Have You Seen My Childhood?

Have You Seen My Childhood?

Here’s a little story that I’d like to tell, about a kid who had it all… Yup – the good, the bad, and the OMG.

The other day when I saw Ola’s Facebook page, I remembered him. He was that girly boy when we were in Primary One. We were about 4 or 5 years old in those days. Ola never played with the other boys. He was always around the girls. He even talked and walked with a prance and a swish, just like the little girls. Ola was just a teeny-weeny boy, but he was already Born That Way. I still chat with him on Facebook. He’s now a director at Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Line in NYC, has even been interviewed on CNN, and is out and proud. All his siblings are in the US, and he’s the cynosure of his parents’ eyes.

When I was still in Nursery class, there was this other boy – light-skinned and quiet chap. I used to pull down his shorts anytime we were in the playground. He never resisted. He was submissive like that. Pulling down the shorts of little boys wasn’t the only thing I did as a little rascal. I also used to open other boys’ lunch boxes and steal their lunches. Not that my mummy didn’t pack my own lunch o. I just felt like a lil’ James Bond.

So one day when I was more grown up, in my late teens, I noticed this kid who was an usher in our church. Light-skinned, very pious-looking fella. I sha knew there was something about him, like maybe I’d known him before. But I couldn’t put a finger on it, pardon the pun. Then after many weeks of seeing him, it finally hit me: OMG! That was the kid whose shorts I once used to pull down when we were in nursery class!

One day, when I was in Primary Six, our class teacher, a Ghanaian with curly hair, taught us about the biology of the male and female reproductive systems. He told us about the signs of puberty. Apart from height increase, pimples, pubic hair, deep voices, big chests, and budding breasts, there was penile growth. While he was talking, the bad boys who sat at the back of the class were pulling their dicks out of their shirts and showing them off to each other and the girls who sat with them. These bad boys were bigger than most of us, and so were their penises. As they shared dick sizes and boasted in hushed tones, my throat grew parched and my tongue stayed glued to the roof of my mouth. When I was about 12 years old, I started secondary school. Every morning we would sit on the steps for assembly. Since I was in form one, all boys wore shorts.  I had a habit of staring directly into the shorts of the boys facing me. Sometimes I saw underwear, other times I saw things that fired my teenage imagination.

The house we lived in when I was a teenager was close to buildings at different stages of construction. Every day, construction workers would come and work from morning till evening. It didn’t take me long to figure out their routines. Their closing time was about 6pm every evening. Then they would cluster naked around the tap and start bathing with buckets. I would stay glued to my bedroom window and ogle all those big dicks till the last worker had finished dressing up. One day, I was looking at this dude with a very hairy chest and pubic bush while he was bathing. He looked up and noticed me and said something to his colleagues. I was so scared I ducked quicker than you can say Jack Robinson. I thought they were coming to get me and deal with me for looking at their big penises.

Our neighbors’ mai-guards were Hausa and Fulani. Well you know the myth about abokis. It’s true. I would always watch one guard from my mum’s bedroom window whenever he came out to pee. His schlong was long, black and heavy like an elephant trunk. And he had a nice manly rump too. There was also the yellow Fulani guard whom I could watch from my bedroom window. He was rather girly. I watched him do his prayer ablutions and there was a part where he would bring out his large dangly yellow genitals and wash them with his plastic kettle while bending down. My nose was stuck to the window net and my heart heaved against my chest.

Mummy never talked to any of her children about sex. She was a single parent so maybe that made it harder for her. I remember one time I had a fever and mum was bathing me. I must have been about 12 years old then. I observed innocently that my testicles hung lower whenever my body was hot. Mummy blanched white as a sheet and looked completely embarrassed when I mentioned the word testicles. I still remember her facial reaction till this day. I also started to have my first wet dreams about the same period. I didn’t know what they were really, just that whenever I woke up, my pajamas and bed sheets were stained with thick custard-like patches. Nobody told me what that my balls were full and I was becoming a man. Mum would simply take the stained clothing away and wash them every morning.

