Dear KD: I’m In Love With A Married Gay Man
Okay, so I’m in a mess.
Or so I think.
No, I’m in a real mess.
Late 2018, my friend’s sister convinced me to join their church choir (now mine as well), giving me two reasons to:
1. The choir is really good (Which is true)
2. There’s someone in the choir who’s like me (Um, okay) – in that, he sings like me (Apparently, an upgraded version of Me. Like, I’m 2.0 compared to his 9.0); and he is effeminate.
But, according to her, this person is not into guys because he’s married. I wondered why she gave me the “not into guys” information, considering I wasn’t even out to her.
So, I went for my audition in March 2019 with two objectives: to ace it and to know who this “someone like me” is.
I did pretty good – all the while looking at him (the man, who we shall call Bassey) as I sang. I was told I’d be put on a three-week probation before becoming a full member.
While all this proceeding was going on, two questions were on my mind as I stole glances at this man: Why do you have to be married? Why do you have to be straight?
Bassey was just the perfect man, the kind of man I want in my life. Physically, he ticked all the right boxes. Dark, not too tall, perfect lips, killer smile. And most of all, he can SING! I’d always wanted a boyfriend who’ll never get tired of singing to me (with a good voice ooo). In my past relationships, I’d always been the one who sang to my exes, and I would get the “Awwww” from them. Well, I want to awwww somebody’s son as he sings to me too.
And I’d found him. Except he had to be married and straight.
Sigh.
Anyway, my attraction for him kept growing. Still growing.
I told my friend about it and she said I should kill whatever’s growing in me, that it’d be messy if I out myself to a married metrosexual man especially if he’s homophobic. I told her not to worry, that I wouldn’t need to out myself to someone I like just to find out if he is into guys.
After a church vigil on the first Thursday of this month, I was looking for a way to get Bassey’s number from him. I didn’t want to take it from the choir group without his permission. I wasn’t able to get the number. However, he later called me and asked for my WhatsApp contact.
Long story short, he came out to me as bisexual last week Wednesday and told me he likes me. I was so thoroughly overjoyed. Before this revelation of his sexuality and affection for me, I was okay with silently being into him. But now that I know he likes me, something’s bound to happen.
But there’s a problem.
The problem is: his wife is so nice. An incredibly wonderful woman. Someone that exudes joy toward whoever she comes in contact with.
Knowing what I know about her husband and knowing that I long for something to happen between us, and knowing her – it all makes me feel really bad.
I feel really bad. Caught between my affection for Bassey and guilt over his wife. My friends have told me to stop loving him, but they won’t tell me how. I know I have to stop this before it gets out of hand, but I don’t know how. In the past, I have liked people who didn’t like me back, and I was able to move on.
With Bassey, I just can’t seem to do that. I don’t know how to. On his own part, he says he wants me. I don’t know exactly what he wants from me, or how he wants me. But however he wants me, I’m just sure it’s not going to end well.
I just need to know how to figure this out. So please, anyone who’s ever been in this situation and gotten out of it or never been there but has a solution, please help me out.
PS: I can’t leave the choir; it’s the one remaining thing that gives me joy in this life.
Submitted by Victor
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44 Comments
MagDiva
July 23, 08:10Dear Victor,
I know you might think you’re in one big ‘ol dilemma, but you’re not. Deep down you know what to do but are choosing to ignore it in the hope that someone would offer you a way our and that way you wont be responsible for your actions.
Life is about choices and those choices/actions sometimes come with consequences. You need to ask yourself and decide what’s more important to you – Your joy, your sanity or your integrity. In the end, something has got to give.
Good luck
Victor
July 23, 16:29Thank you.
Leo
July 23, 08:38Yuu know you wanna shag the man, do it and proceed from there. If anything more will happen, let it. If not, move on. As for the wife, it may be selfish but put yourself first. You don’t know what he wants yet anyway, maybe you should ask him first. His reply may be what you need to put everything in perspective.
Victor
July 23, 16:33Thank you.
Black Dynasty
July 23, 08:41I really do know how you feel, but deep down and depending in which direction your moral compass points, you know what to do.
In your shoes, as much as I liked him and vice versa… I kept him @ arms length, avoided spending time alone with him, even when oga chased me about the place, i kept my distance and eventually feelings subsided.
My conscience is an absolute bitch and wouldn’t let me rest for getting involved with a married man but each to his own. Actions do have consequences and karma can be ruthless.
Victor
July 23, 16:38? Thank you.
