RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 16)
I have often talked about my disdain for (many) civil servants; they are often the laziest, meanest and rudest bunch of people who to serve the public. I reckon I am generalizing as I have no empirical data to support this claim. However after having dealt with soooooo many of them, I think I can make this statement. In the course of my job, I interphase with lots of government agencies, and quite honestly, any day I have to go to any government agency is never a good day for me. I dread such days.
Let me share one experience with you guys. Very recently, I went to the Ministry of Health to sort out some issues regarding the HIV management programme of Rivers State that we are involved in. I needed to get some documents from the ministry which someone high up the food chain needed to prepare a report. Now government offices are mostly labeled wrongly; so reading the signs to find the office that I was going to was a big fail. I also had to take the stairs to climb to the 12th floor of the secretariat. After my experience at NNPC office here in Port Harcourt, when my colleague and I were stuck in an elevator for almost thirty minutes, I made a mental note never to take the elevator in a government-owned building; besides I am very active so taking the stairs wasn’t so bad.
When I finally located the office (after being redirected four times), the man who was supposed to give me the document was sleeping soundly on his desk while his colleagues chatted away. I tried to wake him and the rest scolded me that the man was tired and needed some rest, and that I should simply wait till he wakes up (yes, you read right). After Snow White (the Nigerian male edition) woke up from his slumber, I told him what I wanted. He said yes, he could give me the documents, but that there was no ink to print them. I suggested he email them to me, and he said their WiFi was not working, so I should come back next week. My Blackberry had a flat battery, so I couldn’t turn on my hotspot. So I begged him to share his hotspot with the computer so he could email me the documents. He refused, saying, “No be my papa work.” This wasn’t supposed to make use of more than a few megabytes.
To save y’all the long gist, I had to get to the Port Harcourt mall, buy two cartridges of ink (colored and black) and came back again to wake up Snow White to print the documents for me. Then he refused to hand me the cartridges, and I nearly brought that office down with the sound of my voice before they were returned to me.
I swear to God, (many) civil servants bring out the worst in me!
*
Sometimes, very funny things happen to me that I don’t know whether to be angry, amused or irritated over. Sometime ago, I went out with someone I met recently. We had connected on grindr and had been talking for awhile before committing to meet. We hooked up in a night club. Now, I am not much of a clubber as I find the music too loud, the air choking with all manner of smoke and all; but he wanted to meet in a club and I agreed. I think of myself as an amazing dancer, so I did manage to enjoy myself anyway. After the club, he suggested we go to his place (judge nut). Since I already felt comfortable with him and since it was too late to head out to my area, I obliged. During our conversations online, he’d indicated that he lived alone, but I was soon to find out that it was a big white lie.
We pulled up in front of a big house, that is, a gigantic, palatial mansion, and I was uneasy because, in my opinion, there was no way this was just his house. When he got in, the first sign that something was amiss was when we went in through the back and entered something that was clearly a kitchen. The lights were out, but I knew it was a kitchen. And I suddenly became alarmed when I realized we were sneaking – like, literally sneaking in – as though not to rouse someone.
Then I asked why we were sneaking in. And he said, “Erm, my brothers and sisters are around and they may be in the living room. I don’t want them to hear me.” My head nearly exploded. I reminded him that he said he lived alone and I started to mentally bemoan my fate. My flat was empty, as in totally empty, and here I was, sneaking around in someone’s house like an intruder. I turned to leave, but then I remembered we came in his car, plus I did not even know my way out of the house. If I ran into someone on the way out, what would I say I was doing there? What if he disowned me (which was a possibility), I’d be on TV as a criminal quicker than it took GEJ to lose the elections. So I held my peace and stayed put.
Eventually we got into an unlit room and stayed there. I told him I’d be out of the house before 5am. The dude had other things on his mind and started to feel me up, and my slutty body betrayed me so much so that in spite of my resolve not to, I was turned on. We started kissing and groping, and then I glanced around the room and through the dimness, I noticed shoes, bags and dresses. I removed myself from him and got up and turned on the lights. Lo and behold, it was a lady’s bedroom, and judging from the dresses and geles, I knew it was a much older woman’s room – perhaps his his mother’s room. That did it for me and I told him there was no way I was going to have sex with him in his mother’s bedroom. To me, that was the height of disrespect (I still have some traditional values, thank you very much), and we fought about it before he slept. I did not sleep a wink and was out of that house just about 4:30 am (Thank God for my cab driver from my NYSC days).
