Dear KD: He Is My Best Friend, And He Hates That I’m Gay

Dear KD: He Is My Best Friend, And He Hates That I’m Gay

I have (had) a best friend, who I also happened to have a massive crush on. But in all the time of our friendship, I have managed to keep my attraction for him under wraps.

However, recently, driven by a need to be more of myself with him, I came out to him. His initial reaction was to understand. But that didn’t last very long. Below is the message he sent me, which broke my heart as I read it.

Him: Guy, see eh! I want you to do me a favour abeg… Dey on your own please. I really can’t pretend anymore, man. I can’t put up with you. I beg you in the name of God, stay on your own please, to avoid any complications. Thanks for your understanding. And please, don’t ever try to visit me again uninvited, because you might not like the outcome. That will be all for now.

Feeling shattered as I read this, I couldn’t stop myself from replying.

Me: Wow! It really was that hard for you, huh? Well, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for any distress I’ve caused you by opening up to you. However, the one thing I’ll never be sorry about is being who I am. And I’ll try as much as humanly possible to keep out of your way and stay away from you. Thanks for being my friend, for what we once had and for having the decency to at least pretend to understand. And I sure hope you find the happiness you need and seek in life. Enjoy!

He responded to my message.

Him: Glad you understand, man. God loves you, brother. Just take this problem to him. He is the only One that can help you out not me or anyone else. For now, just stay outta my way/life.

I am still reeling with shock at the turn of events, upset at the loss of my friendship and angry at the blanket assumptions he has made about my life. I mean – Take my problem to God? Him helping me? I am fine with who I am. But underneath my self-assurance, I feel a desperate sinking in my heart, a painful realization that by remaining true to myself, all I’ll ever suffer is loss.

I am conflicted.

I am depressed.

I need help.

Submitted by Mitch.

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  1. Dennis Macaulay
    February 11, 06:28 Reply

    You are better off without him. A friend is supposed to stick with you no matter what, it’s a good thing you told him cos now you know where he stands.

    I don’t form close friendships with people I cannot be real with. That era has gone!

    • Lothario
      February 11, 22:07 Reply

      You’re evolved enough to make that decision, maybe Mitch isn’t.

      My dear, don’t blame him; it’s done and over, you can have other friends….. that’s life!

  2. shuga chocolata
    February 11, 06:32 Reply

    My BFF will definitely understand me if I open up to him but I’m glad and happy I didn’t make that mistake then because I would have written my own story here on KD.

    The thing is just that most times its better kept secret because to me, my sexuality shouldn’t define me and for all the reasons most of my queer friend acts childish even when they are way older than me.
    In this race called LIFE I’m the only one that needs me.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      February 11, 06:36 Reply

      Shuga sometimes you need friends that you can take off the mask with and be real. My straight friends give me the best relationship advice. I am a bit of an emotionally involved person and I went through a difficult breakup recently, my friends made it way less difficult.

      • shuga chocolata
        February 11, 07:04 Reply

        OMG I finally got a reply from the almighty crushable DM, *fans my hysteria self*

        DM I totally understand you but in my own situation I’m not always lucky because the few whom I knew then were using me, when I noticed I dropped all like a bad habit fast. That my BFF then was phyne but his character that I wasn’t comfy with, I almost told him back when I was in high school but my gay friends begged me to hold on a little for few years when I’m independent and if he goes pineapple then will shove banana up his cakes.

        Some thing happened to me yesterday and I’m still crying till today and my water works is faulty. Human both straight and bent, gay and trans we all are our own archenemy. They didn’t know that I know 40% of their secret but now I know that all of them who beefs me @ the shop are so queer as i am. Can you beat that?
        That’s why I wrote earlier that my sexuality stays with me and won’t leave me even in my old age.

