I have been celibate ever since my steady lay, Chibuzor, got himself a proper boyfriend. I don’t really think about it, because work keeps me pretty preoccupied and I’ve been working on some personal projects. But the body is not firewood.

Sure, porn and a little hand lotion can relieve the tension, but such behaviour is very addictive and I don’t want to be a slave to bad habits.

But yeah, I bust a nut once in a while. Once in a too often while actually. Lol.

Anyway, Easter was approaching and I’d taken a few extra days off from work to add to the long Easter weekend. I’d decided to take a trip to Calabar to visit the mother and grandmother, and I knew that I couldn’t spend such a long time in Calabar without sampling the local delicacies. (And I’m not talking about food)

I was going to get laid whether the devil likes it or not.

A friend of mine recommended Grindr, since I had no friends in Calabar. It would be a nice easy way to meet new people and maybe get laid. I cringed. I’d heard about Grindr and somehow I wasn’t comfortable with such a sex obsessed site, as many people called it, but hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

So I decided to download the app. After everything was set up, the “people near you” page opened, and all I could see were sections of wet/sweaty male torsos, curvy plump backsides artfully poised for the cameras, and some full luscious looking lips. Alright, this looked interesting.

But no, it wasn’t as interesting after all. Here’s why.

1: The people near me were actually not near me at all. I saw guys from Port Harcourt, Abuja and Lagos, and Benin. It took me two days to find anyone in Calabar, and he was a real (forgive my French) BITCH!

2: People used millennia to reply messages. Hello, imbecile, I can see the green online icon beside your unnecessarily provocative display picture. Reply my frigging message forgossake!

3: Grindr was every bit as sex obsessed as everyone claimed. Sure, I signed up to get laid alright, but I could also just make friends too. But many people just wanted “right now” even if the options of “relationship” or “chats” or “networking” were in their profiles. I know this because as soon as I’m chatting with anyone and the person finds out I’m not within shagging distance, the convo ends.

4: So many irritating, obnoxious and egotistical bios were all over the place. What the hell does “Am a manly nigga, feminine bitches stay off” mean? Or, “no pics no convos”? Someone even had the nerve to put this as his bio: “you must have a car, house and a job before you even think of hollering”. I refuse to deal.

Then there were the deadly dull bios and profiles. Some guys be like: “Am a cool guy” or, “Am real” or “Cool and calm”. Erm, excuse me, SO BLOODY WHAT??? Besides, “I’m” not “Am”. How did you pass Common Entrance, man?

There were a few exceptions. Very few. Ok, just two for now anyway. They seem like nice guys, and we chat like warm acquaintances about a number of issues. They both are based in Port Harcourt, so there isn’t any pressure of sex and it’s so cool.

Anyway, my vacation is coming to an end, and I’m still un-laid. I’m considering deleting the Grindr app, as it didn’t carry out its function. Maybe I should just chill. The vacation isn’t over yet. (wink, wink)

Written by Santa Diaba

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  1. simba
    April 11, 06:42 Reply

    Any bro, in calabar to cool diablo Mangina…..indicate ooo… seems this an advert lol

    • wytem
      April 11, 06:48 Reply

      Lol……You r one hot mess for that @ simba

    • Khristopher B!
      April 11, 08:20 Reply

      Cool welcome bro! Calabar is my city. It’s been kinda dull since I moved here. Not really met much peeps because of paranoia and avoiding Kiti, but the city is quite a place to relax and spend your hard earned money. It’s over hyped tho…lolz

  2. Lemuel
    April 11, 06:45 Reply

    Enter manjam and serve yourself some male dishes

  3. KingBey
    April 11, 06:46 Reply

    Yeah….Grindr is actually only interesting when your in Lagos or Abuja….that’s when you have more options…..but trust me, I have had good fucks and even good friends to this day all from grindr…..and it’s kinda safe because most guys there are comfy….if you can afford an Android or ios phone, then you wouldn’t be so poor.

  4. kendigin
    April 11, 06:54 Reply

    All the hookup sites/app are the same. Its always all abt shagging, quick!
    Its not just a gay thing, its a “man” thing. I think men register emotions with physical contact i.e sex. Its our means of communication.
    But problem is, sex can either bring u closer or destroy what little connection u have.
    If u meet a guy when ur horny, chances are its only going to be about sex. And when you done shagging, theres nothing left and its over!

    • pinkpanthertb
      April 11, 06:56 Reply

      Or the shagging gets so good, something is nurtured, and it’s not over just yet.

      • chestnut
        April 11, 10:39 Reply

        @Dennis: “hand”? Er…I don’t think that’s the ‘experienced’ body-part that first comes to mind here…(Hey Pinky! How u doin’? Hehe…)

  5. Pete
    April 11, 06:56 Reply

    Online hookup *shudders*

    • kendigin
      April 11, 07:20 Reply

      Lol. No matter how good sex is, eventually both will get bored and over it. So if there’s nothing more then na to say goodbye and move to d next shag. Sm people make d mistake of thinking that just bcos sex is good that means they in a relatnship.
      Relatnship takes effort from both parties. Both must be on d same page as to what they want. It crumbles when one person is trying hard and the other just relaxes there and makes no effort.