Now this experience was annoying and insulting amongst other things. I expected the guy to let me know he lived in his family house. I mean, I live alone and we could have gone to my house without any hassles. That was the last time I ever spoke to him, seeing as he even deleted me from BBM before I got home that morning sef.
*
Last Saturday was very free for me as I had absolutely nothing planned. I had no wedding to attend (Hello, Khaleesi), so I luxuriated at home, lounging in bed and spending the entire day on grindr. Oh my gawd! The drama that grindr delivers is always Hollywood worthy, and that Saturday, I came across all sorts. I chatted with a scat lover who said he was proud of his choices and I told him to knock himself out. I mean, I wasn’t judging, but I think of scat and a gazillion pathogenic bacteria come to mind and I shudder.
Then there was the theatrics of ‘Can I see your picture?’ and you send a perfectly clear picture, but you get one in which they are wearing dark shades. I sha have learnt that one, so I request that you send your own photo first and I return the favor based on the kind of photo you send. Then the ‘What do you do’ question, and you say ‘Student’ or ‘Corper’, and you don’t hear from them again lol. When you give a generic answer, some people want you to pin it down to specifics lol. You wonder whether you should fax your appointment letter together with key performance objectives.
You ask someone their hobby just to get a feel of their personality, and they say sex, and you imagine if the person has sex 24 hours of the day. I wonder what happened to all the smart people. Did they move away from Nigeria? After going through (and chatting) with almost 20 profiles, I could not pick out one I wanted to actually meet. Sometimes I really wish I could do the just-hook-up-and-shag thing, but sadly I cannot. Mental connection must be involved.
Oh well, it is what it is.
*
On a final note, someone should give a Bottom 101 class here. Hypothetically speaking, some young chap can come to your house, not knowing the rules of “cleaning up” as well as pre-sex rituals, and then end up leaving some souvenirs on your bed sheets, souvenirs that even Hypo cannot get rid of. Let’s not even talk about the smells during the sex itself.
I am not saying this happened to me, mind you. I am merely speaking hypothetically. So about that class, who should give it for the benefit of Bottoms out there? PP perhaps?
XOXO
DM
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98 Comments
shuga chocolata
May 06, 05:58I swear to God, (many) civil servants bring out the worst in me! Nice entry DM. Totally enjoyed every bit. Kudos. More ink to your cartridge.
Masked Man
May 06, 05:58‘quicker than it took GEJ to lose the elections’
Subtle shading. He’s still our president oh.
Chris
May 06, 06:04How do i say this though i dont ve empirical evidence to back it up, dating anybody below 25yrs and the tendency is high that you will be knocking booths with them in their parent’s or uncle’s house.
zinnat
May 06, 06:13But why lie about living alone?
Chris
May 06, 06:19@Zinnat, telling a date that you are still living with your mummy or pops could put some guys off,
i guess the dude was feeling DM too much and didnt wan a brush off.
zinnat
May 06, 06:24Telling a date who lives alone that u live with your folks sounds reasonable to me, Hello? DM liked him (yes he likes many ppl….lol)
pinkpanthertb
May 06, 06:26LOL! DM’s hoe status appears to be trending today.
Chris
May 06, 06:33@Zinnat, let just say the truth is always a winner.
I wish the guy was honest with DM, if he was half
decent he should be apologising to DM rather than
deleting him off his bbm.
zinnat
May 06, 06:38My point exactly
McGray
May 06, 06:05Pp supported. Btms shld b given Neatness 101A class here.
“There was no way i ws going to have sex with u in your mother’s bedroom. I respect some traditions” Hello Denny, dat ws so so gud of u
Dennis Macaulay
May 06, 07:40Hello McGray
Khal
May 06, 06:07Ok that sneaking guy is a total arsehole and kudos to you (didn’t think you had it in you to close up shop…lol)
One thing I’ve learnt from Grindr is that if the picture comes easily, there’s a 78 percent chance its a fake and they begin to confess all their sins when they see yours and start salivating… 12% says its blury, 5% the picture is am extremely hot version of the person an they don’t look like that no more…lol
I’d rather we met for drinks first upfront and then we plan a date if we’re both interested.
