RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 44)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 44)

I had a very hectic Sunday; Sundays for me are like the dessert at the meal table – one last bite before the meal finishes. My Sundays are always filled with recreational and social activities after church (assuming I bothered to go that day anyway). So on this particular Sunday, I got home quite late and collapsed in bed to catch up on my messages. My friends have been complaining recently that I don’t make time for them on IM especially BBM and Whatsapp. The reality however is that I have so many balls in the air (pun intended); so I barely have time to sit down and chat on my phone for about an hour. I could talk on the phone easily though, as hands-free ensure that I can do a few other things while talking on the phone.

So anyway, I got on BBM and opened a message from a friend of mine. We weren’t that close but I still consider him a friend and we had the following conversation:

ME: Hey sorry, been very busy

HIM: It’s alright. I have been meaning to chat you up for a few days; there is something I kind of want to tell you.

ME: Shoot **pun intended**

HIM: You need to slow down with all this your activism on the social media. Yes I understand that you feel a compelling need to say something, but when you are always tweeting gay stuff, don’t you think your followers will begin to suspect you are gay? See, just live your life on your terms. You don’t have to carry matters on your head, it’s not necessary.

At this point, I was struggling to contain my anger, especially at the phrase “gay stuff”. He however was not finished.

HIM: See it’s not funny. You are always retweeting anything gay related, and you go to Bisi’s page to do voltron. You are not the only gay person in Nigeria, others are here too and living their lives. If you continue with this, I may have to unfollow/unfriend you, because people will start checking your connections and start assuming they are all gay too.

The anger in me at this point could grill chicken. I was now thinking for an appropriate response to clap back at his stupidity. But then, my brain was too steaming to come up with anything. I simply and calmly raptured him from my BBM while he was still typing. It is very important to me that the environment around me is a hate-free zone.

As for the issue he raised, it’s very funny that we want change but we don’t want to get our hands dirty for this change. I saw a tweet once from Bisi Alimi in which he said that the fight for equality in Nigeria is one in which he is ready to shed his blood for. Nobody has asked you to come out. Nobody has asked you to say that you are gay. All you are asked is to raise your voice where necessary, condemn where necessary, and speak up where necessary. You will not do that, and then you try to discourage those who do just a little bit because you are concerned about how it will reflect on you?

Some people need to pull their heads out of their asses. For some people here who talk about flying away to faraway lands…Well, the progress you want to go and enjoy there was fought for by people. If you will not fight for our own, that is okay. But do not dare try to stop those who want to make a change in the system, no matter how small.

*

I have a friend who for the sake of this piece I shall call Ikechukwu. Ikechukwu is girly with a capital G. He is from Port Harcourt, and being an Ikwerre guy, he lives in his village as it were. So everybody knows him and most people suspect he is gay. Quite a lot of gay men avoid him. I was also paranoid enough to avoid him too. Until something happened that taught me again that we only judge people we don’t know.

In Port Harcourt, you know parking is always a problem. On this day that I really needed a space to park and go pick up something, I didn’t know what to do. I quickly parked before an eatery, and before the parking attendant could get up, I had dashed across the road and disappeared, not knowing that Karma was waiting for me. I returned about an hour later and tried to dash into the car and drive sharpaly away before the parking attendant would come and nag at me. But alas my key broke. So there I was, broken key, very little cash on me, and the rains were threatening to come down; I was exhausted and didn’t know where to belong.

And then, magically appeared Ikechukwu! You see, we had met at the house of a mutual friend and I grudgingly gave him my number when he asked, and since then, I had been involved in one busy project or the other, which really was a ruse to avoid him. However he saw me from a bus across the road, got down and crossed to enquire what the problem was.

He ended up taking the keys to the guys who fix keys, got it fixed and then programmed and paid for everything, while I waited by the car, as it was almost nightfall. The rains came down and I ran into the eatery for cover, while he was beaten by the rains on the way back. He returned, handed me the new keys, told me the cost and said he would text me his account details so that I could transfer the money when I have it. I was covered from head to toe with guilt and shame. This was the same guy I went to great lengths to avoid, and here he was, being selfless and showing me such kindness, when he really owed me none of that. I deserved a hot slap for the way I treated him.

Since then, we have of course become very good friends, and I just don’t care about the looks I get when I visit him and we sit on top of the car’s boot outside, eating suya and gisting. The world is full of horrible people; if you find one decent human being, keep them and don’t let stupid things come in between you guys.

