“Thirty minutes of romance on the phone?” Biola reiterated, his laughter bubbling up through the words as he steered his way down Airport Road. “Oh, I can’t. I just can’t.”

“Stop joor,” I said, chuckling from the passenger seat. “I finished that gist three minutes ago. Let it go joor.” I shivered at the air-conditioned chill in the car as I glanced out through the wound-up window at the light rain sheeting down through the late afternoon. It was the last gasps of the rainy season before it bowed out for the Harmattan.

“I can’t o. That part is just tickling me to death. Anytime I think of that line ‘thirty minutes of romance on the phone’, I die afresh.” His body shook with the gentle force of his mirth as he leaned forward to wipe the condensation on the windscreen before him. The moisture disappeared momentarily, but fingerprint smudges remained. “That Iyke sef – was he serious? I mean, how could he type that with a straight face? Chai! All these people wey konji dey use play football no go kill me.” Another spurt of laugh burst from the back of his throat.

“He sounded serious o. I can’t speak for his frame of mind, but I was on my own end of the chat, vacillating between laughter and vexation.”

“So wait, he threatened to end your relationship” – he raised a hand from the steering wheel to put finger quotes on the word – “unless you give him thirty minutes of romance on the phone. Forgive me, I know you’ve said that and even shown me the chat, but I had to repeat it to myself to savour the sheer ridiculousness of that. What does that even mean?”

“Let’s not forget the other alternative of airtime to show that I’m sorry.”

“Chai! There’s nothing we will not see in the hands of these ratchet hood-rats o. I remember a couple of years ago, one hood-rat in Benue or something called me. I don’t know how he even got my number. When I asked why he called me, he said, ‘I just call you because of fren.’ I’m like, ‘Because of what?’ He repeats, ‘Because of fren, fren.’” I had started to chortle as Biola continued, “I was just too angry then to laugh, because he’d woken me from a nap. I warned him never to pick up his phone and dial my number again. In retrospect, I was too harsh, and I felt a little guilty afterwards. He sounded like he was just a kid. But, my dear, the grammar just dislodged something in my brain.”

Laughingly, I said, “I’m guessing ‘fren’ means ‘friendship’, which ultimately means ‘sex.’”

“My dear oh, what we won’t see in this gay Nigerian dating pool,” Biola concurred, before we gave in to our hilarity. He began to ease up his speed as he joined the traffic of vehicles snaking its way through the toll gates a few yards ahead. “I think I need to give this ultimatum to all my offenders.”

“What ultimatum?” I asked as I rummaged in the glove compartment for change to hand to Biola as the toll fee.

“Once you offend me, there’ll be no forgiveness until we have thirty minutes of romance on the phone. I don’t know what it means or how to do it, but I will learn. It sounds enterprising.”

I rocked back on my seat with laughter. “That line is stuck on repeat in your head, I see.”

“Oh you have no idea.”

Soon he was steering his way past the turnpike and barrelling down the sloping bends of the road leading to Murtala Muhammed Local Airport. We were on our way to receive an old friend who was relocating back to Lagos due to a work transfer from his job as a real estate agent. Martin Ebitigha had been a Lagosian up till about five years ago when in one swift wave of happenstance, his parents relocated to Enugu following his father’s retirement, and he got a job with a real estate company in Abuja. I made his acquaintance while we were students in the Federal University of Technology, Owerri, and our friendship had taken its roots in Lagos when it turned out he knew Biola, who was a mutual friend of his and Yinka’s. I didn’t know Biola then, but my acquaintanceship with him firmed when it became apparent that I had two friends who were close to him. In those days, our gang had comprised of me, Ekene, Yinka, Martin, Biola and Adebola. Martin and his family had already moved away from Lagos before Eddie and Paschal, and then Jonathan came into the picture.

On Tuesday, Biola got a call from Martin announcing his relocation back to Lagos. The Lagos office of the agency where he worked was starting to flourish and had requested more old hands to come help keep up with the pace. Martin had jumped at the chance to be on the team of transferees, and now, Biola and I were headed for the airport to receive him from his 5:05pm flight from Abuja.