Yeah, some of y’all gotta teach people how to perform the delicate rituals before doing anything… I’ve had to throw away my sheets and the clothes I was wearing one time because my OCD won’t let me realize they’ve been washed.
Mercury
May 06, 06:24Oh snap….you didn’t think he had it in him to close up shop?, as in u mean Dennis is a hoe-bag?
pinkpanthertb
May 06, 06:25LOL!!! Mercury, who appointed you the Mathematics teacher to be breaking down that algebra for us, eh?
Chris
May 06, 06:35@Pp am going to start copying your shading style 🙂
just easy like a sunday morning
pinkpanthertb
May 06, 06:36Hahahahahahaa! Why thanks.
Even though I dunno what you’re talking about. *stirring some sugar into my tea*
Chris
May 06, 06:46@Pp, i gbadun your style, you will shade and play the innocent damsel.
dont add too much sugar to your tea sha, diabetic is trending in 9ja.
Dennis Macaulay
May 06, 07:48Mercury? Me? Hoebag?
You want to air dirty laundry?
zinnat
May 06, 06:21Lying is part of some people’s DNA. Not surprised when i read someone’s story here on KD claiming he graduated from a private Uni buh he attended OAU ife (you know yourself and yes, some of us know u very well).
pinkpanthertb
May 06, 06:23LMAO!!! You mean am? Zinnat, may I extend an invitation to the Lipstick Gang’s next meeting for the sharing of some of this gossip you’re hoarding… 😀
zinnat
May 06, 06:29PP darling, I thought you’d never ask.
Chris
May 06, 06:40What did he do that for, duh! preferably a Federal uni to a private uni
anytime any day( no offence meant at private uni guys o, personal preference)
, the dude is just silly and ignorant, Jeez!
Peak
May 06, 07:57Zinnat! You shady lil creature. I see hon. You stay dropping shades like its planting season. The shade over the weekend gave me all kinds of life. You might wanna slow down though, we don’t want a nigga catching a heart attack, do we?
zinnat
May 06, 08:10Peak dearie, babalawos cure heart attack…dont they?
Deola
May 06, 08:17Zinnat…I dey see your work. Kontinu oh!
***sips green tea***
Peak
May 06, 08:22Lmfao hahahahaha I haff died!!!!
Abeg where una see this zinnat bring come from? Lol. Dude I must not lose my job ooooo. I’m laughing like a crazed man and my boss has given me 2 looks aleady. Chai see reading.
Mitch
May 06, 08:45Hmmmm!
Zinnat, kontinu ooooo. *goes back to filing my nails while listening to Omawunmi’s “When Breeze Blow………………..”*
zinnat
May 06, 08:46Peak, if ur Oga sack u, biko feel free to join ‘us’ with the Oshodi boys project. You can help the needy.
Deola
May 06, 09:15Zinnat is not playing this morning oh…
chai!! ***sips more green tea***
Chris
May 06, 19:17@Zinnat, you are trouble, even the so called lipstick gang would not be able to contain you.
Somebody is gonna clap back at you soon, loool, keep sharing shades oh
Metrosexual
May 07, 07:37Why do I have this uncanny feeling that I know who exactly you are talking about… *sips iced tea*
Mercury
May 06, 06:22I could give that class DM….
Masked Man
May 06, 06:26Zinnat, you’ve been catching my attention for days now. Lol…who’s that bitch?
zinnat
May 06, 06:37The biatch is a famous 1 here, i dnt want to mention name before some1 starts crying that some people are stalking her. And yes, I have ‘Empirical Evidence’. #EnufSaid #IfYouDontKnowWhoTheBitchIsByNowThenYouAreOnYourOwn #Okybye
trystham
May 06, 06:31Chuck was going to. Give a basic neatness class i.e. Then he asked for email. Abeg just get rectal bulbs from a close doctor friend (the pharmacies NEVER av dem), warm water and all ur shitty problems are history.
That said, u r beginning to take some risks I wouldn’t think u normally wud. Kito doesn’t catch Pitakwa Lord again? If ur cab man were as familiar, he wud know to come pick u at any odd time of the morning
pinkpanthertb
May 06, 07:11Well, it looks as though Professor Max got started on the Bottom 101 lecture.
