DON’T CALL ME BIGGIE (Episode 3)
Man: Maxwell
Location: Uyo
Situation: National Youth Service
Wahala: Everything
Maxwell: Handsome, tall, chocolate-skinned, gap-toothed, a gym rat, nice punk hair style, nice outfits –
But absolutely JOBLESS! Jobless as in outrightly refusing to work, because “I’m a spec and I should be taken care of.”
I met Max at a gym I registered in around my Ewet Housing Estate residence. During my youth service in Uyo, I was living and running my business in Lagos. I was making frequent trips back and forth between Uyo and Lagos. So that means that this story was occurring concurrently with that of Dayo, although, at the time I met Maxwell, things between Dayo and I hadn’t gotten intense yet.
So yeah, back to Maxwell and the gym… After deceiving myself for 35 minutes and 12 seconds, I felt eyes on me. I had felt the stare for quite some time now, and this time, I decided to locate who the owner of the stare was. And that was when our eyes met, and from there, I went on to size up the perfect beauty that was this man.
Lord God Almighty!
Then he winked.
Kai! Chineke mee! Pikin FINE no be small!
When I was done with my workout session and started taking photos, Mr. Fine Guy walked up to me. I could see him approach through the mirror.
“Thirty minutes is not a bad time,” his voice rumbled behind me, “but I can help you last longer.”
His grin made me realise that that pun was very intended.
My breath caught, because I didn’t see this coming. What was this gorgeous man doing talking to me?
True to his word, Max was a darling…
Well, until he wasn’t.
During the first few days of our budding friendship, he was kind and caring, always calling to check up on me and all that jazz. Somehow the conversation about homosexuality came up through our love for Sam Smith, and then we figured out each other, and one thing led to another and we were shagging and fancying ourselves to be fuck buddies.
Then those first few weeks passed, and the switch was turned. It started with Max coming to the gym one day with a sullen face. After our session, I tried to find out what the matter was (as per the caring wiffey that I was), but he wouldn’t say. It wasn’t until we were about to leave that he was like, “Babe, I really don’t want to bother you because I know you’ve got a lot on your plate and all. But since you’ve been insisting on knowing, well, my DStv has expired and I really need it to be on so I can follow my matches, and in turn follow up my bets, which will in turn give me money to take care of you.”
Wow. I was shook. But hey, shey na me wan sabi. So, I asked how much it’d cost to renew his DStv subscription.
Baba said, “25k.”
AHHH! DStv what abeg? You no get money, but you dey watch DStv! Whatever happened to Star Times and GOtv, and all those subscriptions that offer church channels that you can watch so you can have small sense?!
I was incensed, but I didn’t voice my objections. Instead, I gave him 10 thousand naira, swearing to myself that I would never be suckered like this again.
A week later, Baba squeeze face come gym again. LMAO! I was more than ready this time. I ignored him until we are about to leave, and then he was like, “So you won’t ask me what the matter is, abi? Is it every day you see me in this mood?”
I calmly asked then, “What’s wrong?”
This time, it was his mother who was sick and just about to die if she doesn’t take her drugs which would cost 15 thousand naira. I was touched. But my bank account wasn’t. I could only offer “Eiyah”, and we walked out of the gym. He continued hissing and sighing and maintaining a sullen countenance, but I was determined to not be played.
Eventually, he turned to me and said, “Rex, please loan me 20k. I swear I’ll pay you back.”
I almost burst out into laughter. Loan?! To pay back from where exactly?! This one that has no job and doesn’t want to get one!
“Where will you get the money to pay me back?” I queried.
He begged and begged, insisting that he would find a way to pay back the loan. I didn’t believe him for one second, but I relented enough to give him 10 thousand naira. I wasn’t expecting to get it back.
And I didn’t.
Then I started becoming close friends with Dayo, and on the times when I was in Uyo, we would engage in lots of video calls and long conversations and serious texting. Max noticed this and asked about the nature of our relationship. He sounded jealous, which I found odd, considering that we weren’t dating. As far as I knew, we were fuck buddies.
“I don’t understand your behaviour,” I responded during one of his queries. “I thought you said this is a game to you, that you can’t take it serious, that you are not the dating type. Why are you acting salty over what I’ve got going on with this other guy?” I mean, Dayo and I were just friends, but it was interesting to see Maxwell react like this to the notion of me getting it on with another guy, when he’d been so clear in the past that he doesn’t commit to relationships with guys.
He got upset at this. He began complaining about how I wasn’t caring anymore, and how when he said those things he said about relationships, he was testing me to know how committed I would be in making him fall for me.
I stood there, staring at this bald-faced display of narcissism in shock.
But he wasn’t finished.
“The main reason I was even with you, Rex,” he continued with a sneer, “is because I thought I wouldn’t have competition, seeing as fat people are not hot cake.”
WHAT!
“You should be doing everything in your power to keep me,” he went on, “because you don’t know how many guys that are in my DM hustling me, and I’m here doing you a favour.”
AH! REXMOND ODIMEGWU, YOU HAVE REALLY SUFFERED!
Several emotions roiled inside me: rage, sadness, hurt. I stared at this man and I saw his beauty for what it was: a mask hiding the very ugly person within.
With a calmness I didn’t feel, I said quietly, “Well, dear Maxwell, as you can see, someone is also hustling me too. And he is not happy that I have been distracted by you. So, bye-bye and feel free to follow those that are hustling you.”
And that was how we became done.
Uyo taught me a lot of lessons, and I will tell you guys all about them, like the lesson from Etim Udoh. But that is gist for another episode.
But for now, let us get back to Dayo also-known-as Frank.