Mandy
July 23, 08:41At least you have a heart and a conscience, which is more than can be said for a lot of gay men in the community. It gets harder to sleep with a married man when the wife has a face you know very well, doesn’t it? My dear Victor, your hesitation is answer enough that you shouldn’t do this. And what you feel isn’t love. It is the promise of having something you are not supposed to have. And one way to start the journey of killing these feelings is to cut off from having these sexual/intimate conversations with him. Don’t indulge that sort of intimacy. And be frank with him about your struggle. Tell him you’d like to be with him but you won’t let that happen because he is married. Who knows, maybe he will feel enough shame to withdraw from chyking you. Killing one’s romantic feelings for another is tough, especially when you have to deal with that person on a regular basis. But if you starve those feelings of nutrition (like chatting with him and getting all cozy with him), eventually they do go away.
Mandy
July 23, 08:44Or you can just shag him one time and get it out of your system. i read somewhere that the denying yourself of something that is desired but wrong is what adds to the need for that thing. That’s why the emotional cheating of a wife is kinda worse than the physical cheating of a husband. It’s not consummated, and so the need for it feeds the desire.
Perhaps when you fuck him, you’ll be able to fuck those feelings out of your system.
demi
July 23, 10:21hmmm… the truth can be crazy sometimes…
ken
July 23, 10:40This never happens this way in reality, seeing as u cant control other people’s emotions or motives. what if he actually falls in love with u and decides to dump his wife for u and the wife comes for head together with the village people with wooden forks and spikes??? hellooo
Malik
July 24, 11:17@Shag him once and it will leave your system.
It will not leave your system o. Stay woke.
Victor
July 23, 16:42?? Thank you.?
Victor
July 23, 21:59Thank you?.
ken
July 23, 10:37First of all from your story, i dont think u love this guy. Love is such a strong word and shouldnt be thrown about lightly. But u are obviously attracted to him, infatuated even. That said, eventho u dont owe his wife anything (seeing as u are not married to her) i would advise u to let ur conscience guide u. Shagging a fellow choir member is too close for comfort, i mean, in most stories like this this is how u get outed and get in trouble. So pls move one. There are a hundred tastier apples on other trees
Omiete
July 23, 13:18My thoughts exactly!!! The fact that he is a fellow choir member is even the bigger problem here and you don’t want all that drama. It is risky to do that gay or straight.
Victor
July 23, 16:45Thank you.
Delle
July 23, 12:09Umm…okay…?
Beau
July 23, 13:02“I don’t know exactly what he wants from me, or how he wants me. But however he wants me, I’m just sure it’s not going to end well”. This here has said it all. U know its bad enough u know the woman who is ever so nice to u and also terrible that u might wreck her home. Dnt do it cos it will give u peace of mind, imagine the guilt u will feel whenever u see the woman and especially if she is being nice to u.
Somethings re just not meant to be, no matter how good they seem for us. Dnt do something that will tarnish ur image and out u untimely to the church. A good name is better than all the wild things u can imagine doing with Mr Bassey
Victor
July 23, 16:49Thank you.?
MGMhater
July 23, 13:06Once you tell me you are married, there is this anger nd hatred that comes from within. tuehhhh. tuuueh on all married gay men. tueeeh
trystham
July 23, 13:42I’m still waiting on ur story
ken
July 23, 17:21Lol as in they have violated your sacred gay pact abi???
Bloom
July 23, 13:44Only God knows how many other boys he has told he wants them.
I know you ought to live ur life to the fullest and all, but I doubt his wonderful voice can save you from a church scandal. Now that is the real mess.
Black
July 23, 14:39In Wendy Williams’ voice “zont zuit”
Victor
July 23, 16:26Thank you so much PP.
J
July 23, 18:12Please don’t do that. Married people should be left alone please ? Whenever I see a married man misbehaving and cheating, I feel so bad for his wife and children. Whether you’re religious or irreligious, marriage is a covenant that shouldn’t be taken for granted. Don’t be the reason why someone cries or feel unwanted, why someone disrespect or mistreat their partner, it’s totally wrong! You have no reason to fall in love with him please, so many guys can sing too.
J
July 23, 18:37Apart from being gay in the choir, you’re trying to lay with a married man making him to commit adultery? What are you presenting to your God? Do you think your praises will be acceptable? This man will only find refuge in you and go back to his wife and tomorrow he’ll testify the goodness of his God for delivering him from an agent of Satan like you.
Don’t ever think a married man will leave his family because of you, not in this country at least.You know how our people are so particular about biological children. Can you give him children? Do you defecate gold? You’ll be excused tomorrow and all you’ll be left with is had I know. Be upright in your morals even if you can’t defeat your sexual orientation, I believe your God will understand.
Audrey
July 23, 19:58Oga abeg relax na fuck e wan fuck e no kill person.
My dear I’d advice you just get hold of the D,Enjoy the much you can and move on(Key words being MOVE ON).Life is too short for regrets.
Patrick
July 24, 00:52J, the last sentence of your comment is simply beautiful.
The dilemma here is a moral one: do I or do I not sleep with a married man. It’s nothing to do with sexuality.
We shouldn’t brush off every code of sexual morality as heteronormative because society thinks us deviants.
