Last week was Valentine’s week, which I have never been a fan of; for starters, I don’t like the crowd mentality and doing things that I am expected to do, so I try to avoid the Valentine craze. Also I think that Valentine’s Day is way too commercial, and when you combine that with the materialism of Nigerians, you get overkill. This is the time that some of my (female) colleagues display huge bouquets of flowers on their desks so you will know that they are “happening babes” (that’s in case you did not know). We also have a love feast at work and a small party; they do a ballot and you pick a name of someone you will buy a gift for. I generally don’t like my colleagues (Fine! I like one guy), and the guy I picked this year unfortunately is a jackass and the biggest homophobe ever. I hated the fact that I was going to spend my money on him, as I try to keep our interaction to a minimum. I ended up wrapping something I was given at a wedding and gave him. (Re-gifting is the new rage, no?) I aint spending none of my cash on a homophobic bigot.
Someone I just met sent me a gift – something inexpensive, but I thought it was really sweet and surprising, seeing as we had just met and were still trying to be friends. I did not get him anything and I felt pressured by his gift, but it did feel nice to receive something at work, with all the nosy people trying to figure out who it was from.
Speaking about things I don’t like, I don’t like titles. I know it is the most un-Nigerian thing to say. We like pretentious respect, but “sir”, “boss” etc irritate me. I just don’t like them. “Chairman’, “bros’, “senior man” are even more annoying. I often tell people that it is okay to call me by my first name only. I realize that Nigerians are big on this; I recall in my final year at university, when I did not add “Mrs.” to my supervisor’s name (I just called her Dr. Xxx), it had to take the personal intervention of the HOD for her to accept my thesis. I also remember last year when we had a meeting with a top government official, and when I was introduced to the man, I gave him a firm handshake with one hand. On our way back, my boss gave me an earful for not doing the handshake with two hands as a “mark of respect”. (“You think you are in oyibo land,” she fumed. “Is he your mate? That man is old enough to be your father”) I started to say something about the man not being more than forty-five years old and certainly not my father’s age mate, but I decided against it. I think we are all about appearances and pretentious hypocrisy with no emphasis on being genuine, and we think respect is in those things.
I attended (yet) another wedding last week. The groom is an old friend with some history there (*sips coffee*), and I was a groomsman along with nine other gay men (lol). I am a wedding lover anyways, so I tried to have fun and ignore the guilt that was eating me up, because I knew the bride personally too and she had no idea what she was getting into. I stood at the altar in this Winners’ church, in a crisp blue suit, and watched the groom recite his wedding vows. I tried not to think about the fact that the bachelor’s eve party that went down in the groom’s suite last night ended in an orgy, and here he was professing to love and cherish this woman – vows I know that he will not keep. Every now and then, throughout the ceremony, I felt a stab of guilt that I was part of this big scam. But as my dear Khaleesi always says, these women are part of the society that created this problem in the first place. So they should naturally partake in the harvest. However I looked at the bride again and she was happy – genuinely happy and glowing – and I thought to myself: If this guy will make her happy everyday like she is now, then it’s not such a bad thing after all.
I have always said that Nigerian families take a lot of things for granted, and this always ticks me off. I went out on Friday with a few old friends, and one of them is a real drama queen; Ross Mathews has nothing on this guy. He wears the tightest pants ever and you can smell his feminity from Abuja. He is one of the smartest guys I know and on his way to becoming one of the youngest consultants in Port Harcourt. We were at this hotel right and in the middle of alcohol-fuelled laughter, when my cousin (who lives in PHC) walked in. Naturally he came over to say hello, but I did not miss the brief look of disdain he cast on my friend – my friend, who didn’t even bother to exchange pleasantries with him. It was apparent to me then that they were already acquainted. My cousin couldn’t sit with us as he came with his own party, and I made a mental note to ask my friend what the look was about. However, I forgot.
Later in the night, my cousin buzzed on Whatsapp. Now I hate Whatsapp for this singular purpose: once someone gets a hold of your number, they barge in like Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball and you cannot shake them off, unlike BBM where they have to ask for your pin and you can give them and then leave them on the ignored list for eternity.
