HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
I hung out with an acquaintance one day who said that he could never go for a hookup with a guy if he didn’t get his dick pic first. When I asked him why, he said, “Because I’m a size queen and I need to know that he has what it takes to satisfy me.”
“But you could just ask him and he’d tell you,” I pointed out.
“Or he’d lie to me,” he countered. “I’ve met guys who told me they had big dicks and then walked out of the hookup when I saw how average their lie was.”
“What if he sends you the photo of a big dick that doesn’t belong to him?” I asked.
“Then I’d still walk out on him when I find out he lied with his photo,” he said matter-of-factly. “It’s not by force to fuck. If you don’t have what I want, I don’t have to give you what you want.”
Even though I didn’t agree with the idea that the exchange of nudes should be a prerequisite for a hookup to happen, I appreciated his candor when it came to his sexual preference. People like this easily get slut-shamed, but it didn’t look like he was someone who bothered with other people’s opinions about his sex life.
However, it wasn’t until recently that I understood the message he may or may not have tried to pass across then: that honesty is the best policy. In the fast-paced world of gay hookups, honesty saves us all a lot of time.
I swiped right on his profile on Tinder, not particularly because there was anything appealing about his pictures. In fact, the two photos on his profile were snapshots that captured the side of his face, instead of the full face. I mistakenly swiped right, and the next thing I knew. Tinder was shoving his profile in my face as a match, with the prompt for me to send him a message.
Let’s call him Sam.
I sent him a Hello.
Several hours later, he replied. When I got his text, I clicked over to his profile to see if his pictures would convince me that he was someone I should spend my time getting to know. I usually do this on Tinder; there’s the profile perusal before the swipe, and the profile perusal after the Hello. I always find myself needing to be convinced, by checking out the pictures again and again, that I want to put in the effort to make this acquaintanceship work.
However, on that Saturday, I was bored and there wasn’t much keeping my attention on social media. So, even though I wasn’t convinced of Sam’s attractiveness from his photos, I kept chatting with him, especially seeing as he was responding well. We moved past the exchange of pleasantries with ease and were soon talking about roles, privacy and moving over to WhatsApp.
On WhatsApp, things took a steamier turn, as we chatted about sex, how we liked to have sex, and then exchanged nudes. I’d told him I was versatile and he said he was top, so I slipped into my role as his bottom. When I sent him a photo of my ass, he couldn’t contain his excitement.
“Wow!” he typed to me. “Guy, you carry the type of ass I eat! This is thick!”
This was actually why I got even more interested in seeing him: he’d talked a lot of talk about his love for rimming.
“Can’t wait to eat you up as soon as possible!” he enthused. “What are your nipples like?”
“You like sucking nipples too?” I queried.
“Yes! I can’t be fucking without sucking nipples and kissing at the same time!”
Okay, I was sold! Let’s get to fucking already!
We set a date for him to come over, which was a few days later, and eventually, the chat ended. He must have realized that he was the one taking the risk of visiting, because later in the day, he asked for us to have a WhatsApp video chat. I was cool with that. However, we ended up not being able to do that until the morning of the day he was supposed to come over. It was a weekday, but I was working from home that day, and I’d buzzed him to acquaint him with the directions to my place when he reminded me of the video call.
So, I called him.
He answered. And I found myself looking at the grainy image of a man who was in a room, standing next to a window. I don’t know if it was the quality of his camera or the fact that he was bathed in so much morning light, but I could barely make out the features of his face. I mean, I could see enough to know he was the same person in the Tinder photos, but not enough to know if I’d find him sexually appealing.
It was frustrating. His Tinder pictures didn’t give me the answer. And now, this video call wasn’t giving me anything either. When I suggested he move away from the window, he said the rest of the room was too dark for me to see him. I didn’t know how to tell him that I was trying to see him clearly to be sure I’d even like him.
Because, to me, however much action you may promise during sex, I can’t get down with you if I don’t find you physically attractive.
So, as we chatted, I asked if he was on Instagram or Facebook. I might as well find my answers on his social media. But I was met with disappointment there when he said he wasn’t on Facebook, and that his Instagram account had recently been blocked because of a post he made that went against Community Standards. I wasn’t even bothered that he could be kito when he gave these excuses, for two reasons: one, he was the one coming to see me, and two, you simply cannot come to my house and kito me. In my territory, I am the Mad King.
When the video call ended, I was so bothered by how little I knew of what this guy looked like, that I texted him: Can I see your pics? You weren’t very clear on the video call.
Sam: LOL. Maybe it’s from my camera.
Me: I figured.
After waiting a few moments and it became apparent that he wasn’t sending anything my way, I texted: So, your pics?
