Carl’s Existentialism VI

Carl’s Existentialism VI

Is it crazy that some of my favorite poems are about death and finding solitude? Maybe it is because I’m not overly exposed to a wide variety of poetry. Or it’s because there is something about loneliness that attracts me. Perhaps, it is the safety and comfort it offers, with the satisfaction that no one can hurt me in my bubble. Or maybe it’s my sheer curiosity, born out of nothingness.

Two of my favorite poems right now are I Am! by John Clare and Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep by Mary Elizabeth Frye.

From I Am!, my favorite part is:

I long for scenes where man hath never trod

A place where woman never smiled or wept

There to abide with my Creator, God,

And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,

Untroubling and untroubled where I lie

The grass below—above the vaulted sky

Don’t you just feel it? The need to not only exist in peace, but also with peace itself… Walking, not only hand in hand, but leading peace itself on a journey. That’s how I see it anyway, but then I also realize that based on what I think, that kind of world might be boring, even dreadful.

However, I ask you all: How can we know a world without a balance or an almost balance of two opposites such as chaos and peace will be bad, when we only have knowledge of this kind of world?

I guess I can see the need for people to end their suffering, so as to go to places where they can exist in peace and with peace with their creator, God. The audacity of the title is what strikes the most chords within me. I imagine it as black people breaking away from the oppression of the whites, because ‘I Am’;

As a woman being regarded as the equal of man, and not required to subtly serve because ‘I Am’;

As an LGBT person being accorded the necessary rights, not because it is a privilege, but because ‘I Am’;

And as a basic human right or simply for my necessity to be happy in the world we all inhabit because ‘I Am!’

My one hope now is that we can all find our happy places, as I’m hoping John Clare did. I certainly hope I find mine.

With Ms. Frye, the whole poem was just magnifique! Permit me to use that word because I think ‘magnificent’ does not do it enough justice. The dramatics of the French pronunciation is just exact. She writes:

Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die.

I certainly don’t think I want people weeping for me when I pass. I have spent the better part of two decades on earth mostly miserable. I should hope that people not make it about them, but rejoice for my going to a better place, possibly to be with my creator, God. I implore you guys to go read these poems in their entirety, not to make you sad, but I suppose to appreciate life itself, and the delicateness of it. Let me be not overly sappy.


Ariana Grande is my muse this week. She and I share a special ideal – Feminism. I don’t know where hers is born from, but mine is very personal. Basically, I think I’ve had my share of seeing women oppressed, directly or indirectly, mentally or physically etc. CLICK HERE to open a mini article she wrote, after she got tired of people associating her with Big Sean in a possessive way after their break up.

I don’t feel like there is any more I should add because then, it’d just be repetition. But a couple thoughts/questions I have. Why should a woman be regarded as any less than a man? I know people ask this question a lot, but it’s just something I can’t wrap my head around. Many people arguing against this question would even bring the bible into it. Even then, I’m not convinced.

Let’s think of it as a court of law. What valid responses would we present?

Another thing I’m thinking is the vanity of men to punish women for their own misbehavior. I vaguely recall a discussion I had about women in the Middle East and how they are to wear their hijab and cover themselves wholly, so as not to incite sexual stimulations in the men. Really? That is the height of it. The sheer chauvinism. By this standard, when good-looking men strut around with their well-built bodies on display, should they not also be held accountable for the stirrings women (and gay men) get from sighting them?

This road to equality on all fronts is sure a long one, it would seem.


Seduction is very beautiful. You’ve met someone in a bar, and you’re talking about things that are on a different plane than from what most people would understand, and you’re both feeling things for each other, clearly wanting to get it on, but delaying the inevitable and savoring the tension with subtle games.


A couple of episodes of Penny Dreadful ago, Miss Ives and Mr. Grey were playing the intense art of seductive flirting, and my oh my, that was a scene to behold. It went something like this. Vanessa was back at Dorian’s mansion, and was in the room of paintings. The she made a comment about how the paintings looking down at her were unnerving. Then Dorian asked what music she would like to listen to, and this led to a brief dialogue about their personalities. Then Vanessa put on the music. She walked toward a corner, and Dorian came up behind her. They continued talking. The conversation led to Dorian asking if he could lick her neck, and she said (BEHOLD my favorite part): “Don’t ask permission. If you want to do a thing, do it because it is your desire. Not my allowance. You must risk rejection.”

Yo! If my crush tells me that, then I’m ravishing him faster than Superman can throw a punch at the bad guy.

