Dear KD: I Am Secretly Dating My Best Friend’s Brother
For a long time, I wanted to bring this issue here to seek advice, because I didn’t want to risk the person I’m concerned about seeing it. But then, he’s not exactly an internet person; he’s rarely active on social media and really, really doesn’t have the attention span required to read blog stories, even though he knows about Kito Diaries. So I decided to take a chance, because I really want to know what to do.
The person I’m referring to is my very close friend (who I’ll call Stanley for the purpose of this story).
We have been friends for about five years, and in that time, I have been welcomed into his home, so much so that I am regarded as part of his family. I come and go as I please and his parents think nothing about coming home from work and finding me in the house by myself.
Like me, Stanley is gay. He is out to his family though and they are very accepting of him. Because of our friendship, that means that I am also out to his family, and in the same way they’ve been accepting of their son, his parents have absolutely no issues with me too.
Stanley has a younger brother who he is older than by about four years. He is very protective of his brother, fiercely protective in fact. And for the most part of the five years I have known him, I hadn’t met his brother (who I shall call Eric), because Eric has been studying in a university in the UK. Last year, Eric finished his studies and returned home, and I finally got to meet him.
And he is GORGEOUS! Tall, hunky, dark-skinned, red-lipped, with a baritone that makes his voice ooze like honey.
But oddly enough, I wasn’t attracted to him. I’d already incorporated the mentality Stanley had of him as his kid bro, and put him in that category as well. So, even though I could appreciate how good-looking he is, I didn’t take that appreciation beyond that. Besides, we didn’t have much in common – or even if we did, we didn’t fraternize much, enough for me to find out. Whenever I was at their place, I was always either with Stanley or in Stanley’s room. Eric himself was also a homebody and was always locked away inside his room with his video games, only coming out whenever he had to go see his numerous girlfriends.
Anyway, in February this year, I was at their place as usual and I was in Stanley’s room doing some work on my laptop, when Eric came in, no doubt to see his brother. But Stanley wasn’t around, and instead of leaving after I told him that, he remained in the room and started chatting with me – something that was unusual for him. We were gisting and laughing, and I was surprised by how easy it was to get along with him. I’d always thought him to be aloof – you know, this “I just got back” kinda attitude that diaspora Nigerians adopt when they’re in the country. But he really wasn’t; he was so genial and easy to talk to.
After that day, we began interacting more. I’d be in the house and he would seek me out for us to talk. This even surprised Stanley who said out loud one day, “I am suspecting this you people’s sudden friendship o. I hope y’all are not secretly shagging.”
He was joking and I laughed. Eric however didn’t laugh. Instead, he responded, “And what if we are?”
Stanley and I thought he was joking and we both laughed. He still didn’t laugh. He merely smiled and then left the room.
The next day, Stanley left the house to run an errand. I was alone in the house with Eric. He came into the room and we started gisting as usual. Then he started asking me questions about my journey as a gay man, which I was only too happy to tell him. He asked some questions and I answered.
At some point during our conversation, he had left the chair which he was sitting on and moved to the bed where I was. And then, at some point while I was talking, he casually leaned forward and kissed me. I was so shocked that I didn’t kiss him back. He pulled back, looked at me and commanded in that deep silky voice of his: “Kiss me back.”
This time, when he kissed me, I kissed him back. I kissed him back so hard, with the reckless abandon of one who’d suddenly been consumed with great passion. We didn’t even come up for air; we simply went from kissing to tearing off each other’s clothes to frantically shagging right there on his brother’s bed.
That encounter became the end of me and Eric being just friends and the beginning of our love affair. We were fucking every time I was at their place. He would also come to see me at my place for us to fuck. I began wanting to go to their place with more eagerness than I’d ever had. Usually, before I’d visit, I would call Stanley to know if he was around, and if he isn’t, depending on the urgency of whatever I needed to do at the house, I could hold off on going over until he calls to let me know he’s back. This time, I’d call him hoping to hear him say he’s not around so I’d quickly call a uber to take me straight to their place and into Eric’s arms.
Eric was such a divine lover. He was also clearly a closeted bisexual man.
And for the life of me, I cannot understand why. He has an out and proud gay older brother and a very accepting family. We have had discussions where I have tried to convince him to at least come out to his brother and he has said no. And so, because of this, our situationship has also had to stay secret.
