In my lifetime, guys who are already in relationships coming on to me has become a thing.
Lately, I met ruggedly handsome Paul on Grindr (I’d later come to know that we had previously, some two months back, chatted on Tinder). He started the conversation and we got to find out that we actually stay very close to each other. He was upfront about the fact that he was in a relationship, I’ll give him that. According to him, my profile on Grindr pushed him to holler at me, seeing as he was looking to make some “sensible” friends. To be honest, I was a little ticked off by that. I mean, it’s Grindr and I’m there primarily for hookups. I do not want to meet with someone who’s quick to tell me he is in a relationship.
But I appreciated his honesty. I also appreciated his insistence and good looks. So, we fixed a day to meet.
On a Tuesday, which was a holiday, I met with him and his boyfriend. I have to say it felt a little awkward going to meet a new friend you connected with on a hookup site, and present in the meet is also the boyfriend he claims to be exclusive with.
So, what, really, are you doing on Grindr? I don’t buy into that rationalization gay men on Grindr often give that they’re just there to look for friends.
So, Paul and his boyfriend, Nnanna, turned out to be really wonderful guys.
Paul wouldn’t stop flirting with me!
It was so apparent. Even though I can be clueless with the flirtations of men toward me, my skull isn’t filled with tissue papers. At a point, I had to tell him to back off. It was just too much – the brushing of his hand against mine, the winking, the profusion of compliments.
And his boyfriend was there for chrissakes!
Nnanna, although he was visibly pissed, stayed commendably held together. No fits. No tantrums.
And then, there came the time when Paul stepped out briefly, affording me some alone moment with his boyfriend, and Nnanna said, “He told me where you both met. I guess I was more pissed off at the fact that I’ve never been on Grindr than at him being on Grindr and actually getting to meet someone from there. We are exclusive – or so he says anyway. And I want it to remain like that. But I can’t put my heart on the line. I have to not care or I’ll lose my mind.”
And they have been together for two years. I couldn’t believe this.
Look, call me whatever but I have a principle: I’ll NEVER go after a guy who is in a relationship or encourage his flirtation with me that may end up with me in his bed or him leaving his boyfriend for me. Most of my friends know this about me, even my female friends. Mimi says I’m being “too nice.” Geena says I’m just being “sanctimonious.” And maybe some of you will think the same. But I do not agree.
What’s the guarantee that the man who I make leave his boyfriend for me wouldn’t turn around and do the same to me when we become an item? I don’t believe for a second that I’m so special that I’ll be able to keep a man whose wandering eye brought us together. What I won’t like to be done to me, I try as humanly possible as I can, not to do to another.
In other words, MGMs, heterosexuals and queer guys in relationships are a no-no for me. Stick to your partners!
Paul chatted me up on Messenger a day after that meet and confirmed what I’d already feared when he asked that we play Truth or Dare, and in the process, revealed he was attracted to me and that he doesn’t know what to do about it.
I remember on that Tuesday, in the presence of his boyfriend, he kept on saying, “Is Delle not date material?”
Like what the fuck? Who says that to his boyfriend!
Truthfully, I’m physically attracted to Paul. The guy is a good drink of water. But I believe and I know that I can put a leash on my emotions. That’s what self-discipline is about.
I think that my major issue with venturing into a relationship is that innate fear that I just might end up with a guy like Paul. A guy like any of the plenty guys I know who are disrespectful with the concept of staying committed to the people they have made promises to.
When gay men bemoan the invalidity of gay relationships and wail about how society is to blame for why our relationships don’t last, I laugh. Relationships would last, with or without the influence of our society, if we paid better attention to them. If we did better, both those of us in it and those not in it. Just because you aren’t dating anyone doesn’t mean you should encourage the disrepair of another’s relationship, whether you know the other partner or not. Insofar as you know that the man who has piqued your interest is in a committed relationship, take a step back. We have more single people than paired-up ones in the community. It’s not enough to come out and lash words about how you don’t think gay people can have authentic relationships. What have you contributed to ensure that the ones you know of are lasting? Do you not see the irony of preaching the invalidity of gay relationships, when you are busy shagging someone else’s man?
We can do better.
Written by Delle