Him: What pic? Thought we did a video chat. And my pics are there on Tinder.
Me: The camera on your end wasn’t clear.
I didn’t even bother trying to get into how inconclusive the evidence on Tinder was.
Him: Is it that your mind is not at rest with hooking up with me?
At this point, I was torn between amusement and annoyance. Amusement, because, how can I be bothered with a hookup where I am taking no risks? And annoyance, because, well, why is sending a picture becoming such a big deal? It wasn’t like I was asking for a nude.
Me: Is there a problem with you sending me a clear pic that I can see? I don’t understand. This should not be an issue.
Him: It’s not. It’s just that I’m not a picture person. If your mind isn’t settled with hooking up with me, then maybe we should forget this.
I reared back, my eyebrows raised as I stared at his message on my phone screen like: Okay, sis, I see you with the attitude.
I didn’t even bother with a response. I simply went to Tinder and unmatched him. Then I returned to WhatsApp and cleared the chat before deleting his number from my phone.
However, I think he’d expected me to capitulate after he sent that message – you know, seeing as I’d earlier revealed my excitement at his eating my ass – because minutes later, he sent another message: You can trust me. I know you’re having double mind. But I’m cool. Please, don’t deny me the pleasure of eating that your big booty.
He’d pressed the mumu button. Suddenly, I was in my mind thinking: So he doesn’t send a pic and you don’t see what he truly looks like – so what? That’s not a big deal na. From the little you’ve been able to make out of his face, he doesn’t look bad na. Plus, you’re not looking for a man to date. You just want your ass treated right.
So, I responded: Okay.
Him: So we are still hooking up?
Me: Yes, we can see.
We exchanged information on how he could get to mine, and he said he’d be around in a couple of hours.
It was actually in the afternoon when he called to tell me he was at the junction, about to get on a bike to my place. I was bathed, douched and working on my laptop. So, I told him I’d be here waiting for him.
A few minutes later, he called. He was on my street.
I slipped on my jallabiya and walked out to meet him.
And all my worst fears were instantly confirmed!
The man I went out to see was one of the most unattractive people I’d ever seen.
As I stood there, waiting for him to walk over to me, my entire psyche underwent a transformation. I was no longer a guy anticipating sex. I was a guy who knew that sex was definitely NOT happening! I even flirted with the thought of letting him know right there on the street that he needn’t waste his time coming in, that we wouldn’t be doing what he came here to do.
But I have too much home training for that kind of behaviour.
However, I wasn’t going to pretend that I was into him in any way. After exchanging greetings, I turned and started walking back inside the compound, my stiff back letting him know that I didn’t care whether he followed after me or not. He followed me to my house. I went inside. He paused by the doorway to take off his sandals. I went to sit at my desk. He went to sit on the couch. I began moving my mouse and typing at the work I was doing. He sat idly for a bit and then brought out his phone.
I know some people will react with displeasure at what they’ll decide is my rudeness to the guy who came all the way to see me.
But here’s the thing: he wouldn’t have had to make the trip if he’d simply complied with my request for him to send me his pics. Because then, I’d have seen it, seen him, known I don’t find him attractive, and told him not to bother. The fact that he hemmed and hawed all over my request to see his photos told me two things: he knows he’s not everybody’s spec and he was relying on me being too horny to care.
And that’s just fucked up. Because all he ended up doing was waste both our times – and I did not owe him any cordiality after his deceit.
I maintained my attention on my work, hoping he would take the hint and decide to leave. But no! He actually spent 4 hours in that room with me in total silence. The only verbal exchange we had was when he requested for a charger. So, while I worked on my laptop, he tapped away on his phone. For Four Hours! It was incredible. I didn’t know if he spent all that time with me because he hoped I’d somehow eventually get over myself and get naked with him, or he simply saw an opportunity to make use of the electricity to charge his phone. We never spoke a word to each other; not even a chastisement from him over how badly I was hosting him. I was actually waiting for him to do that, so I’d let him have a piece of my mind.
It wasn’t until around 5 PM when he finally got to his feet and expressed his intention to leave. I got up too, intending to walk with him to the street. He dropped his phone on the mantelpiece next to the door to strap on his sandals.
And I saw the unmistakable portal of Tinder open on his phone screen.
LOL!
Could this dude have been tinder-ing all this time, hoping to make a hookup connection nearby that he could leave my place to go meet?
I couldn’t even be mad at that. In fact, I wished he’d have matched with someone who’d have invited him over hours ago.
We got to the street. He got on a bike, and after saying our goodbyes, the bike zoomed off while I went back inside.