        *PP how you doing? Its long since we spoke*

      • Gad
        February 11, 11:41 Reply

        DM, this world is too deep. Very deep. The only person that can be 100% friend is Christ. He sticks closer than a brother. Earthly friends may and will always fail you. Your friend can become a billionaire tomorrow by selling your secret to your opponents. Let me give you an instance, John left school 40yrs ago without remedying a c/o he had in a course but some how someone in the exams and records office helped him to clear it.he is now a doctorate degree holder and the gubernatorial candidate of his state. He has 90% chances of winning @ the polls but from the blues the issue of his 1st degree came up.Investigations revealed that the only human being he confided in(his best friend) has been smilling to the bank cos he leaked the secret. I hope you got my point

      • Dennis Macaulay
        February 11, 14:23 Reply

        Gad I get your point but I disagree with you totally! I have three friends that f I were dying today and a human head is needed to save me, they would provide three in a heart beat!

        There are friends who have your back no matter what. These are the kind of friends who become family

        • pinkpanthertb
          February 11, 14:30 Reply

          Family can be loyal. Friends can be loyal.
          Family can be disloyal. Friends can be disloyal.

    • Khaleesi
      February 11, 10:24 Reply

      Your sexuality doesnt define you, but its a major part of whoever you are whether you like it or not … how can someone be a close friend and be in the dark about such a crucial aspect of who you are …. ***different strokes for different folks sha***

      • Lothario
        February 11, 22:10 Reply

        I know!!! I’ve always found that weird

  3. Paul
    February 11, 06:39 Reply

    Time just Time would heal U.
    I say ds because dats wat healed me wen I went tru ds.
    D pain is unimaginable.
    Try n find a distraction(rarely possible), if u dnt hv his digits in ur head ,delete his phone number 4 NOW n every oda link so u dnt go bt attempting to fix wat u can’t.
    In d future wen u r stronger U cn alwayz link up on a very normal note.
    Don’t cry because turning on d water works won’t do U any good.
    Dnt even attempt Hating cos u can’t.
    Try understanding him(very hard to do)
    Give him Spaces (d singular won’t b enof)
    In all bro,
    Tk it from me,u’d b fine. @least I’m fine today.

  4. Max
    February 11, 06:49 Reply

    Awwww.. I totally understand.
    Note to all KDians: if possible, keep ur sexuality under wraps to close friends, most will throw you under the bus once they find out.
    I’d start by saying he’s not a true friend. True friends will stand by you no matter what. Even if you commit murder. So just find a big black box in your heart, throw him in and lock it, then throw the key away. Before you know it, he ll just be a memory.
    We ve all gone through this in one way or another. No one likes rejection, that’s why we keep clamoring on visibility for LGBT peeps in Nigeria.
    Don’t lose sleep over this. Sweep it under the rug and stomp on it.

    • Brian Collins
      February 11, 10:17 Reply

      you mean like how Michaela, Connor and Laurel stood by Wess?

  5. Ueze
    February 11, 06:53 Reply

    Get a new best friend. As insensitive as it may sound, you made a choice and he’s allowed to react. I like to think that time teaches everyone, it does, but the decision to learn is still and only ours.
    So for your heart’s peace of mind, ….

  6. Lord II
    February 11, 07:01 Reply

    Wow Mitch am sooooo sorry ooooooo! I felt your hurt as I was reading and know how it feels….wow are you gonna suffer loss? Ofcoz and that’s just a sacrifice you would have to bear for choosing to tell and admitting to him!

    Had a best friend in pry school and just realized he is GAY too…however we were too close then to have anything physical now.

    • pinkpanthertb
      February 11, 07:03 Reply

      Quick question, Lord. Is that your best friend scenario your example of knowing how it feels?

      • Max
        February 11, 09:01 Reply

        PRI skl..seriously?
        You never disappoint do you?

      • Mercury
        February 11, 09:10 Reply

        I told you he always has a matching experience for every situation on kd.

      • Mercury
        February 11, 09:11 Reply

        Way to go making every post about you.

      • Lord II
        February 11, 17:13 Reply

        Nope!!! Just tot to add that as I find out its a bit apt here…hiudoing?

    • Khaleesi
      February 11, 10:21 Reply

      Yea. .. trust the good King Lord to abandon the topic @ hand and pull a topic outta nowhere, perhaps a recently ‘barebacked’ ass…. ***sashays away***

      • Lord II
        February 11, 17:16 Reply

        Naaaa! He couldnt..hehehheehehe and guess who likes to watch????

