The Write-up About The Straight Man Who Fell In Love With His Best Friend
Originally published on mindbodygreen.com
I’ve always prided myself on being open. I’ll try any new therapy or modality or New Age idea — and, believe me, I’ve tried them all. I’ve done the self-work. I’ve “found myself.” I’ve even practiced my affirmations. I knew who I was, without a doubt.
That’s why I found myself in unfamiliar territory when I — the open guy, the “figured out” guy, the unquestionably straight guy — realized that I was in love with my best friend, a man. A man I had known for seven years. A man I had never before even thought of in a romantic way. But, there I was, in love.
Only it didn’t start out as love. See, two summers ago, I came down with a mysterious illness. Not the common cold kind. Not even the achy back kind. This was the kind where you vomit massive amounts of blood throughout the day. The kind where doctors pass you from specialist to specialist. The kind where you’re bent over in pain with tears in your eyes.
And my roommate, Garrett, one of my best friends at the time, took pity on me. He took care of me. He picked up my prescriptions from the pharmacy. He cooked me dinner. He stayed in on Friday nights to watch movies. He’d even rub my back when I was in pain.
Each day, I waited anxiously until he came home from work. My face lit up when he surprised me with my favorite dinner. I replayed conversations we had when I was alone. I missed him when he was gone.
Two months into this routine, I had a thought — a tiny, little thought — that I loved him. It seemed preposterous. It seemed laughable. I shooed it away immediately. But that thought started creeping into my mind whenever he was away. That thought sneaked in whenever he did something nice or made me laugh.
And it all came down to this moment — one moment when he was cooking me dinner, and he looked over and smiled at me. I knew this was it. This was the moment where I had to decide if I could allow myself to love a man against everything I had previously known about myself. This was the moment when I had to decide if I was going to take a step forward into this crazy idea of telling my best friend that I loved him.
There’s a certain freedom in a life-threatening sickness. There’s a certain liberation in staring down death in the face. It makes you do crazy things. It makes you unafraid to tear down the only identity you’ve ever known for a gamble. It makes you walk right up to your best friend and tell him that you love him.
So I approached him cautiously. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I opened my mouth and no words came out. Again, I tried, and all I could say was, “Garrett, I have something to tell you.”
He looked at me earnestly.
“Garrett, I think I’m in love with you.”
His expression changed to that of confusion.
“Well, you’ve been so great and taken care of me, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. But, if I’ve ever felt love, this is it. And, well — I think I’m in love with you.”
He stopped and thought for a moment. It was a long moment. Then he opened his mouth again and asked, “Do you miss me when I’m away?”
I nodded my head slowly — uneasily.
“Do you get excited to see me?”
I nodded again, this time with a hint of uncertainty.
He looked back timidly. “Well, then I think I might love you too.”
We had no idea how to make this work. We had no idea if this even could work. Sometimes we still don’t. It took time — years even — to figure it out. But it’s a relationship. None of us know what we’re doing. We just try and negotiate and compromise. And, little by little, you become just another boring couple.
So, yes, I’m an otherwise straight man in love with a man. But I would never reduce Garrett down to just being a man. Because he’s more than that. He’s a pharmacist and a good cook and a great cards player. And I love him for all of those reasons and so many more. I love him for who he is, not what he is. We’re more than our gender. We’re more than one attribute. And sometimes we need to remember that.
We have this myth of identity — that who we are is the summation of a lot of choices we made in the past. That we’ve got a map for the life we’re supposed to lead, and we’ve got to stick to it. But that’s assuming that we’re all static beings, and that’s not how people work at all.
In every moment, we’re changing and evolving and growing. In every moment, we’re reconstructing our identity. We’re not defined by our decisions from two years ago. We’re not even defined by our decisions from two minutes ago. We’re defined by who we choose to be in this very moment.
We’ll never be “figured out.” Over the course of our lives, we’ll constantly be transforming into a more and more authentic version of ourselves. Our preferences will change. Our passions will change. And we have to be brave enough to choose the thing that makes up happiest in each individual moment.
When I chose to tell Garrett that I loved him, it didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my identity. It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my sexuality. It just mattered if it brought me love. In truth, that’s all that ever really matters.
We’re only here for a very short time. In every moment, we only have one real choice: Will it bring me closer to or further away from love?
So, tell me — will you choose love?
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54 Comments
KingBey
April 11, 06:52Broke back mountain? Awwwwwwnnnnn ! Love is a good feeling when it’s right. Make yourself happy because life is too short.
Lemuel
April 11, 06:53See love…Is this a fiction?
pinkpanthertb
April 11, 06:55No.