I know it’s a tough world out here on these streets, with a hookup culture that is filled with gays who are obsessed with looks, appearances and sexual preferences. But I don’t make the rules. I like what I like, which is tamer than most. And you should only ever get into an arrangement with somebody with all the information made available, so decisions can be made about proceeding from a place of full disclosure.
Written by Olutayo
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25 Comments
KingB
February 19, 10:02In my view, I think it isn’t entirely your fault he got a shabby Hospitality from you. Let me explain using myself. I don’t consider myself particularly cute. I’m one of those guys with an average look and also slim. Now Nigeria gay culture dictates that every guy must have the face of Timini Egbuson and the body of @thereallekanibrahim( check him out on Ig. Dude is so cute I’m even scared of sliding in to his DM) Notwithstanding these shortcomings as regards my looks, I’m 101% confident and my self esteem is 110%. But because of how the gay climes is deep rooted in one’s look here, I ensure we’re on the same page about each other’s look before any hookup happen. I rarely get hooked up online but if it happens at all I ensure all of these boxes are ticked. I was chatting with some nice guy on Grindr last month. Usually I do only guys that work out and I sort off have this belief most of them like slim dudes. When we eventually exchanged pics, uncle “respectfully ” declined meeting me because I was slim. I didnt feel any kind of way because he was respectful about it and on my own part, I’m aware of people’s preferences and respect these preferences. So he should have sent his pics when u requested them. You no kill person abeg. Na fine man to fuck u ask for.
Delle
February 23, 01:35Timini is your benchmark for physical beauty? Hmmph!
Tristan
February 24, 11:12My dear I was wondering the same. Even the RealLekanIbrahim didn’t meet my pass mark. Like this dude hasn’t even seen fine boyz . Beauty is really in the eyes of the beholder.
Geminiguy
February 19, 13:04Hew! Wahala for who no fine oo.
Boytoy
February 19, 15:21Me: Is there a problem with you sending me a clear pic that I can see? I don’t understand. This should not be an issue.
Him: It’s not. It’s just that I’m not a picture person. If your mind isn’t settled with hooking up with me, then maybe we should forget this.
Your last convo with him should have just been a deal breaker if only you could have read between the lines. “I’m not a picture-person” intuitively answers whatever curiosity you may have been smothered with which is a translation for “I’m not photogenic”(although some really attractive people aren’t picture people too)….Even if he had sent you the picture as requested, you’d might have still been turned off as pictures can be deceiving in some cases. Imagine if he had sent an overly-edited photo of himself and you met him in person eventually….I can bet dollars to donuts that your anger would have been replaced with a much bigger emotion- INDIGNATION!!!!
My guess is you were waiting to see where all this would go which would either leave you shocked and/or surprised or utterly disappointed.
Olutayo
February 19, 17:28I don’t have to be made to read in between the lines. Its not supposed to be that deep. I was forthright and expected the same energy. He was being lowkey sneaky, and that was not right. Just because he didn’t catfish me doesnt mean he gets a medal for not being straightforward.
Boytoy
February 19, 15:32In addition, the idiom “Honesty is the best poilicy” can also be summed up in the entirety of his last message;
Him: It’s not. It’s just that I’m not a picture person. If your mind isn’t settled with hooking up with me, then maybe we should forget this.
I admire his display of straightforwardness.
Olutayo
February 19, 17:26Lol. No honey, that wasn’t straight forward Ness. That was a tactic he played to see how badly I wanted the hookup. And when it didn’t work, guess what happened, he didn’t forget it.
So chill please.
Audrey
February 19, 15:50Wahala for we wey no fine oh😭😭😭
Olutayo
February 19, 17:24You, Audrey? You, with all your sexcapacades, you want to follow talk say you no fine? Lol. Abeg abeg.
McDuke
February 19, 16:13No matter what, that was just rude. You don’t have to have sex with him but to totally ignore him, c’mon!!! That’s ridiculous and plain rude…you must be a very arrogant sb…
Olutayo
February 19, 17:23I am.
There. We good?
🙄
Demi
February 19, 18:09I absolutely understood why u treated him that way.. But me as person, who have just diffused the whole thing down to a friendly visit, we’d just talk normally, treated him like a visitor (maybe offer him a snack) and soon after off he goes. I feel for the guy because he looked that way. I wonder what you’d do if he was extremely gorgeous but let you know just before sex he was a poz guy?
Olutayo
February 19, 19:42lol. You say that like it’s supposed to be earth-shattering revelation. lol. I shag poz guys all the time. I don’t have a problem with people who are HIV positive. The way I reason it, as many guys as there are that are upfront with you about their status before sex, there are even more that are positive and don’t tell you. So, why freak out about the one who’s told you when you’ve likely fucked with many more who didn’t tell you?