It wasn’t very long before Biola pulled up in the tiered parking lot of the local airport. We made our way to the Arrivals and loitered along with the straggly number of people waiting for the incoming passengers. Occasionally, the public address system blared with the female voice announcing, welcoming and rescheduling the different flight appointments.

When it was a few minutes past 6, a horde of passengers spilled out into the arrival area; those who travelled light continued on toward the outer section where their welcome parties waited, while the others with luggage they’d checked in remained behind and watched as their bags bounced down the ramp into the carousel.

“There he is,” Biola said as he pointed to the slim-framed, light-skinned man hefting a large valise from the carousel.

“Still as flat-assed as ever, I see,” I said with fond cattiness.

Biola chuckled. “Who needs a big ass when you’ve got a pretty face? Adebola is so going to hate being usurped as the pretty one in the group.”

I guffawed at that.

The man began rolling his luggage in our direction, lifting his sunglasses to his forehead in time to see us grinning at him. He grinned back and hurried forward, his slight frame looking like it would teeter over, what with all the baggage he was towing forward.

He made it through the barrier in time for Biola and I squeal in unison, “SAINT MARTHA!”

He stopped short and divided a mock-stern look between us. “This is why I hate Lagos,” he said with the familiar slight lisp I’d had to listen to over the phone for the past five years. “You come back to it, and you find yourself reacquainting yourself with rubbish friends and horrid nicknames.”

“Look at you, other Lagos importees are lamenting the hold-ups and the heat, and your problem is that we refused to forget your nickname?” Biola sniped back.

“Unless of course you have had sex, we can always modify the nickname,” I said teasingly as we engulfed each other in an expansive embrace.

“Oh my God, it’s been so long. How are you guys doing?” Martin enthused.

“Just fine,” I answered. Even though all I’d seen of him in the past five years had been from social media photo updates, nothing prepared me for how much he hadn’t changed. As he laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkled handsomely the way I remembered. He looked like a man confident of the rightness of every decision he’d ever made in his entire life, from the choice of his perfumed clothing to the decision to uproot his entire life from Abuja back to Lagos.

“You have no idea how surprised I was to hear from you,” Biola said as we picked up items of his belongings and started for the elevator that would take us back upstairs and to the parking lot. “To hear that you were returning… I was so psyched.”

“For someone who was psyched, I don’t see the red carpet,” Martin sallied.

Biola gave a short laugh. “Don’t worry, all that is set at my place. You do know you’ll be staying with me for a while before you have to go to your auntie’s house in Lekki, right?”

Martin nodded. “Yea, I’ve already told her not to expect me until Sunday. It’s just Friday anyway. I don’t have to get down to work, not until Wednesday next week.”

“Ooh, enough time to get your Gidi groove back on!”

“You haven’t changed one bit sha,” I said, still taking him in appreciatively.

“Aww, thanks, Dee. Neither have you too… Well, maybe, except for a wrinkle here and a shrinkle there.”

I gave a mock-gasp. “Are you saying I’ve aged – because I just celebrated my sweet sixteen a few months ago.”

“Don’t sweat it, darling. It’s nothing a little Botox won’t fix.”

“Saint Martha, Saint Martha!” Biola crowed. “So tell us nah, are you still more virgin than the Holy Mother? Abi you don share the booty in equal ration for all the men in Abuja?”

“By asking about me sharing my booty, you’re implying that I’m Bottom, right?”

“Oh my God, don’t tell me –”

“Yup,” Martin cut in. “I still don’t identify with any sexual role – top, bottom or versatile.”

“You can’t still be asexual, can you?” I cut in. “Honey, it’s been five years in the land of the national cake. And you’re prettier than Miss Nigeria. You can’t tell me you carried on with your sainthood from here to Abuja.”

Martin chuckled. “I’m not a saint, Dee.”

“If you haven’t been spreading those legs, hon, you’re a saint,” Biola quipped. “What does it even mean for one to be asexual? It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“I mean, I know the dictionary term,” I said, “but how can any person not want to have sex?”

“That’s just the way it is, people,” Martin replied gaily as Biola led us to his car and unlocked the boot for us to stow away Martin’s luggage.

“So you haven’t done it still,” Biola queried.


