Dear KD: There Is Darkness In Me
I actually don’t know what’s wrong with me. Honestly I’m starting to get scared of myself.
This started after some discoveries I made about myself, and a memory trip I took back to my growing up years. I remember when I was a kid, I used to have these weird, scary dreams. I’m never known for being emotional by my family and the people very close to me. I simply don’t feel overly sorry for or too excited about anything.
I remember stabbing my elder sister with a knife. Thankfully, she dodged my striking motion, and the blade cut just her arm. The innermost feelings I had then was to see people suffer and cry, and to conceal my enjoyment of it with a polite smile. I remember when I was six, our neighbour died and when I heard, I laughed so hard.
Just recently, I found out I was an infant with natural dreadlocks; dada, they call it. And knowing the superstition that followed such phenomena has fueled my anxiety over my discoveries.
I remember when I was seven and we would go to the stream. And I’d see little kids playing before me at the stream. And no one else with me would admit to seeing anything or anyone. These little kids would play before me, and I’d laugh at their antics, sometimes even carried on conversations with them.
I remember being able to forecast the rains as a child.
I remember when I was in Junior Secondary, and the Senior Prefect gave me some lashes of his cane for making some noise while he was addressing my class. The following day, and on for a week, he fell seriously ill, and his right hand was swollen.
I remember when I had a bus fare issue with a conductor. I told him what I could afford to pay, and he agreed. I paid him, expecting change. When I got to my bus stop however, he refused to hand me my change, reverting back to the original fare, in spite of our earlier agreement. The bus zoomed off in the face of my anger. But it didn’t get very far before the conductor lost his balance and fell from the bus. He didn’t die; he broke some bones instead.
I remember two years ago, when a woman took my seat in the bus heading to Ogwashi-Uku from Asaba; I’d vacated the spot to go get some snacks. She refused to get up when I returned and asked politely for my seat. I angrily decided against taking the bus. And later, there was news of the bus being in an accident at the junction connecting Ibusa and the straight road that leads to Ogwashi-Uku, and how weirdly, only a woman died. I have begun trying to be more in control of my temper, ever since this incident happened.
I used to have a terrible headache that would last for weeks, during which time I’d be acting weird. I never get angry easily, and the two times I was really, really angry, I scared the people around me. The feeling I get to kill and the headaches have gotten intense on me, and those weird, scary dreams of my childhood are back. I dream of hurting people, and I wake up to that dark emotion slowly overpowering me.
There are so many things that I remember, so many things going on in my life that I cannot write, but which have started to fill me with fear of me. I’m fighting the feeling nevertheless, and I sincerely hope I won’t give in and do something horrible someday.
Please I need to know what I must do before the worst happens.
Submitted by McGray
About author
You might also like
Are You An LGBTQ Nigerian Living With HIV? I Would Love To Talk To You
Hello I am Leonard. And I am a freelance journalist who’s recently been commissioned to write for the Canadian magazine, Daily Extra. The magazine features works on LGBTQ+ people around
Dear KD: I Have a Bowel That Won’t Let Me Have Sex
Hello guys, I have a serious problem. Finally, a guy who I’ve been crushing on indicated interest in hooking up with me. But I cannot go to see him for
DEAR KD: I Am In Pain Over My Anal Warts
Good morning, fam. I stay in Lagos and I am HIV positive. I found out about my status in April. However, this so happens to be the least of my
58 Comments
ken
August 06, 07:41U sound like a sociopath, with a sprinkling of schizophrenia. What you need is a psychiatrist and mental health professional.
I dont really believe in superstitions, but you might also want to add a strong man of God (preferably from MFM) on your list.
Best of luck!
kacee
August 06, 08:03Ooooooooo this is some scary sh*t, emmm i don’t really know, brother PP has all the answers lol.
Max
August 06, 08:03I use to have locks too. So it has nothing to do with your inner demons.
I think you’re a latent gay sociopath. What you need is a good psychiatrist. Even though I don’t believe in superstition, but those examples you gave are quite compelling.
Masked Man
August 06, 08:19Trying to imagine how you’d look if you still had your locks on.
Max
August 06, 08:52Lol. Dont let the devil use you.
Masked Man
August 06, 09:03Oh Max, the photos I have just imagined of you with a full wig of locks on. Shiiii!!!
Lemme shut up first.