At some point, mum bought these little sex-ed books, which she kept in the bookshelf. One had a photo of a naked black boy on the cover showering. I was more interested in that photo than in the book itself.  Reading it, I learnt that there as something called masturbation, and it wouldn’t make me go blind; and that some boys could be attracted to other boys but it was often just a stage they passed through. The sex education books for my sister were hidden in her drawer. I found those books. I would lock the door and look at the naked girls with tiny breasts and sparse pubic hair. I also looked at the oyibo boys with their thin long dicks. Eventually, I started to wank. My wanking then was rather amateurish. Just tucking my growing penis between my thighs and squeezing hard. Then I would stare at my squeezed thighs in the mirror and imagine that there was no penis there, but a slit and a v-shaped mound. Then I would turn my back and see my penis and balls sticking out behind my laps. One day while I was going through this ritual, an amazing thing happened. I felt a sudden snakelike sensation uncoil from within my belly. Then something travelled forcefully out through my engorged penis and shot up into the air. The sensation was mind-blowing. It was my first-ever real life ejaculation. I did not know what I had just done. I ran out of my sister’s room in shock. I told everyone that something really terrible had happened to me. But we were all kids and they just stared at me like I was talking nonsense.

Then started my years of daily masturbation. I would wank 3 or more times every day. My blood was pumping with sexual hormones and by the time I was 18 years old, I was wanking endlessly every single day. It usually started after lunch. Because of the hot weather, I would be naked with a wrapper around my waist. Right after lunch, I went to my room and closed the door. I lay on my bed, untied my wrapper and tuck my engorged penis between my thighs. I squeezed till I erupted. One day while I was at it, my sister walked in. I jumped, but I don’t remember if she said anything.

Then I began to see porn. My junior brother would borrow blue films from school and hide them in his bag or wardrobe. I, from whom nothing could be hidden, eventually found the films. I would sneak out after everyone had gone to bed and slot the films into our video player. The porn overwhelmed my fertile imagination. I started knowing the porn stars by name and face, but the females never turned me on, I only focused on the men’s dicks. The pornstar with the biggest dick was Mandingo. His dick had to be about 14 inches and thick as fuck. I also used to stare at my own erect dick in the mirror and while it was not nearly as long as Mandingo’s, I felt we had the same thick fleshy cap.

All that porn eventually haunted me with guilt. My family were active churchgoers. One day I walked up to our prayer leader during fellowship and confessed that I had been watching porn and masturbating a lot. I asked her to pray for my deliverance. Although she was also a professor of reproductive medicine, who eventually became my lecturer, she counseled and prayed against it.

Eventually I started buying my own porn. And later, the Internet made porn even easier. One day I found a gay porn photo book by Nigerian photographer Remi Fani-Kayode hidden in my married uncle’s suitcase. I wanked until I stained the pages with semen. I tried cleaning the stain unsuccessfully. I was scared my uncle would find out. When I discovered gay porn VCDs while buying normal books and CDs by the road side vendor, I was pleasantly shocked. Anytime I found a new one, I would buy more. One day, the man who sold videos under Ojuelegba Bridge was vexed at my habit and shouted at me to “geraway”. I was so embarrassed and afraid.

Growing up, I was never the sporty type, and didn’t play football like other boys. But I would always watch the end parts of football matches on TV, where the players stripped and exchanged jerseys. Then I discovered the boys who played naked football under the Obalende Bridge. I would walk slowly along the bridge, hoping to see teenage boys and grown men with dangling balls kicking balls, five a side. One early morning, I was at Oshodi Motor Park. This was in the days before Fashola cleaned it up. It must have been before 6 am and still dark, but some lights were on in the corners. That was how I stumbled on a group of boys fucking. I didn’t know who they were fucking but I could see naked boys and hear suspicious sounds. Within the enclosure, other young, thug-type men were taking their baths, completely naked. Out of my senses, I inched closer to see behind the corner and that was when one of the naked area boys fixed his gaze on me. He threatened me to come closer if I wanted to die. I ran away from the scene as far as my legs could carry me.

Most Nigerian parents turn a blind eye to their growing children, or expressly forbid sexual openness. Our cultural taboos as Africans leave curious children at the mercy of an unscripted sexualization. I occasionally explored my childhood sexuality with other children my age, but before I was 5 years old, our older house girl had exposed me to porn and sex. Many years later I did the same to mom’s teenage houseboy.