“In all your twenty-nine years of existence on this earth that God gave us to do with as we desire…”


“Not even once?” I asked this time.

“Depends on what you mean by ‘doing it’ really,” Martin said. The car doors opened and the three of us slid inside; Martin got comfortable in the backseat. He continued as Biola turned the ignition. “I have kissed and cuddled. But that’s it.”

“So you don’t like sex?” Biola asked.

“Well…” Martin finished with a shrug.

“How can you know what you like or dislike if you haven’t even tried it?”

“Who said I haven’t tried? The friends I made in Abuja constantly made me feel something was wrong with me. And I believed them. So I constantly tried to be ‘normal’. One time, I was with a guy, we kissed and cuddled. Then I decided to push myself and give him a blow job.”

“Atta boy!” I hailed with a smile.

“No, no,” Martin refuted, wagging his forefinger at me. “I wasn’t Atta-anything. I couldn’t do it for up to fifteen seconds. I wrapped that dick with my lips, and seconds later, I was gagging. I got up, ran to the toilet and puked.”

“Ehn?” Biola said, making a face as he navigated his way through the parking lot. “He had a bad odour down there?”

“Nope, nothing of the sort.”

“So why?” I asked.

“I was repulsed by it.”


“What’s your most hated colour, Declan?”

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Just tell me!”

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in green.”

“Why do you hate green?”

“I don’t know, I just hate –” I broke off when I saw the trap I’d fallen into.

Biola burst out laughing. “Oh Declan, I can’t believe you didn’t see that coming.”

“You minx!” I hissed when I whirled around to see the grin on Martin’s face.

“What? There you go nau. You hate it and you can’t explain it. Why are you stimulated by the penis, but repulsed by the vagina?”


“Answer that, and then you’ll also have your answer as to why I’m repulsed by sex.”

“Virgin Martha of God!” Biola exclaimed.

“That’s just the way it is, girls. There was a time when I allowed people make me feel something was wrong with me. I believed I had a disease and needed help. It caused me to experience a phase of self loathing and pain. But that phase is so over. I love myself, just as I am.”

“But I can’t still get why anyone would not like sex,” Biola said.

“That is exactly our problem. We have made such a big issue of sex. It’s either we prohibit it, think the worst of those who have too much of it, poke fun at those who have too little of it, and sometimes jail people who have the kinds of sex we don’t approve of. Adults should be allowed to make their sexual choices. If two adults agree to enter into a room and play with their bodies, that should not be a problem. And if any adult decides that such ‘play’ is not for him, why should it be a problem? Human society seems to have a knack for creating problems for itself out of nothing: a disturbing use of creativity.”

“Such intelligence!” Biola exclaimed again. “Please fuck me now!”

“Eww! What, you’re asking me to commit incest now?”

Both of them began laughing.

“But don’t you feel any attraction for men?” I asked pedantically.

“I feel an attraction for men. But I don’t have sex with them. Heck, I also feel an attraction for women, but I don’t want to have sex with them either.”

Oga oh! Now I’m confused,” Biola said. “So you are bisexual in terms of attraction but asexual at the same time?”

“I’m not bisexual. I’m asexual.”

“And I’m very confused. There has to be a sexual orientation for those who don’t understand the sexualities of others, no?”

Martin chuckled, totally taking Biola’s caustic humour in stride. “Bee, you have come face to face with more variety in nature than fits into your limited perspective or classification of things. When confronted with such, instead of denying it, cussing, assuming or pretending it doesn’t exist, the smart thing would be to readjust your classification, because the aim of every classification is that it should be a true classification of natural categories. And in that regard, our classification of sexuality falls flat on its face. I’m done hating myself because of the narrow-mindedness of human beings. I love myself as I am and I’m alright.”

“You are totally right,” I said, nodding in acquiescence. “And the funny thing is that the homosexual fought for the longest time to be seen as normal. Yet he thinks the transgender person is abnormal and the asexual needs help, thereby proving that he is not better than those he has fought all along. Why can’t we just be accepting of one another and be happy?”

“All that and many more we shall discuss over ice cream and pizza,” Biola declared, before throwing a quick look behind. “Gurl, Coldstone is in Lagos and their ice cream is to die for.”