*

I am not done with Ikechukwu’s story. He bought a car recently; a very beautiful car (you know these Ikwerre guys and their real estate transactions) and he called me over to “come let’s wash it.” Now, I mentioned earlier that in his area, he is pretty much known to be gay or should I say strongly suspected to be gay. But you see eh, baby boy doesn’t give a hoot.

While we (many other friends of his came too) were drinking and dancing at a local bar near his house, something remarkable happened. Guys from his street – the same guys who whispered while he passed and who called him names – began to troop into the place and started begging him to buy them drinks in the spirit of washing. When he obliged and asked the waitress to serve them whatever drinks they wanted, you needed to have seen the way they shouted like they’d just won the lottery.

I sat sipping my drink and observing them and the way they ate and drank and hailed Ikechukwu with all manner of titles; they automatically had respect for him. After that day, whenever I come around that area, they nearly fall over themselves to greet me with two hands (that thing that annoys me); every now and then also, Ikechukwu buys drinks for them. He’s now become some sort of deity on that street, one who they respect and worship.

Now I remember reading a Jackie Collins novel awhile back, and in it, an African American mother told her son that in addition to marching on the streets, that he would do more for the civil rights movement by being a success, because people respect success. A friend once said to me that being gay in Nigeria is bad. But being gay and then poor? That is where the real crime is, because one without money often does not have a voice. After what played out that day before my eyes, this rings true.

I think we should all decide to be very successful and make it happen, because money buys you a voice. Money buys you freedom. And like Brian said in Queer as Folk, “Nothing annoys homophobes more than a successful gay person, because they will be forced to respect him.”

See you guys next week.

DM

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  1. charloxy
    March 16, 06:18 Reply

    NOTHING ANNOYS HOMOPHOBES MORE THAN A SUCCESSFUL GAY PERSON……Very true,i love dat line

      • Gaddafi
        March 17, 13:36 Reply

        Dude I’ve never read something as amazing as dis…coming from a Nigerian at dat..God bless you

  2. bruno
    March 16, 06:23 Reply

    always noticed it’s the poorer gay men who usually have to bear the brunt of homophobia in this fickle society of hours… *sigh*

    • Pink Panther
      March 16, 06:28 Reply

      Case in point, the recently murdered Olumide. The Honorable he was caught doing the do with appears to still be untouched.

      • Dennis Macaulay
        March 16, 07:37 Reply

        To be poor in Nigeria is a crime on its own. So to be poor and gay on top? Your own is finished.

        I hate to say this but crunch the numbers on gay bashings vis a vis income levels.

  3. Mandy
    March 16, 06:30 Reply

    ‘The world is full of horrible people; if you find one decent human being, keep them and don’t let stupid things come in between you guys.’

    I love that quote. It really is true. Too much ugliness abounds in the world we know today. So when you find that one or two persons who are genuinely good in and out, don’t let any outer circumstances keep you from keeping them.

  4. Francis
    March 16, 07:28 Reply

    Nothing annoys homophobes more than a successful gay person, because they will be forced to respect him *checks bank statement. We shall get there* ??

    The world is full of horrible people; if you find one decent human being, keep them and don’t let stupid things come in between you guys.

    Should we start referencing you whenever we quote these nuggets? ????

    Really beautiful and informative entry.

  5. ambivalentone
    March 16, 07:28 Reply

    Still, he should please be careful o. I hope he stays on a top floor where nosy landladies and neighbours cannot pass and peep through windows. The same ‘respect’ can turn to ugly anger in an instant. They are just biding their time for a slip-up

    • Francis
      March 16, 07:30 Reply

      Looks like my virus don infect this one. ?

      • Dennis Macaulay
        March 16, 07:40 Reply

        Wait people peep through windows?

        Jeso Kreste ??

        I stay on the ground floor oo

        • posh6666
          March 16, 11:31 Reply

          As a gay man its always advisable you live upstairs in any house you decide to rent.Tho in some cases they charge more for up apartments but its better you gather that money and secure your peace of mind.Also use dark heavy curtains.

          Like you said plenty horrible people everywhere,they will pretend they are not watching but on a day when u least expect gbam! They spring you a surprise.

          I’m a very paranoid person infact more paranoid than mr Francis I believe so I dont joke with these things.

          • posh6666
            March 16, 11:39 Reply

            Infact an incident happened in a northern state where I served and in the estate I lived to be precise.As I later got to find out through a friend I made.

            Apparently they have been suspecting the guy to be gay,so one day when they noticed he had a guest they waited for a while after which they jumped into his apartment and broke into his room catching them stark naked.
            If he was upstairs he would have been able to avoid the ugly situation.