Anyway, let’s call my cousin Eric, and below is the conversation we had:
Eric: Did you get home safe? You had a lot to drink.
Me: I had 3 orijins. I was perfectly fine.
Eric: Okay
Me: I know you did not buzz me to ask about my drinking habits. So what’s up?
I was getting irritated at this point because he had never buzzed me on Whatsapp before.
Eric: Are you gay?
Me: And you ask this because?
Eric: Just answer the question; it’s a yes or no question.
Me: I need to know why you are asking a very silly question that is none of your business.
Eric: I am your brother; everything about you is my business.
Me: Cousin, not brother; second cousin actually, as it is our dads who are cousins. You have also been living in this town for six years, and you have never asked me if I live under Rumuola Bridge or if I even have a job. I think it’s too late to play happy siblings.
Eric: I have heard rumors about your activities in the past and I ignored them, but that guy I saw you with today went to UNN. He was a well known faggot in school and you were drinking and laughing with him like old friends. Odiegwu o.
Now I was ballistic.
Me: How dare you use derogatory words on my friends? I am not answerable to you! I will not answer any questions.
Eric: In law, silence means consent.
Me: I am struggling not to tell you to go fuck yourself, you and the law.
I crossed a line, as he is almost seven years my senior, but I was too angry to care at this point.
Eric: I will tell auntie that this is what you are doing in Port Harcourt.
‘Auntie’ is my mother.
Me: Whatever! Knock yourself out. Please when you call her, help me tell her that I will send the money next week. Save me that phone call. And please do not buzz my line ever again.
I blocked him and deleted his contact and every trace of him on my mobile. I was so furious, my head was pounding, and for two hours I couldn’t find sleep. Was he going to tell my mom? I don’t know. If he does and she asks, will I deny? I don’t know. This was one of the days that it hit me again how easy my life would have been if I were straight, but then again, it is what it is.
Enjoy the rest of the week, guys.
XOXO
DM
To Gad, i can only but second what you’ve written above, on point.
DM,i am with you on the titles & double-hand greetings. It irritates me but most times,i do nothing but give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar.
I don’t ever greet anybody with two hands, I wont even do it for the president if I met him today.
Pete you owe me an email
‘Forsaking all other women…’ LOL! Good one. Ya can’t fault MGMs for that one.
Or maybe he’s just a homophobe who just truly does not like homosexuals. Those exist, you know…
I did not take part in the orgy ooo!
Na only me waka come
Well he has a wife and two kids so he is automatically a responsible man!
***rolls eyes from rumuola to Rumukurushi***
Lol
Aswear!
The silver lining!
I have been waiting for my mom’s call, apparently he hasn’t told her yet.
There will be an update next week
Max, you scare me sometimes. 🙂 You really really do. But in a good way. In a you-should-start-a-cult-and-I’ll-be-in-awe-of-you kinda way. Burn his house down or cut his brake lines? LOL! you’re something.
Cut his brakes? Oh you delight my soul.
I will not avoid my friends because they are effeminate, that’s nonsense. I generally don’t care about what people say anyways, and if mom calls to ask I will not deny. I will just refrain from answering!
@Pinky, snitches shouldn’t be forgiven..
@Dennis, Touché
Email sent
Na who we go ask or do you expect us to take your word? I Def not taking it until I hear from someone who was there & who could vouch for you
Pete you don’t believe me?
****Hot Tears****
Lol…..it’s forsaking all others, it doesn’t specify women.
oh sure you didn’t. silly us for thinking you would have been invited seeing that you were part of the grooms men.
@Obatala I was going to tell you to shurrup, then I remembered that obatala is the name of a yoruba deity so lemme keep quiet before I am struck with madness.
Of course..caters to your wild favorite obsession..
Oh max! You couldnt resist!
Lol
Oh and today is ash Wednesday.. Beginning of time for sober reflection. Use it wisely.
Yeah!!!!, and I never touched another man’s penis, of course u didn’t partake. As If…..
Abi oooo.