  7. Absalom
    February 11, 07:02 Reply

    I don’t know how long you two have been friends for him to qualify as a “best friend”. His reaction is beyond horrible.

    No matter.

    None of this is your fault. If your friend cannot handle your sexuality then he’s probably best out of your life.

    The shock will wear off with time.

    As for the fear of loss, question is: What do you want in life, and how much are you willing to do to get the life you want? Your friend’s behaviour contains important life lessons: being true to yourself and getting the happiness you deserve is not always an easy road; you may have to drop some people along the way. So…congratulations on dropping that…”friend”.

    Tight scented hug.

  8. Silvery Cat
    February 11, 07:04 Reply

    Aww. How sad *sheds a fake tear*
    Now listen up all U fellas, the knowledge of Ur sexuality should be reserved solely for people with said sexuality in other words; gay, bisexual or bicurious people. Straight bestfriend, Girlfriend, Brother-from-another-mother or even blood relatives are not, I repeat, ARE NOT privy to such sensitive information. Lie to them if U must, but don’t ever in the bid to make Urself feel better, be a better friend confide that information to someone who doesn’t need to know.
    What is Ur coven of gayfriends for? Mtchew! All these immature idiots that can’t handle a gay best friend!

  9. dotunthompson
    February 11, 07:20 Reply

    Awwwww me is here seriously tinking on ow I can take my mask off and come out real with my bestie, bt with this story! Na way. Am so not ready to loose him base on me coming out d closet. Take care of u bro and gud u nw know u guys aint really frends @ first.

  10. Chizzie
    February 11, 07:29 Reply

    wow…ok that was cold. I think the rule of thumb is to study a person’s character or disposition before you reveal certain things to them and this is as regards every area of life not just one’s sexuality. I have “friends” that I am cautious with and try not to share every merry detail of my life..and there are friends I only msg abt boys stuff and then there’s my best friend who I tell everything: boys..personal drama, issues at home. He also happens to be gay too, but our companionship didn’t just happen overnight,we’ve known each other for years and even went to the same uni. You need to attain a level of companionship before you can finally reveal certain sides of urself to ppl. How long did you know this so-called best friend?

    and now that he’s revealed his true colours…its safe to assume he was never deserving of the best friend title,so good riddance. Lesson to be learned here is; somethings are better kept to ones self!

    oyah take e-hug and add an e-blowjob to that

  11. Vhar.
    February 11, 07:33 Reply

    Here’s the simple truth, to any straight Sex..
    Having a Gay BestFriend is the best thing that could have happened to them.

    They only need to get their head outta their asses
    And realize that Queer folks aren’t out to peek at their junkie (not always though).

    He’s not your friend.
    And your sexuality isn’t a disease.
    God loves us all abeg.

  12. JustJames
    February 11, 07:46 Reply

    Well this sucks a lot. You’ll be fine but honestly you have to work towards making yourself fine if you want it to happen fast. It will be hard, kind of like a breakup but unless you want to wallow in misery then you need to work him out of your mind. Keep yourself busy (read a book, finish that that series you have been been watching, maybe learn learn, craft if you’re desperate. Lol) remove little reminders of your friendship, stuff like that. In time I promise you’ll be better, you might not heal completely but you’ll look back and wonder why you were so upset about it.

    I cannot fathom (is that the spelling) calling anybody my close friend unless they know I am gay. One guy calls me one of his bestest buddies but I don’t reciprocate such sentiments cause I don’t need a best buddy that will turn on me when certain aspects of myself is revealed. I’ll keep saying it though, nothing will change unless we put our heads out our fabulously decorated closets. It’s scary and we are scared of rejection but if all our straight friends only have what they see on tv or hear in church to use to judge gay people and not real life people then we will still have mass homophobia. I’m not saying come out to everyone I’m saying y’all shouldn’t be so so darned scared. I have straight friends who are cool with the fact that I’m gay. One of them used to be a homophobe but it’s reduced even up to the point that finding out a roomie of his was gay just shocked him but didn’t lead him to start avoiding him. At least coming out will let us know our fair weather friends and the ones that love us for us and not based on “as long as I’m okay with what you’re doing”

    But then again it depends on individuals and their choices. If you want to remain tightly locked in your closet I believe you know what’s best for you.