Some days ago, I was discussing with a friend and asked him if he thought we had been sexually abused as children. He then told me that when he was a child, there was an older houseboy who while bathing him would stick his penis in his mouth and buttocks. I always believed these childhood adventures were harmless mutual fun, but with that I know now, I am beginning to wonder if I may have been sexually abused. Did those older house helps take advantage of us? If I am correct, then there are many Nigerians who have similar sexual stories from their childhood. Are we in need of counseling or therapy? Or is it all just child’s play?

Written by Lanre Swagg

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50 Comments

  1. Mandy
    January 18, 10:40 Reply

    Yup. Lanre, I have now seen your childhood, and it is one heck of a growing up period.

  2. Max 2.0
    January 18, 10:45 Reply

    Omg ?????… I’d like to think that all of us have had at least half of these trysts/fantasies/adventure. I can certainly relate to oogling at helps(men), construction workers, people peeing by the road side, nakes boys bathing, passing roads at night or early morning just to see if there’s any naked dude around.
    I wasn’t abused as a child, I think I was the one abusing adults.

      • Max 2.0
        January 18, 11:02 Reply

        Yes me… Those days.. *sigh*

        There’s an appeal in ogling at something you’ll never have and also the whole curiousity. As a child, you do the first thing that comes to your mind, you don’t really have time to think it through, you just do it because if gives you quick gratification and thats all you needed at the time.

  3. sinnex
    January 18, 10:54 Reply

    I can relate with almost everything. As for sexual abuse, I have no recollection of any.
    Anyway, there is something sad about this article and it makes me feel bad.

  4. Colossus
    January 18, 10:59 Reply

    Yes, we are in need of counselling.

    • JustJames
      January 18, 12:56 Reply

      Sensei should come and counsel me.. I haven’t been abused (I was probably the one abusing people seff) but I’m sure there’s some traumatic stuff we can talk about ?

  5. posh6666
    January 18, 11:00 Reply

    OmG naked football in lag really?does it still happen till date? Presently some construction workers are working in a building opp my house and every evening just before its dark I will go and peep and watch to my delight asses and cocks of different shapes and sizes bliss! Honestly I thought I was a freak for doing that lol.

    I was actually abused as a kid my aunt,ermm how do I put it…Okk she’s my mum’s step sis who lived with us even before I was born.She would make me suck on her breast like I was breastfeeding and lick her very red pussy when I grew up and I recall the event frm time to time I now realized oh my God I was abused!

    Mum sent her back to her mum when she got pregnant with a bastard child,we still meet occasionaly and in her mind she thinks I was too small to recall the disgusting things she did to me.I think the bitch made me hate pussy.

    • Max 2.0
      January 18, 11:13 Reply

      “Pregnant with a bastard child”??? That was served in a bad taste, don’t you think?

      You’re an ass chasing dick-loving faggot in the eyes of Nigerians. To think that someone who faces discrimination would be less judgy about other people’s life choices.. *sigh*

      Oh and rape victims usually become whore mongers towards the gender that abused them, not the opposite, so your claim doesn’t look very valid.

      • posh6666
        January 18, 11:25 Reply

        Yes with a bastard child because that was what the child was thats how i feel like expressing myself so who are you to tell me what to say and when? Secondly claim doesnt sound very valid? Pls whose validity am i looking for here exactly?

        I stated my experience exactly how it happened and because you hate me you couldnt just wait to type rubbish and send.Something very painful which gets me so annoyed anytime i recall which till date i can never tell any family member yet you just sent this rubbish to me?

        Who are you to decide how someone reacts to an abuse? You sound very stupid and shallow like always….You think you are smart but you are not..Alot of rape or sexual assault victims especially ladies end up resenting men and vowing to stay off sex for life while some actually become lesbians..Max you are a very useless person!

        • Max 2.0
          January 18, 13:17 Reply

          @Agbero666, sounding like an uncouth lowlife as ever.. We’re in 2016, that raz robe you’re wearing doesn’t fit you anymore(or maybe it does, thats why you’re still wearing it). If you read my comment correctly (at this point I’m begining to question your sanity), I didn’t dole out an insult towards you, rather pointed out the flaw in your ridiculous comment. But you jumped on it as usual, like a hoe and set out to brandish your ratchet clawing skills. Grow up!!. This is 2016, once you make a comment here, its open for criticism, if you can’t face the heat, get out of the kitchen.