Touche, Max. LOL
Her problem was that I didn’t add Mrs ooo, not that I did not put Ph.D. Lol
Mercury if I bite you eh!
Which really is silly. If the Dr was absent, that would be understandable. Does she need the Mrs to validate her marital status? rubbish.
Dimkpa Marilyn Ogar will soon come for you! My hand no deyooo!
Pink Panther will you keep quiet? Diarisgodoooo
Lol. Ah James. To be in that lofty position where the threat of telling ‘auntie’ means no harm.
Na only him waka come ooo. LMAO
You think to be married is easy eh? That woman has probably endured the pains and taunts of being a sidechick for years and the niccur decides to finally put a ring on it and you won’t even acknowledge her status as a “Mrs”
Damn you!!! She’s earned it… probably by visiting one correct ifa priestes like that *runs away*
Oh my my my, youre so badass, no wonder my dear friend Mufasa is crazy about you……I totally agree with you on this one, anyone who tries to out me to my family before I’m ready, is going down…..I shall go all Carrie on their asses.
Yasss Carrie Yasss!!!
Hahahahahahahaa! Jarch, you’re so wrong for this
Its not everytime u see sum1 gay in defense of ‘divas’. Its always the straight ones doing that for you. Well done Dennis
Care to say why?
I don’t know why me and the few MGM I know are different. Or could it just be that people claim to understand the feelings of others better than them? It beats me why gay guys conclude that MGM can’t make their wives happy sexually and other wise.
Jarch you are just a mess
PP I would never skip Ph.D cos I know that is a big deal in the academia! Just that I did not write Dr Mrs……! And I found it distasteful that a very accomplished woman such as her needed a word to validate herself
Mercury tell mufasa abi musafa that there is a queue, and I am in front of the line.
He had better go to the back!
Oh.. It’ll mean harm in some way but not as much as before.
Oh my my my, you’re deliciously vindictive and badass, no wonder my dear Mufasa won’t shut up about you…..anyways I agree, anybody that dares out me before I’m ready, I’m so going all Carrie on their asses.
@ Max I know right, Carrie was dah bomb….loved it. @ DM, youre on everyone’s cue na wa oooo, you greedy sha oooo.
Hahaha Max, you still dey give this one face sha…
Mercury
My appetite is bigger than yours!
#PlentyPunIntended
Have you ever considered the fact that maybe she might be faking it?? Women are quite patient and resilient
Yup!! If i like you as a person and you are my friend, i will always stand by you – no matter how effeminate you are … they can talk till their jaws ache ***BBM eyelashes aflutter***
yeah … so said the scripture spewing Lord of the fine art of all things bare ….
Khallie!
You couldn’t resist abi? That was a mighty eviceration! You wicked shaa…………..
Yea. The way I have considered the fakeness in most gay marriages and gay relationships.
Jarch! Lol! I swear!
U all having fun at my expense abi….ahahahahahahha and do I love it??? Hmmm oh you bet….yes! Can’t lie coz u know variety they say is….oh ofcoz you know the rest….so go figure.
What will KD be without me huh?
…as light khalie bare as light!
You have no idea how it irritates me when stupid, deeply closeted gay guys Judge others. DM your cousin is self loathing gay guy, trust me. those are the most insecure around guys who are known to be gay.
Bachelor Party turned orgy… YES!!!
Sign me up for the next one pls.
For real though, I understand there is pressure in society to marry but I think its wrong for a gay guy to marry an unassuming single straight lady. The guy cannot make her happy in the end. He won’t satisfy her sexually like she deserves to be. He won’t love her like she wants to be loved. It is simple as that. She will live her life wondering if she isn’t woman enough for her husband when the truth is her husband does not love her like she wants to be loved and is not sexually attracted to her.
Maybe I am being unrealistic but there are lesbians looking for pretend husbands to marry on a daily. That is an option if a gay man needs to get married. Right?
I know I won’t want my sister/cousin/friend to get married to a gay guy and ruin her chances of being with a guy that truly loves her and all.
Oh well, what do I know. I might end up getting married to one of the “sisters” in my church in another 15 years.