Mandy
August 06, 08:04There is truly darkness in you, mcGray. Reading this would make any new acquaintance in your life very very wary. lol
Masked Man
August 06, 08:18There’s nothing wrong with you.
It’s all in your head.
Clear your head.
Francis
August 06, 08:20Over to Sensei. Bros carry yourself reach YabaLeft before this thing turn into something else. And here I was thinking I had mental issues.
P.S: This na the kain powers wey my alter ego dey crave for.
Max
August 06, 08:56I thought I had powers too. My alter ego is power hungry. I thought I was the one who caused the rain to fall whenever I wanted to. I thought I had the power to bend men to my will. This was all when I was younger. The only power I was still trying to get was telekinesis. But as much as I tried, it never worked.
Then secondary school came, after receiving few beatings from bullying etc, I toughened up and snapped out of it.
Francis
August 06, 09:13Lol. I still wish I had them. So many pipu wey don do me bad thing wey I wàn teach small lesson obanje style. Also if I had the powers, I go fly commot closet in more than rainbow colors. Talk shit to me and get hexed for life. Lmao
Max
August 06, 09:24Hahahaha
#Chestnut
August 06, 08:31Wow Mcgray, dis is some deep ish! I’m not an overly superstitious person,but I do know that “forces” exist. if d instances u mentioned (seeing phantom children at d stream, senior’s swollen hand, bus conductor’s broken bones, passenger’s death) aren’t just creepy co-incidences, then I don’t think it’s just a case of being a “sociopath” or “schizophrenic”… I don’t even know what to say…pray. And try to channel ur thoughts towards good deeds; I mean,if u can make bad things happen with ur mind; surely u might be able to make good things happen too,right? Let me give u an assignment: focus ur mental energy on something positive -say, a car or a million bucks or a night with Flavour- for a week; if any of these things happen,then u, sir, are THE REAL MVP! Hehe…#OkBye (don’t hex me o biko,na joke)
Tangie Bloom
May 04, 19:37Damn please focus on these for me. I’l take the night with Flavour first. I’d sell my soul for a night with Flavour! haha
masonkz
August 06, 08:56Like someone pointed out….it’s all in your head. Heck, I used to hear voices as a kid also…despite being alone in the house at night sometimes.
I wouldn’t trust a Nigerian shrink, as they might as well go all religious on you.
Meanwhile, are there also other times that people have gotten you angry and gotten away with whatever it is they did?
Kristopher
August 06, 09:45Emmm…. Is this Masonkz, Defender of all Nigerian gay men living r dead frim Nairaland? The one who’s wisdom is as untouched as the pristine waters if a Muslim virgin *side eyes* #Welcome to KD Big Bro.. I have huge crush on you. Pinky, I can’t see what i’m typing. The typing area is black.
masonkz
August 06, 10:16LMFAO!!! You got me rolling with laughter bro. Yea it’s me. Lol. Didn’t know Nairaland peeps were here too. Oh well, thanks.
Pink Panther
August 06, 10:22A celebrity in our midst! 😀
masonkz
August 06, 12:37Lol we both know who the celebrity here is :p
Pink Panther
August 06, 12:54Lol. There are celebrities and there are celebrities. And anyone who’s transitioned from Nairaland LGBT championship is mosdef an A-lister. 😀
masonkz
August 06, 17:44Now I’m honoured here. *tears* lol
Perez
August 06, 17:16You wouldn’t trust a Nigerian shrink….
Heck, you’ve never met one.
Psychiatry is a studied profession.., not just a feel-good activity for everyone. If you have no idea about a thing, don’t go castigating it…
Well, what am I saying, isn’t that what virtually every commenter on KD is fond of doing.?
masonkz
August 06, 17:46Oh I’m sorry Perez….I guess that came out wrong. That comment came as a result of an experience a friend had with a so-called shrink. I just hate it when religion is used in explaining stuffs that can actually be explained otherwise.
My bad, please.
ronniephoenix
August 06, 09:07i do not believe in superstitions. I would advise u see a therapist, take it from someone who has a mental illness.
sinnex
August 06, 09:19*singing* “I love to see people cry, I love to see people die. My mother did this to me. I am a evil genius”.
Chisos! No wonder bad things have been happening to me lately. Max too! Kai, I don die. I have been wondering why I have been experiencing series of unfortunate events.