Kenny
May 06, 07:13Zinnat he actually graduated from a private uni. Did his masters in OAU. And he stirred up quite the hornet’s nest here. Very popular ‘don’ like that
Max
May 06, 07:18Hmmm. More tea coming. Pinky Where’s d sugar?
@Deola, bring your green tea along.
trystham
May 06, 07:35This is just unfair!!! Just name names and lets be done with it. Hian!!! *pulls LASTMA jacket on*
Metrosexual
May 07, 07:44Lmao…!!!!!!
What’s the fun of the shade if the name is put out already…….
Let’s shade on people… This one is darker than 50 shades of Grey
zinnat
May 06, 07:54Some years back this person that am talking about used to snap pix at shoprite Lekki and call it New York City. #OnceAgainEnufSaid
pinkpanthertb
May 06, 07:58LOL!!! Ok, zinnat, this titillation is too much nau. Haba.
zinnat
May 06, 08:07Yes dear. That’s enough for the day
Deola
May 06, 08:13Hian…****sets another pot of tea on stove****
Peak
May 06, 08:27**milking all the required milk for this tea** Phew! We haven’t had tea this hot in a mighty long time
trystham
May 06, 08:32Oh dear! You are out to draw blood today. Biko coffee for me. I need to be alert for what’s to come.
Zinnat, remind me never to cross u
Mitch
May 06, 08:48Chisos!
The fowl nyash is opening more and more
trystham
May 06, 08:49Zinnat, can you PLEASE drop one last clue? Just one more. I swear, I won’t beg again
zinnat
May 06, 09:01Trystham, loool. Biko i don close for the day.
Metrosexual
May 07, 07:46HahahahahahhahahahahaaaaaaA…!!!!!!!!
Y’all won’t kill me… Shoprite.!? New York.!?
*laughs out all the ocean in my eyes*
Masked Man
May 06, 07:23Na wa oh.
Someone is being dissected here today even more than Bruce Jenner.
Max
May 06, 07:32Well, you know what they say in igbo > Onye mee onwe ya ka banana, monkey alachaa ya( if you keep yourself like banana, monkeys will lick you up).
Bobby
May 06, 07:35By the time i had my second gay sex, i had known the technical-know-how of not leaving souvenirs,…just saying..
trystham
May 06, 07:50Ahhhh!!! You badt gaan o. It took me FOUR trials *covers face* Safe to say they weren’t pleasant experiences. Or maybe it was just my peculiar GIT because no matter how much I starved myself and drank gallons of fluids before each episode it nearly always ended in disaster.
Dennis Macaulay
May 06, 07:50Lipstick gang meeting?
As the chair of the board, I propose we meet this evening at the usual.
Zinnat consider this an invitation.
Dennis Macaulay
May 06, 07:51Remember guys, I am speaking HYPOTHETICALLY
Deola
May 06, 08:07Hypothetical or not, i shall be sending you five sachets of Hypo…you know for the hypothetical bedsheet.
Dennis Macaulay
May 06, 08:14this work is more than hypo oo! I shall be needing clorox
zinnat
May 06, 07:56Invitation accepted.. Hehehe
Masked Man
May 06, 08:01Bobby, after your second sex, right?
Guys, Pls am supposed to be a virgin oh. But the thing disappeared mysteriously. I don’t even know how. That still makes me a virgin, right? Where’s Sinnex?
I don’t know what you guys mean by ‘cleaning up’, ‘rectal bulb’.
Dennis Macaulay
May 06, 08:15Hello MM!
trystham
May 06, 08:35We know how it disappeared. Ladies of gentry lose theirs when they ride horses. We don’t blame u hon
Masked Man
May 06, 08:38Hi DM.
Masked Man
May 06, 08:44Trystham, seriously, nothing happened. It just vanished.
D-boy
May 06, 08:46OK, so i had to google ‘scat’ for clarity. OMG!!!…HOW DOES THAT WORK????? Ewwwwwww…..Does the person get turned on by the smell?? Talk about creepy….i remember when my friends ambushed me with the popular 2 girls and a cup. i STILL HAVENT RECOVERED!
