“But I’m Straight…” He Said

“But I’m Straight…” He Said

“Could you tell it was my first time?” His tone was more about him reassuring himself than actually expecting feedback.

“You were quite the natural, I must say,” I answered. This was nothing close to the truth, but I didn’t want to deal with an explanation. I just wanted to get out and go home.

And how did I find myself in this situation? you ask.

Well, it began several days ago when I was in my local movie shop to get the latest season of Survivor: Winners at War. While I was in there, I saw a poster advertising Wi-Fi installation. I took out my phone and saved the number on the poster; a few weeks before then, my dad had suggested our house getting Wi-Fi installed, and after missing a bunch of Netflix parties with my friends due to data issues, I thought it was about damn time.

The next day, around midday, I called the number, and a guy answered. Soon, we were talking about the business of getting Wi-Fi installed at my house. As we talked, I couldn’t help the excitement I felt from listening to his raspy voice; it was such a turn-on. He asked if I could send him photos of the electrical cables that were closest to our home on WhatsApp so he could know whether or not the Wi-Fi company’s cables were close by. I said I could and proceeded to do just that.

Looking at his WhatsApp profile photo, I realized that I had actually met the guy before, at a place I was working at. Probably the reason I could remember this was because I’d found him attractive when we met. He wasn’t a strikingly good looking guy, but he had the right amount of good looks; I’d give him a solid 7.9 out of 10.

As we chatted, I told him I remembered meeting him before and where our meet happened. He responded warmly, saying he actually remembered me too – for a reason I will share soon enough.

He introduced himself as Moses (not his real name, of course), and I told him my name.

A day later, he hit me up on WhatsApp, and our conversation went like this:

Moses: Hey, I figured, since we live in the same neighborhood, we should get to know each other.

Me: That’s cool. I’m down with that.

Moses: So what kinds of stuff are you into?

Me:  Uhm…honestly, I’m kinda boring. I just like watching movies and staying indoors.

Moses: Damn it! Now I can’t invite you to my place. I just took out my laptop for repair. So, I’m stuck with just blasting music. What kind of music do you like?

Me: I’m not specific on genres. I just like music that makes me feel good.

 

At this point, I had started to wonder where this conversation was headed.

 

Moses: Do you drink?

Me: Nah, I don’t. Unless you consider cocktails and Smirnoff as drinks, then yes, I do.

Moses: (laughing emojis) We should have a two-person party.

 

Okay. Now, this conversation was looking very promising.

 

Me: Alright. I’m not that big on strangers anyways.

Moses: Let’s have a virtual drinking game, and assuming someone loses, then it’s truth or dare?

Me: Dare. Let’s get that adrenaline pumping.

Moses: Suppose I go first and lose, what would you have me do?

Me: Anything?

Moses: Ha-ha, yes, anything.

Me: Would you strip?

Moses: Hell yeah, I would. You sound really fun already.

Me: Your turn.

Moses: If you lose, you bend over and I’ll spank you.

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he remembered me from our meet: My Ass.

 

Me: Okay, consider it done. And if you lose again, you gotta smell my draws.

Moses: Before I commit, how do they smell? Ha-ha.

Me: They smell nice, kinda musty, but good musty.

Moses: I’ll do it. If you lose, I’ll have you jerk off.

 

At this point, it was very clear where we were headed. Even then though, I wanted him to take the lead. I didn’t want this to be turned around on me getting blamed for “starting it” when the self-righteousness kicks in. It usually does a few hours after they cum. This wasn’t my first rodeo.

 

Moses: Could you send me a sexy picture of you.

 

I knew what “sexy” was code for, but I sent him one where I had boxer shorts on. This was me inserting a leg into the river to know how deep it runs.

 

Moses: I really like it. But could you send a sexier one, maybe without the boxers on.

 

Well, well, well…

 

Two hours later, I was getting off a motorbike before his estate gate, and there he was, waiting on me. Without much conversation, he led me inside. When we got to his place, it was to see that it was a typical bachelor’s pad: a bed, a kitchen area, clothes hanging on the wall, and a bathroom which doubled as the toilet. Given that there were no seats, I sat on the bed as I got out of my jacket and Bennie hat in an attempt to get more comfortable.

“Would you like anything?” he asked.

“Water is fine,” I responded.

“Actually, that’s all that is available,” he said with a smile.

Then, why would you ask me if I wanted anything if you don’t have options? I thought, a bit annoyed. You could have just asked if you can offer me water.

He had some clothes in a basin; he’d probably planned to do laundry. After putting that away, he joined me on the bed.

“Please feel comfortable,” he said while signaling for me to get closer to where he was.

He took a joint that was at the table, lit it up and started puffing. He offered it to me and I shook my head in refusal. I had never had weed and I was not trying to embarrass myself here. He took another puff, held it in, drew me to him, placed his lips on mine released the smoke into my mouth. I knew that was too little to have any effect on me, so I didn’t mind at all.

From there, he went straight to kissing me, devouring my lips like there was a price to be won for it. I kissed him just as fiercely back. And before long, we were both naked and soon enough, my dick was in his mouth. Earlier, during our chats, he’d mentioned that he’d never been with a guy before. But as he sucked my dick, I couldn’t help but wonder how true that was. For someone who had never been with a guy before, he sure knew how to suck dick. It was not the best fellatio, but the bar of my expectation was really not that high to begin with.

After a few minutes of some more making out, he pulled out a condom. In our conversation, there’d been no mention of sex. I’d perceived that we would just hang out, make out and jerk off. But Moses clearly had grander plans. I had prepared nonetheless, in the slight chance things got this far.