Not like I am even eager to let that out of its closet. Mostly because I am afraid of how Stanley will react if he ever found out. Did I mention that he is very protective of Eric? This is a guy who criticizes Eric’s girlfriends, never with anything good to say about any of the girls who come to see him. I fear to think of what he’d then have to say about his brother fucking his friend! Even if Eric were ready to come out, I’m not so sure I’d be ready to let Stanley know me and him are together.
Just two weeks ago, Eric officially asked me out to be his boyfriend, and as we sealed the deal with some lovemaking, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly sad about this. This was one of the happiest moments of my life and I couldn’t even share it with my best friend. I was falling in love with this beautiful young man, and I couldn’t even tell that to my best friend. Because the beautiful man is in the closet and because my best friend may feel betrayed by what I share with his brother.
These days, the guilt is eating at me something big. I can no longer look Stanley in the eye, and I am starting to be uncomfortable whenever Eric comes to hang with us. I fear that all the secrecy is starting to ruin what we have, and I don’t know what to do.
Please, tell me what to do.
Submitted by Dubem
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34 Comments
Colossus
July 05, 07:10Your last paragraph, right there lies your answer. You already know what to do, you only seek some kind of contrary opinion.
You can’t out Eric without his consent so your talk should be with him. Let him know how this secret is killing you so something must be done.
The ball is in your court, goodluck navigating the field
Mitch
July 05, 07:21Carrying secrets like this is like carrying a metal drum on your head and not being allowed to reach up with your hands to steady the load.
You need to tell Eric that the secret and lies are killing you. It’s not your place to out him, but it’s not his to make your life miserable by demanding things you can’t give.
So, talk to him.
Figure things out.
And do it fast! Before things spiral out of control.
Pie
July 05, 07:58If he loves you and not just infatuated, he would come out to his very accepting family and officially announce you as his partner. He’d be happy to do this cos he sees the future with you. That’s what undiluted, pure affection is..Love..it makes you positive, takes away all your fears and makes you see the possibilities, not the problems.
Pink Panther
July 05, 08:00This is quite beautiful.
Blackie
July 05, 12:15PP, why is it that you hardly post my comments? this is the third time.
Pink Panther
July 05, 14:47I don’t not post your comment o. Your comments simply need to be approved, especially if you’re posting a comment for the first time or you are an old-time commenter who changed something in your email address or pseudonym.
Anyway, I have now approved your comment. As you comment, they’ll show.
Hero
July 05, 12:35Sorry you have to go through this but sadly the answer is the truth.
Guess what? Eric will always be Stanley’s brother and you will be the third party. so if you don’t act fast you will not only loose both of them but you can be dismissed by the whole Family.
So please hurry and tell Your friend.
If you really think about it , your friend is more important cos you knew him first and Eric has to respect that because that’s loyalty.
I know that beautiful affairs are rare in Gay culture but you have to trust this love or it’s not love at all.
trystham
July 05, 08:03As very open to the idea they are that one son is gay, I’m not so sure how they will be to another turning out bisexual and finding out YOU and the boy are shagging. The drama of it all.
What does Eric say?
Pezaro
July 05, 08:22When people gist stuff like these – best friends, boyfriends, crushes… I’m staring into my phone with tears in my eyes and I’m like “God when,ehn..when?”
Dear Dubem, Can you spare a minute to imagine Stanley’s reaction when he eventually finds out, emphasis on ‘eventually’. It’s only a matter of time, and from your description of him, he doesn’t seem like one who suffers fools gladly. These things can be tricky but it also can be surmountable with the highest degree of tact.
*Outing Eric to the world without his consent is not on the menu.
*Going about your trysts with Eric hoping to keep Stanley in the dark can only last for as long… You have no idea how how much damage, hurt and bad blood that’ll result to when Stanley finds out.
You’re faced with one option, you have to convince to Eric enough at least come out to his brother, and if he won’t agree to that, you’re left with no choice than to cut whatever emotional ties you share with him, it’s a tough decision seeing that you’re in love with the young man, but that’s the only way you’d settle this matter unscathed. God help you.