    • simba
      February 11, 08:42 Reply

      Somethings are better left as secrets…

  13. Mercury
    February 11, 09:19 Reply

    So sorry dear, pick your self up and move on, you can’t be depressed over losing some dickhead who isn’t what your shit……my own solution works for me sha, I ain’t got no best friend, I have lots of friends but none is close enough to get depressed over if they walk out of my life. Life is too short to let anyone ruin my happiness. Do you jare. True friends will love you for you.

  14. Pedro Mann (@D1kPedro)
    February 11, 09:43 Reply

    That’s what happens when people pretend to love you. And you love them back. And You have never realised that the friendship/love is with condition. I’m more comfortable with people who are very comfortable with my negative aspects first, then they will discover that anybody can actually be a friend -just acceptance on each other’s part and realising that we are all emotional beings. The golden rule still stands out: Do under others … Good people will always feel hurt. Selfish people won’t feel hurt; instead they will look for another person to inflict bad on.

    Sorry man, your friend has never really been your friend. If he were a “good” person, he would easily have known that being gay is not always about sex as perceived by most illiterate homophobic persons. Erasing the memory of him that you have, will not be easy though, but with time, I assure you, things will even out. He might even come back to connect with you.

  15. Tony Odekunle-Brown
    February 11, 10:12 Reply

    My best friend will NEVER understand my sexuality and I am fine with that. For that reason, I won’t open up to him.

    Still, I know that if by mistake I open up to me, he won’t respond like this.

    You are better without him Mitch. Dude is a douche!

  16. Khaleesi
    February 11, 10:16 Reply

    First of all; you dont need such friends … plz dump the bigoted homophobe!! Coming out to a true friend usually strengthens the friendship as usually this is the only secret you have from your friends …. it will hurt for a long time especially when you look back on how much of your time/emotion you invested in this apology of a friend, but with time you’ll emerge stronger and none the worse for wear … #hugs $

  17. Brian Collins
    February 11, 10:40 Reply

    Wow, this makes me want to rethink my coming out to my closest pal. We have had general talk ahout homosexuality but he doesnt seem to hate it. I think he might suspect me even (calls me a drama king). I guess the reality of it was overwhelming for Mitch’s friend. Me i just know i am done lying to my friends.
    As i was watching Murder yesterday in another buddy’s house, i was using his home theatre system as aux audio and the part where Connor and Oliver had their fight came up and he said why was i watching those two faggots? that i should fastforward the scene. I obviously did not and i told him, ‘saying faggot doesn’t make you cool or make you seem straighter than you already are’. He blew up and asked what i was insinuating and said he was a fucking homophobe and that he doesn’t care what i thought. I just ignored him after that. I think he also suspects that i am gay. He is the one who says, ‘if i didn’t know you personally, i’d think you are gay’.
    PS: Every straight guy cannot be like Bobby’s Raymond.

  18. Gad
    February 11, 11:25 Reply

    We hurt ourselves when we fail to identify boundaries. Your friend is straight and you allowed your mind to nurse sexual attractions towards him(i hope I got the meaning of “crush”?). Though I don’t understand the need to come out to him, I think you would have tested the grounds/prepared it before taking the step you took.You would have in engaged him in a discussion on homosexuality and while maintaining a neutral posture try and educate him.His reaction and(or) opinion will help you to determine whether to open up or hold your peace. Well, let’s pray he doesn’t begin an evangelical movement with your name. Again,replying his text was a big mistake.You provided him with some level of evidence with which he might use in his evangelism. I urge you to avoid him. From the tone of his text he is 50-50 with you.He might come back and he might not. If he does,accept him meticulously but honestly. One way you can win is by being noble in character and being successful in whatever your hands decides to do.