“Kindly turn and lie of your stomach,” he said. “That way, I’ll get a full experience of your beautiful ass.”

I obliged. He was clearly very smitten by my ass. He lubed me up, and soon, he was on top of me, trying to get his dick inside me.

But that was an epic fail. It’s somewhat hilarious thinking back on that. He never realized that the whole time he was fucking me, not even once was his dick inside me. Probably because I have such a big ass, sliding his dick in between the cheeks felt to him like he was inside. I don’t know. Or maybe he was right, and this was his first time with a guy, and so, he didn’t know what the inside of male-pussy feels like.

A few “strokes” in, and he was already dripping sweat; I had never seen someone sweat so much in my life. He soon climaxed, and after spasming for some moments, he collapsed on the bed beside me.

“That ass was amazing,” he said in between gasps, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at his comment.

I jerked off while caressing his ass, and then we showered, dressed up and went back to sitting on the bed.

“You know I’m not gay, right?” he suddenly said.

Well, that didn’t take very long, I thought with an inner eye-roll. Outwardly, I simply nodded. I knew what he was doing. He simply had to rationalize what had just happened between us.

“I’m not gay,” he reiterated, “but with you, it’s different. I mean, when I asked you about the job application process that time we met at your office, you gave me the information with no hesitation. I perceived you to be a nice person, and that’s why I got attracted to you. I like nice people, you know…”

I did not care. He was going on and on, and I didn’t hear half of what he was saying. I’d zoned out. I was probably thinking about what I’d have for dinner or when he would stop talking so I could leave. It was getting late.

“I actually have two girlfriends, one that I really like and one that really likes me. One really spoils me; anything I want, I get from her, then I just give her good sex.”

Wait, hollup! Boy, if that’s what you call good sex, then the word “good” has completely lost its meaning, I thought.

“But I’m straight,” he was still talking, “and I love my bitches. I hope you don’t get any wrong impression of what just happened. You know, this is life and I’m free spirited and I wanted to know how this feels like and check it off my bucket list.”

As he was going on and on, trying to convince himself that he was truly straight, my mom called. I was so happy that I pressed the answer button a microsecond after my ringtone began sounding off. The conversation was brief and had nothing to do with me coming back home, but I seized it as a chance to escape from this uncomfortable situation. After I hung up, I knew this was my chance at freedom and I told him I had to leave. He offered to see me off, but I could already see how that could turn into more stories about how he loves fucking girls. So I declined.

And as soon as I walked out of that door, I heaved a sigh as I said, “Never again.”

Written by Kieha

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  1. Mitch
    November 22, 08:59 Reply

    The moment the mental gymnastics started, I just got tired! 😂😂😂😂😂😂

  2. Mandy
    November 22, 09:07 Reply

    😂😂😂😂 What did I just read?
    Oxford did not define fornication for nonsense like this to happen.

  3. Net
    November 22, 09:11 Reply

    You watch survivor? That’s dope😁😁 it’s hard to see any Nigerian that watches the show

    • Kieha
      November 22, 11:32 Reply

      I do…Love it!!!..Natalie my fave..I cant wait for season 41
      Who’s your favorite player?

      • Net
        November 29, 17:06 Reply

        Hehe Natalie is an all rounder, but I was happy Tony won cos he played one hell of a game. You should check out the Challenge. Natalie is coming on there as a rookie, it’s another show I really love.

  4. Gicheru
    November 22, 12:14 Reply

    Such a good read Kieha never disappoints!! Had a good laugh too. The definition of good has changed lol 😂

  5. Francis
    November 22, 17:05 Reply

    Last last MSMs exist. I wonder what will go through his mind the day he actually lands inside ass for real 🤣🤣

    • Kieha
      November 22, 20:01 Reply

      Considering how much he sweats…he actually could faint😂😂…but that’s a story I will not have to tell.

  6. Black Dynasty
    November 22, 17:45 Reply

    ““You know I’m not gay, right?” he suddenly said.” I caught myself doing a very deep eye roll when i got to this point.

    “I actually have two girlfriends, one that I really like and one that really likes me. One really spoils me; anything I want, I get from her, then I just give her good sex.”
    😄 that was funny, definitely been here before and smh yea it definitely was the last time too.

    Nicely written 👌🏾

    • Kieha
      November 22, 20:02 Reply

      Ikr…bloody heterosexuals😂

      Thankyou for the compliment🤓

  7. Kieha
    November 22, 20:03 Reply

    Ikr…bloody heterosexuals😂

    Thankyou for the compliment🤓

  8. Jo
    November 23, 00:37 Reply

    “You know I am not gay right?”
    daaah after right having sex with you why would you think I would assume such…
    It’s the proving of how straight he is for me..” you know I have two girlfriends”

    loved reading it.

  9. Bleh
    November 23, 20:46 Reply

    I personally think we should go easier on people still struggling with their sexual orientation even if it can be understandably tedious

  10. chubbylover
    November 23, 21:47 Reply

    Nice read……I hope you didn’t give up on him a bit too soon.

  11. C.K
    November 24, 04:54 Reply

    OMG….Wow. Wow. WOW.
    I couldn’t stop laughing 😂😂
    I live for your attitude! You’re good!

  12. LEMI
    November 24, 10:46 Reply

    I have experienced the same.
    the piece is hilarious !

  13. Blesteire
    November 26, 13:39 Reply

    Totally related to this read. cis gender men are always trying to pin it on us.

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