Well, since you admit that you have a problem, you need to go for deliverance. You cannot take this issue with a pinch of salt. A Psychiatrist can’t help you. You have a marine spirit inside of you that causes pain and sorrow to those arrow you.
Lemme start the prayers, Every marine spirit in the life of McGray, before I close and open my eyes, I command you by fire by force, DIE DIE DIE DIE in the mighty name of Jesus.
You can continue praying it every night by 12-3. Believe you me, your life will never remain the same again.
Tiercel de Claron
August 06, 10:22Demons and spirits don’t die,so all that die by fire prayers are useless.
Just saying.
Kristopher
August 06, 09:37McGray. Bro I think you need to see a shrink. I used to have a friend that was just like you. He tells me everything and has once demonstrated this his “mystic powers,” making me realize there are truly things we can’t comprehend.
However, these forces sometimes come for the guy. He spent close to two years after our graduation for matters he couldn’t explain. Results and final CGPA were released, but he kept having issues with not being mobilized for service and inexplicable misfortunes of that nature… Did I mention he also had headaches that makes him go kinda “insane”… Above anything, you have to toe a positive line, have a good friend/confidant n see a shrink…
Django
August 06, 10:06Anyone here heard of the medical term “Bipolar Disorder”? Bipolar get levels, no be only when you flush pot of soup down your toilet, hang a cat to the fan or kill person o… McGray, prayers can’t help you. A psychiatrist would. Take from someone who knows.
kacee
August 06, 11:01Django i’ve missed u, i hope ur PPA isn’t draining u.
Django
August 06, 13:38I practically do nothing in that PPA, even the idleness and monotony is driving me crazy, how much more ‘the no salary or incentives for corp members’ policy in the whole ministry.
I’m fine dear, at least I get to take my GMAT and SHL textbooks along.
Hope you’re good too?
ambivalentone
August 06, 10:07Errr….McGray, have we crossed paths on KD b4? Forgive me o! I was only trying to make points. Nothing personal
But seriously!!! Being happy at ppl’s misfortune *looks at u one kain* I cry buckets pass victim sef
Tiercel de Claron
August 06, 10:26This is Bipolar Disorder,I believe.Prayers and therapy are what you need,McGray.
Having said that,I also know some powers do exist,but they’re nothing God can’t handle.
Take it all to God in prayer,earnest prayer.Also,see a psychiatrist
Kaytee
August 06, 10:51hmmm…. i think you need Jesus… like seriously
JustJames
August 06, 10:59This might be a series of perfectly timed coincidences or whatever but I do know it’s not bipolar disorder. Being Bipolar means you go from being happy to sad very fast and very immensely… Not being happy to hear that people died. I would have said autism but Errrr I’m not a psychiatrist. I really doubt anybody here can help you though McGray.. You’d need a lot of probing and questioning to reach a diagnosis and tests to ensure that all the misfortunes just haven’t been coincidences and whether you’d need meds or therapy to quell your desires to cause pain to people.
Rukky
July 06, 12:50Don’t get too worried about it, just learn delibrate control over your emotions. There is absolutely nothing you can do about your uniqueness so just think about better control of your emotions in the future.
Khaleesi
August 06, 11:02haaa… This is some scary shit! Now am quaking in my knee length Cavalli boots … Am not really superstitious, but things dey this world sha …
McGray
August 06, 11:34Hey guys thanks a lot. Max, Mandy (i saw wat u did in ur ist comment) and the rest be ready for my hex spell coming, did i say in a jiffy? Lol. Sinnex ain’t u welcomed in my jokey party? *shaking with anointing*. Max u knw u won’t look bad wearing dat deadlock. Buhahahahahahahaha
Olly Goes
August 06, 12:20You are a witch. Marine spirit. If u are comfy with it like they are in Prof Xavier’s school of mutants, see if u can direct your powers for good. Eg consider torturing Kitoers. Like Batman tortures criminals in Gotham. Relocate to Asaba. If on the other hand u are uncomfortable with your powers, go to a genuine MOG maybe at MFM or Deeper Life and get exorcism. Please don’t go to TBJoshua.
Brown Stallion
August 06, 12:33TB Joshua to the Rescue!
Dennis Macaulay
August 06, 13:25Me I need these powers biko!
It will work on ex’s who cheated on you ba? If I think of them long enough with evil thoughts they slip on engine oil and hit their heads on the car they are fixing ba?