  6. Dennis Macaulay
    April 11, 06:59 Reply

    I am a grindr tourist, so I think it works just fine if you want a quick lay! Portharcourt has a lot of peeps available and many people are on grindr extra so their profiles dont pop up!

    I have made good friends on grindr too!

  7. Mitch
    April 11, 07:07 Reply

    Gay hookup apps? A no-no for me. Call me scared or whatever, I just have never felt comfortable with them

  8. Absalom
    April 11, 07:07 Reply

    How do you go to a bar and complain that the drinks are plentiful?

    How do you go to a hook-up and be – gasp! – surprised that it’s a sexualised place?

    I don’t know that travelling to a place briefly and cruising for guys is a safe idea. In a bid to hit it sharperly before leaving you might fall into the hands of a criminal.

    About the dull bios, lol. As a rule I NEVER message people whose profiles simply say “I’m cool” or “I’m sexy” – because everybody is cool and sexy these days. But if you message me first I’ll reply – and see where that leads. In the last 2 weeks I’ve made met interesting peeps. Don’t complain. 🙂

  9. Lothario
    April 11, 07:23 Reply

    That “I’m” and “am” cross really gets to me…..I literally scream.

    • trystham
      April 11, 08:01 Reply

      Ugh!!! Bloody snob that I am, its a mark down. There is something about sum1 who dots ‘i’s n crosses ‘t’s that is very sensual n appealing. Feels like I cud learn loads from such ppl.

  10. Brian Collins
    April 11, 07:24 Reply

    Lemme just confess that i couldnt figure out how to work that grindr so i deleted it just as soon as i downloaded. I was only ever able to go online at nite and never saw anyone online. It was a bore

  11. #TeamKizito
    April 11, 07:53 Reply

    Where 2go is at, ‘Grinder’ is following suit. Some mumu mumu apps..

    The ‘Am’ thing.. *sigh* (I miss Chizzie.)

    Shutting up.

  12. Stickysly
    April 11, 07:55 Reply

    “you must have a car, house and a job before you even think of hollering”.

    I personally have seen this bio on grinder.
    I was just as pissed.

      • trystham
        April 11, 09:14 Reply

        Errr… I hope I av not sent this to the wrong person…AGAIN.

  13. Teflondon
    April 11, 08:50 Reply

    You wanted a quick shag.. And you visited an app that is filled with people just like you that wanted the same things.. Yet, here you are complaining?! Lol how can humans possible be ever satisfied with anything.

    As for the bios, I don’t think you expect people to put real infos of themselves in a site filled with sex starved people.. Desperate to get laid with anyone or anything for that matter. Seriously I don’t know what you were on about, so if I may ask.. What would you have put on your bio? (Hoping to learn from you answer)
    I have never visited Grindr and I never will.. I don’t visit gay dating site, maybe when I was younger but not anymore. Considering the kinds of country we live in.. Such sites are filled with jobless lowlife scumbags. Maybe not all but majority.
    Whatever happened to meeting people naturally, develop a relationship and then take it from there. Except you admit you a hoe* telling me you go on gay sites to look for ‘healthy’ relationships is just downright lies.

  14. Sinnex
    April 11, 11:59 Reply

    Lol…Let me laugh small.

    Anyway, I still think Grindr is the best place to meet guys in Nigeria. I have met some cool and good looking guys there.
    Yes, you are right about guys wanting quick shag.

    I also noticed that despite the fact that you are getting along just fine with someone, when the time comes to state present location, when the person discovers that you are in a different city, the conversation ends immediately.

    Or the random white guy who sends you his nude and expect you to reciprocate. No ‘hello’, ‘hi’…and when you request for face pic, they send nude, and when you insist they stop chatting.

    The truth is that, most of the white guys on the app annoy me.

    Grindr is getting boring sha, it seems like I have chatted with everyone on the site.

  15. Brian Collins
    April 11, 12:47 Reply

    And i saw ‘lowlife scumbags’ and knew where it came from.

  16. chalantx
    April 11, 20:09 Reply

    Welcome to your first grindr experience.

  17. Khal
    April 11, 23:06 Reply

    Oh well!
    Its a hookup app for goodness sake! Its about the sex, why now say some guys just want it quick quick shag shag, that’s what’s expected!
    You’re the exception for wanting to make friends on a hookup app, even the developers of the app ensured that its sexualized. Notice the profile preferences are about physical appeal not personality…
    And from experience, when a person doesn’t reply your messages then you probably are not his spec from what he can make of your profile or initial convo (and from your few paragraphs I can imagine having a convo with you) – not to say that there’s no better way to put you off but people will always be people and they don’t care about your hurt ego cause they don’t friggin know you!

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