I live in a Lagos suburb that is heavily residential. This means that on most evenings, in my street for instance, you get lots of people out taking strolls, standing about in front of their gates or compounds gisting with neighbours, and lounging under the shedding provided by one or two super marts whose owners also serve drinks. Occasionally, the street deejay would open up shop and his music would boom all over the street till nighttime, often lending a festive air to the neighbourhood even when nobody is celebrating anything.

However, there is a very noticeable aspect of these neighbourly gatherings, and it is the boys. Whether these guys live in my street or not, I have no idea. But evening after evening, they gather in large numbers, smoking weed, arguing loudly and laughing even more loudly. They are rowdy, many of them shirtless, and are a mix of young men with day jobs, those hardened by their street hustle, and the ones who are layabouts. On some weekends, they don’t even wait till evening time to gather; you’d see them out about, smoking and gisting as early as midday.

The testosterone these guys ooze can be so heady, that one time, a friend who came to see me couldn’t stop himself from gaping as I walked with him to the end of the street where he’d get on a bike that would take him home.

“Man plenty for your street, Tayo!” he gasped, dramatically fanning a hand over his face.

“I know,” I said, chuckling.

“Ever fucked with any of them?”

“God, no! As all of them rugged like this so…”

 “You’ve not heard the saying: ‘The more rugged, the better the fuck’?” he sallied.

“You’ve not heard the saying: ‘Don’t shit where you live’?” I retorted.

“Oh come on,” he began dismissively.

“The kind of kito that will result from messing with any of them will be the size of rain boots,” I reasoned.

“I know, I know. It’s just that…” He sighed as he eyed yet another group we’d just walked past. They were having a loud argument over something relating to Wizkid and Burna Boy, and there were lots of shorts and trousers sagged below dirty underpants and boxers. My friend sighed again. “Mehn, you can’t tell me some of them are not shagging themselves.”

“Oh, I suspect there are queer ones among them,” I agreed, remembering the time another friend of mine who is tall, fine and very fair had been staying with me for awhile. And some of these guys would hail him with cat-calls of “fine boy” and “yellow pawpaw” whenever he was on his way out. My friend was always torn between feeling flattered and being embarrassed whenever this happened.

However, it wouldn’t be very long before I would find out that this aspect of my street – all the boys outside – had both its advantage and its downside.

One Friday evening, a guy I’d been getting to know from Grindr came over to my place. I was into him and he seemed into me. We’d been chatting for awhile, and upon finally meeting, we hit it off. The plan wasn’t for him to spend the night, so we didn’t waste much time chitchatting, before we got down to the fucking. It was good sex, and when we were done, I was hoping we would stay friendly with benefits.

That hope was extinguished in the next few minutes when we got dressed and he began scowling and grumbling about how I needed to settle him.

“Excuse me?” I said, not sure I’d heard him correctly. “Settle you how? I don’t understand.”

He began to get angry. “Ehen now! Shey you fuck finish, you no go give me something?”

I wanted to laugh. What was happening here? “Me fuck? Na service you give me be the fuck? You no enjoy am too? And what’s with this demand for something? Did we ever talk about me paying you? No! So what’s with this one you now want me to settle you?”

“Do I have to tell you before you know you have to give me something?” he flashed. “See me that came all the way from Ikorodu to see you! Don’t you know you are supposed to appreciate me with something?”

I was starting to get very angry myself. Imagine this audacity!

“How about the next time you want a hookup to appreciate you with money, you TELL HIM BEFOREHAND! Abi to talk say you dey fuck for money dey shame you?”

“Eh!” His face contorted into such a hateful expression, I couldn’t believe I’d ever found him attractive. “Did you just call me a prostitute?” His voice had started climbing, intentionally so. “So you are now calling me an ashawo, abi? You fuck man finish, you go pay ashawo na. shebi you want to show yourself, I will show you today.”

As he ranted, I took calming breaths, mentally assessing the escalating situation and trying to decide what action to take. My instinct – that involuntariness that comes with wanting to protect oneself – was to try and calm him down and then offer him the five thousand naira I had. But even as I considered that, my anger was rising to squash the thought. Like, how dare this guy! How dare he come to my house and try to kito me! Because I had now seen that this was what it was: kito. This was his plan all along. I’d read enough stories on Kito Diaries to know them: they come to your place and try to use your fear of being outed to intimidate you into giving in to their demands.

Well, this one jammed the wrong closeted gay.

I may not be out, but I’d be damned before I’d let some lowlife faggot hustle me in my own domain.