Ringlana
April 11, 06:54Was Expecting to see something like this”One Morning as he was in the Kitchen we grab each other andmade out”Etc. #dirtymind
pinkpanthertb
April 11, 06:56Lol. You’re finished, Ringlana
Ringlana
April 11, 06:59Kikiki laughing in french. That’s were my Ako. Na Uche was head. Mtchew
daniel
April 11, 06:57Words of wisdom…..
Yes I’ll choose love…
Mitch
April 11, 07:02“And I love him for all of those reasons and so many more. I love him for who he is, not what he is. We’re more than our gender.
We’re more than one attribute. And sometimes we need to remember that.”
This is one very huge truth people, both gay and straight have failed to realize. Your sexuality isn’t based on who you’re fucking at the moment but on who your heart is most willing to be with.
“We have this myth of identity — that who we are is the summation of a lot of choices we made in the past. That we’ve got a map for the life we’re supposed to lead, and
we’ve got to stick to it. But that’s assuming that we’re all static beings, and that’s not
how people work at all.
In every moment, we’re changing and evolving and growing. In every moment, we’re reconstructing our identity. We’re not defined by our decisions from two years ago. We’re not even defined by our decisions from two minutes ago. We’re defined by who we choose to be in this very
moment.
We’ll never be “figured out.” Over the course of our lives, we’ll constantly be transforming
into a more and more authentic version of ourselves. Our preferences will change. Our
passions will change. And we have to be brave enough to choose the thing that makes up happiest in each individual
moment.”
I’ve never believed in choosing your sexuality. I know, firsthand, that it is no choice at all. However, like the writer said, we change over time. Chamge is constant. So letls open our hearts up to it.
“We’re only here for a very short time. In every moment, we only have one real choice:
Will it bring me closer to or further away from love?”
I couldn’t have said it any better. As a matter of fact, I don’t think any of us could have. So my decision is simple. I choose love. No matter how tough the road is, or how many times I get hurt, I will choose love.
pinkpanthertb
April 11, 07:03A million likes for this comment.
trystham
April 11, 07:11Though we had the same mind, I have more. Does this explain David n Jonathan,…??
Mitch
April 11, 07:44Honestly Tryst, I have no idea.
Lol
trystham
April 11, 07:05Seemed shallow a reason to want to fall in love – just cos he was there, but then I realised I done d same for much less. I’ll try to remember this ” We’ll never be “figured out.” Over the course of our lives, we’ll constantly be transforming into a more and more authentic version of ourselves. Our preferences will change. Our passions will change…” part tho.
Dennis Macaulay
April 11, 07:12I am on the fence about this. Yes a straight man can fall in love with a man but let us consider the circumstances sorrounding it. He fell sick and this was his caregiver who took care of him, so he feels drawn to him like a subsconscious gratitude.
This is a thing in medicine, chronically ill patients thinking they are in love with their doctors, nurses orncare givers; i cannot remember what it is called (Sensei help me out).
Let him get better and stop needing this guy to take care of him, then we give it sometime and see if he still feels inlove with him.
Eros
April 11, 07:23The word you are looking for is Erotomania. The opposite is Florence Nightingale Syndrome where caregivers fall in love with their patients
trystham
April 11, 07:40thanks. Needed that
Absalom
April 11, 07:25The story does not make clear if he’s better now, or if Garrett still has to take care of him. I assumed he’s better now actually – sickness happened two summers before.
Absalom
April 11, 07:29Depending on what the sickness is sha.
chestnut
April 11, 09:25Wow,Dennis! I’m surprised that this is ur opinion…I wasn’t expecting this from u. *shocked*
Dennis Macaulay
April 11, 09:38@chestnut I am a man of many (large) parts! ***pun intended*** lol
chestnut
April 11, 09:44@Dennis: we’ve only seen the tiny parts though… #BOO-YAH! (Remember that vengeance is for the Lord alone o! Don’t react if someone shades u.Hehehe…)
Dennis Macaulay
April 11, 10:13Chestie because I like you and because I have wierd fantasies that involves doing nasty things with you I will let that slide!
Brian Collins
April 11, 07:14I just expect to see all sorts of crazy with this post. I bet Tef will not disappoint me.
So, this reminds me of some movie i saw a long time ago where the guys were cell mates in a prison in Europe and they helped each other through stuff in the prison and fell in love over the years. I think they escaped together too. Straight men can fall in love. What matters is if they decide to act on that love.
chestnut
April 11, 09:39Straight men can fall in (romantic) love with each other?
