs, and a bold patch of a head, there are better reasons to be foolish.

        So how about you do what you do best, which is stalk my twitter profile and keep verbatim notes of my tweets. Also would you be kind enough to tell me what I tweeted abt in 2013? As I seem to have forgotten.

        And what would make for more fun is if you had the liver to actually mention me on Twitter, and stop being, like an old harlot would say, a troll

        • Nightwing
          December 09, 13:50 Reply

          Weak comeback, *crickets chirping* more fire *Samuel Cowell imitation*

      • Dick Advocate
        December 09, 11:23 Reply

        FlyOffTheWall
        I have seen you time after time, take on people on this blog largely because you are opportuned to know this people outside the blog. May I ask? Your life so perfect? no blemish in your life or on your body? No? I get the need to try to defend the undefended but must you sound so condensing and revealing in the process?
        Anyways just so you know there is a bull eye set on your back already. Just thought to let you know.
        Have a good one.

        • ikhines
          December 09, 11:32 Reply

          Lol! What’s his name’s preeq must be so sweet. The way this fly and his other defense gang defend him is hilarious! How I wish they all merge into one instead of coming up in litle bits.

        • Chizzie
          December 09, 11:35 Reply

          What I don’t even get is this freshly plucked turkey reference that is the reigning thing in vogue, it comes across as primary school-ish, and I think Sinnex used it first in a feeble attempt to diss me. Which says a lot about people who use it.

          Here’s a few notes for wannabe bitches like flyonthewall here, if you want to be shady, stick to facts.. Saying someone has turkey plucked skin is amateurish and inaccurate as opposed to reminding someone that they have large protruding teeth which tend to be brown and as such should stop smiling in pictures and real life, and stop giving ppl the impression weekly in a post riddled with imaginary figments, that they are attractive

          • Dick Advocate
            December 09, 13:00 Reply

            I mean am not the type to dwell on looks and shit but DM REALLY is ugly. For someone that tends to portray himself as most sort after and tends to ridicule other people’s looks because he mistakes his Akpan looks for being fit, trim and prim, i really was disappointed.
            But the dude is a fun dude generally. So… I’ll cut him some slack.

            • Theo
              December 09, 19:10 Reply

              ‘Sort after’ bawo? Haba! Uncle Dick, its SOUGHT not sort. And puhlease don’t call it a typo. Ywc

      • Brian Collins
        December 09, 14:12 Reply

        Ehn, wait o. I have heard about the piggy nose and the fat ass and belly and what not, but this one I haven’t heard about. Chizzie has a corpse of a blog?

  18. Delle
    December 09, 11:29 Reply

    I wish I were in that bus with the woman. I would continuously sing to the baby how ‘beautiful and sexy’ I think he is. What kinda fear is that? She’s the one possessed with a demon obviously. After all, being confidently foolish is also demonic, didn’t she know that? It’s those kinds of women that always smell of crayfish and freshly ploughed farmland. But DM, u shouldn’t have been so mute. At least chip in a few things and still not scream ‘I am one of them.’ I feel we should start speaking up about these things, clearly the homophobic ones are still pungently hating and ignorantly so. Maybe we should organise symposiums and distribute flyers that have short notes on homosexuality to those in villages! We have no demons ooo!!!

    That marriage bit though. DM please keep giving us, ‘marriage fearers’, the courage to fight the impending battle of marriage tantrums when our turns come. Hehehe.

  19. #FlyOnTheWall
    December 09, 11:46 Reply

    Lol
    Hahahahahahahahaah

    Did I hit a nerve little miss Piggy? Eya life is tough!

    We know how much you hate your life and how much it sucks but I mean it’s not the end of the world. Please don’t also kill yourself on account of these men because you will also create another problem of where to bury you which will be a lot of space judging by that your belly.

    Low self esteem can be a bitch sorry! We also know how much you hate your nose which is why people constantly refer to you as a pig! That can be fixed just that you are too broke to afford it.

    How about you set up a gofundme account to raise money for your nose job? Some of us will contribute because I am sure it will improve your self esteem and make you a nicer person and ultimately make this blog a safer community!

    Your life sucks we know, but don’t kill yourself ejoo! The sun will shine again!

    Try exercise, it will improve your mood and also make you look less like a freshly plucked turkey!