*
So, two weeks after that church incident, after Dayo called me Biggie and I all but broke things off with him, I got a frantic call from the pastor. You know, that pastor who called us together to reconcile us.
Well, he called and his words were, “Rex, rush to my house now!”
It sounded urgent enough to make me leave everything I was doing and head on over to his house, only for me to get inside to see Dayo seated in the living room.
I immediately panicked within me. Ah, Dayo, you want to kill me? What on earth have you said now?
The pastor saw the look on my face and said, “Rex, calm down. I know everything. Even though it’s not alright by God, it’s alright by me.”
And just then, Brother Ebenezer, our choir director, emerged from inside into the parlour, wearing nothing but his boxers.
Jesus, take the wheel!
Written by Rex
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22 Comments
Emrys_
May 15, 09:00Lol, What a twist. I once and still have a fetish for body builders, but with emphasis on the “AVERAGELY/ ATHLETIC BUILT” dark skin guys, not all those hefty looking guys like aliens, nah 😏😚. But I am a million percent sure to do what you exactly did. I just don’t take any ounce of disrespect even from myself lightly. I mean how can a grown ass man be solely dependent on other people fgs. Very proud of you 😘. And lastly, I couldn’t wait to hear about the sexcapade/sexperience sequence of the pastor and choir director and Dayo altogether, Lmao 🤭😅😂
Mi corazon
May 15, 10:27🥰🥰
Liman
May 15, 11:42Wait, what??
trystham
May 15, 12:14Ooooooooh Lawd!!! What IS going on here?
Precious Oraz
May 15, 12:15“The main reason I was even with you, Rex,” he continued with a sneer, “is because I thought I wouldn’t have competition, seeing as fat people are not hot cake.”
Na here I for dash am one hot slap, send am out of my house, na ala adịghị apụ ya! Ịhụkwa m nonsense??
Atụrụ ibiriachi that doesn’t want to be useful to himself is coming to call onye nwere the ego ọ na-achọ “not hot cake.” Kitikpa lachakwa ya ọnụ nga ahụ. Audacity ya ahụ kugbuo ya dia!
Pink Panther
May 15, 12:17🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Igbo is sha sweet when you’re swearing for somebody.
Rex
May 17, 01:59Nna meeeeeeen…. I was to beside myself to even think!!!!
And certain things can only be expressed in our language
SwanDragon
May 15, 13:16Typical case of Nigerian men
Ken
May 15, 14:09Eventhou it’s infuriating, I truly cannot feel disappointed with max, bacause it’s what the community has bred him to be.
While calling someone fat and feeling like you are doing him “a favour” is distateful and downright rude, I also know it’s just the reality of the gay community. It’s a sex and beauty-obssessed community where 90% of relationships are based on looks and sex appeal. It’s just the way it is.
Despite the above tho, it’s not an excuse to be stupid and greedy.
Fred
May 15, 14:16Jesus take the wheel?
Where is this going?
Lil Nas X had donated a stripper pole and i can’t wait to slide down.
RichieMichie
May 15, 14:18Jesus truly take this wheel, because 😂😂😂
I like how u are emotional strong and resolute. If it were me I’d have kept giving people like Maxwell that are emotionally manipulative to exploit even though I know it’s what they’re doing. It takes them doing something really awful before I finally break away from them.
Rex
May 17, 02:01My dear you must be rich and famous because it can’t be me….
Loki
May 15, 14:23The body shaming is not just restricted to the queer community at all. Everybody dey collect on a regular even though it is not meant to be so. Idiots like Max are what the society not just he queer community has bred them to be. Giving them this foolish and false sense of entitlement.
However Rex bia here, do my senses deceive me or do i smell something hot, steamy and cummy just happened in pastors house???😯😯😯😯😯😯
Rexxy
May 23, 12:18Never say never darling
Lex
May 15, 16:56You see bodybuilders ehn, they are leeches. Whenever one walks up to you my dear run for your dear life…..
Red pepper
May 16, 13:29Stop leaving us in so much suspense… please can you just finish the stor¥🥲🥺
Hoyeh
May 16, 16:53My ovaries! What the hell on earth is going on here….. Oya God come and take the wheels ni tòótọ́ and drive this motor to a calamity destination. 😂😂😂😂
Pie
May 22, 06:59You gave him money and you still think you’re smart? ok.
Rexxy
May 23, 12:13Mr. Pie, you’re really a sad person, you need help sha but I’ll just say this and will leave you to your foolly, He asked for a cash and I could afford it multiple times why would I not give especially when I was well guided and was within enough consciousness to know that he was probably just cash trapped and since I still had a little fondness u could obliged, whatever the amount didn’t shake my jacket and it shouldn’t bother you either Mr. Smart Pants.
Good riddance for bad nonsense.
Rexxy
May 23, 12:15Mr. Pie, you’re really a sad person, you really do need help sha but I’ll just say this and will leave you to your foolly.
He asked for cash and I could afford it multiple times so why would I not give especially when I was well guided and was within enough consciousness to know that he was probably just cash trapped and since I still had a little fondness so I could oblige, whatever the amount it didn’t shake my jacket and it shouldn’t bother you either Mr. Smart Pants.
Good riddance for bad nonsens
DON’T CALL ME BIGGIE (Episode 4) – KitoDiaries
June 03, 14:14[…] Previously on DON’T CALL ME BIGGIE… […]
Mikey
July 26, 11:22Nice write up Rex..Reading stories here have been what I do all day to keep my sanity and It’s really surprising seeing all these things happen in Nigeria,like in this same Nigeria I’m living
I hope to have a story to tell someday cos I’ve basically never met any queer person or am I the one shutting myself from my world
michaelcrane831@gmail.com
You can reach me on my mail if you’d like to be friends