So, finally, I cut into his tirade with a voice that was loud and clear, so he would know I meant every word I was saying. “So, oga, you think that if you shout, that you will make me so afraid, I will now give you money? Is that it? Is that how it has been working for you, eh?” At this point, I was slowly increasing my own voice. (In my mind, I was actually praying fervently that no neighbour was around to hear this incriminating screaming match.) “So you feel you can come to my house and kito me, abi? You want to shout? We will shout together!” I increased my voice another decibel. “We will shout together, then we will see who will be disgraced here. Shebi you saw all those guys gathered outside in my street, you think I don’t know them? Shout na! Shout! I will kuku drag you outside and we will shout together, and we will see who those guys will beat! Idiot! Shout! You think say you dey craze? You never jam craze!”

By the time I was done, this kito scum was just standing there, staring at me, his fire out-flamed by my inferno. I could almost read his mind: he had seen the crowd of guys outside, he had even remarked on that; he could see me shouting back at him, he could not know if I was out or not, seeing as I didn’t cower from raising my own voice; and ultimately, this WAS MY AREA. If he called my bluff, there was no way he could know if he would come out of whatever happens unscathed.

So, he eventually settled for giving me an ugly look before saying in a quieter voice, “You are just a useless human being.”

“Me and you, who useless pass?” I shot back. “Instead of you to say you are broke-ass, you are looking for someone to kito. Please, get out of my house.”

When he left, I settled myself in a chair, only then realizing that I was shaking. Until then – even then – I had no idea how far I would have gone if that douchebag had called my bluff.

But I had my neigbourhood guys to thank for the credibility they unknowingly lend to my bravado.

However, there are times when their presence in my street serves a downside. Not very serious; in fact, it is a humorous downside. And it has happened about three times, all of them hookups.

The first one was a guy who came to see me at my place, and had apparently taken one look at the testosterone-crowded street before telling his bikeman to turn around and take him back the way they came. After waiting and waiting for the person who told me he was on a bike to my place, I finally called him. He was already in a bus bound for his place, and went right into cussing me out for trying to kito him. I was so startled by the accusation and wanted to know where he’d gotten that idea from.

“All those boys you have on your street,” he fumed. “You think I don’t know that that is how you kito people use to do.”

And as I started trying to explain and reassure, he hung up on me. He must have followed it up with blacklisting my number and blocking me on WhatsApp because I could no longer get through to him whether via call or text.

That was the first time this happened to me and I was shocked to learn that where I lived was going to be a problem for my sex life.

The second guy was braver than the first. After seeing the energy on my street, he told his bikeman to drive him back to the closest junction, where he alighted and then called me. Even as he started talking about the boys on my street making him uncomfortable, I understood. And so, when he said I should come out to the junction where he was to meet him, I acquiesced. I walked out to where he was and we talked, with me doing my best to assure him that I meant him no harm. When he agreed to follow me to my house, I found it both amusing and sad that he maintained at least five paces behind me all the way to my door. He didn’t stop trembling from his doubts until I kissed him.

The third guy also called me to come out and meet him at the end of the street where he’d chosen to stop. When I got there, I called him. He answered, and for a few moments, there was some confusion as I tried to determine which shop he kept saying he was standing next to. Then, either he decided he didn’t like me or that he couldn’t trust me; whichever was the case, I finally saw a figure break out from a corner and begin to walk briskly away. He looked very much like the guy I’d been chatting with, and when I called out his name, he shot a look back at me and began running.

I didn’t chase after him. I smiled sadly at the unfortunate situation and then texted him: ‘I know what you’re probably thinking and I swear you’re wrong about me.’

And then, I started walking back home, knowing I’d have to wank off the konji that shagging this guy would’ve fixed.

Written by Olutayo

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  1. Boytoy
    September 07, 07:30 Reply

    Interesting read!

    The incident between you and the dude who tried to kito you by raising his voice to attract your neighbours is somewhat similar to an experience of mine I had last year.

    I live in a relatively quieter neighbourhood where I don’t even run into my neighbours frequently unless my occasional Saturday morning roadwalk or Sunday morning Mass or when I’m returning from work. But on this week day after a hectic work experience, a dude I had been chatting with on WhatsApp decided to pay me a visit after weeks of hookups postponed.

    My instincts about this hookup were really blazing that fateful evening when the first red flag was this dude being apprehensive and bitchy on the phone wanting to know where I was that he had been waiting at the designated bustop I had asked him to alight. On getting there, after I had taken a quick shower, this SOB wasn’t there. My first intention was to turn back from the bustop where he claimed to have been waiting for me, go home and switch my cellphone off but I waited a bit as I saw him alight from a bike minutes later.

    Dude started acting bitchy and complaining about irrelevant things which I totally ignored……Long story short….we got back to my place….with him trying to engage in heavy petting and a little romance , I told him politely that I was no longer in the mood….dude started throwing tantrums, raising his voice and making empty threats about his ability to deal with me………… I’m a bit of psycho so I started laughing and he stood there looking at me unbelievably. Then I told him that I knew what he was up to that he should quietly leave because I would call my Security to throw him out of the building and I would alert my neighbours that a thief had broken into my home then we would lynch him immediately.