    • Somebody
      December 09, 12:42 Reply

      “Please don’t also kill yourself on account of these men because you will also create another problem of where to bury you which will be a lot of space judging by that your belly” *faints* Lmao ? .. That was some serious shade right there..

      • Nightwing
        December 09, 13:53 Reply

        As in the *shade* yoruba name of it all. ?

  20. Dennis Macaulay
    December 09, 13:07 Reply

    Hahahahahahahahaah

    Abeg let me have a very good laugh!

    I am

    Ugly

    Poor

    A liar

    Chicken legged

    Big headed

    Akpan-y

    Skinny?

    Lol! Chai! Obsession!

    *smh*

    • Dick Advocate
      December 09, 13:24 Reply

      It’s delusional to think people stating facts about you which you don’t seem to reveal in your rants and comments.. are obsessed with you. Very delusional.
      But what do I know…

      **sips tea**

    • Francis
      December 09, 14:14 Reply

      Nna eh, no be small obsession. At this rate na to dey vigilant around pupil wey dey carry plastic bottle. Make person no spray you acid one day.

    • Chizzie
      December 09, 14:31 Reply

      People stating fact about your aesthetic is not an obsession. If I say the sky is blue does that make me obsessed with it? Stop trying to use such phrases in an attempt to do damage control when you’ve been clocked for looking repugnant

  21. Dickson Clement
    December 09, 13:08 Reply

    Onu gbajie boys indeed! this is the most hilarious entry of the week. See the reason why I hate starting up conversations with random pple, it can go in the worst direction!! 2) If 500# can get a hot stud to run errands , imagine what 50,000 can do??

  22. BRYANNNN
    December 09, 13:22 Reply

    spewing stupidity……………Dat really got me….

  23. Chizzie
    December 09, 13:50 Reply

    So I think I’m going to stop commenting here nd go like on an hiatus cause someone I really care reads this blog and has finally figured out I am Chizzie.

    So ehm. Good bye everyone.

    • Max
      December 09, 15:01 Reply

      Let’s see how long that’s gonna last ????.. You care about someone?? ?????? #Shocker

  24. Nightwing
    December 09, 14:02 Reply

    No!! *echos* I want more… ?????????????????????????

  25. #FlyOnTheWall
    December 09, 14:02 Reply

    Awwww don’t go! Mstchew

    Yeye dey smell!

    Your life sucks and you want to spread your venom to everybody. You started with trystham, then James now it’s Keredim and DM! When you you get tired of being an attention whore?

    Talking about James, remember when you used to zing him for wanting to be a vet? That he won’t find a job? Lol well hello mirror! You have studied whatever “dignified” course it is that you studied and after Nysc you have been sitting at home begging Lagos boys for airtime to buy data!

    Karma is a bitch darling! A mean bitter bitch!

    Anyway I am serious about the gofundme account, a new nose will leave you looking less than a pig and generally make you happier!

    • Chizzie
      December 09, 14:07 Reply

      Abeg someone should carry this aunty away. You will not wreck my marriage. You will not ???????

      • #FlyOnTheWall
        December 09, 14:12 Reply

        I thought you had gone? Why did you comment again? Lol

        Bashing DM every Wednesday is the highlight of your boring life! You and I both know you cannot stay away, I mean what else is there to do with your life?

        Honeybobo’s mom has a boyfriend as I read the other day, you will be fine! Some yoruba men eat pork!

        • Brian Collins
          December 09, 14:22 Reply

          Hahahahaha hahahahaha hahahahaha. Fly the devil himself is waiting for you in Hell!!!! And to think that Honeybooboo has a pet piggy. I jes died.

        • Chizzie
          December 09, 14:27 Reply

          You know the thing about pork is that its really delicious and soft and such high quality beef. It’s also not readily available here and most Nigerians can’t afford it, also it’s the main source of protein in affluent countries. ?So maybe you might want to come up with another made up nonsense to score shade points.

          Continue to show me how relevant I am to your very existence on this platform. And im again flattered that you know about my blog, clearly you’ve been a fan since 2012.

          You deserve a cookie. Keep up the good troll work, as I can see your life is so full of excitement and activity

          • Francis
            December 09, 14:34 Reply

            Just the other day my friend was asking me how far with your blog sef. say you just abandon the thing sha. We used to look forward to Diary of A Whore which you hurriedly ended for some reason 🙁

            • Chizzie
              December 09, 15:08 Reply

              Gurrrl. I got so tired and lazy.

