DO NOT BE “THE OTHER MAN”
In my lifetime, guys who are already in relationships coming on to me has become a thing.
Lately, I met ruggedly handsome Paul on Grindr (I’d later come to know that we had previously, some two months back, chatted on Tinder). He started the conversation and we got to find out that we actually stay very close to each other. He was upfront about the fact that he was in a relationship, I’ll give him that. According to him, my profile on Grindr pushed him to holler at me, seeing as he was looking to make some “sensible” friends. To be honest, I was a little ticked off by that. I mean, it’s Grindr and I’m there primarily for hookups. I do not want to meet with someone who’s quick to tell me he is in a relationship.
But I appreciated his honesty. I also appreciated his insistence and good looks. So, we fixed a day to meet.
On a Tuesday, which was a holiday, I met with him and his boyfriend. I have to say it felt a little awkward going to meet a new friend you connected with on a hookup site, and present in the meet is also the boyfriend he claims to be exclusive with.
So, what, really, are you doing on Grindr? I don’t buy into that rationalization gay men on Grindr often give that they’re just there to look for friends.
But okay.
So, Paul and his boyfriend, Nnanna, turned out to be really wonderful guys.
But…
Paul wouldn’t stop flirting with me!
It was so apparent. Even though I can be clueless with the flirtations of men toward me, my skull isn’t filled with tissue papers. At a point, I had to tell him to back off. It was just too much – the brushing of his hand against mine, the winking, the profusion of compliments.
And his boyfriend was there for chrissakes!
Nnanna, although he was visibly pissed, stayed commendably held together. No fits. No tantrums.
And then, there came the time when Paul stepped out briefly, affording me some alone moment with his boyfriend, and Nnanna said, “He told me where you both met. I guess I was more pissed off at the fact that I’ve never been on Grindr than at him being on Grindr and actually getting to meet someone from there. We are exclusive – or so he says anyway. And I want it to remain like that. But I can’t put my heart on the line. I have to not care or I’ll lose my mind.”
And they have been together for two years. I couldn’t believe this.
Look, call me whatever but I have a principle: I’ll NEVER go after a guy who is in a relationship or encourage his flirtation with me that may end up with me in his bed or him leaving his boyfriend for me. Most of my friends know this about me, even my female friends. Mimi says I’m being “too nice.” Geena says I’m just being “sanctimonious.” And maybe some of you will think the same. But I do not agree.
What’s the guarantee that the man who I make leave his boyfriend for me wouldn’t turn around and do the same to me when we become an item? I don’t believe for a second that I’m so special that I’ll be able to keep a man whose wandering eye brought us together. What I won’t like to be done to me, I try as humanly possible as I can, not to do to another.
In other words, MGMs, heterosexuals and queer guys in relationships are a no-no for me. Stick to your partners!
Paul chatted me up on Messenger a day after that meet and confirmed what I’d already feared when he asked that we play Truth or Dare, and in the process, revealed he was attracted to me and that he doesn’t know what to do about it.
I remember on that Tuesday, in the presence of his boyfriend, he kept on saying, “Is Delle not date material?”
Like what the fuck? Who says that to his boyfriend!
Truthfully, I’m physically attracted to Paul. The guy is a good drink of water. But I believe and I know that I can put a leash on my emotions. That’s what self-discipline is about.
I think that my major issue with venturing into a relationship is that innate fear that I just might end up with a guy like Paul. A guy like any of the plenty guys I know who are disrespectful with the concept of staying committed to the people they have made promises to.
When gay men bemoan the invalidity of gay relationships and wail about how society is to blame for why our relationships don’t last, I laugh. Relationships would last, with or without the influence of our society, if we paid better attention to them. If we did better, both those of us in it and those not in it. Just because you aren’t dating anyone doesn’t mean you should encourage the disrepair of another’s relationship, whether you know the other partner or not. Insofar as you know that the man who has piqued your interest is in a committed relationship, take a step back. We have more single people than paired-up ones in the community. It’s not enough to come out and lash words about how you don’t think gay people can have authentic relationships. What have you contributed to ensure that the ones you know of are lasting? Do you not see the irony of preaching the invalidity of gay relationships, when you are busy shagging someone else’s man?
We can do better.
Written by Delle
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20 Comments
Black Dynasty
December 14, 06:07100% agree.
My online profiles usually mention my disinterest in married/partnered men. I like my peace and I’m not trying to look for karma’s trouble… too many single men out there to be the side piece.
On another note, Nnana clearly knows his bf has wandering eyes and you are likely not the first he’s tried this on. Why stay? Why remain with him? Perhaps monogamy is not important….
trystham
December 14, 07:23Toh! We that fear karma, lerus gather one side for our selfie
Kainene
December 14, 08:32Your principles are bae. My respect for you is overflowing. Sanctimonious ke! I call it self respect. ❤️
Delle
December 14, 10:18❤
Canis VY Majoris
December 14, 12:05In time, everyone is the “other man or woman”.
The sooner you accept that the less complicated life becomes.