Up there,I said I was surprised at Dennis’s comments; well here’s why: let’s face it,there are lots of ppl on this blog that are eager to believe stories of “straight” men,falling in love with men, KDians who would read a “Whisper” or “Reddit” story like: “I’ve been straight all my life, but the thought of ever touching a woman repulses me; I’m only turned on by men,because sexuality isn’t a static concept”, and they’d swiftly leap into lectures of how “flexible” sexuality is,such that a straight man can love another man…but funny enough,this “flexibilty of sexuality” rarely (if ever) allows for a gay man to fall in romantic love with a woman. Heck some of these same KDians will never believe that a gay man who has a girlfriend really loves her (“he’s just using her to cover-up jor;he doesn’t like girls at all”), but the moment a straight man says he fell in love with a guy,it becomes: “sexuality is flexible; anyone can fall in love with anyone”. Lol. #MissMe
Pete
April 11, 10:05Nuttie, I love this
Teflondon
April 11, 13:59Chestnut.. Marry me already! You have a way of just being real and staying on point without actually insulting or throwing shade at anyone.
#MillionLikesForThisComment
pinkpanthertb
April 11, 14:47Do you ever have an opinion that isn’t proposing to others, asking them to lunch, or commenting on how they didn’t throw shade?
Gad
April 11, 15:32objectivity on display..
MacArdry
April 11, 16:16You’ve always been a downy one,chestnut.I hope someone respond to this
Jeova Sanctus Unus
April 12, 17:25Hello Chestnut,
Sexuality actually is flexible. When I was growing I constantly has sex with girls (though I did make out with my close friend in primary school).
Getting into high school, I realized I actually have feelings for boys too. Here was I, a kid who started messing around with girls as soon as he was born liking boys (I fucking ate a pussy before my 3rd birthday – I was only renacting stuff my nanny did with her boy toys).
Both attractions stayed with me but after a while I realized something. I’m more attracted to guys than to girls.
Sexuality is flexible. Human beings are different. Society is dynamic
Imagine that voltage meter on power stabilizers (Str8———-Bi———-Gay). One’s sexuality can fall anywhere. Some people are strictly heterosexual. Some others are strictly homosexual.
Saying sexuality is flexible doesn’t mean every individual’s arrow will keep darting from one extreme to the other. No, that statement looks at the big picture.
While sexuality may be flexible, some people grow up being stuck in an entirely different spectrum than that which they are wired to be in. These are the people that switch and may never return.
Now, sexuality is about attraction, not sex. Anyone can have sex with anyone (if they allow their minds to), but doesn’t apply with attraction.
I’m not (sexually) attracted to fat people, but I’ve sometimes worked my mind into having sex with them. Now, this isn’t sexuality but it paints that kind of picture.
Hello Max!
keredim69
April 11, 11:50“Shawshank redemption” perhaps?
Lothario
April 11, 07:16My name is Lothario…… and I choose love!
Dennis Macaulay
April 11, 07:21My name is Dennis and I chose MONEY
Lol
Mitch
April 11, 07:42That Igbo boy called Dennis nwa Macaulay!
Dennis Macaulay
April 11, 07:54Nna nwoke oma! Hafa! Jide one Orijin biko
Love ala
Mstchew
#BeenThereDoneThatThroughWithThatShit
Mitch
April 11, 08:11Nna nwanne, I think I’ll pass on the Orijin. Some of us around here are teetotalers.
And don’t get too hard and give up on love. You will still find the right person.
kendigin
April 11, 07:28Men fall in love with each other all the time, the difference is that most are too egotistical or ashamed to admit it.
There are several types and several levels of love. Sometimes its not even sexual.
I am gay but i’ve fallen in love with a straight guy before. Just like this story, he was my best friend and took care of me when he really didnt have to. Our relationship wasnt sexual and we didnt have the dramatic episode when we admit what we feel. But both of us knew it. Its just that deep intense feeling u have for eaach other. I didnt feel any sexual inclinations towards him at all.
Today he’s happily married with a kid. And i’m still gay and single. Lol
Absalom
April 11, 07:31Awwwn…
Dennis Macaulay
April 11, 07:44***hands you tissue***
Absalom
April 11, 07:54*dabs eyes with tip of tissue*
chestnut
April 11, 09:54@Kendigin:U’re gay and u’ve fallen in love with a straight man b4…it’s not the same as d story up there,cos that’s what u’re naturally inclined to do: fall in love with a MAN! But have u fallen in love with a GIRL, in exactly the same way u fell in love with that straight friend of yours before?
pinkpanthertb
April 11, 10:15Lol. Chestnut! Champion of what’s good for the geese is good for the gayndar
#TeamKizito
April 11, 07:43Well,
Hmmm.
Hmm.
Teflondon
April 11, 09:22Very touching story I must admit.. This things happen a lot. It’s just must heterosexual Nigerians or Africans wouldn’t even want to nurture the idea of such things happening to them.. Or they won’t come out about it.