            • Pink Panther
              March 16, 12:10 Reply

              Because people don’t break into upstairs apartments to catch whoever they suspect to be gay naked?

              • Francis
                March 16, 12:49 Reply

                Now I see why wooden doors are so 1960 in Naija. Na metal be the koko now. LOL

              • posh6666
                March 16, 13:40 Reply

                What i’m trying to say here is that its much easier done when you live downstairs,conversations and pleasure noises are easier heard,one can easily walk past and draw ur window open,most up apartments have their own main gates or doors you have to get past.

                Whatever really! Me and the other person who suggested living upstairs know what we know and first step to being more security conscious is living upstairs.You can either use that in ur life or leave it no one is trying to argue here or forcing you.

                • Pink Panther
                  March 16, 13:55 Reply

                  Posh you don’t have to get so defensive. I was being sarcastic. Of course I know the validity of your point. Hian!

      • ambivalentone
        March 16, 07:45 Reply

        Please, ur caution levels are ‘++’. I’m still at just ‘+’ levels.
        @Dennis u r waiting for what? Ppl to hold hold vigils and place camp beds while recording every damning fuck habits??? You better move to top floor

        • Dennis Macaulay
          March 16, 08:00 Reply

          Hian*

          I just paid rent which day na ??

          And it can get quite noisy here if you catch my drift ?

        • #Chestnut
          March 16, 08:04 Reply

          Hahaha “TOP” floor…Ambi u’re a mess. Who will now live on the “Bottom” floor biko?

          • ambivalentone
            March 16, 08:16 Reply

            @Chestnut Hian!!! Y’aff just spoil finish. Any floor that is not ground. I am not in ur realm today

            @DM Exactly the reason why I said that. That gurl in ur compd husband hunting will soon get a heart attack if u don’t move ASAP. I’m actually being serious o. Who remembers that Nigerian gay orgy video link posted on here a while back? You will recollect in the course of the video, they very nearly saw someone peep into that room. My heart cut there. Then the alleged gay mobbing in Lag whose rumors could not be substantiated, the nosy parker Landlady passed and peeped in thru d window ‘because she had heard ‘pleasure sounds’.

            • Dennis Macaulay
              March 16, 08:30 Reply

              She has started coming to watch Telemundo and charge her phone.

              I just dey look her small small, she never know say na one chance bus she enter ??

  6. Absalom
    March 16, 07:53 Reply

    The fact that your friend cannot even bear to go on Bisi Alimi’s wall to play disproves his assertion that gays are “living their lives” – least of all “on their own terms”.

    We are part of the problem; we are now numb to our own suffering.

    *deep calming breaths* #Exhausted 🙁

    • Dennis Macaulay
      March 16, 07:59 Reply

      The annoying part is that he wasn’t even concerned for me as it were, his concern is that because we follow each other, my activity should not rub off on him negatively.

  7. Mitch
    March 16, 08:00 Reply

    Sometimes, we say the dumbest and meanest things about the LGBT not because we are immune to our plight but because we still fear society. The day we lose our fear for society, is the day homophobes and society in general would begin to respect us. Being successful is another very important part of it.

    On another note, happy birthday to my darling Delle! Happy birthday booboo.

    • #Chestnut
      March 16, 08:08 Reply

      Today is Delle’s bday? Happy bday Delle! *runs to BBM to check whether any of my contacts is sending bday shout-outs and displaying bday pics* (hey Max,how u doin!)

    • Delle
      March 16, 09:36 Reply

      Thanks Strawberry Cupcakes!!! Love y’all plenty.

  8. Chizzie
    March 16, 08:07 Reply

    The content is as usual repetitive, with elements of exaggeration here and there but I like one of the themes, which is to be successful.

    I believe you owe it to your self more so as a man, and a gay man for that matter to be successful. No man, should be comfortable being anything but successful.

    If as a gay man, say in your late twenties you’ve perfected the act of begging for tfare, credit, and blackmail or kitoing, then shame on you!

    Get your act together and as the lyric of a certain hit song implies : work work work work work work werk!

  9. Dennis Macaulay
    March 16, 08:34 Reply

    Last Last na to build your own house sure pass, on a private beach off Elegushi!

    #AkantshatAbeg

    • Tee
      March 16, 08:50 Reply

      Aww!!!just you and I against the world baybee ?

      • Tee
        March 16, 22:08 Reply

        Max! Must you always have an opinion about every and any thing abeg!get over yourself biko?