          Stop being childish and looking for fights/who to hurl insults and abusive words at. You need to sit down and look deeply into yourself to find out what’s wrong.

          • Teflondon
            January 18, 14:19 Reply

            Max has really changed.. i mean compared to Max of early last year (i expected you to come out swinging).

            good to see you are learning a thing or two from me.
            Leaving irrelevancies for the trash. I Am truly impressed.

            • posh6666
              January 18, 14:25 Reply

              Says the fat slob who bares the secret of a so called friend for the whole world to read.Lol glad to see two mofos agreeing on something.

          • posh6666
            January 18, 14:22 Reply

            Me stop being childish? Coming from some1 who thinks people that have sex are all hoes,allegedly two people got killed because of being gay yesterday and the 1st thing you said was oh yea if you live in areas like ikotun and egbeda basically being an average struggling regular nigerian you deserve to be kitoed…

            When Keredim questioned your comment you decided to back pedal and said oh you just meant the two guys shouldnt have been moaning.You were clearly calling them poor people.All fingers are not equal thats what they can afford i mean we all cant be rich,some have to be rich some have to be average and some have to be poor thats how the world works.If you find yourself averagely comfortable its not like you are better than any other person you are just a lucy person and thats it.

            You max is always trying to potray certain class difference,forming stupid childish air of arrogance and i am better than you attitude which i see through which makes you a mofo.

            You are a coward and obviously you are back to your bitter depression mode.I clearly understood what you wrote so dont try to make me look stupid with your lame attempt of forming innocence.Bitch lets face it you clearly hate me so no matter what i do or say you will always find fault.

            My comment was that she gave birth to a bastard which is true.She was sneaking around as early as secondary school sleeping around with men of all ages me a child inclusive and eventually got knocked up by a man she cant identify because they are much and got pregnant pls normal people what will such a baby be called?

            You compare me being gay which is beyond my control nor am i hurting anybody to a hoe? And you said thats being judgemental how does that make sense? Then in another breath you quickly condemned my story and technically said it was a lie just because you didnt agree with my opinion and thats what a critcism is in ur stupid brain?

            Please that “agbero” line you use has gotten weak so come up with something better.Anybody that has been here long will know you aint normal and all you do is spew anger and bitterness around with your stupid sense of entitlement and arrogance.

            Carry your deep rooted anger issues and bitterness very far away from me!

      • Keredim
        January 18, 11:26 Reply

        Max!!! Osokwa this morning.. Hian!!?

      • JustJames
        January 18, 12:54 Reply

        Pot, kettle, a certain colour… Hello marshwiggle ?

        • Absalom
          January 18, 22:49 Reply

          Ohmygod! You just insulted one of my favourite TV characters of all time! ?

    • pete
      January 18, 11:21 Reply

      No, she didn’t make you hate pussy

      • posh6666
        January 18, 11:28 Reply

        Lol of coz that was me being dramatic

  6. Keredim
    January 18, 11:23 Reply

    Lanre, I totally loved this piece. I love the way you took us on a journey and i can relate to some of the experiences you had, especially the porn and VCR.

    I am not sure what was worse, the fear of getting caught watching porn at night or NEPA taking light and the Video tape getting stuck in the VCR.????

    Regarding the suspected abuse. I really don’t know. It never happened to me. But if it is not causing any psychological issues in your adult life, I would just chalk down to experience.

    If on the other hand, you feel traumatised or its affecting the way you have sex or relate to people, then seek help. ??

    • Francis
      January 19, 12:55 Reply

      ??? I can’t even count how many times my parents White Fire cassette got stuck in the VCR cos of NEPA not to talk of times when I forgot to hide the tape well before returning to boarding sçhool. Na so I go just dey fear discovery till vacation comes around and I get home to find it exactly where I left it.