You’d be fine, Victor?
Mike
July 23, 21:38Hmm, simply put . I think you should shag him.
As that nigga, love is a strong, but kongi is the national anthem. So shag him, but know this duo love requires a sort of affinity, longing, its almost spiritual. That been you don’t love, I am ? sure.
You don’t love him, because he can not give you want you truly desire.
You don’t love him, because you’ve not know well enough, enough to say you love. Love at first sight, is just makeup lust. If love at first sight is a thing, then everyday we see someone we like, with a big ass, it most be love, so you fall in love like 10 times a day. That’s not love, that is lust, low-key lust.
So lust, you should get it out of your system, see how it goes, from there, probably see if it could be love, or develop into one eventually, cause my dear, love is when, you know a persons imperfection but still stay, love is what Carry’s you when the going gets stuff, you’ll still stick around. Love is like a fundamental energy, it comes from the same place hope, motivation, purpose comes from. That’s why parents would probably die for their children, it is almost lyrical.
You don’t love him, you’ve not seen anything enough to love him, but you wanna shag him, that’s biology, that is kongi. So try it out.
Well, you didn’t marry his wife, you were not the one who said ” I do, till death do us part” so technically speaking, you are not breaking or crossing any lines here. You can’t make him any gayer than he already is, cause you are not God. Let’s be clear on one thing, wether or not you give in to your consciousness, regardless of what you decide. He is still gonna be gay, he is still gonna be married and he is still gonna get in bed with other men regardless of how long it take.
So do yourself a favor and realized you are human.
Victor
July 23, 22:06Hmmmm thank you.?
Wonda Buoy
July 24, 07:59It’s risky because because he’s a married guy. It’s riskier because you’re in the same choir. I have been carefully avoiding advances by married men in the same choir as me as though I don’t know what they are trying to do. My brother, you have to suppress that desire because the outcome is always not good.
Patrick
July 24, 13:46How about a KD mass choir ?!???
But married KDians are banned, especially for MGMhater’s sake.???
IBK
July 24, 09:42Leave the church and take a cold shower.
Malik
July 24, 11:44Don’t do it. Unmarried men choke. Divorcees choke. But don’t get yourself entangled with a married man from church, especially seeing that you’re friends with his wife too. If the story gets out, it would be a huge messy story.
Help Bassey make the right decision. Truth is that if he cheats on his wife with you, he’d cheat on you too with a younger, finer guy with a better voice than you.
To echo what some people have said, it’s a moral issue and if you really love him and his family, you wouldn’t do it. And really, if you have to leave the church, do so. Konji will find another way to appease itself.
David Kamdili
July 24, 19:25Like you said, that story wouldn’t end well. Travel to the future from different timelines, your story with him would always end in regrets. It’s most likely going to be from his own part, of how you ruined his happy marriage, and probably him trying to be there for kids (if there are any now, or there might be in the future), and how he wants toTake be a better husband and father. Take a deep breath and walk out of that would-be relationship
Jinchuriki
July 25, 15:07As someone who has been in hour predicament once I’ll tell you that it’s not easy loving a married bisexual. If you decide to go for Bassey and all that you both want, it will be a difficult relationship and nobody deserves that. Forget about Bassey. Leave the church if you must.
Bitch
July 26, 11:35I have also liked a married man… He was really tall and really hot and he smelled fucking nice I wanted to lick him clean… When i started liking him and things awent crazy some days we wore matching color and outfit to the office… Then I found out he was married with a kid or 2… I actually got close to him.. Then he started driving me home after work… After observing for a while I noticed he could never be mine then I took my eyes off him and when he was so close to me I would pretend that he wasn’t there… That was how I kinda killed my vibes with him…
Avid Fan
July 26, 12:27Pls tell me you’re not in LFC pls pls pls for my peace of mind lol! I don’t need to mention the branch but just respond. Pls!!!
Victor
July 26, 13:43I’m not.?
Avid Fan
July 27, 13:10Phew!!! I can relax now but your story hit home for me. Relatable AF! Lol! My advice: Don’t do it unless you’re into one night stands and that’s what you actually intend for how long the ‘relationship’ should ‘last’. If not, biko leave married man with him matter make e go find him kpomo for outside.
Kayeze
August 12, 13:25He is in Coza, …. I know the guy he is talking about
Rex
July 27, 08:54What do you want to do???!!!
What do you feel like doing?
Are you ready to face the consequences of whatever you decide?.
Doing stuff with MGM could turn bitter or sweet, so are you ready to give it a try or would you rather save yourself the wahala and miss the kporo you so craved?
I must warn you, from my years as a. Choir/church boy, “Altar acquaintances” never go well male or female, when the chips are down the coldness will drive you crazy.
Udom diri gi!
kreez
July 28, 03:49this sounds like the plot to a disastrous
ending…never mess with married people….it always backfires