Dear KD: How Do I Fall Out Of Love With My Straight Best Friend?
I need advice from you guys.
I’ve been in love with my best friend for three years now. I finally told him last month that I’m bisexual, and he wasn’t surprised. He said he’d always suspected that I liked guys. Then he asked if I have any sexual feelings for him. I lied and said no. He said we are cool then, because he feels nothing of the sort, but that he values our friendship regardless of my sexual orientation.
The thing though is, I’m madly in love with him even though I’ve accepted that nothing will ever come out of it. I am someone who hardly count things, but the little things he does gets to me, like not replying my chat on time despite being online for hours. These are things my other friends do and even worse but I wouldn’t care; however when he acts like that, I am incapable to maintaining an unaffected attitude. He very easily ruins my mood with trivial things. Like the other day, we’d already planned that I would come to his place to hang out on a Wednesday, and then he sent me a message just the day before to say that he would be going to “permanent site” to scout for girls with the other guys, so I should please make my visit on Thursday. I felt really bad.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not blaming him and I’m not angry with him either. He really cares about me in the way any straight friend would, despite my sexual orientation and all. But I just don’t know how to control my emotions and this sometimes affects my studies (we are both medical students).
I want to get over him. Please how do I go about it? Thank you.
Submitted by Chaklux
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9 Comments
Queen Blue Fox
July 18, 08:06I’ve been here my dear. Sadly though the best solution is distance. Give him space, stop seeing him too often and stop visiting.
Believe me he will come to get you back , all these straight besties can’t help it but don’t fall for that trick. He will try to be more sexual with you just to make you happy, but don’t give in. Maintain your grounds and distance, it will die gently. Hopefully he is not More determined to keep you than my own guy was.
Mitch
July 18, 08:18Your heart is yours to control.
Tell it what to do and it will.
And please, stop torturing yourself with something that never will be.
All you’ll do is hurt yourself needlessly.
Rapum
July 18, 08:42I have a heterosexual friend I love. I came out to him in second year, right after the anti-gay law was passed and it deepened our friendship. I was in love with him then, and I eventually made him know this, because keeping it bottled up ate at me. So I would advice you to let him know how you feel, not because you expect him to reciprocate, but because if he truly cares about you, he will become sensitive to this fact. Give it time and your in-love-ness will fade into mere love.
But first you must do away with the feeling of gratitude. Love and gratitude, when combined, can be confusing for the heart and the brain. His acceptance of you is not a favour he’s doing you. In fact, you are doing him a favour by opening yourself up and making him a better person as a result. First, stop feeling grateful that he accpets you, and it will be easier to deal with your desire. Also, it is important to keep it at the centre of your mind that if push comes to shove, you’d have to move away from him for your own good.
Bee
July 18, 13:08Everything’s been said already.
From experience, I’ll just emphasize that keeping a reasonable distance from him will help you a lot. My best friend is straight, we’ve been together since we started secondary school. I came out to him when we graduated and, a few weeks later, told him about my feelings for him. He’s been marvelously understanding. Anyway, I had to stay away for 2 years; it was incidental. Whenever we wanted to visit each other, some problem would come up on either his end or mine. The first few months were filled with nights through which I’d just be thinking about him–it was miserable. We called each other from time to time, anyway.
Now, I don’t fawn over him anymore. Now, he’s actually just my best friend: NSA. Now that there’s a bit of space and easiness between us, we’re getting to understand each other better. And, more importantly, that attention is now focused on guys who could actually fall for me.
Oludayo
July 18, 14:31I’d repeat everything everyone has said. Distance is the best way to let the feelings dial down a bit. You’ll be in the best position to know whether telling him how you feel would be a great idea.
I personally wouldn’t (more out of concern of possible rejection since he already said how he feels and evidently seeking companionship elsewhere).
PS. Some details you included makes me think we are quite close -location wise. If you want to talk,you could reach out. I’ll message PP with my details later.
Oludayo
July 18, 14:35I’d repeat everything everyone has said. Distance is the best way to let the feelings dial down a bit. You’ll be in the best position to know whether telling him how you feel would be a great idea.
I personally wouldn’t, more out of concern of possible rejection since he already said how he feels and evidently seeking companionship elsewhere.
PS. Some details you included makes me think we are quite close -location wise. If you want to talk,you could reach out. I’ll message PP with my details later.
chaklux
July 18, 21:34Would realy love to talk to someone about all this. @oludayo.. Thanks..PP, thanks too..
toke
October 29, 00:14I had(still having) the same problem… there’s this straight guy in my department…. Men…..this guy is so nice and I LOVE HIM!….. it started out as being frnds. now I was beginning to fawn over him… touch him…
I shall told him… nd he wasn’t into guy.. that was like 5 months ago… it wassiul crushing as I had fantasized about this guy ( I still m) …i gave him space sha… ND we are pretty cool… Nb: he used to say that stuff about girls too…… boy did it get me pissed?…. my bloda ……giv him space and tell him…. for further advise….. contact the admin of this forum for my email I….. really don’t mind
Mickey
January 04, 11:01I’m very much still in this kind of situation,I even tried the distancing stuff,but he didn’t really work.