Khaleesi
August 06, 13:31LMAO … Dennis, you’d really wish all this for the former Mrs M? chaiii, you’re sooo mean!!
Dennis Macaulay
August 06, 13:54Nooooo I am asking for a friend
Pink Panther
August 06, 14:18Hahahahaa! Dennis, your heart is tarred with coal!
Teflondon
August 06, 14:29I would have said ‘Date Me’ and all your problems would be solved.. as i know how to handle Guys like you. I found something attractive about you earlier on KD and wanted to get to know you. i have a gift of reading people through their comments, Monicker, reasoning Etc. i knew there was something intriguing about you, something Evil if you like and i found it attractive, way before this your piece today i knew all this even tho i do not know you personally. i mentioned here earlier, i think last week; my fascination for evil people. you fall mildly into this category, esp with the details revealed today.
however, as i noticed your fondness towards Max or crush if you like. i am no longer interested.
Pink Panther
August 06, 14:39Hahahahahahahaa! But Max is evil too nah. Shouldn’t including him make for a satisfying threesome?
Chuck
August 06, 18:11Lol this one is a joker. Look at your choices. You think you’re not responsible for being thrown in jail? You fetishize evil/damaged people? You also need therapy. Madness all around.
Justin Case
August 06, 15:09What should you do? The obvious……
DESTROY EVERYTHING !!!!!!!!!!!
sensei
August 06, 17:14You are not mentally ill. But I would really really like to chat with you. There are things I cannot say here and would like to tell you in person.
Cheers!
Zephallon
August 07, 14:10Seems you’re in tune with your consciousness
Chuck
August 07, 15:57He is clearly mentally ill. Attacking people,believing he’s cursing people – He’s crazy.
posh6666
August 06, 18:55I believe in terrestial forces dont kear what anybody in here has to say ur knowledge is limited to ur experience and places u have been and kind of people u have mixed with in real life no need for me to expantiate on that.They actually do exist!most people feel its cool to say oh pls its just superstition or due to being educated they feel thats kinda mediocre whatever.If u actually believe d devil does exist and also God then why would u doubt such stories?From my own Quran God created such terrestial forces to be a kind of whip for erring humans and to also improve ur faith.Dear Macgray if u aint comfortable with this part of u which some people actually wish they possess then its better to visit some really powerful and well known man of God to table this issue pls dont take it lightly dont wave it away sumtin is definitely wrong sumwer.
Andrevn
August 06, 22:24Hello McGray
You sound like my ex…
Are you a Granddad?
….And oh!, cool powers you got there.
Chuck
August 07, 16:28You were dating a grandfather? End time is here, as the Christians parrot.
Tyler Davis
August 07, 03:55Wow! Awesom! This is so so awesome. I wouldn’t say I am a superstitious person but I have an open mind. There are things in this world that we could never use our rational minds to explain and I think your case is one of them. Well personally I think you should wait it out. Wait and see when next something weird happens around you and pleeeaassee let us know. I do hope it’s somethings as cool as telepathy or telekinesis or yes yes *jumping excitedly* mind control (biko use the mind control wisely to get Trey Songz into your bed).
I wish I could trade places with you right now (except the headache part of course) ‘Cus Gawd knows i need to teach some people a lifelong lesson.
Zephallon
August 07, 14:09So sorry I’m just seeing this
You’re not alone as I happen to be an Intuitionist or as people call, Psychic.
You need not fear anymore, you only need a Guardian to help you channel the energy in you. You could do so much good with it. Besides, it’s not everyone that can channel the cosmic energy around them, talk more of controlling it.
If you wish to communicate further you can reach me through Zephallon@outlook.com
Shalom
bae
August 09, 01:01Drink two kegs of holy water and u shall be healed… …. In cheesus name!!!!!
handle
August 11, 00:22Guys, come on! I remember stuffs like this when I was a young boy too. And thought I had direct connection to unexplainable things hat happened around me. Only difference was I grew out of it. Think off all the times you wished something really bad would happen to someone or they should just die but nothing happened. Yeah. Get out of your head. Nothing is wrong with you, you just choose to see things this way.
Tangie Bloom
May 04, 19:32Bro, can you get to a shrink? I think you need to see one. They can help with these fears that you have.
At least have somebody you can confide in about them.