“After the horrid airplane food I had, I’m ready for anything sinful that’ll send me straight to heaven.”

“Preach it, sister!”

And we cheered madly as Biola floored the accelerator in the direction of the heart of the city.

Written by Pink Panther

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    • JArch
      November 02, 08:27 Reply

      Sharrap dia my friend

      You that’s been been shagging boys, men, girls and women… Then you suddenly decided to take a break and you’re now clamoring for the asexual title… Don’t worry, I know how to treat your matter. It’s not hard at all

      • Dennis Macaulay
        November 02, 09:10 Reply

        Is it your asexual eh? Is it your own?

        I am asexual going foward!

        **makes it into a sticker and puts on the front door **

    • Pink Panther
      November 02, 08:41 Reply

      *looking at Dennis one kain* And yet you’re planning to elope to Prague with James, eh? Asexual oshi!

      • JArch
        November 02, 08:46 Reply

        Asin eh!!! Dennis has no chill aswear…. Prague ko Prada ni

          • Max
            November 02, 12:47 Reply

            “Asexual hoe”, gotta add that to my never ending list of new phrases.

  1. JArch
    November 02, 08:30 Reply

    Pinky but why are you like this now? Eh? My sub just full everywhere on this story and then you decided to asexual inside this matter… My God is watching you with 3D glasses.

    Me and you have plenty beef to chop, we’ll make everything to beef burgers to ofensala and everything else in between, cos this beef is big oo

    • Pink Panther
      November 02, 08:40 Reply

      Hehehehee! Do I prepare the kitchen grill for all this beef preparation?

  2. pete
    November 02, 08:42 Reply

    Nice one, Pinky. I love how you address issues & weave them into stories.

  3. Mandy
    November 02, 08:48 Reply

    There’s a new kid in the block. And his name is Virgin Martha. Lol.
    Biola’s humour though. I love the dynamics of these guys’ friendship.

  4. Delle
    November 02, 09:15 Reply

    Oh my dearest PP. Always putting every nip into place. It’s such a wonder how u manage to add every off detail, even if someone’s phone rings in that airport, be sure PP would include all of that. Lol. Nice work sweetheart.

    I actually live around that place u used as the setting (seems I and Biola live in the same area…can I meet with him soon? Lol), so I was actually living in the moment. It was mind-blowing. Ehen, thanks a mil PP 4 d wonderful teaching excerpt u included…I’ve always been confused about that asexual thingy (Biology didn’t do justice to that word atallz).
    Looking forward to seeing the next episode!!! *in Cookie’s voice*

  5. Ruby
    November 02, 10:03 Reply

    I crave for friendships like these….
    Sadly, the friendships I once had backfired in Мy face so I’m content with Мy boo n daughter.
    The less pipo you deal with, the less bullshit you deal with.
    I hope people can learn and also understand that sexuality is on a continum.
    Hence we should appreciate one anothers differences no matter what.

  6. Khaleesi
    November 02, 11:09 Reply

    Ohh Chi m! Asexual kwa?? I really cant wrap my head around how a person who’s alive can be empty of all sexual attraction, well well … i guess thats the same way the homophobe cant understand why a man will be totally unattracted to females… well well … Nice piece Pinky!!

    • Pink Panther
      November 02, 11:30 Reply

      No Khaleesi, there’s sexual attraction. Just not the need to pursue it to a sexual release. If you can understand how nuns and priests can stick religiously to their vows, then this ought to make sense to you.

      • JustJames
        November 02, 12:05 Reply

        You sure you’re not confusing asexuals with being celibate?

        Asexual people tend to not feel any kind of sexual attraction.

        It’s not that hard to wrap your head around if you try.

        You know how you cannot imagine sleeping with a female.. probably gives you the creeps? It’s similar to that (with or without the creeps). Or how you have friends you love to death but no sexual attraction. That’s it. Being asexual is just that but not towards just friends but to everyone even when you are romantically interested in them.

        And don’t confuse people that have sexual attractions but don’t do penetration with asexuals. In the gay community they are called sides (cucumber comes to mind).

        Honestly the definition on Wikipedia summarises it.

        • Pink Panther
          November 02, 13:28 Reply

          You’re right, James. This was fresh education for me.