          • #FlyOnTheWall
            December 09, 15:12 Reply

            Lol auntie piggie are you not on hiatus? Why are you replying comments? Go on hiatus Na! Like we care!

            Sweetheart don’t be hard on yourself, your snort will not stop you from getting a job especially seeing as being a mistress maybe hard considering your freshly plucked turkey asthetics!

            Let’s see how long your hiatus will be! You live for this drama on Wednesdays and it’s so pathetic because these men do not think that you matter enough to respond personally to you.

            Take a good look at yourself in a mirror before you think you can shade anyone based on looks! But then again the mirror will break sef so that may not be a good idea.

            Go and buy a new bleaching cream and be happy…….if you can afford it that is!

            • Chizzie
              December 09, 15:25 Reply

              Eyah calm down and let it rest already, you’re going for over kill here and its becoming really dry and sad. Plus you just sound really angry, I mean gurl its not that serious

              I will say you are right about one thing, I do live for the drama and I have loads of minions like yourself that entertain me just like you are doing so perfectly.

              And abt the hiatus, I know if I go people like you will pull a Ronnie Phoenix. And the hubby has just said it doesn’t change anything, giving me carte blanche to continue to be the bitch that I am here.

              Oyah hurry up and reply me. Let’s keep this going

          • #FlyOnTheWall
            December 09, 15:14 Reply

            Auntie pork is beef? I always like when the real you slips out and rears it head!

            Pork is high quality beef?

            Edakun oooo! Let me not choke on my fayrouz!

            • Nightwing
              December 09, 15:25 Reply

              FlyOnTheWall? More like BeeOnTheWall niggi be stinging. *chants prayer* please don’t choke please don’t choke let the stinging continue. Here’s your newly shined stinger.?.

            • Chizzie
              December 09, 15:34 Reply

              My bad, meat. Sorry I had a flyonthewall moment, you know the one where England isn’t part of Britain. I guess this is what happens when you indulge flies, you begin to think like them.

  26. Nightwing
    December 09, 14:07 Reply

    *Mocheda diva molenu gan* ring any ? bells? #JustSaying.

  27. Nightwing
    December 09, 14:56 Reply

    This afternoon is perfect for shade, as in please throw more abeg some people are burning things up, I hear it’s pork ? *snort, excuse me* manners much?, less concerned, but it so hot and the shade of it all #LatriceRoyale is what I need. #FlameOn. ??

  28. #FlyOnTheWall
    December 09, 15:58 Reply

    Did I not say it? Hiatus my butt! Miss piggie cannot stay away from this journal! It is the highlight of your day.

    This imaginary boo just found out you are chizzie? Hahahahahahahahaah what a stupid lie. You take everything that happens here to your twitter, everybody that has come across your account on twitter knows you are chizzie! That lie will not fly darling!

    See let me give you some wise counsel, devote your energy to becoming useful to society because currently you are practically of no use. You are the one who says black Americans are useless? Oya what use are you?

    Like I said honeybubu’s mom has a boyfriend so you will be fine but if all fails we will raise money to fix your nose and throw in some liposuction!

    It will take the weight off your shoulders!

    • Chizzie
      December 09, 16:20 Reply

      Ok wait you just lost me when you said I had an imaginary boo. And you said it with so much conviction. Lol wawu. You really believe in the bullshit you concoct.
      Virtually everything you are using to throw at me in a desperate bid for jabs is made up stuff. And you actually believe it.

      All this anger over me is making you go senile. Is this really about that imp called Dennis or is my notoriety just too much for u to handle?

      You’re coming across as really hurt and sad, Pele. Keep giving yourself sleepless nights over the ongoings of Chizzie ‘s life. You will be fine. ?

      • #FlyOnTheWall
        December 09, 16:57 Reply

        Really hurt and sad? Lol yet you are the one who won’t let other people be even when they don’t care about you.

        I know being jobless and sitting home all day waiting for a man to send you money for bleaching cream must really be a tough life to live. It will get better okay?

        I knew your hiatus was a hoax, you cannot do without Bashing these men, it’s the only way your life makes any sense!

        Ms piggie your snout isn’t so bad, just try to ignore it. Thats what I do when I hate something, I pretend it’s not there. Just pretend you don’t have a prominent snout and pretend you are one dashing fellow and some sunlight will come into your life.

