Previously on Don’t Call Me Biggie


As we walked to Dayo’s car, multiple emotions ran through my head.

I am a Single Pringle that prays to God – Yes, God! He created me like this and has a duty to help me through this life, worse still Nigeria – so, I pray to Him to find me a partner. But here I was, feeling deep disdain and anger for this man who I’d initially warmed up to. How could one person be so cool and yet so infuriating at the same time? I was fuming so much, I was already in my head, berating him. Like, oga, owu di gini sef? Ara o na-acha gi?!

Soon, we were ensconced inside his car, a big Jeep that was feeling so small right now. I turned and looked straight at him.

He was starting to say, “Rex, I can explain…” the same time I went off with, “DAYO, ARE YOU MAD!”

My rage took precedence as I steamrolled over his words. “ARE YOU A PSYCHO?! EXPLAIN NNE GI NA NNA GI THERE! DAYO, MY GOD WILL PUNISH YOU!”

I was still raging when he turned to the wheel and started the car, engaged the gear and pulled out of the church’s parking lot. He drove out of the estate where our church is located and then stopped on the side of the road.

He turned then to me and said, “Rex, I’m sorry.”

I wasn’t having it, but I was finished with my insults. So I stayed mum.

“I didn’t know what I was doing,” he was still talking. “I’m so into you and I can’t control it. Even though I’m quite sure that I’m not into fat people… See eh, Biggie…”


Did this guy just call me “fat people”? Did he just address me with the name “Biggie”?

I had that split-second phenomenon where I deep-dived into my past, to all those fights I got into with people who called me Biggie. Back then when any teacher who dared to call me Biggie would get a nickname from me that would stay with them for generations after: Mr. Isinkwocha (for his bald head), Miss El-bii (for her amputated elbow), Mrs. Kiparing (short for “keep a ring”, for a never-ending engagement that lasted all of my junior secondary school days).

I’d always say, “DON’T CALL ME BIGGIE AGAIN! I AM REXMOND!” But Nigerians have coconut heads.

So sitting in that car, listening to this guy worsen his situation, I was almost in panic attack mode. Since graduating Secondary School, nobody had ever called me Biggie, and it had become a good thing, a welcome thing. I may be plus-sized, but I didn’t need the mean reminder of my size from insensitive people. To suddenly hear Dayo call me that was jarring, threw me back to all those insecurities I felt when I was in secondary school, fighting back at the bullies.

I was breathing fast and feeling suffocated in the car. Desperately needing air, I threw open the car door and tumbled away from that close proximity with Dayo. I fled to a nearby shop, that was of course closed for Sunday, and sat down on the bench in its verandah, and began taking deep breaths to calm myself down.

Dayo came down after me, and with concern on his face, said, “Biggie, what’s the matter? Are you okay?”

Hian! Did this guy have a brain aneurysm and suddenly forget my name? What is with all this Biggie shit bikonu?

With the last sliver of self control in me, I asked him to leave my sight and lose my number as soon as possible.

He stared at me, saw the darkness in my eyes, and without arguing, he turned and left.

I got a Bolt ride back home, went straight to bed and slept off. A few hours later, I woke up to 43 missed calls from Dayo and tons of WhatsApp messages from Frank.

So he was still playing this double personality game.

I checked out Frank’s messages. He was like, “Dayo just told me what happened, and he knows I’m the only one that can at least get an explanation from you. He is so sick and confused.”

I burst out into laughter.

Oh Dayo, you really are sick and confused.

I have continued to play this game with him, talking to Frank as if I don’t know it’s Dayo I’m actually talking to. And this is just the beginning. We shall get to all of Dayo’s shit later –

But now, let’s talk about Maxwell for a moment, shall we?


Written by Rex

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  1. King
    April 22, 09:38 Reply

    Pls Ray continue this story. Abeg I can’t wait for the next one

  2. Mikkiyfab
    April 22, 09:58 Reply

    I don’t know, but sometimes communication is key. A proper communication and understanding is quiet important. Rex needs to explain to Dayo, about do’s and don’t of consequential actions. Get mad at him but still communicate. I doubt you guys have really talked in the past except for lunch, drives and Netflix activities. The problem surly started with communication and still on going with communication.

    As for The next story, why does it have to be a Maxwell 😅 please na do don’t this to me 😞🤣 Maxwells are sweet loving people.

    • Rex
      April 26, 19:58 Reply

      True though but sometimes we can’t help emotions that overwhelm us… We’ll see as the story comes in

  3. Fred
    April 22, 23:33 Reply to testify too.
    I want to thank KD for not waiting months before posting something new. I also thank God for bringing Rex to my rescue because what is checking on KD daily only to see “this account had expired” or no new posts?
    To God be the glory

  4. Ken
    April 23, 07:05 Reply

    People who are used to being complimented or at least not body shamed may not understand this story properly. You should never ever call someone you care about “fat” or “big” or “plus-sized”. They have mirrors for that. Infact, when it comes to physical attributes, if u are not paying a compliment to you loved one, just shut up!

  5. Pie
    April 24, 21:23 Reply

    You both have personality issues. Nevertheless, can’t wait for the next installment.

    • Rex
      April 26, 19:57 Reply

      Pie pie pie … Hollup… What’s with the negative comments…calm down and read… This isn’t a therapy session.

  6. good ade
    May 07, 17:02 Reply

    Rex you tried. i like the igbo thing going on. giving me steve chuks personality 😉

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