DIARY OF A GAY NIGERIAN IN THE UK (Entry 3)

Time Wasters, Fuck Off!

One of the really annoying things about the Grindr scene over here in the UK is how often you encounter those who waste your time in your endeavour to find someone to hook up with.

In the beginning, I would see texts on Grindr profiles reading “Time wasters, move to the next profile” or “No time wasters please”. And I never really understood why these people were so particular to the point of commenting on time wasters. I mean, in Nigeria, there were people I never met in reality, because they only seemed to want to chat. Back then, I felt like this was an absolute waste of my time, because I was on Grindr looking to get fucked, not because I wanted to have a conversation. I have friends for that. This was what being a time waster on Grindr meant to me.

However, I was in for a shocker – or two.

The first one happened during my first three weeks here. The konji was great because I had not had any sex in the time I’d been here and I was beginning to get desperate. So, I felt a sense of joy when this dude (let us call him Jack) chatted me up. Let me start by saying I do not mince any words when I say, “E NO GO BETTER FOR JACK!!!” – Because I still feel fresh anger every time I remember what this guy did.

Jack had chatted me up and shortly after the regular ARL small talk, we exchange nudes. This man saw pictures of my ass and started showering various forms of compliments on me. He went on and on about what he was going to do to me and told me all the positions he was going to put me in. He promised me multiple rounds of sex and even went as far as boasting that before he was through with me, I’d be begging him to stop.

As someone who has always believed that a sign of good knacks is barely being able to stand – let alone walk – in the first few minutes after sex, you can imagine the excitement and anticipation that filled my heart after all these affirmations from Jack. I am not such a fan of sexting, but I’d be putting it lightly if I said that I would have been able to wank and cum from the licentiousness of our chatversation.

He asked me if I could come over immediately, and I told him I would need a few hours because I had barely woken up from sleep. However, he begged me to come ASAP because he could not wait to do naughty and unprintable things to me. It was as if he had fanned the embers of the flames of my konji because, I agreed, got up at once and went to get ready.

I quickly showered and douched and prepared for this sexual conquest, while I looked forward to relieving myself of this konji that had become life-threatening at that point.

I was still new in the UK, and so, I still had some pocket money. Because of this, I didn’t really consider the gravity of entering a £15 cab. In retrospect, if I had converted to naira with the ₦735 to £1 black market exchange rate at the time, maybe I would have had a rethink. But then again, Jack was Latino – at least, the face picture he sent was that of a Latino – and the dick pic he sent was super veiny and very sizeable, the type that is capable of hitting all the places that really matter. So, there was no room for me to contemplate the cost of getting on an uber.

And so, in less than an hour after I got up from bed, I was on my way to go see Jack.

You know how people say that there are usually signs when a hookup is going to hell, well, I think this is true. When my cab pulled up outside my place, I messaged Jack to tell him that I was on my way. And to my shock, he replied, “Oh, you want to meet now?”

In my mind, I was like, ‘Is this play? What type of playing is this?’

We’d just had a conversation where oga begged me to come ASAP, and we had agreed I’d be on my way shortly. So, what was this response he was giving me!

This should have been enough for me to just cancel the ride and go have a date with my left hand. But no. I got into the cab and replied his message, reminding him of our conversation earlier and telling him that I was on my way anyway. He replied, “Okay.” And that was it. I kept him updated as I got closer and closer to his place.

When I was a few blocks away, he confirmed his house number and told me to press the bell when I get to his door. I felt so giddy with mounting excitement as I made my way through his garden to the front porch and went on to ring the bell. I was consumed with thoughts of the impending fulfilment of the promises he made. I was smiling with intense lust and my being was filled with unholy joy.

I pressed the bell again when I realised that he had not responded. Then I pressed the bell a third time. It was almost four minutes of standing at his door, and I was trying not to catch a cold because I had left the house without my jacket. As a JJC, I was already beginning to feel the cold in my soul.

I tried calling him. Five times, and he didn’t answer.

His Grindr profile was showing green, an indication that he was online. I tapped him and messaged him. I got the notification that he viewed my profile a minute ago. And still, no response from him.

I kept pressing the bell and calling his phone. No response.

My dear brethren, that is how I stood there, outside in the freezing cold, for a good TWENTY MINUTES!!! Just right outside there at his door!

I didn’t need anybody to tell me to order a ride back home before I turned to ice block on somebody’s porch. You see why I said, “E NO GO BETTER FOR JACK!” I sent messages to him of how he was a terrible and inconsiderate human being. I told him that he would meet disappointment a 100 fold worse than this (Yes!!! The Nigerian in me had was swearing for him). I typed furiously, letting him know how much of a useless person he was on my £15 ride back home.

He later messaged me on WhatsApp with some stupid apology about how he was no longer interested and how his house was a mess, which was why he did not open the door.

IMAGINE THE NONSENSE!!!

I responded by raining some more curses on him, before going ahead to block him.

Two months later, when I was more money conscious, I had another similar experience. The difference this time was that I took a 35-minute walk to the person’s house, only for him to block me on Grindr and WhatsApp when I was barely five minutes away from his house.

THIRTY FIVE MINUTES SPENT TREKKING – just to be rewarded with a block!

And you think Sango and Amadioha will not combine forces to strike these muthafuckers down.

It was after this second experience that I also added “Time wasters, fuck off!!!” to my Grindr bio. I also started making sure that if it required paying for a trip, that they order the ride. That way, you stand me up, you lose money. And if the hookup required me to walk to your place, it wouldn’t be more than a 15-minute walk at my convenience.

They say, “Once beaten, twice shy.” Sadly, in my case, preventing a third occurrence has proven to be the real charm.

*

PS: Here is a video of porn star, Roxas Caelum, venting about an unfortunate soul who wasted his time. Just imagine.

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Written by Bryan Peters