Kobe
July 05, 11:49I couldn’t have said it better
Ikenna
July 05, 10:28Dear Dubem, this doesn’t seem to me like much of a problem. Eric is central in determining how this turns up. He should be out to his brother at least and be open about who he’s going out with. I feel Stanley will not take it the wrong way; if for nothing, he should be happy that his brother does stuffs with a friend he trusts and not some other guy he can’t vouch for. The saying goes that the devil you dine with is better than the unknown angel prepping the meal.
Talk with Eric. Make him see reasons why the secret relationship is affecting you. If he insists on keeping it away from his brother, which will invariably mean that he doesn’t have good intentions about you or the friendship, end it. I wish you luck.
Blackie
July 05, 10:38Mr Dubem, you are in for a big Problem, ask me why? This Family that have been accepting of their son stanley and you his friend being gay will not hear that another son of theirs which is their hope of having grandchildren is gay too! and he is sleeping with u.They gonna hate you with Passion even your friend stanley,The Family will see you as evil homoseual who turned their sons to practice homosexality.My advice for is to have a talk with Stanley and Eric about your affair with Eric before he or his Family finds out on their own. If they do, you will be at the recieving end.
Tristan
July 06, 23:50Your comment exudes undertones of certainty.
Whatever his family feels about their relationship is just under probability — they could be accepting or not.
Let’s just say this is your opinion not a “will” thing.
Ken
July 05, 10:47How would u feel if Stanley told u he was secretly dating your own brother?? As in put yourself in his shoes. U shld never have agreed to a relationship without Stanley’s consent. Yes, I know it seems cruel but Stanley is your best friend and u are not only fucking his brother but how about their parents? How do u think they will feel??
The worst part is that you and Eric seem to be in lust. It’s only thrilling cos it’s seems like a taboo. If u don’t sit down and decide what’s most important to u, u will lose both brothers. So call it quits and go and talk to Stanley first. Best friends shouldn’t fuck each other’s family members. What if Stanley confesses to u that he has been shagging your dad, how will u feel??
Godspeed
Dubem
July 05, 14:06My dad is married to my mom. If I found out Stanley was shagging my dad, I would only be upset because of the infidelity of the situation. There’s no infidelity happening here. If you’re going to make comparisons, at least make one with similar circumstances instead of making reaches.
Ken
July 05, 14:28Aren’t you all smart?? The infidelity is it to you or your mum?? If you are going to be critiquing others opinion at least make one with reasonable circumstances instead of making reaches
Dubem
July 05, 14:34This comment just shows that you’re not very smart. So infidelity in a marriage is a problem only for the couple and not for the children? You found out that your dad was cheating and you won’t feel a betrayal, let alone the fact that it’s with your friend? You’ll be like, “Oh it’s cool. Let the injury lie with mommy”?
SMH. Dude, please write your comments with commonsense instead of antagonism.
McDuke
July 06, 02:35This Dubem guy funny ooo. You asked for advice but won’t be humble enough to take criticisms. Seems you have it all figured out, I wonder why you brought it to KD. Anyway, you’re wrong…this shouldn’t be happening, these guys are practically family. I understand that mistakes happen so not blaming you much but you should end it. There’s nothing to discuss with anybody here. End it and stay loyal to your friend if he’s really your best friend otherwise you’re gonna ruin everything…my 1cent
Dubem
July 06, 05:56Mr McDuke, let me direct you to my comment below. I said: “The general consensus is that I need to talk to Eric. Thank you, guys. I intend to. It’s going to be a difficult decision to take to break things off with him if he still sticks to his decision to be in the closet. But doing what’s right is hard, I believe. Thanks again.”
THAT was me taking the advice that I came here for. Correcting someone’s foolishness is not evidence that I have it all figured out. And someone saying that me sleeping with my best friend’s brother is the same thing as my best friend sleeping with my married father is not a criticism. It is a reach, and it says nothing about my humility when I call that out.
And finally, I’ll respectfully decline the “advice” you have offered. My situationship with Eric is not a mistake. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing intimacy with him. What is wrong (which I believe I made clear in my story) is the fact that it is a secret from my friend. And as such, it is a situation that in fact warrants a discussion, which I will be having with Eric the next time I see him.
But thanks for giving your 1cent.
ken
July 06, 11:28What @mcdude said
Reduce your tantrums please
Also remember u dont have monopoly of insults
shALLOm!
Jinchuriki
July 05, 11:55Dubem, you should tell Stanley. I think you and Eric should tell him together. He is your best friend. I cannot imagine him wanting any less for his brother.