    He stood there and was still raising his voice but I didn’t mind, I opened my door and even encouraged him to come out and shout while I maintained this eerie calm…..I always stay prepared for the worst so I had in my sweatpants Pepper Spray and a Taser just in case the issue escalated into something uglier. When he knew he was losing after much shouting from his part and uncomfortable silence on mine together with my evil laughter, this dude burst into tears and knelt down before me to ask for forgiveness saying this was his first time of doing such…….I told him I wasn’t having any of this bullshit and gave him 60 seconds to vacate the premises or else I would set him on fire……dude left, bolted my gates and I watched him from my window as he walked back home looking utterly defeated…..

    As I lay on my bed after that nasty ordeal, I was vibrating vigorously like a Nokia 3310 if not more but now that I think and write about it, I can’t help but laugh and laugh like Lotor from Voltron Defender of the Universe

    • Delle
      September 07, 07:34 Reply

      You have a taser and pepperspray!? Well well well, how many more of you are out there?

      • Boytoy
        September 07, 07:41 Reply

        Oh yes I do and I don’t know how many we are in Lagos. Too much American movies have heightened my sense of self-defence.

    • adminkd
      September 07, 08:34 Reply

      I love this!!!
      The reason these assholes get away with their intimidation is the consuming fear we have for being outed. Our fear feeds their wickedness.

      • Boytoy
        September 07, 12:35 Reply

        Thank you Adminkd.

        I refuse to become a victim and I don’t cower even in the face of apparent danger/probable defeat. I fight my battles with eerie laughter and noisome silence which in many cases which weakens my opponent(s).

        So the war has ended even before the battle begun. Psychological warfare is my favorite game and a handy tool.

    • Minxaspis
      September 07, 09:23 Reply

      Hahaha, I pity him tho but what up with this bitchy kito trash that they tryna do

      • Boytoy
        September 07, 12:47 Reply

        I honestly don’t know why the bitchiness came out with the dude but it’s a strategy best employed by self-indulgent, entitled and obviously weak-minded guys. His plans went horrendously wrong as I used reversed psychology on him. Should he have tried any funnier thing, I would have tasered his ass (pun intended) and pepper-sprayed him……

  2. Delle
    September 07, 07:31 Reply

    Lol. I see myself in that first guy. Pele, but it’s just like ndi Ojo residents. Of course there are the harmless ones who reside there but you see, no one in his right senses should care about that.

    Berra pack out of there ?

  3. Minxaspis
    September 07, 09:19 Reply

    Serves him well, he for try shout make them beat am commot nonsensese for him body.
    People should be sincere when going for a hookup, if you have transport issues or need cash after sex tell them before going dear don’t be shy, live your life no dey create drama for yourself e

  4. DanielAz
    September 07, 10:05 Reply

    Is it just me that feels his picture should be posted on kito’s diary??? I’m sick and tired of these animals getting away with their evil doings. PLs if u could kindly release his details and social media handles. His next victim might no be as lucky.

    • Malik
      September 08, 06:16 Reply

      Lol. That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? Especially for someone who actually did no damage nor stole anything.

      Besides, there’s a whole community of silent readers of this blog that think that you must/should pay/offer a hookup money if he’s the one who visited you or if he bottomed.

  5. Quinn
    September 07, 11:24 Reply

    Thank you for standing your ground, I would have made my day if you had thrown in a few little slaps..pls let’s try not to give into fear, post like this gives me organic orgasms.. @boytoy I need to channel your craziness sometimes teaser kwa.

    • Boytoy
      September 07, 12:49 Reply

      Hahaha hahaha Hahahahahahaha @Quinn
      I like the way your foul mind works……… I usually don’t engage in physical combat just yet until I have weighed the situation properly.
      My craziness on the other hand is at your service.

  6. Courage
    September 07, 11:26 Reply

    This is sad really. Anyway, before arranging a hookup, it’s best to discuss this ‘settle thing’..tell them period, that you just want to fuck and have no money to give. I have seen a similar situation in Enugu. The guy finished fucking this small boy, and told him to leave. The boy started shouting and raising his voice, until the guy paid him. I later discovered that, this guy actually agreed to give this guy some money, but refused after sex. And from this story I shared, you should also caution your self to stop sleeping with little boys.

