TAKING THINGS SERIOUS

So I hooked up with this guy awhile ago. He was quite good in the sack, with endless energy; made me cum twice in a row, something that hadn’t happened in awhile.

At some point during sex, he started proclaiming love to me. That was totally fine by me; we’ve all had that moment where the sex is so good, that the only way those intense pleasures make any sense is if there’s heavy emotional attachment involved. However, after the first round, he reiterated his love confessions, adding how much he wanted us to get into a relationship. Again, not something I scoff at. God knows I’ve had a boyfriend where our first hookup kick-started the relationship.

But I couldn’t take this guy seriously because I wasn’t that into him. As far as I was concerned, he was a hookup, not someone I wanted to get emotionally entangled with. He was good looking but dull, couldn’t hold a conversation, and even worse, didn’t get sarcasm. I always had to explain to him whenever I made a sarcastic comment. I just knew that I’d be bored with him in a week, if I consented to us being a thing.

But I couldn’t tell him a flat-out “No”. I mean, I liked him as someone I wanted to have regular sex with. Turning him down would certainly make him not want to see me again. So, instead, I told him we needed to take things slow; at least, try to get to know ourselves more, seeing as this hookup happened within a day of meeting on Grindr. He agreed. Then we had sex again to, well, seal the deal? I dunno. All I know is that he made me cum a second time.

In the many days that followed that first hookup however, this guy became a ghost. I mean, if you were chyking someone, you would constantly check up on them, not so? You know, WhatsApp texts, regular phone calls, sweet nothings in text messages, the whole shebang. But oga simply vanished. No communication, not even the occasional Hello. I wasn’t checking on him though; I in fact welcomed this incommunicado with relief. I didn’t want to have to pretend I was working towards being into him, had he made the effort to stay in touch.

About two weeks after our hookup, I was horny and I hit him up. He responded. We chatted a bit. Then I asked if he could come over. We agreed on a time for the next day. That next day and time came and passed, and this guy ghosted me. He didn’t even have the decency to text any excuses. It was crickets from him. I was slightly offended, but not so much. Because the horniness I’d been feeling the day before wasn’t so much that day. I did text him but he didn’t respond. So I shrugged it off and moved on.

Then, a friend visited me from Abuja, and it was three blissful days of sex, laughter and intimacy. We took walks hand-in-hand, played Monopoly, and cooked together – Well, he cooked and I just hung around the kitchen and kissed him occasionally. Of course, I posted some selfies we took on my WhatsApp status, and apparently, this guy saw the updates.

A few days after my friend left Owerri, the guy hit me up on WhatsApp. I thought he wanted to schedule a hookup, and went straight to the point.

“So, what’s up? You want to come over?” I asked after we’d exchanged some preliminary chitchat.

“Why are you asking me? I thought you had someone with you,” he retorted.

For a moment, I didn’t understand what he was saying. And I asked, “What do you mean?”

“The guy you were posting on your WhatsApp some days ago,” he fumed. “I don’t even know what to say to you. How can you cheat on me like that?”

I was astonished. My first reaction was astonishment.

That was quickly followed up with seething resentment.

WTF!!!

“You’re kidding, right?” I replied. “Cos surely you can’t be serious.”

And in his usual total lack of awareness when it comes to irony, he answered, “I am serious. I thought we agreed to take things serious.”

“Was that agreement to take things serious what you had in mind when you ghosted me for days after we last saw?” I snapped back. “Was it a relationship you were thinking about when you ghosted me the last time we talked and didn’t even have the decency to give me a reason? Is that how you took things serious with your previous boyfriends?”

My anger was unmistakable, and he saw it. He immediately backpedalled and texted back, “Nawa to you o. You too vex. No be so na.”

So, not only had he chosen to patronise me now instead of apologizing, but he was acting like we’d become so familiar with each other, he now knows that I “too vex”.

“It’s just that I was hurt. What you did hurt my feelings and I said let me tell you because –”

He was still typing when I scrolled upward and hit the block button.

He may be good in bed, but he’s not THAT good abeg.

Written by Pink Panther