  7. KingBey
    January 18, 11:40 Reply

    As long as you’re in Lagos, you will always be stumbling into guys bathing outside. Lol. Especially around 6am. I made some guys that stay in an uncompleted building behind where I stay change btheir bath location because I always come out to the balcony to ogle at their hot bodies anytime they bath. I no send whether they see me or not. After all, I’m on my balcony, mbok ! And yeah…..the back window on my room in the village faces a busy bar…..so I’m privileged to watching plenty dicks of various shapes and sizes peeing. Hehehehe. All I need do was slant my lourvers so I wouldn’t be seen. As for childhood touch touch. Ngozi our househelp was always doing that to us before mumsi sent her away. Lol. I and some group of friends still ogle at guys peeing in public. We call it ‘Network’. Hehehe.

  8. Wealth
    January 18, 11:50 Reply

    Wow,this piece is quite relative to my experience,when I was four years old I can recall that my uncle called me in the bathroom and made me touch his big long dick. My chest was beating fast I was scared. Not scared dad would beat me,I was scared of the dick,of what I was seeing. I used to like girls,and romance with them,I’ve even been abused by a distant family aunt. I was a kid and she made me do think to her pussy and breast, dad almost killed me when he caught us. He flogged me. A day I can never forget in my life. During age of puberty, I was really scared and excited when I had my first ejaculation. I never knew what it was till I got to jss2. When we were doing home economics,the teacher talked about growth and maturity. And sure I’ve looked at naked men working in construction sites,people are endowed sha o. It has been a nice experience so far.

  9. Tobby
    January 18, 12:02 Reply

    Well, our carpenter used to mess with me when I was younger. It’s sexual abuse, alright.

    But I remember enjoying it. Actively “asked” for it even

  10. Vhar.
    January 18, 12:48 Reply

    Permit me to deviate.

    Some of our childhood traumas may be remembered with incredible clarity, while others are so frightening or incomprehensible that our conscious mind buries the memory in our unconscious.

    So often parents of abused children feel helpless. When a child falls, and scrapes his/her knees parents can erase the hurt by kissing it or yelling away before treating it, but not so with the pain of sexual abuse.

    Because sometimes, I wonder if therapy helps at all. If breaking the silence finally puts to rest the thought process that has be conceived.

    No one escapes the wounding of the soul. You, much like me may have many questions of a painful past and focus on that pain. Maybe you have sought love and affection only to be used and left empty inside. Even now you close yourself off determined never to be hurt again so no one will ever see the whatever lies within and in the end, you blame yourself for what happened, what’s happening.

    Hmm.

    • The Vhar-gency.
      January 18, 13:04 Reply

      The reality is, no matter what you
      were told, whatever happened to you
      as a child was not legally or morally
      your fault. Abused children are instilled with guilt regarding their “participation.”

      It’s an especially complex issue if the abuser is a family member. The child is told and believes that by his word his family will disintegrate, or harm may descend upon other loved ones. He fears he will lose more by telling than not.

      And while we try to run, hide and deny our trauma the little boy or girl within comes back to seek validation, healing and peace whichever way possible. Which is why we believe therapy/shrink culture is advisable.

  11. law
    January 18, 13:04 Reply

    When I was 7, my househelp used to rub my dick alot…. She is married now, i dnt think she knows i remember wat she used to know. At another time of my childhood. I was 12, my cousins relocated from Canada. They stayed with us for like 5months before they moved to abuja. My senior cousin who was 19 at that time used to give me a bj and vice versa….. It continued till he left.

    I remember when i saw him next when i was 16, he came to spend the weekend with us, we slept on the same bed, i tried touching his dick, he raised an alarm…. Woke everyone up… And told them i was touching him… I was hurt and cried…. Mummy dearest defended me that I didnt know wat i was doing… That am still a kid…. And no one spoke of it again….. My cousin just got married… A ceremony i didnt attend cus i still hate him for that night.

  12. Bryannn
    January 18, 15:09 Reply

    @ law, that would be a terrifying experience, i hate these straight gay boiz who form the habit of fondling us when we wia young and naive, when we come back much later, ready for mind blowing rauchy sessions, they were you kito..dat can hurt to the marrow….

    • posh6666
      January 18, 15:13 Reply

      Can you imagine the shame infront of the whole family haba! That was too much the guy is a little bitch…Thats why all those boys i got down with back in secondary school i take things easy with them when i reconnect until i see where their head lies.You can comman practice kito on me abeg.