Was ds dt wedding U hooked dem up as a way to pay dt girl back?
A married guy once said in d vows they say “forsaking all other women” n so technicaly they r still on track cos for real they forsake women n cling to many men.
Gay men marriages r often a sham.
I cn remember 1 dat d groom n his best man r deep lovers.
Ds tins jst mk me weak!
My friend stumbles upon my chat/email with my dad and asks “is this really your dad?” because he adds ‘pls’ and ‘thank you’ to his messages(this was when I was much younger). Nigerians wear me out with the whole respect thingy. My dad is not a fan of that and has thought us well in that aspect. Double hand to shake ko! As for your cousin, I’d have blocked him from the very first message as I did mine. Ain’t nobody got time for all that. Useless whatsapp! Your mum might just ask how he knew so, question his stupidity for jumping into conclusion and call his mother to put her son in place…….or not! Don’t sweat it, just get ready to displace whatever confrontation except you feel your mum is ready to know and can handle it without a heart attack.
Wow.
I hate titles too. Like how people attach “sir” when talking to bosses.. It pains the shit outta me. I greet ppl normally, no double hand shake or head bowing (yoruba). Nigerians love respect and recognition. I dealt with a policeman the other day @ the office. He wanted to use me to shine and I was quick to remind him he messed with the wrong dude, I hate popo’s BTW.
And about ur cousin, smh for him. No cousin of mine comes that close to ask personal questions like that. I give them about a mile of space. He won’t tell ur mum. He’s just threatening to see if you’ll come clean.
And about ur diva friend, this is why people are scared of “too much” effeminacy.. It draws attention when you hang out with em in public..
Don’t lose sleep over it. If he dares to tell your mum, go ghetto on his ass. Burn his house down or cut his brake lines or something… Etc.. And don’t forget to deny that shit.. Unless you wanna finally come out to family.
Properly handled the ‘Christian Grey’ style!
Your cousin is crazy! What’s his business with who you hang out with? And threatning you with ‘Auntie’? ***rolls eyes from Nsukka to New York***. Abeg, stow the douche!
Like you said ‘2015 is the year of zero tolerance for homophobes’. Ride on DM! Good one
Wow D nice piece! Especially about the Bach eve and Wedding….!
I have no problem with titles as it is earned and also sometimes these titles can be used as a form of experssing familiarity (like chairman or boss or Oga Dennis) and also some people genuinely use it because they’re not sure of your name or know how to address you
Dr Mrs isn’t asking too much, she’s married and also has spent atleast 4yrs doing her PhD. She’s definitely earned it, cos it takes the grace of God for you to chew better liver to say you want to do PhD and then completing it in the end. Besides if you were to address Lord Alan Sugar and Sir Richard Branson in a formal setting it won’t be a problem abi?
Give to honour to whom it is due
However I do get what you mean when these titles are somewhat over exaggerated. It comes across as major ass kissing, which i don’t subscribe to. I don’t do the greeting with two hands, that shit doesn’t fly with me at all, you won’t melt because I refused to shake you with two hands.
Your cousin reminds me of my own extended family. There are some nice ones and there those who simply show up because the prattle about something that’s totally not their business. I have already carved a reputation amongst them as the cousin and nephew who doesn’t send. If you cross and enter my lane, you’ll get burned. So they avoid me as much as possible
The problem with titles in Nigeria is that we hold on to them so much yet have no substance to show for them. Like castles in the air. So many professors, doctorates, dames, sirs, chiefs and the society is none the better for it.
The fact that a certain patient individual, a dame affiliated to good fortune, has a doctorate but can’t string words together to make a correct sentence should make anyone wary of being classed in the same category.
Respect is good.. When you aren’t just sucking up unnecessarily to the person. In my my University you see people prostrate for each and say “Na you be boss” And I want to puke all over their existence. I hate when it’s done to me cause I know you’re not being being genuine and I cannot for the life of me decide to “whine” you. I mean, shouldn’t we have left that shii in secondary school?
