Masculine Black Man has a problem. He is an ‘extremely masc bottom’

Stereotypes ruin the party again. One guy says he has a problem keeping men’s attention as a black, “extremely masc” bottom because he doesn’t conform to perceptions of what bottoms should look and act like.

“I’m the big black muscle guy that looks like a top,” he writes on Reddit. “I’m 19, but I’m beefy as hell, so most people think I’m in my late 20s. I’m also a complete submissive bitch, but most guys don’t expect that out of me. I’m not opposed to topping, but I only like to top guys that I know will be around for a while (like an FWB or a romantic interest). I’ve been told I’m handsome and all of that, but all guys want is the lightweight twink they can throw around. All of my hookups have called me a big dude in a good way, but it seems like it isn’t the dream. Plus I’m black, so everybody thinks I’m a top as well.”

The commenters came out in droves, with some identifying with his struggle. Princeofsnark said, “I’m a 5’5″ twink who hates being thrown around and prefers to top. I have been throwing myself at the gym all year to try and at least look a little bit more “toppy” I guess. The struggle is real, man.”

taytrtots added: “6 foot muscle btm with the opposite issue ? love a guy to throw me around but only seem to attract twink btms.”

Some others encouraged the Redditor, like sitdownandtalktohim, who said: “Dude…Post pics on Grindr, let the muscle see your muscle and they come to you?”

gres06 gushed: “You are like my dream guy!”

klartraume commented: “Bruh, you’re 19. A lot of gays are still virgins at 19, still figuring out their sexuality at 19, and/or still figuring out how to adult at 19. At least speaking for myself, at 19 sexual power-play went well over my head. Give your peers a little time to sort themselves. There’s loads of men attracted to beefy, masculine, and handsome bottoms. You might face some headwinds. People might stereotype you as a top based on your melanin, build, and demeanor. But those stereotypes are tired and as you get a bit older, you’ll notice your peers don’t trust in them so blindly. Instead trust you will make a lucky guy very happy down the line just as you are. (As someone in his late 20s, I guarantee you that you don’t look like you’re in your late 20s. Y’all look like kids now, even though I felt like a total adult then too. <3).”

Then there were those who offered some pertinent insight on his situation. TheMagicBola said, “Your problem isn’t being a masc bottom. I’m on the masc side and I have no issue getting fucked. Your problem is you’re a big guy and you’re only 19. There are huge muscle tops that would be more than willing to powerfuck you. But you’re 19, really new to gay adult life, and probably havent made the connections to the people you really want to fuck. Don’t worry, it’ll come.”

However, when another commenter countered his comment with: “Not to be crass but the fact that he’s 19 will just add to the reasons why tops would love him”, SandyDelights doubled down on the comment by saying: “Not necessarily. And frankly, I’m quite certain most of my top-only friends would agree, 19 is way too young. Granted, we’re all in our 30s (and one or two are 40-41), but yeah. I’m pretty sure we all feel like a pedophile if we even look too long at someone who’s under 24.

“Past the stigma of feeling like you’re creeping on a child, there’s just a lot to have to deal with when someone’s young. The other day this cute 22 year old was hitting me up – usually way too young for me but hella adorable – and I asked what all he was into and he’s like ‘I’m a top’ and I’m like, ‘Anything else?’ and he says, ‘What else is there?’

“Which, cool if you’re not into it, but if you actually have to ask what else there is to the ‘What are you into?’ question, you’re probably waaaay too inexperienced for me to really enjoy myself. And that’s exactly what you get with a 19 year old: inexperience. Top, bottom, flip, frot, oral, sideways upways backways and so on, it doesn’t matter.

“Of course there’s always the exception on both sides of that situation, but yeah. I don’t want to have to explain douching or spend half the time telling them what to do or how to do it, how to position themselves, to stop moving out of the position I put them in, what muscle groups they can use or how to use them to make it more enjoyable for both of us. Too much responsibility, too much effort, and not something I’m interested in doing when my goal is to get in, enjoy myself for an hour or two, get off at least once, and then get out.

“Youth and energy can be way overrated; experience is much, much more valuable in the bedroom. Yeah yeah, I know, there’s exceptions, and there’s been a time or three I’ve brought some 21/22 year old home and been quite pleased, but they’re definitely not the mainstay.

“And, to OP, don’t worry, none of that is a bad thing. You learn as you grow and experience the world. I’m not envious of you being more than a decade my junior, but I am envious to get to experience a lot of the freedom and lack of inhibition for the first time. Man if I could go back and do it all again…. ? (That is to say, I would, and probably thrice as much and twice as soon).”

This addresses the perception that masculine men can’t be desired as bottoms, but what about the bias against black men as bottoms? Unfortunately, the Redditor is far from alone, and the fetishization of certain races is yet again to blame. Take this Thought Catalog essay titled Dear White Gays: Not All Black Guys Are Tops.

“I want you to know that when you approach me at the bar or online and you assume I’m a top, or that I’m hung, or that I’m hung and a top, I feel dehumanized,” the author writes. “It feels like you’re reducing me to a thing that can perform a service for you, not like a mutual bond, the way sex should be.”

He concludes with: “When you’re a black gay guy, bottoming is a political stance. It’s a small way of saying, I don’t want to play the game of upholding dehumanizing stereotypes and images. I don’t want to confirm media and cultural stereotypes about black ‘virile’ masculinity.”

Moral of the story: We should all just appreciate humanity in its all many forms, and, more specifically, men who have sex with men in all their many roles.