    • michael
      March 16, 16:50 Reply

      Exactly my plans too. Just build an isolation for myself.

  10. Max 2.1
    March 16, 08:51 Reply

    “You don’t have to carry matters on your head” ?????. I’ve heard that one before.. And it always comes from gay people.
    I was discussing this money issue with someone recently and I told him the same thing>> we all need MONEY!! We all need to be successful… Money really does buy you a voice.. All the gay people that bad things happen to, also happen to be poor and I don’t think thats a coincidence

    Nice early morning sermon. ??.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      March 16, 09:15 Reply

      We can be Neigbhours on the elegushi coastline and spend our mornings running on the beach.

      • Max 2.1
        March 16, 10:58 Reply

        Scratch the “running on the beach” part..??? I enjoy my morning sleep. You’ll lose a hand if you so much as knock on the door by that time. ??

        • Pink Panther
          March 16, 11:05 Reply

          LMAO!!! Leave Dennis let him be forming health nut. Is it that early morning when I’d be revving up for some morning sex with my Bae that you’ll come knocking for a run on the beach? You’ll find those running legs gone faster than you can say ‘Healthcare’.

  11. Kester
    March 16, 09:26 Reply

    DM I really appreciate your post today. I also have a friend and I have been chided time without number for even walking on the street with him. He is as flaming as they come and cannot help catwalking. In spite of an acidic tongue he has as a self defense mechanism, he is the nicest, kindest, most selfless person I know :I was already following your advice before you gave it, the world is so dark and wicked where ever I find love sincerity goodness l take it. I bask in it.
    OAN happy birthday dearest delle. May you live long and fabulously. Thunder fire any kito mongers around you l ‘oruko jesu.

    • Delle
      March 16, 10:37 Reply

      Aren’t you just the sweetest?! Thank u dearie…much love

      • posh6666
        March 16, 11:53 Reply

        Happy birthday bitch!Make sure you have birthday sex oh. Ride and choke on that dick mama! Like the power bottom you are Lmao

          • posh6666
            March 16, 13:44 Reply

            Amadioha ke?god of thunder right?abeg thats not a nice wish in this rainy season I dodge am!

        • Delle
          March 16, 12:49 Reply

          Hmm Posh, I have no idea what you’re talking about…*judiciously searching for my pink panty-hose*

          • posh6666
            March 16, 13:46 Reply

            Lmao pink panty wuh? Hahaha you are such a girl…

          • Mitch
            March 16, 14:06 Reply

            Sweerie, forget that one. Just got you a new pink tutu and a feather duster for tonight

            • Delle
              March 16, 16:42 Reply

              @Mitch…don’t mess things up just yet. Keep it wrapped until the Pink Party…

  12. sensei
    March 16, 12:44 Reply

    Nice one, DM. We all have to fight our bias against people that suffer discrimination…and win

  13. Colossus
    March 16, 12:51 Reply

    Beautiful entry as always. We most times judge appearances and forget to focus on the strength of their character.

  14. Uno
    March 16, 13:01 Reply

    I have a land for sale around woji axis in ph. Might need your ikwerre Guy’s help.

  15. Dennis Macaulay
    March 16, 13:12 Reply

    Pink Panther and Max, you had better join my healthy living ministry! You don’t have choice.

    See the converts I have this year alone? I am a positive influence na.

  16. michael
    March 16, 17:01 Reply

    And after reading this, somebody will come and say DM should retire ehh?

    Denis dear, don’t mind them one bit. K

  17. Khaleesi
    March 16, 17:25 Reply

    Great piece DM!! I like how you illustrate the fact that a lot of gays dont see the big picture! Bad cases of IH will not allow them to get their heads out of their asses and see that if we are ever to see any change in this country (which i still maintain will come in our Great-granchildrens, great-great grandchildren’s generation), then ALL of us must start NOW to play our part, even from deep within your carefully ajd exquisitely crafted closet, you can do something however small …
    I have come to realise that girly guys whom many gays avoid in order not to be outed are often the kindest and friendliest souls you can meet. Perhaps a lifetime of being shunned for being very different makes them very sensitive, whatever! All i know is, i love my girly friends and I’ll never be ashamed to be seen with them in public!! Anyone who can’t handle that can pluck out his eyes!!
    And yes, as a gay man, you need to work extra hard to be successful else you’ll be the poster boy for “totally useless, gay and with no focus in life” and oh, while you’re at it, figure out a way to remain fabulous inside and out …

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