Eez Positive I Positive! I No Kill Person! (Episode 7)

Who told this you people’s nonsense government to ease the lockdown? Ehn? That’s how Nne Mitch has come back to this house to start peppering my destiny with her plenty drama. And, as if that’s not bad enough, her religious fervour seems to have multiplied. This woman doesn’t miss any morning or evening prayer, doesn’t miss any service, or fellowship, or evangelism. Anything church related, she no dey miss am. And the worst part is that she always tries to force me to attend them with her. Wo, I told her to be grateful I go to church on Sundays. Na only there my energy reach, plis.

Beht no! This woman no dey gree hear word. She may leave me be for most church and fellowship activities, but once it comes to Full Gospel Monday prayer meetings and Saturday fellowships, she always insists that I go with her. You can’t win them all. So, I go. Just for me to have a few moments of peace in this house with her. (Plus, the free food – very good food, I might add – is a major motivation. Bite me! LOL)

Unfortunately, this nonsense interfering behaviour of hers still hasn’t changed. Y’all remember how she went to do a HIV test? Well, the part I didn’t tell you was that she was seen by a doctor friend of hers at the hospital while she was getting the test done. And when the man asked her what test she came to do, she told him what it was. And that she was doing it because her son “…came back home with HIV.” Shey you people are seeing the disgrace I am disgracing this woman, ba? Na she go open mouth waaaaaaa go talk, yet na me dey disgrace her. And then, there was that time she told our pastor about me being positive at the end of our 2017 family fiasco, after which the dude prayed for me.

Well, Madam hasn’t stopped! We have a new pastor in church (former one was transferred) and she’d been trying to get him to become a counselor to me. She even went as far as giving him my number to call me during the lockdown, to ensure I didn’t miss any services. I missed every last one of them for four solid months. Only went to that church once. And that one time was because a neighbour came and dragged me along. But, I digress.

We were talking about Full Gospel, right? So, there’s this weird thing about the Full Gospel chapter we attend. These guys legit have healing sessions, deliverance sessions, prophetic ministrations and the like. On this beautiful Saturday, the fellowship had gone on well – food, introductions, praise/worship, word ministration. Honestly, I’d been zonked out for most of the meeting, managing to pretend I was paying attention while actually deconstructing and reconstituting a storyline in my head.

But now, it was time for prayers.

A few minutes in, the man leading the prayers said God told him to call out all those who are sick or need a touch of God in their lives for hands to be laid on them by the President of the fellowship chapter. The seating area nearly emptied at once as almost everyone made their way to the front to be prayed for. It was just me, Mother and two other women who were left sitting. The man was joined by the two pastors – members of the fellowship – who had come for that day’s meeting.

As the prayers were about to start, I felt Mother tap me. I looked at her and she mouthed, “Go, let them pray for you.” I shook my head and returned my attention to the front. This madam tapped me again. I looked at her again and she gestured for me to bring my head down so she could tell me something. (I’m somewhere between 9 and 10 inches taller than her.)

I acquiesced and she hissed into my ear, “Go out there so that this evil planting of HIV will be rooted out.”

Ah-ahn! Wassaldis?

At this point, I didn’t even bother replying her. I simply raised my head up, moved a few metres away from her and concentrated on pretending I was praying. After the fellowship was over, I saw her run after one of the pastors as he was leaving. I went to get some water to drink, hoping that her movements had nothing to do with me.

Beht no! This woman has to show herself every time. I was returning to my seat when she bustled up to me, telling me to go talk to the pastor, that he was waiting for me just outside the hall we used for the meeting. I rolled my eyes, finished my glass of water and went to meet the man. I’m very sure the waves of insouciance rolling off my body must have been as thick and pungent as the smoke in a mushroom cloud.

When I got to the man, I greeted him. Only for him to drop me with a stunner. Mother had apparently – and unsurprisingly really – told him I was HIV positive! And he was going all sanctimonious and shii on me, talmbout how God doesn’t hold our past sins against us once we repent, how I have a great destiny, kinikan-kinikan. I was boiling mad where I stood but I masked it with a straight face and a tight smile. After he was done talking, he asked me to come see him on Tuesday. That we were going to pray intensely and by the time we were done, I would be set free from all shackles and limitations. Then, he turned and walked away.

I returned to the hall to get my bible. Next thing, Mother rushed over to me to ask me what the pastor and I discussed. The way I sized her up ehn, if looks could kill, she’d have dropped dead there. I just jejely took my bible and left her there.

Shebi eez this same house me and her are living in together. She will come back her and meet me. Then she ganna tell me who send her work. Ah-ahn! What is all dis? Eez just positive I positive oh! I no kill person!

Written by Mitch