JustJames
May 06, 10:51Accidents.. The worst is when you want to rim and they assuree you they are clean and you have to go wretch after putting your face down there.. I learnt the finger test the hard way *shudders
Dennis Macaulay
May 06, 11:00Finger test!
50 shades of eww
pinkpanthertb
May 06, 11:01Lol. Poor James.
Sinnex
May 06, 11:03Another reason not to have sex….
Anyway, not all Civil Servants are lazy. You did to tell us if you were talking about Federal, State or Local Government civil servants sef. Since we are talking about Rivers state, I guess anything goes. Besides, Ministry pass Ministry.
I assume that the guy in question is not a twink. Some people get mind oooo….
I can also see that someone has been stalking someone lately. What is the big deal if someone claims to have attended Babcock whilst he attended OAU. I guess he was just being modest. Is Babcock a school sef? OAU is better by far. I don’t even like Private Universities.
*just calm your titties*
Chris
May 06, 14:04“OAU is better by far” go on tell dem,
Word.
Khaleesi
May 06, 11:05Well, well, what can i say? Generally, Civil Servants outside of Abuja, are an uninspiring lot. But in Abuja, where the seat of govt is and where all the perm secs and directors (who are often well educated, decent chaps and ladies) are, it is quite common to find hardworking and smart Federal Civil servants who do their job with a decent amount of professionalism. I guess at the state level
Its an entirely different kettle of fish ***shudders*** …
Your account of the guy who lied about living alone is funny as hell. And he wanted to fuck right there amidst his mother’s belongings!! Oh Chi m (o My God)! Some things are just too nauseating too contemplate abeg – am glad you feel the same way, Dennis. I have also noticed that a lot of such people who have had their consciences and sense of right and wrong so deadened also have the worst cases of internalized homophobia anfd the hypocricy that it brings, oh well … just forget the scumbag, chalk it down as an experience and move on …
If you’re going to bottom, you need to be sure your stomach is empty! you should empty your bowels a few hours before and then again shortly before you open your ass to take that dick! This is why i rarely do random sex, call me boring, but if am going to bottom, i make effort and plan ahead to ensure that its a pleasurable experience for us both, and If am going to be the top, I expect the same; and i give subtle hints in this direction … once again, empty your bowels totally – your last meal should preferably have been several hours before sex and then reach in and wash down there generously with lots of water. And, tops, y’all also need to clean out ur asses, just cos you’re a top doesnt mean you’re not going to get fingered or rimmed. I was once with a top – lets just say i was sucking him in the 69 position and i could smell the roiling stench of his ass – it totally ruined the entire session ….
nice piece Dennis!! Muah!!
pinkpanthertb
May 06, 11:24You don’t do random sex? As in a spontaneous fuck? Konji never catch you before.
trystham
May 06, 13:45Scat is not free fall for some of us o no matter how much fibre goes in ur diet. Hian!! You av to do the 3 Ps b4 u even think of aving sex
trystham
May 06, 12:58It is at this point I advocate for MANSCAPING or at least trimming. Hian!!! Having all that sticky and smelly mustiness because u have a Sambisa down there will not make me give u a BJ. Ok, lets not be too strict. A bath will do.
Oh, I dunno. The only set of civil servants I have seen busy are Lagos State Civil Servants (not local govt o) and Federal Government College Teachers.
Vhar.
May 06, 11:53Where’s Teflondon?
I suddenly miss him today.
WEIRD.
Jeova Sanctus Unus
May 06, 12:07Vhar, you just had to, right??
Chris
May 06, 14:08Cant do with, cant do without 🙂 , Tef where u at dude?
Jeova Sanctus Unus
May 06, 12:06Hi Zinnat,
Care to join me in the conference room 30 minutes after closing the closing hour??
I’m a ‘privates’ investigator.