Dubem
February 19, 19:40You even went out to see him. You tried.
Me, I would have given him the address of a nearby house to stop at so I can observe him from a vantage point. If he doesn’t meet up to what he was supposed to be, I will quietly disappear. Biko, I can’t shout.
And before some of you come for me, this has nothing to do with whether you are fine or not. It’s not even what pissed me off about this story. It’s the fact that he knew and had insecurities about what he looked like and decided to mislead the writer.
“Send your picture.”
It’s a very simple request.
He should have just sent it and dealt with the rejection, if it comes.
I am not all that myself, but in the years I have become an adult, I have dealt with my insecurities about my looks. I have accepted the rejections, taking them in stride as much as I have gotten propositions. But the fact is that I have owned who I am, flaws, imperfections and all. To make the rejections less painful, I reason that it’s the other person’s loss and I move on.
You can’t be who you are and then saddle another person with the responsibility of obliging you after you have misled them. That’s just wrong.
Dee
February 19, 20:33It’s funny because I had just a similar incident recently. I really relate to the last part of you agreeing to meet with him even after your intentions dwindled before. This horniness of a thing ehn, sometimes you just take some risks you question yourself about at some point. Mehhhn, we’ve all got preferences and honesty really finds a way in making things smoother and more, less embarrassing and time wasting.
Eddie
February 21, 14:55Poor you… Poor guy…. Uncle was tired of the rejection… What he did was sneaky though….
I get we all want dropdead gorgeous gods as partners but remember this (totally unrelated and a general note); If you walk into a shop wanting a blue shirt(cos you love blue), you’ll be so bent on looking for that blue shirt that you don’t see the cute cream, or the comfortable print, or the edgy red(all nice in their own way). Y’all can try to keep an open mind about people…. On average, we don’t all look like built drop dead foine models…. Some people are slim, or short, or potbellied… Preference is fine for real but just saying 🤷🏽♂️
Jinchuriki
February 22, 07:50lol. Reading this out, you sound like someone I know. Your comment makes a lot of sense too.
Eddie
February 23, 20:04I am darling lol…. I’m your Calabar friend from back in the day aka high school 😉
Jinchuriki
February 28, 13:47I knew it!
Jinchuriki
February 22, 07:47I don’t do hookups anymore but when I did, I rarely ever sent photos as requested. I am good-looking, very much so. I am not a picture person either and I’d rather not share my photos on places like grindr (thank go for the disappearing photos now) and tinder. I would post my photos on my tinder and/or grindr profile, I’d oblige a video call and decline any kind of photo request on any platform and instead send you to go check out my IG and/or twitter or something else that’s public. I did that for three reasons.
1, I need to be sure you aren’t a catfish.
2. I need to be sure there are enough members of the community you are friendly with (there can never be enough honestly and a lot of accounts are created primarily to bait people, but still)
3, I just do not like photos that much and even my mainstream SM accounts get updated like once in two to three months after much pressure from work, school colleagues or some other friend/acquaintance.
I won’t oblige a nude photo, but if I do you best believe I have labelled you ‘stressing my life’ and the chances of ever meeting are close to 0, especially when you ask for a second one… When I am interested in someone on the other hand I literally become an obedient child (please, I am not submissive, don’t get he wrong idea)
It is understandable that people do not want to waste time and all so photos matter a lot, but some people really do not like photos and it is not just because they feel unattractive or have low self-esteem, they just do not, it sure does not mean they should not accommodate other people’s methods of.. verification? vetting?.. whatever?
If someone refuses to send you a photo and won’t give you a functioning social media account to work with, you should run, for a number of good reasons you should definitely run. People should also learn to politely decline so we don’t have others pulling little stunts like this one just to fuck.
Sage Philip
February 22, 19:44This.
I DONT LIKE PICTURE! It feeds my Ego in a bad way and I don’t like it.
Jinchuriki
February 23, 01:30Thank you for noticing, kind Sr.
Rex
June 20, 02:07Hellloooo Jinchuriki, I really like your vibes, can you get PP to connect us???
Delle
February 23, 01:44I “honestly” don’t know how to feel about this read.
Yes, we like what we like but isn’t this obsession with physicality misplaced? We need to work on ourselves, intentionally or we’ll miss out on wonderful things simply because they aren’t gold-plated. I am just tired of all the attention and importance attached to physical appeal.
That’s not to say that what the guy did was right. I shaa wouldn’t have invited him over at all. If you’re not going to placate my fears, satisfy my curiosity, stay in your house,