    • Mandy
      November 02, 11:33 Reply

      The goal here ultimately is for us to understand that there are a lot more can be found under the rainbow umbrella. And these deserve our respect and tolerance.

  7. michael
    November 02, 11:30 Reply

    finally a little something to cheer me up after that tedious and boring lecture

    Yea. we also have coldstone in Enugu.

  8. posh6666
    November 02, 14:58 Reply

    Cant imagine life without sex infact a month without sex.There are two things in life that makes me happy and so long as am able to have them am good and dont really care about pretty much anyother thing money&sex.When am depressed as soon as i sex am good,when i have a headache instead of panadol most people take i fuck and my head relieves me☺ cant remember when last i took panadol

  9. Dickson Clement
    November 02, 15:51 Reply

    Martin is not asexual in the real sense of the word. He has sexual feelings for both males and females, he just does not want to have sexual relation. I am yet to see a true asexual being… because a true asexual won’t even engage in foreplay or romance because he doesn’t feel a thing.

    • ronniephoenix
      November 02, 16:47 Reply

      Hi dickson clement, first an asexual can have sex. I for instance have been raped and have also had sex at age 9 and 14 respectively and with the female and male sex, but that doesn’t mean I’m no longer asexual.

      I am transgender as well as asexual, I am panromantic ( pansexual comes to mind).

      There is no such thing as a true asexual, there are just variations of romantic orientations (instead of sexual orientation).

      • posh6666
        November 02, 17:20 Reply

        Ronnie my fragile brain just ruptured my God how can only one person be so complicated?only u raped,transgender,asexual,pansexual lol lol.

      • ronniephoenix
        November 02, 19:50 Reply

        I don’t have friends cause am an introvert and I really don’t have control of my mood most times, I may “vent” on someone and I hate hurting people’s feelings.

    • ronniephoenix
      November 02, 18:47 Reply

      O posh, for God’s sake would you just leave me the fuck alone? I hate meddlesome pricks.
      (The very reason I don’t have friends)

      It’s not my problem you are close minded.

      People are different and it’s gonna be good for you if you begin to open your mind.

      I still love you no matter what, I never hate people.

      *kisses* posh.


      • posh6666
        November 02, 19:02 Reply

        Love u too mama!why should i ever hate another human?we can disagree to agree tomorow thats who i am.No permanent enemy and honestly i suggest u try and make few friends,yes people are crazy but it really helps to have sum1 to vent one’s fears,frustrations and even have fun with generally am very sure it will help improve ur mood majorly.

  10. ronniephoenix
    November 02, 16:41 Reply

    O pink, if not that we haven’t met I would have said you stole my life story and merged it in Martin.

    By the way, there are labels for (a)sexual orientations, our dear adebola may be biromantic (kind of like bisexual).

    And finally the (only) asexual in the building would love to formally thank you pink.

  11. Rev; Hot
    November 02, 17:59 Reply

    Omo see different sexual orientations flying around….. I’m just GAY oooo…

    • posh6666
      November 02, 18:14 Reply

      Hahahhaha my broda see different kain big big english oh.Me i just like men shikena!

  12. Rev; Hot
    November 02, 18:01 Reply

    BTW, Pinky , greaaaat episode….. had me wishing I had a social circle like that.

  13. Dickson Clement
    November 02, 19:25 Reply

    I just had to get back to my books, Asexual: the key word in the definition is feelings! Sexual feelings! So No Sexual feeling. If you as much as admire the beefy chest or the stone hard ass, then u have feelings and as such the exclusion criteria for the word above. Unless I am referred to another standard text that says otherwise, the definition remains no Sexual feeling. An asexual person can be raped, it will not make him gain such Sexual feelings! I need better explanation to the word ‘asexual’ if there is a contrary opinion!

    • ronniephoenix
      November 02, 19:43 Reply

      I didn’t grow sexual feelings after my rape, I already had them. I have these feelings like a normal human being but I just can’t act on them, it repulses me each time I try.

      Go on wikipaedia, there is a better explanation.

    • ronniephoenix
      November 02, 19:45 Reply

      ……. And it isn’t him/his/he. It is she/her or they/them.

      I am transgender.

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