      • KingBey
        January 19, 06:05 Reply

        I think some were just experimenting with their sexuality and outgrow it eventually. I had a secondary school best friend. We used to do lap sex from SS2 till after our WAEC…..this continued until he got admitted into the Polytechnic two years later…..then he called me over one day and told me we can’t continue to do that. We are still close friends till date and I respect his wishes….even attended his wedding last year. I’m sure he knows I still roll with guys but he doesn’t mention it.

        • Pink Panther
          January 19, 06:49 Reply

          True. A lot of teenage gay sex were simply experimentation. Some move on to be straight and others move on to remain gay. While yet others swing from one lane to the other. 🙂

  13. Dickson Clement
    January 18, 15:43 Reply

    I didn’t do the whole looking at naked people. I rarely talk when I was young, I remember reading lots of novels and my fantacies revolved around the character. I would assume that a particular character is my lover! Then there was an older guy who was an engineering student that lived with us, he was dripping hotness! I would sniff his clothing and wrap myself around it with deep thoughts about him! He is married now with kids but he hasn’t changed a bit! I don’t have that ugly fantasy again!!

    • Wayfaring Stranger
      January 19, 19:23 Reply

      “I didn’t do the whole looking at naked people. I rarely talk when I was young, I remember reading lots of novels and my fantacies revolved around the character. I would assume that a particular character is my lover!”

      This was me.

  14. Chandler B.
    January 18, 16:10 Reply

    “Some of our childhood traumas may be remembered with incredible clarity, while others are so frightening or incomprehensible that our conscious mind buries the memory in our unconscious.”
    True!
    I have tried hard to remember. I know its there. I know it was a relative. I just don’t kniw who and how it happened. I really think I don’t want to know.

    “The reality is, no matter what you
    were told, whatever happened to you
    as a child was not legally or morally
    your fault. Abused children are instilled with guilt regarding their “participation.” ”
    I, sometimes, think if I might have encouraged it in anyway.

    Personally I think the abuse suffered from the most is verbal abuse. I might have a slight, or not so slight, case of BDD from verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is usually seen as trivial but most times it has serious long term psychological effects.

  15. Eddie
    January 18, 16:19 Reply

    Guess i’ve always been this way… my earliest dreams were homoerotic and i’m talking four or five yrs old…then our 20 something year old neighbour used to french kiss me….heavenly times…I also liked girls too and I kinda still do…sometimes o but not sexually…

    • Max 2.0
      January 18, 16:24 Reply

      French kiss?? ???.. Where did you people grow up biko? You guys had all the fun and shii.. Meanwhile I was fantasizing.

  16. wealth
    January 18, 17:38 Reply

    Sorry posh,you said two gays were allegedly killed yesterday. And no news of it?

    • posh6666
      January 18, 17:41 Reply

      It was on a particular gay oriented blog which most people are aware of day before yesterday/yesterday but was later taken off in order to make a thorough verification of how true the news was.

  17. wealth
    January 18, 17:48 Reply

    Please,Could you please give me the blog’s website?

  18. Thatgaycousin
    January 18, 23:19 Reply

    Yes yes yes, my mum is a single mum and till today, Im 20 (and a girl) and she never wanted to talk about those things with me, they scare(d) her even till now. I don’t know why, but it hurts because I had to learn about my sexuality through a rough path, never coming out but oh well, LOVELY WRITE-UP!!!

    • Pink Panther
      January 19, 10:21 Reply

      That rough patch… Something you gonna share with the class someday? 🙂

  19. bruno
    January 19, 10:55 Reply

    damn! this is a lot of information

  20. gp
    January 19, 15:31 Reply

    Dear Lanre, your piece is a Pulitzer, and needs to be published in the New York Times. It is proof of dramatic absence of responsible, all inclusive reproductive and sexual health information in the country, and even may be illustrative of the entire Africa. Thank you for writing this brilliant piece.

  21. handed man
    January 20, 09:29 Reply

    loved it, this is what I call a piece worth reading, totally didn’t mind yhu kept shifting off and on context,its almost like yhur childhood was partly in Nigeria and abroad.

    mehn love the piece anyway.

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