JSU
Ace
May 06, 14:20KD! Laughing my ass off at the article and comments? Beht why nah?
lluvmua
May 06, 15:59*enters kd majestically after 25years of vacation*……. hello DM…… nice write up Dm……. I can see u zainat *grins* nd my darling khaleesi lol. . Pinkie wahrup???? Emmmmmm DM can I get ur email? Pls I think I must have misplaced it o…… we have got some bizz to talk about.. *winks*
Gad
May 06, 18:14Obviously to show off like his kind. 1st class graduates of private universities will be lucky to come out with a 2nd class lower division from a federal university.when quality and content are considered,federal schools are clear choices.i see people who attend private unis in Nigeria as either not visa-worthy or xenophobic.sorry,i forgot to add the (foolish) class craze
MacArdry
May 06, 18:36Park well,oga.I attended a private uni,yet to MEET product of a public uni who can keep pace with me.No boast here.
Sinnex
May 06, 18:42Then maybe you have been meeting the wrong set of people. If your school is not Covenant, Babcock, Redeemers and maybe Landmark University, o’boi, you are on your own ooooo.
Gad
May 06, 20:09Amala is ranting noisily due to the absence of ewedu soup.
MacArdry
May 06, 20:42Meeting the wrong set of people…..really?.
And Gad,ekwena ka ntuo lu gi inu okuko ocha na ugo
Chris
May 06, 20:57@Gad, looooool, pls it is night time, i beg you, am typing and laughing at the same time, pls am not good
at multitasking, where is the empirical evidence that amala can even rant self.
Gad i better not cross you if i know what is good for me, Kai!
Chris
May 06, 19:32@Gad, take a hi 5, you ve just butress the point i subtly made above, private uni bawo?
(not a personal attack at private uni guys though).
Chris
May 06, 19:40I dont want to mention the name of a private university where the female Vc was (i believed sack or suspended) for assisting in ‘amending’ students degree classification. All these was last year, almost became a major scandal, only God knows how many brown envelopes must ve been pushed through
to bury the matter.
Jeova Sanctus Unus
May 07, 01:24Why state her gender?? You’d never have stated the gender where it a male.
And we scream ‘PRO-GENDER EQUALITY!’. #MaleChauvinism #Sexism
Chris
May 07, 03:24Oh trust me brethren @Jeova S.U, i would ve. The gender of the staff is
not as crucial as the authenticity of the story including the abominable act
committed. #Iamafeministbythe way
Gad
May 07, 03:53The best way to be a feminist (I don’t believe that P.R deception though) is to park and give a hand to a lady whose car is having problems,offer your place in the queues, offer your seats etc. If your feminism is just in talking and affirmation, its just a show
Chris
May 07, 04:32@Gad, i ve spoken to some female feminists in the past, , they wouldnt want to be offered seats unless they are pregnant, they dont want your pkace in the queue unless they ve a medical condition, they dont want you to open car doors for them or any doors ( except matter of courtsesy). A lot of women just want equal right as thst of men ie gender equality. Good morning Gad.
Gad
May 07, 19:26@Chris, well what can I say? I have noticed your readiness to always engage in constructive discuss rather than verbal attacks. Its quite commendable. Good evening
Chris
May 07, 04:39@Gad, allow me to say that a lot of anti feminsts all over the world will still park and offer a hand to a lady whose car is having problem and by the same breath still tells you that a woman’s place is in the kitchen looking after stomach infrastructure 🙂
Gad
May 06, 18:50Incompetence, lack of empathy, no sense of duty or responsibility pervades the Nigerian work environment be it public or private. The people in the public sector didn’t come from the moon.What happens in the private sector is mere eye service. Untill the average Nigerian stops paying lip service to duties and put the love of country 1st in all he does,the story will only get worse.
Carl
May 06, 19:52Lol. I can’t comprehend how they would tell you not to wake someone up because they must be tired. What kind of work ethic is that? A lot of people need a wakeup call. He now wanted to be a thief. Smh.
Sinnex
May 06, 20:26O’boi you need to visit some offices. You can’t blame them tho. The weather is so unbearable and there is no light. They will force you to wear suit and also to remain on seat, yet, they can’t make you comfortable. I am actually guilty of sleeping on duty. I even took a sharp nap today, but what I dont understand is why they said the guy should not wake the man up.
Carl
May 06, 22:01Loool! True, true. The one thing that came to my mind when I read the part about not waking the guy up is that, If I were DM, I would be thinking in my mind that I should tear the guy dirty slap, and lie that Oga is coming. Lol. Then when he realizes what has happened, I will jejely roll my trousers up, and swiftly run out of there. (I don’t know why I’m laughing so hard as i write this.)