I remember the time that there was some trending drama on Facebook long ago – I can’t remember when, or the full details of it, but the here’s the summary of it: a heterosexual man made a sex-shaming post complaining about “these filthy gays” on his friends list who come inbox to approach him for sex. The argument that followed opened the floodgates for the homophobes of social media to have a field day with tasteless comments like: “I cover my nyash with the blood of Jesus…” – whatever that means.

It was both funny and unfunny at the same time, because the dude in question looked like the struggle, with a face that even a mother would find difficult to love. Damn! Quasimodo, aren’t you just the embodiment of sex appeal? Fuck me already!

The whole drama looked gimmicky both to me and other pro-gay users of Facebook because he could simply say no to the unflattering advances or use the block button which is one click away. But hey, what better way to draw attention to yourself than to employ readily available homophobia to slut-shame and spite the deplorable gays who have been fingered (pun intended) for several natural disasters around the world – including Hurricane Katrina – and would stop at no length until they bring about the gay apocalypse.

Now that was that.

And then, sometime last week, I stumbled upon another post in a Facebook group, but this time, it was updated by someone I know is gay. He made a slut-shaming post mocking a dude who had approached him for sex; he even attached their conversation to further spite the person who dared to ask him for sex. I went to the comments section, thinking that perhaps someone would see how deeply disturbing the entire post was. But it was even more heartbreaking that those egging him on and having a good laugh were people I knew for sure are gay. I found this disturbing to say the least, that no one could see how problematic the post was.

Dear Gay Men,

I really hate to burst your bubble, but someone has to break the bad news: You are not Madonna. Get over yourself. If there are people that you fancy, then it should not come as a surprise that someone else fancies you too. You’re a human being, and if you are attractive enough, like it or not, you’d be hit on. You may or may not be interested, but being the object of someone’s interest is part of nature’s law, just like gravity. For every person who wants to fuck you, there are a couple more who do not want to fuck you. And unless the guy making a move into your DM possesses some degree of digital clairvoyance to help him discern your interest or disinterest, someone has to ask you out at some point. It is then your prerogative to either give consent or simply say no.

As if it is not already hard enough that we risk being slut-shamed by heterosexuals in this world where konji is real and no man wears his sexuality/preference on his forehead for potential chykers’ information; we also have to risk getting scorned and slut-shamed for wanting sex from a fellow gay man? And like I’ll always say: if the pestering gets unbecoming, what happened to using the block button? I mean, if that is what we preach to heterosexuals when they take umbrage at being propositioned by gays – to simply refuse their advances or use the block button – why can’t it just be enough for us to do the same? What is the point of slut-shaming the interested person who wandered into your inbox, as if sex is an alien concept?

Why regale us with the tales of what goes on in your DM? You want a cookie for turning down unwanted sexual advances like a normal human being? Should being considered worthy of a shag come as surprise? Is it a reflection of insecurity or do we just think too highly of ourselves when we feel like we have to publicize that “No” we said to the guy who asked for a hookup?

I know these are things that should go without saying, but then someone has to play Captain Obvious. I am not trying to be a pontificator without a podium; the younger me may be found wanting in times past. But then, isn’t that where learning comes in? Cos I can say that part of maturity for me is perhaps learning how to turn down an unflattering sexual advance without having to be stuck-up or be a dick about it.

Written by Jon Snow

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  1. Phydell
    December 02, 07:10 Reply

    you are so right… seriously, it’s so sad to hear that even in the gay community we are not safe.. What ever happened to protecting eachothers interest?? We really should learn to think before we act…. What if someone did that to the accuser in question, would he like it?? Simple things we take for granted often turns out to be some of the worst mistakes… Nice article….

  2. Thor
    December 02, 07:56 Reply

    Errr. I think slut shaming others is a bad thing however, when it comes to group chats, people could be so free with themselves and the members there in so much so that they feel they can share the happenings in their inbox. Not for the purpose of slut shaming but as a means to create humour and make the group more lively.
    That aside, why do you come off as this kind of elder brother that would want their younger ones to trail in their own exact footstep? You know, the ‘team matured’ card you’re playing. Not cute!

    • Jon Snow
      December 02, 08:35 Reply

      I guess it’s all fun and games until you’re the one on the receiving end *pun intended

      It is not a maturity card, it is saying that simple things like this should go unsaid, while aknowledging that we learn everyday.

      • Julian_woodhouse
        December 02, 09:10 Reply

        Jon Snow wey sabi something….. Me likey… In other news, what do you like to be called… Jon snow, captain obvious, sweetheart, or my personal favorite..doorling…. *bats eyelashes demurely*

      • Julian_woodhouse
        December 02, 09:17 Reply

        P.S. – The name’s khaleesi, but my friends call me dany. Nice to meetcha

    • Pink Panther
      December 02, 08:52 Reply

      So calling out something he sees as wrong is him playing a team mature card and him not being cute?

  3. Drogo
    December 02, 08:02 Reply

    Preach Brother! Preach! There’s no need to be a dick because someone hit on you, Get over yourself! Jon snow this post is everything ?

  4. Keredim
    December 02, 09:16 Reply

    This generalisation is epic.

    So do all gay men carry out this “slut-shaming” or just the ones in a section of your tiny Facebook group??

    • Julian_woodhouse
      December 02, 09:26 Reply

      dear gay men, dear white people, dear straight people, ker booboo… If the condom doesn’t fit, don’t struggle to wear it. The point which you got has been made.

      • keredim
        December 02, 10:05 Reply

        Be that as it may Mr Woodhouse, “sometimes one bad apple spoils the whole barrel of apples” Key word is “Sometimes”

        I like to think there are certain negative stereotypes SOME straight people append to ALL gay men, that do not apply to you and you’d like to correct the misconception.

    • Pjay
      December 02, 10:36 Reply

      I understand why you’d feel this way. You have an entire blog devoted to sharing snippets of your conversations with less privileged gay men on grindr.

      • Keredim
        December 02, 11:47 Reply

        Good observation, but you failed to observe that the posts don’t generalise, which is the point i am making.

        And if you go by the “moralistic” principle of not sharing private conversations, do we keep private comversations with homophobes to ourselves? Have you never shared a private conversation with anyone?

        And by “less privileged gay men on grindr”, you mean those that “read” my profile and see the incompatibility and still express interest?

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