The thing is men do love eachother a lot.. And do things that are even gay-like but that doesn’t neccesarily mean they are homosexuals or the feel sexually attracted to the person they love. I know a lot of brethens (S/O to my fellow beloved Man Utd followers here) they would do anything for a brother just cause they support the same club.. I’ve str8 guys kiss eachother, hug, hold hands.. Do things together.. Just because the believe in the same things.. To me that’s some level of love.. But they would never come out to admit it.
Back to the article above, I’m just confused, as I haven’t been able to clarify from the piece above if they actually feel anything sexual to each other. But one thing is certain, what they have for eachother is love.
Sadly Im not the love type.. So I really don’t the definition of true love. Lol
chestnut
April 11, 10:04I think,for the writer to feel the need to write an entire article on the subject,then he must not be talking about everyday-brotherly-love that most straight friends share among one another; everybody already knows that close friends of the same gender have a lot of (brotherly/agape) love between them;it’s not news,so I don’t htink that’s the kind of love he’s talking about…he’s talking about “romantic” love, the kind between a man and a woman who are in love with each other.
Teflondon
April 11, 10:23Agreed. Then if that’s the case.. It’s really confusing.. and intriguing that just being taken care of by a frnd.. Love one! Could arouse sexual feelings towards the person.. Esp same gender.
My conclusion is he had always been gay but never paid attention to his real feeling until now. It’s quite surprising that a “Str8” man could be this emotional to the extent of writing an article like this about his feelings.
Jaja
April 11, 10:23Read this a few months ago when I’d just told a close friend on WhatsApp that I loved him and he told me he’s straight but that my feelings shouldn’t “stop us from being the normal friends we used to be”. I expected his understanding yet when it came, his calm surprised me. I’m sure he’s straight but I’ve always felt he cared about me more than his other friends even though they are closer. When we laugh he casually holds my hand; when we take selfies his hand is around my back or waist; when we talk he says, “You know I will always tell you the truth”; and he tells me his love life, including a near-shattering heartbreak when the girl he’d planned to marry, and had had a long sexless relationship with, suddenly told him that she was engaged. He once told me that he’d prefer someone who loved him to someone he loved. He’s 8 years older than me. He agreed recently to visit me even though I told him that I’d understand if he wouldn’t want to. We last saw in January when we did our convocation. When he comes, he would surely want to talk about it, fill those comfortable silences we spend.
Ringlana
April 11, 12:26*Awwww* so. Touching but I feel you.
wondabuoy
April 11, 15:36Love is VERY powerful. The issue is that most of us infatuate a lot. We shun love a lot. We tend not to believe in it as if it makes us less man.
Controversy
April 12, 01:58E joor, Biko. How does one get stories published on this blog? I’m queer and I write.
pinkpanthertb
April 12, 03:29Write what you want to write about and send to pantherptb@yahoo.com
Jeova Sanctus Unus
April 12, 17:53Hello Chestnut,
Sexuality actually is flexible. When I was growing I constantly has sex with girls (though I did make out with my close friend in primary school).
Getting into high school, I realized I actually have feelings for boys too. Here was I, a kid who started messing around with girls as soon as he was born liking boys (I fucking ate a pussy before my 3rd birthday – I was only renacting stuff my nanny did with her boy toys).
Both attractions stayed with me but after a while I realized something. I’m more attracted to guys than to girls.
Sexuality is flexible. Human beings are different. Society is dynamic
Imagine that voltage meter on power stabilizers (Str8———-Bi———-Gay). One’s sexuality can fall anywhere. Some people are strictly heterosexual. Some others are strictly homosexual.
Saying sexuality is flexible doesn’t mean every individual’s arrow will keep darting from one extreme to the other. No, that statement looks at the big picture.
While sexuality may be flexible, some people grow up being stuck in an entirely different spectrum than that which they are wired to be in. These are the people that switch and may never return.
Now, sexuality is about attraction, not sex. Anyone can have sex with anyone (if they allow their minds to), but doesn’t apply with attraction.
I’m not (sexually) attracted to fat people, but I’ve sometimes worked my mind into having sex with them. Now, this isn’t sexuality but it paints that kind of picture.
Hello Max!
Coming Out of My Cage
May 04, 14:01Reblogged this on Coming Out of My Cage.
wildero64
May 09, 23:08Wow, this is an awesome story. It’s awesome that you allow yourself to go with the way you feel and not have some internal ashamed crisis over it.
Jhoei
October 03, 12:36I admire your being brave to admit what you really feel about falling in love with your best friend who is a man just like you. Keep the love burning, there’s nothing wrong with it.