One last thought… And this might be a spoiler if you are trying to catch up on the show. How on earth could Victor have sex with Lily? Are we now shattering the barrier of sexual relations between the living and undead? Can vampires and humans really get it on? Any vampires in the house to answer this for me…


Lastly, and on the most humble note I can muster, I’d like to extend an olive branch to Diablo, and whomever I gravely offended in the weeks past. I don’t use the word ‘apology’ because that would imply that I didn’t mean what I said. I did, even though it came from someplace else. I simply reacted to the tiredness I felt, like I had no more silence to give. I’m used to being shut down, or trampled on or even calmly battered. I just felt done. That was why I said the things I did. Hopefully, this is something that won’t happen again.

I will now only use emojis to comment. Lol. Unless, it is an engaging topic, which requires words, emojis will be my go-to means of expression. Words have a way of leading you on. They are like a seduction in themselves. This doesn’t mean I don’t value any comment. Just want to err on the side of caution.

I pray that the reason I came on board KD – the talented minds and wonderful stories published – will continue to flourish. In time, I hope this can become like that place, that almost magical place where I can exist in peace, and with peace, and lead peace on, because I Am! :*

Matur nuwun kanthi sanget kanggo maca.

Till next session!

Written by Carl

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  1. trystham
    June 20, 06:46 Reply

    I wonder how y’all can read poetry without keening over in a sleeping fit, drool streaming outta d sides of ur mouth. Prose ni o

    “…Another thing I’m thinking is the vanity of men
    to punish women for their own misbehavior…” I was 1st feminist b4 I identified with being gay and truthfully, A LOT of men are fucktards and some Culture and Religion have spearheaded this fuckery.

  2. JamesJemima
    June 20, 06:59 Reply

    You can keep liking loneliness sha don’t whine to me that you’re bored. I remmeber something you’ve said before (not on KD though) that a ship is safe in its Harbour but wasn’t meant to be there. Sometimes I think your liking to be alone is born from you being scared of letting people in. It’s alright to be scared but once it reaches the point of pushing people away then you need to watch out..

    Lovely writeup sweets.. But all the big English you are using *thumbs through dictionary*

  3. Khaleesi
    June 20, 07:52 Reply

    Carl, this is deep and intense and heavily laden with emotion. You are a gifted intellectual … this was more of mental exercise in the academic realm than entertainment nevertheless,its very high quality work … keep it up …
    Yup! Am a feminist as well, seems being gay has sensitised me to oppression and discrimination … bleh, story for another day …

  4. ronniephoenix
    June 20, 16:11 Reply

    I also am an introvert.
    I consiously and unconsiously push people away.
    I am scared of love.
    I am scared of hatred.

    June 20, 18:25 Reply

    there’s something about the foreign languages at the end of your entries …..

    it gives it a unique feel…

    keep it up, biaaatch!

    *I didn’t mean that*

  6. iamcoy
    June 20, 18:28 Reply

    Like Kizito will say…

  7. Max
    June 20, 19:47 Reply

    “I certainly don’t think I want people weeping for me when I pass. I have spent the better part of two decades on earth mostly miserable. ”

    That hit a nerve

  8. Gad
    June 21, 06:32 Reply

    Carl,are you sure you are not doing yourself some hurt with this your hard to understand use of umuoji sorry emoji? its better you exprss yourself when necessary but that doesnt mean one should say something for saying sake but when the need arises. James has said it all. Think on his words. how i wish that you can meet a solitary man or woman who will sincerely tell you the truth then you will know its not a road you will wish even your enemies to travel on

  9. Gad
    June 21, 07:03 Reply

    The reason God made women weaker both physically and emotionally and made most men the exact opposite is simple “LOVE”. Men are to protect,care and love women and since the strongest and meanest of men needs love and the tender care of women both compliment the other. Sadly,men and women through the ages has abused and continues to misuse these traits. God NEVER made women inferior to men nor did He make men superior.He simply made them to complement each other.The knowledge that death is a type of victory is not common knowledge.It is supreme but the longing to die is abnormal. Death is only sweat and a fulfilment ONLY after one has finished living life naturally. Those who end their lives will never experience the sweatness of death. Death just like some lives could be bitter and vice versa.

    • Carl
      June 21, 08:00 Reply

      Very interesting view on the bitter life and sweet death inter comparison. I hope we meet someday to discuss further, at the very least to see the brains behind such intellect.

      • Gad
        June 21, 08:44 Reply

        Thanks. I’m always open to meaningful discuss and meetings.

    • wondabuoy
      June 26, 19:32 Reply

      Ah Gad! I keep wondering… and wanting to …

  10. Carl
    June 21, 07:48 Reply

    Oh yes. It’s over now. Lol. Test run failed marvelously. @Gad

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