J
December 14, 12:30LOL don’t be a cum sack honey, I can see that you’ve given up already ???
I believe there are still few single and committed minded guys out there.
J
December 14, 12:33I’m one of them, so I can boost about it ?
Jinchuriki
December 14, 12:37Beleive J. There are still lots of single and “can commit, commited minded men out there. Don’t givie up.
Dimkpa
December 14, 13:31I understand your principle but I feel you have a limited view of relationships. Monogamy is not the only way to go. Even straight couples are exploring sex in other forms with other people. Swingers, cuckolding etc. Lots of gay people in marriages and relationships regularly have threesomes or separate encounters with others. The main issue is that both parties agree. Couples share everything, why not sexual fantasies and experiences they may not be able to give each other? In my opinion it makes them stronger.
I have seen a lot of gay relationships and they almost always become open either overtly or covertly. The best thing we can do is get real and stop chasing unicorns.
Francis
December 14, 14:06Unfortunately one party doesn’t agree but is too chicken to say anything about it probably out of fear of being alone, poor or whatever ?♂️?
Keredim
December 14, 16:17Spot on Dimpka.
Relationships can be committed and still be open, especially gay ones.
Point is, there is an agreement between those involved and whatever the agreement, it doesn’t devalue the essence of the relationship.
Black Dynasty
December 14, 22:34Very fair point, monogamy is not for everyone. But for those who want monogamy, it is not a limited view.
All you’ve mentioned only works when both partners agree on this. In most instances, this is not the case. One party expects monogamy and the other is sexually exploring outside the relationship without the knowledge of the first party.
I think people need to explore more and find out what works for them before deciding to settle down.
Delle
December 15, 11:59Exactly!
My grouse with Nnanna is in the fact that he is willing to absorb it all and let it slide. I mean, why?
Black Dynasty
December 16, 07:44IMO, it usually boils down to one or a combo of these:
1) self worth/confidence issues.
2) little self love (if you love yourself, you won’t allow that nonsense)
3) Afraid of being alone.
4) Financial security.
Delle
December 15, 08:19All of what Francis said.
I get what you’re saying, Dimkpa but that’s not the case here. I’ll he dumb not to know that communication is what’s Paramount in a relationship but unfortunately, Nnanna doesn’t want such thing. Did you read what he said to me the minute Paul stepped out? That’s his state of mind.
On that note, what Paul’s doing is not to be encouraged.
Justme
December 16, 10:18For me, sex without an emotional connection is totally unenjoyable, and is something to be avoided in the context of a relationship.I can’t imagine being in a relationship and having sex with other men without putting the emotional basis of the relationship in jeopardy. Yes, one man cannot fulfill all our sexual “fantasies” but to me, a big part of being in a relationship is sacrifice (for lack of a better word) and focus on your partner. Maybe you shouldn’t have your cake and eat it too.
I know that sounds prudish and old fashioned in the current gay universe of wanton sex enabled by PrEP, viagra and whatnot but please don’t shoot me ?.
mike
December 15, 01:12Well I think yhur mixing it up, the commitment thing, a commited relationship, could not allow for a third party. Yhur paul is not in a commited relationship, his in a OPEN relationship, open meaning yhu as a third party can come in.
On that note Delle, do go back to paul and get a good and shake, yhu no go carry belle in jesus name, ameen. unless what yhu really meant was, anyone in a RELATIONSHIP is a no go area, then yhur stance is valid.
Buh delle talk true sha, the real reason yhu don’t want to be the other man is because yhu think of the other man as LESS , at least less than the MAIN MAN, and yhu feel yhur worthy enough to have yhur own man.
Yhur fairytale is gonna take a longer time cause yhu want the real thing, delle sha try dey use Chinese fone till them release apple customised for yhu.
Delle
December 15, 12:04Your third paragraph reeks of confident presumptions and I know just how much you needed that to be the truth but it’s not. Please, you do not know me. Do not be typing things like you do.
That said, if that whole ‘…Chinese until Apple phone is made ready’ expression you used in your last paragraph implies I settle for less, umm sorry, I’m not buying. I won’t settle for less than I deserve.
Thanks ?.
Ussy
December 16, 17:02I suffered this same plague in my last relationship. Despite being committed to each other , his EX just couldn’t let us be even after a year together . It got so bad , his EX said he would be waiting for him when our relationship ends . It’s so sad.
Chiedu
January 01, 10:54Stop making boxes, okay?
You can be monogamous and committed, open and committed, married with children and bdsm swingers and committed. You can also be any of the above, and more, and NOT be committed. What works for you will probably not work for others, there is no path to a happy relationship. Acting like there are objective reasons the path you CHOSE is better than others’ is condescending and will only wind up limiting your understanding of what a relationship can be. Two people in a relationship don’t even necessarily have to have the same approach to sexual openness…as long as these differences are discussed and personal limits and boundaries are shared. And what are all these aspersions about people ‘staying for money’? Did they tell you that?
Being gay is supposed to remove the genteel restrictions of heteronormativity, not compound them.
PS. Happy New Year!