  19. Colossus
    February 11, 12:03 Reply

    I don’t understand the need some of us have to come out to our straight friends. We sometimes live under the delusion that to be “perfect” friends, we have to let all our secrets out. Maybe I’ll way too realistic but I believe it’s wrong.
    You’ve got straight friends and you’ve got gay friends, sometimes if you’re lucky then you’ve got straight friends who accept you as you are, it’s as simple as that. It is what the country we live in has created.
    If your friend told you he sleeps with dogs or he eats live rats, you’ll probably find him weird and maybe begin to stay clear from him. We act differently to what we don’t understand, your friend did not understand your sexuality. He waited a while to send you a text which means he thought about it and he still could not understand it.
    It might be too late to make him understand so let him be, move on and if he later does get to understand, he’ll find his way back to you.
    Make new friends, keep your sexuality from the straight ones, there are other things that make friendship better apart from the bond of batting for the same team.

    Love yourself first then you’ll get to realise you won’t feel bad when a homophobic friends walks away.

  20. Jaja
    February 11, 12:32 Reply

    Your guy was never your friend.

  21. tobby
    February 11, 12:36 Reply

    I can understand how you feel (kinda), but any friend who can’t accept you regardless of your orientation is NOT worth feeling depressed over. I always say this, ultimately the one and only person you’ve really got is yourself..

    Others come and go, even family. Good riddance!

  22. Dennis Macaulay
    February 11, 14:30 Reply

    I respect all the different opinions shared here, but I have declared 2015 the year of zero tolerance for homophobia of any sort.

    I will NEVER be close friends with anyone that I cannot reveal my real self to. My interaction with homophobes is subsequently very minimal (like at work where I cannot avoid them).

    If I cannot be real with you, then we cannot be close pals.

    • Heiress
      February 11, 14:34 Reply

      My new crush DM lol I agree zero tolerance is the way forward!!

    • Colossus
      February 11, 15:49 Reply

      Does ALL your friends know you’re gay?

      • Gad
        February 11, 16:48 Reply

        A very pertinent question

  23. Heiress
    February 11, 14:31 Reply

    Hmm. I know some of us tend to use that word best friend loosely. In any case, it’s in moments like this you know who your real friends are. Yes he can react but not in such a dramatic way. If he truly was your “best friend” he probably would have suspected about your sexuality but still it should not come in between your friendship. You are probably bombed about it but I think you will get through it. Good riddance!! Ain’t nobody got time for that! If he can’t accept you for who you are then he should keep it moving!!.
    Just my two cents

  24. Team
    February 11, 19:09 Reply

    Mark my words, he’ll be back. With time he’d realize you are still the same guy he always knew even when you hadn’t come out.

    My best friend then didn’t talk to me for a month when I came out then. But he came around later, your too would. Na normal

  25. Mitch
    February 11, 22:21 Reply

    Okay fam!

    I kinda get the timing thing but what happens when you’ve been friends, CLOSE friends for over 3 years?

    And for those asking about the ‘need’ or ‘urge’ to come out to straight folks, He personally asked me to tell him the truth saying He’d be cool with whatever I told him. Now, this is the result after 3 months.

    Well, guess what’s done is done!

    And, thank you all for your candid opinions and support. Especially you PP. You are a gem!

    • Silvery Cat
      February 11, 23:11 Reply

      If he asked and promised to be cool but then lost his cool, then he’s a child and frankly it’s good riddance. Just hang on tighter to Ur gay coven of brothers (or sisters). The storm will pass.

    • Gad
      February 12, 00:07 Reply

      Just like when a police investigator tells a suspect to tell him the truth and be set free. One day a so called friend will turn somebody over to the police and he is charged and sentenced. That’s the day we will learn to use our heads

  26. Eric
    February 17, 21:16 Reply

    You took a risk darling it didn’t pay off. Life goes on my brother there are soo many people out there who will embrace you for who u are u just have to be patience.

  27. Francis
    May 18, 11:12 Reply

    Eeeya! And this is why I put up the Ice Queen persona even towards my folks sef. I can’t deal with any one I get too attached to walking away from me.

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