        I have to go now, it’s a long ride to the mainland. Just accept yourself and overcome your insecurities. I mean if you die now who will bash Dennis and Keredim? Plus the land that will be wasted on your large frame!

        Think of these things and always remember that those who live in glass houses do not throw pebbles!

        Toodles

        • Chizzie
          December 09, 17:14 Reply

          Same time next week? ?. And what theme would you be going for this time? Hopefully not more miss piggy, pork and fat jabs, as they are wearing thin. And maybe a different closing argument this time around as the glass house epistle was used two weeks ago. A week should be enough time to come up with new material plus I should tweet enough stuff for you to go by, so keep your eyes glued on my TL, take several notes and see u next week. ?

          • Somebody
            December 09, 17:52 Reply

            …and to Felicia #FlyonTheWall said “Bye!!

        • Stranger
          December 09, 19:41 Reply

          Dude, you’re obsessed with this chizzie guy and you don’t even know it.

          • Mandy
            December 09, 19:48 Reply

            Obsessions are a norm around here, stranger. You know, Chizzie’s obsession with Dennis, Chizzie’s obsession with Keredim. Get with the program.

  29. Mandy
    December 09, 17:18 Reply

    DearGodOfMercy! Someone was waiting for Chizzie today. Hahahahahaaa. FlyOnTheWall for President!

  30. Dickson Clement
    December 09, 17:29 Reply

    Sometimes I wonder if schools give students real value for the cash they pay? In character and in learning!!! Well the Drama here can boast of an AMVCA if acted out. I do hope someone can learn how to ignore and endure because the more you say, the more common you’ll become. Being cheap is not always in cash values!!!

  31. kacee
    December 09, 17:50 Reply

    my throat hahahahahahahahahah

  32. sensei
    December 09, 18:12 Reply

    Hilarious post!
    And for the comments, I jest Kent!

  33. ikhines
    December 09, 19:20 Reply

    Apparently the stupid PP or whatever it’s called is not deleting comments today? Rat chop your finger! Thunder fire you if yon no delete comment today!

    • Pink Panther
      December 09, 19:28 Reply

      Thank you, ikhines.
      Thank you very much. You just gave me the push I needed. Thanks. 😀

    • Delle
      December 09, 19:39 Reply

      And seriously, ur beef is with Pink too? U don’t say…

      • ikhines
        December 09, 19:50 Reply

        You wan make I swear for you join? Lol!

  34. Nightwing
    December 09, 20:02 Reply

    Sigh* Today was fun let’s do this again soon. The shade the shade *sips absolute cocktail* while watching Kito diaries untucked. ??

    • Delle
      December 09, 21:16 Reply

      Lmao! Just how evil can one person be? 5 Gs puhleez; Good God, Get a Grip Gurl!

  35. ambivalentone
    December 09, 21:13 Reply

    Dennis Macaulay’s life drama never fails to make this place a battlefield of sorts. Makes for an interesting read- the comments that follow actually. Dear ‘fly-on-the-wall’, one man batallion, I sniggered away half d evening. Nightwing and Somebody (whoever u are) God will judge u ooo. God will judge.

  36. Diablo
    December 09, 22:13 Reply

    Wow wow wow wow. I had to comment on this one. Chizzie, and I say this with love, you really do not have to reply to everyone, sometimes just ignore, especially when you know they are out to start something. I know you say you live for drama and I believe that, but choose your battles. Some people aren’t worth the drama.

  37. Brian Collins
    December 09, 23:27 Reply

    So the baddest beeotch got a serious beat down today. Flyonthewall, you should really cherish this victory.
    Nightwing was thoroughly amused
    Ikhines was thoroughly stupid as always
    And this one ehn ‘Chizzie, and I say this with love,’ is just telling me many things.
    Bia Chizzie o, did you realize a certain booboo is the devil himself?

  38. Itz_Mztur JOJOARMANI
    December 09, 23:54 Reply

    OMG! Someone was so so waiting for chizzie! like for how long?

    Unlike we folks that just come here and reply to interesting post, there are people who knows themselves; that was meant to give them room to groove around here but its the other way round! shame y’all !

  39. Thatcher
    December 11, 23:44 Reply

    The Shade on this blog run 😂😂😂😂😂😂
    Y’all planned for Chizzie this week. And where’s Posh to see this?
    Whatever happened to Ronnie?

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