I’ve never been in this situation, you don’t have to take my advice.
Dubem
July 05, 14:08The general consensus is that I need to talk to Eric. Thank you, guys. I intend to. It’s going to be a difficult decision to take to break things off with him if he still sticks to his decision to be in the closet. But doing what’s right is hard, I believe. Thanks again.
Queen of Queens
July 05, 14:21Why can’t Eric be himself without staying in or out of the closet. You are in a tough situation. Even if it was a heterosexual relationship, it would still be tough. Discuss with Eric for starters.
Black Dynasty
July 05, 17:43As i read the title…. all i could think was “it will end in hot tears”.
But after reading, I’d say you need to sit and discuss with your boyfriend. Let him know you cannot continue like this as it is eating you up.
Sighs, it’s likely going to get ugly between you and your friend but be steady in assuring him that it’s not just sex and it certainly wasn’t your intention to keep it from him.
Blood is thicker than water at the end of the day, but i really hope it works out.
Jahbless_Azubuike
July 05, 17:55I think you should reason with Eric.
letting him know how your best friend will feel about it if he finds out on his own…
Goodluck!..
De King George
July 05, 18:40Wow interesting well as for me I think telling Stanley about the relationship u are having with his younger brother should not be that difficult although he may feel disappointed but both you and Eric have to be sincere so you guys should tell him together not u alone.
Dunder
July 06, 08:33With friends like you, one should actively seek out enemies for safety. This is Chris Watts level shit and you need to stop.
Earlier, a foolish man mistook his lust and wickedness towards a woman who gave him her virginity, for being bisexual. He knew to hide the affair from this woman but claims to LOVE both his official girlfriend and the concubine. Before that was the guy who channelling his inner Fresh Prince, almost with relish, narrated how he took advantage of his cousin then gaslighted both his brother and cousin into silence. Now this comes up a few weeks after….
I’ll be straightforward about this- I am tired of non-fiction that reads “I am gay and therefore, a lower animal, taking zero responsibility and giving zero fucks about people around me”. Whatever your sexual orientation, it is not the reason you lack integrity and conscience as a human being.
You have no business ‘dating” this Eric or “kissing him back”. You have no right having sex in his parent’s house and on your so-called best friend’s bed.
Take in the tone of this entry and wonder what is wrong with us? Is it that we have no personal conviction or values? Does being gay mean being rudderless and irresponsible? Are homosexuals without ties that bind and without boundaries for ourselves and others?
Dubem, you don’t have the right to exist as a bone of contention between blood brothers or test the limits of acceptance of parents who are not yours. There is more to being gay than falling into every bed, breaking every rule, dismissing decency and lacking self discipline.
You are absolutely wrong to say that because these parents are accepting, you have a right to force closet doors open or just assume that they don’t have their own daily struggle and would not have a lot to deal mentally with another child who is at least, bisexual. You did not drop from the sky. Whatever your own situation with your own family is, you have no right to cause pain and rancour in this one. Stanley and Eric’s parents deserve far better for treating you like a son. We have such a hard time accepting ourselves- how then do we dismiss the struggle of others especially when they even unlearn societal and religious hardwiring to accept us? Do such people not deserve better?
Whatever nonsense you have going on with Eric, end it today and never look back. You have betrayed this family enough. You’ve had your dick-full and there is nothing to miss. End it and draft your sincerely written apology to Stanley so you have a ready response when hidden things are inevitably revealed. Think with your real brain going forward and try to do unto others as you want done to you. Stay away from both men. You are unworthy of Stanley’s confidence and his parents’ warmth.
While keeping your distance, ask yourself why this Eric chose you to be the willing tool and useful idiot in this story. I bet you’ll find it’s because of the lack of self respect and self worth you suffer from. In a world where actions speak louder than words, the reason you are where you are with him is because he knows you would throw away friendship, love and loyalty for an orgasm. This is the same guy ready to betray his brother’s love for a thrill like the many others he’s been having since he got back and you think this kind of innately selfish human being is someone anyone should date? You don’t see the dysfunction and darkness in his personality or the sex is that good or you are that needy? You have a wickedness in common but believe me when I say his black is darker than yours. You are playing with a fire that would consume you and spit you out. You are seeing sex as an issue of orientation, not of power. Now that you are confused and thinking of what next, he suddenly officially resumes your SECRET affair. Welcome to Go. I hope you get your 200 dollars because you’ll need all of it. Have you ever wondered why he is not out to his protective older brother who would kill for him?You speak of a protective older brother but have not wondered about a younger brother who does not care about hurt coming to his family. Welcome to a masterclass on narcissism.