    • Baddest
      September 07, 21:05 Reply

      Why did he promise and fail.
      I no Dey promise anybody what I can’t do .. the kito rate is too high!
      I don’t want to kill somebody sha oh.
      I met this fine waiter in a bar, I just showed him that I liked him, I didn’t say anything oh but just gestures by being nice enough for him to know, I gave him my number and he promised to come the next day because it was his off day, he later called to tell me that he can’t make it because his workmate begged him to cover for him so he then promised to come to my house on Tuesday.
      He chatted me up on WhatsApp but I refused to reply because I don’t want to leave traces Incase of anything.
      On Tuesday morning I was on an international call and this guy kept on calling me back to back , this was around 8am. This was a serious red flag because he called with like 3 different numbers and gave me up to 20 missed calls .

      I couldn’t leave my international call to a link up wey no even sure, when I was done, I called him back and I was shocked to hear that he is at the entrance of my estate gate.
      I asked him why he didn’t hear from me before coming to my Estate . Luckily enough , my Estate is phone call access type of estate .
      I told him to wait for me at the gate and when I drove towards the gate I saw him with other guy lol.

      So this bastard was coming to my house with someone?? this small brat had plans to kito me … this innocent looking boy surely have some experience and was gonna try it with a wrong guy ..

      I can never let someone I don’t know well well bring another person to my house … Never Ever !
      I asked him who he was with, he said he came with his friend lol , I asked him why he is coming to my house so early ? I pretended like I never arranged to see him .
      I even think that there was a lady with them sef .

      Anyways I block all the numbers that he used to call me then deleted them from my phone .

      I no wan kill person because of kito.

      Before I take anyone to my house, I take routes that they won’t remember and I make sure they are not with anyone .
      Too many thieves out there .

      Another story –

      I met another boy in the beach, chatted him up and guess what ? He is from ojo but he came to island because of work , anyway I gave him transport and told him that he can visit me if he wants , I didn’t promise him work at all, I gave him 1k which was supposed to be transport to and fro but he called me to let me know he has been spending the money on other things so I made it clear to him that I won’t send him one naira if he finishes the money .

      He asked me if I will give him transport to go back home if he comes and I agreed , he came after few days and we chilled and did stuffs, he did some foreplays , he claimed that it was his first time lol . He had some gay friends and knows about kito crime, I claimed not to know about stuffs like that, he mentioned TB and I acted like I didn’t know what he was saying.

      This boy is so handsome but it’s clear that all he wants is money and will be prince if I befriend him but I wanted to try and maybe support him .

      When he was going I gave him 2k for transport but the actual transport costs 300 naira or at most 500 naira at peak time , the next day he called me telling me that he needs money to print CV lol.
      I asked him what happened to the 2k I gave him and he said that he used it to eat blah blah lol and I told him that I don’t have money and this boy had the gut to say that I can’t give money for common CV..

      I cut the phone and blocked the Mumu, I can’t remember giving birth to any ungrateful Mumu.

      In the same beach I met this tough looking guy , who walked up to me, calling me fresh boy, fine bobo etc , I sat on the bench and had some convo with him and he told me how he was in that beach to hustle because he can’t go home because everyone thinks he is in Dubai.

      The story touched me and even though it can be wash wash story but I believed him, he needed 4K to start weed hustle in the beach , I gave him 5k and this guy wanted my number by all means but I didn’t give him, he didn’t even have a phone sef.

      I didn’t want to give him my number because I didn’t help him because I want to hook up with him, I wanted to help but next time when I go to that beach, I hope to see him and hopefully things might happen and I hope it won’t be kito things but I think I can trust him sha ..

      We must be careful especially adventurous people like who like taking risks. we must be very careful

      Pardon my long write up ?

  7. Chocolad??
    September 07, 12:33 Reply

    Well handled!?
    I guess if we keep outsmarting these mofos, they will eventually settle for a decent job.
    So embarrassing, some people!

    • Malik
      September 08, 06:22 Reply

      Yeah. I agree. You shouldn’t be mandated to settle a hook up.

      That said, where are the decent jobs? Abi na abroad you dey?

  8. Jason 19
    September 07, 16:21 Reply

    That first dude is so meee!
    All I need is just one fucking red flag then I’m done making conclusions, lol.
    But that second dude running is funny and lame af, if I was the one I’d just kukuma sit down there and switch off my phone, imagine a scenario where you are really a fraud wouldn’t you and your cohorts chase after him?
    My paranoia sleek af!

  9. Peaches
    September 10, 00:48 Reply

    I have read my eyes today. Olutayoooooo! I was in your shoes the whole read and now I can’t make it to the door without you leading the way!.

  10. […] So, as we chatted, I asked if he was on Instagram or Facebook. I might as well find my answers on his social media. But I was met with disappointment there when he said he wasn’t on Facebook, and that his Instagram account had recently been blocked because of a post he made that went against Community Standards. I wasn’t even bothered that he could be kito when he gave these excuses, for two reasons: one, he was the one coming to see me, and two, you simply cannot come to my house and kito me. In my territory, I am the Mad King. […]

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