If any cousin of mine threatens to report me to “auntie” cause they saw me with a dude I’d tell them to not waste their breath. “auntie” already knows I have a lot of male friends…
My hate for all dem ‘bros’, ‘chairman’ dem dem titles increased the day I learnt some Lagosians actually mean it as a derogatory title for impotence. Plus I hate formalities sooo much, my “Good mornings” are so breezy, it is always obvious I’m battling the shit. Serve me a ‘hey’, ‘hi’, ‘wassup’ and I’m good to go. But trust Nigerians. If their names have not carried ‘His Eminence’ and u r rolling over in the dust, they cannot be happy.
… That’s how I said “Wassup” to this Auntie while we wr still in school. She was a session ahead of me.
… That’s how She reported me to her Mother (via Phone call)… And her Mother confronted Mother Dearest that She didn’t give me proper training.
…. That’s how Mother Dearest clapped her hands, laughed really hard and said
“As old as She is, alongside the fact that She’s studying with her old age, She still wants “Ma” with her Bsc Degree. Okay”.
When I say Sir, Ma’am… You’ve earned it from me.
That’s my only gripe with WhatsApp… The fact that some random person can just get your phone no and feel it’s perfectly “OK” to instant message you… I’ll block you so fast your head would spin.
If you can’t spend some money to call or even a simple text message… Forget it.
And that your cousin…. Pay him absolutely no attention.
Hello Max… I’ve spent about 5 minutes, thinking of something witty to say to you, but alas… deep sigh.
Oh Dennis!! we might as well be kindred spirits!! My Gawd! I have a vibrant dislike for Valentine’s day, what with all the materialism and fakeness and bullshit that it drags in with it. Last time i celebrated Vals day, i was in High School, I had a “girlfriend” and i was still in that regrettable phase where i was struggling to fit in with the boyz ***shudders @ the memory of such a waste of my time/life***, by the time i was in the University, i frankly couldnt be bothered anymore, and so when the Val’s day madness came, i’d simply bury myself in books/novels/movies or just catch up on sleep until the craze was over.
Nigerians and titles: hmm, dont get me started on all the Dr (Mrs), Barrister (Mrs), Engr, Accountant, Surveyor, Pharmacist this and that … omg!! it drives me nuts!! but well, it is what it is! In deference to culture/norm, i do shake influential people with both hands, i even throw in a slight bow of my head sometimes, but i will NEVER prostrate or even bow down low before any human being …. nope! if you believe that i must grovel before you in order to prove that i respect you, then something must be wrong with you on a deep level (apologies to my Yoruba brethren/sistas – e ma bi nu ooo).
Hian Dennis, i cant wrap my head around your weird love for weddings biko! I was @ one 2 weekends ago, and hopefully there wont be any other am required to attend for the next many months!! ***rolls eyes and flips blonde wig***, … My feelings for women who get hitched to downlow gay men is well documented on this blog, however, i shall state again that i feel not even the tiniest twitch of the tiniest particle of the tiniest atom of pity for these women; am not vindictive like you Dennis, but this is one of the few occasions where my rare vindictive side shows. Those same women would probably turn up their noses and throw hate – filled bible verses at gay men, so therefore, they (richly and abundantly) deserve to be caught in the cross-fire – its collateral damage babe! Every bride is happy on her wedding day, hopefully she realises that there’s an ocean of difference between the wedding day and the marriage itself;abeg i dont know how they expect a charade built on a shaky foundation of lies and generously sprinkled with doses of sham to survive ****pukes uncontrollably***
finally, i have in the last few years operated a zero tolerance policy for homophobes! If you’re homophobic then you cant have any meaningful place in my life. If i cant totally get rid of you (eg colleagues), then i’ll relegate you to an obscure corner of the remotest part of my life where you will never matter …
Great Piece Dennis, please keep these nuggets of mental stimulation coming … ****plants a huge wet kiss anywhere you choose, squeezes your bum quickly to check if what they have been saying is true, scampers away before you make me sor(e)ry …
Replying you is painful but I have to do it to set the records straight for your sake and others.I don’t use Facebook and there is nothing classy about not using it. Just a choice. Please desist from cheap assumptions. I know Ekeng as a child. I was a father figure to him. He was like a son. He won’t dare discuss sex with me and on my part it will be irresponsible to think of such. However, I understand you, you are the type that molest kids in the guise of “uncle”. That’s why the picture of sex easily comes to your mind when ever a guys name is mentioned. I’m sure Lord is learned enough to understand my protest so no need to dwell on that. Data is not actually cheap for paupers like me. I wont mind you funding my next subscription.
you hate greetings, and weddings and whatsapp? You’re trying so hard to be cool and it just makes u come across as really stupid.