For those that think Dubem’s conduct is even minutely appropriate, let us imagine your gayest friend, the one even a mountain top deliverance session did not de-gay, sleeping with your accepting baby sister because she kissed him. And they are doing it in your parents house and on your bed because your family is accepting…. And they have been sneaking around behind you.
Even though hope is bleak in this corner of the world for human rights of gay people, are gay people not people? Do we not love our families even if they may not love our truth? Do we not see the value of friendship? Do we not care about the feelings of those that show us warmth? Is nothing sacred? What’s different about this and a man who shags his children’s school teacher?
Dubem
July 06, 08:49Tried, really tried to get to the end of this Higwe-long comment, but I just couldn’t.
However the much I’ve read, and all I have to say to you, Dunder, is: you need to go fix whatever issues you have with whoever hurt you. This pain you’re carrying around and the aggression you’re transferring onto other people is honestly not good for your mental health.
Fix yourself and Be well. ✌
Mitch
July 06, 09:37Errrrmmmm… Dunder, can you, like, calm down? You sound really very angry.
And, no!
I don’t think things are as bad as you’re making them out to be.
C’mon!
Whenever has any of us been exactly sensible in the first few weeks of love and pussy/dick addiction?
People get to love the people they want, to fuck those they want, insofar as it’s consensual and one party isn’t underage.
So, no. He’s not being an enemy or a terrible person. Do you ask yourself whether the girls you like and are dating or have dated had other lesbian siblings? Whether their being with you was causing their parents or siblings grief?
You don’t get to expect him to sacrifice his happiness to save that of others. C’mon! Inasmuch as the relationship is clandestine, its clandestine nature isn’t a marker of it being wrong. It just exists because one party doesn’t want to be out and the other party has no right, whatsoever, to out anyone for any reason, regardless of whether they’re dating or not.
So, this judgement you have for him is quite misplaced. And, if we’re being honest, you know this too.
PS: A parent having a relationship with their children’s teacher is perfectly normal. It’s only wrong when either party is being coerced into the relationship or are married/in committed relationships. Other than that, please, it’s absolutely normal and okay.
PPS: What is this sacredness you’re talking about? Nothing is sacred, boo. Nothing comes with a measure of sacredness or importance attached to it. What attaches importance or sacredness to anything is personal values. Not the intrinsic nature or value of the thing in itself. So, sacredness as it were, especially in the context you’re using it, is illusory.
Seth
July 07, 05:48I love you Dunder!! Absolutely nothing else needs to be added to this. I have been a “Stanley” in an almost similar situation and let tell you the hurt/betrayal I felt ran deep. And they never even got to shag because I’m very observant and when I saw where that shit was headed I called time on that friendship. My other queer friends didn’t understand why I was being so “harsh” but my absolute rule has always been that no friends of mine mess around with family. Fuck all you scummy, whoring, no self respect having gays. Maybe we do deserve homophobia.
Sadiq
July 07, 08:59You’re really a damned soul. You should’ve rebuffed his advances instead of wholeheartedly giving it a warmed embrace and going further to accept to be his boyfriend. If I were to be in Stanley’s place, you won’t appreciate what I’ll do to you when I find out what sort of friend I allow into my home and family.
Pink Panther
July 07, 09:29He’s really a damned soul?
LOL! The words some of you use here sha.
Ebube
July 10, 01:37Are you kidding me right now?
What the f^ck is wrong with some of you for crying out loud?
Please none of you gets to judge another here. Not for any reason!
If they should open your chapters nko?
Drop your one cent advice and shift!
Saint Nwejes…
Iwuru ogbenye g’awuru amusu all at the same time…
Tufia!
KING priest
July 09, 10:47As romantic as what ever it is you guys are having,and as good as the sex, passion and drive you feel for him is raging within you, it must come to and end as all things must.
If he wants you he must come out to his accepting loving family, if you refuse and continue the madness,then you have not just betrayed Stanley but his entire family.