Dennis has posted yet another interesting entry. And most KDians are now in a rush to agree with every single detail. Suddenly no one likes whatsapp, because Dennis doesn’t. No one likes titles because Dennis doesn’t. And no one can even tolerate homophobes because Dennis doesn’t.
When Forbes does a poll on the most influential person on KD sometime in the near future, guess who will be perched slightly above Chizzie in that list. Lol
Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with the courteous ‘sir’ or ‘ma’ said to one who is elderly. Titles are ridiculous when they’re exaggerated. And seriously? Whatsapp is now unpopular becos people have the audacity to say hi without permission? Arent text messages and phone calls from strangers basically the same thing? Lol. *smh* KDians though…
I love DM’s entries because it talks about many things that affects the lives of gay men aside sex especially in a homophobic environment as Nigeria. Do I think some of the stories are embellished? Who doesn’t sweeten their story to be more appealing? Do I roll my eyes when everyone is quick to hump on DM’s dick and lick his butt crack? I do that a lot. Nevertheless, it makes a really interesting read.
After all d yrs i spent u wldnt Dr to my name… Odiegwu
Ok, I see ya’ll have been in Dennis’ bidniss..
@Dubem, people don’t like stuff, it means they just don’t like it. No one is trying to suck up to Dennis, @ least I’m not. He writes things I can relate to.
@Chizzie, I use to find your comments funny, but these days it just comes off as boring and plain childish. I expect more from you since you’re supposed to be busy with your life and not nitpick any tiny Lil thing someone writes.
@Trystham, smiling @u
@Eveeyone else, Find the time and write about your lives, we’d like to read about it.
Very funny write up!! Looking forward to the outing story haha.
Nice one Macaulay I sighed and laughed too, my office we use first names I call my managers and partner by their first names and that’s the firm’s policy. And your cousin should take a dive, cousins can be nosy sometimes mtchwee, all this fun in PH and am wasting away with work papers and financials!
For me sha i believe in giving respect to whom itz due.i do shake with my two hands to some1 whom i know is old enof to be my father and some of my uncles who av earned my respect.and for d whatsapp ish i really do hate it too dou its less annoying if instead of just saying hi and expect me to be nice to U,you properly add d necesary infos as to who u are and wer u got my numba..in oda news biko who else watches el now news on ebony tv???av bin dying to know d real T bout dat guy presenter ekeng bassey hello ekeng if u reading diz*side eyes* i like him so much its crazie m like a stalker,i watch d news just coz of him d way he speaks,talks,and d little flaming which he does which he cannot even help himself sumtimes but flaunt his weavon lol..even if i never meet him i just want sum1 to give me d real info on him abeg wer r d calabar peeps?lmaooo deres diz video on his instagram page real shele/kito..ok bye
Wait wait,Pinky is there hierarchy in gaydom? #AskingForMyLevel
This was hilarious and well-written. Well done, Dennis.
Concerning titles, I hate them. That’s the truth. But people seem to need it SO MUCH. Therefore, in order to smoothen my relationship with such, I give them what they need and move on. I have nothing to prove and I have absolutely nothing to lose. I respect my elders. Maybe its cos of how I was brought up. I think I have always been respectful (at least people say so). If you demand a drum of respect, I’ll give you an ocean. Doing otherwise may prolong an interaction I’d probably rather not have. And I don’t demand for respect. Respect is something you EARN. Whenever a junior doesn’t respect me, I just tell myself that it wasn’t given because I haven’t earned it. Okay bye