The Life That Was Robbed From The Nigerian Gay Community
There are so many innocent harmless aspects of the hookup culture in Nigeria that the SSMPA has taken away from us.
A few days ago, I was on my way on an errand to Ikotun, and I passed a junction at Ejigbo. I remembered the junction well. It was 2012, and I’d met this guy on Manjam who asked me over to his place. I left Yaba, all the way from Yaba to Ejigbo, for that hookup. No hesitation. No paranoia. I simply went to Ejigbo, we shagged, and he walked me to that junction, where I got on a bus homebound.
I remember another hookup in Okokomaiko. 2012 too. That year, I wasn’t working, I moved around the block a lot. That Okokomaiko hookup… I got to the guy’s house to see other guys there. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t feel fear. I didn’t start seeing these guys as devils with designs to set me up. The guy I came to see took me to his room, we shagged, and I was soon on my way.
Towards the ending of 2011, when I traveled back home to the East from Lagos for the Christmas holiday, I stopped over at Asaba. For a hookup! As in, I took my full luggage, traveling bag and school bag, with belongings like my laptop and my wallet full of money I was taking home to give to people from my uncle, and my clothes, and shoes… I took all these things and I stopped over at Asaba to spend the night with a guy I’d been chatting with. And the next morning, he put me in a bus, and I was on my way on to Owerri.
I think about these hookups I had pre-antigay law, about how uncomplicated they were, about how hookups were just that: hookups. We meet. We shag. We move on. No danger. No risks. No setups.
I think about how I have now so cancelled Ikotun/Ejigbo hookups, that even if the guy is someone I’ve been told is a member of the community, I wouldn’t step anywhere near there to see him. Heck, even with the errand I was running there a few days ago, I felt like my safety was so threatened, like the words “GAY” were tattooed on my forehead and that anytime, some group of hooligans would jump out and kito me. This is how much I’ve grown to be averse to Ikotun area.
I think about how – forgetting the fact that I’d much sooner kiss and make up with Bisi Alimi than go to Okokomaiko for a hookup – the presence of any other guy in a room where I’m supposed to hook up with someone instantly puts me on code red alert! When I was working in Yaba, I remember two hookups I had. One was in Bariga, close to where I was temporarily staying. I was on a bike roaming the guy’s street, looking for his number. And when I saw the number, it was to meet a group of guys gathered around outside the gate. I didn’t even miss a beat: I simply told the okada man to circle around and take me back home.
The second one was in Sabo. I stepped into his house, saw three other guys in there, lounging about, drinking and smoking. And I stepped back out. Never mind that I was already sure this hookup was on the level, but something about other guys being around unnerved me. We eventually got to shag anyway, when he had the good sense to invite me when he didn’t have visitors in his place.
And I think about how it would be a cold day in hell before I’d travel to see anyone whose gay identity I haven’t already seen, signed and verified. Let alone stopping over on my way to someplace else.
A friend of mine, in reminiscing about the life that was robbed from us, remembers an episode in December 2010. He was in the university and didn’t go home for Christmas. He had a major exam coming up in January, and even though he spent Christmas Day in his uncle’s place in Warri, returned to school before January 1. The off-campus hostel where he lived was practically empty, and he was soon bored. He went on 2go on New Year’s Eve afternoon and around 4 pm, started chatting with a guy studying in Uniben. Half seriously letting him know of his bored status and asking if he could visit. And the guy said yes! By 7 pm, he was in my friend’s room. They had a good time, and then afterwards, he excitedly told my friend of a “TB party” taking place in town that night. In the end, after they rooted around for details, it turned out the party was a birthday party of a lesbian, and so, they decided to stay indoors instead, with the Uniben guy returning to Benin the next day.
“Looking back,” my friend says, “I can’t help but see how the entire sequence of events that night cannot take place in current Nigeria.”
There is so much innocence that this antigay law has taken away from our hookup culture, replacing uncomplicated random sex with demons who mean the community harm both from within and without.
Written by Pink Panther
About author
You might also like
The Minority Report Nigeria returns with a new conversation about the Lagos Pride March
From Angola decriminalizing same sex relations and the possibility of Kenya following suit, to the ridiculousness of Nigerians in 2019 still comparing homosexuality to pedophilia, murder and thievery (Hello, Cool
Would You Mind It If Your Child Was Gay?
I recently came across an online conversation on Nigerian Gay Twitter where the topic of parenting a gay child was being discussed. A netizen with the handle @Grizz_nomad retweet-commented on
KD’s Fashion Police: The Met Gala 2015
Hello, guys, it’s John Ocean again, yes that John Ocean, and no thank you, I did not. So, the Met Gala came and went, and I loved every minute of
28 Comments
Rubee
November 17, 06:43It’s so sad…
But we’ll survive ? ? ?
CHUCK
November 17, 11:06Maybe this will drive faithful monogamy?
Rubee
November 17, 11:22Maybe…
But that’s only possible if the individuals are ready to fully commit to monogamous relationships.
Rubee
November 17, 11:24A lot of people talk the talk but can’t walk the walk
Dan
November 17, 21:03Monogamyous relationship is the best.
Black Coffee
November 17, 22:32. . .forgetting the fact that I’d much sooner kiss and make up with Bisi Alimi than go to Okokomaiko for a hookup . . .
That ☝ got me LMAO, Pinky be looking for trouble o.
Anonymous
November 17, 23:10Pinky has been sharing “it” for a long ass time.
This is exactly the reason I refuse to date… Btms go about giving the cookie up to any Nigga that comes then they meet me and want to be serious…
Like seriously!! Nigga, treat me like you treated other Niggas…… I want to smash and move on too.
Why should I accept someone’s leftovers when I can get someone with no or a reasonable body count?
I refuse to settle.
SMH
Pink Panther
November 17, 23:14Lol. Are you serious? Are you honestly carrying this heterosexual misogynistic mentality into the gay community? Instead of you to own the real reason, whatever it is, behind you choosing not to be in a relationship, you’re blaming the bottoms who have an active sex life?
Are you for real? Somehow a bottom who has plenty of sex is too damaged goods to be in a relationship?
LMAO. It’s unbelievable what some of you gay men think.
Colossus
November 18, 08:25Damn! This was painful to read, so are you a virgin? You’ve not had sex with other people? What’s the big deal if someone has a more healthier sex appetite than you? That automatically cancels out the person?
You’re truly dumb
J
November 18, 14:59You waka no be small ah ??? You’ve seen it all, been back and forth, walked through the valley and shadow of dicks. SSMPA is your bed rest and house arrest.
I really doubt if this person is as messy as they’re claiming. I wanted to know who this Pinky is, guy has the aura of a basic bitch… The little misunderstanding with Bisi Alimi actually eased my stress of searching… I mean I thought I would see a savage person covered with tattoos and piercings. But then I was wowed. He actually look so sweet, innocent face, can easily cry when scolded, that gentleman kind of person you know, always smiling at the camera…
How are you able to balance? I think Pinky is a werewolf that comes out at moonlight.
keredim
November 18, 22:51please what are you on about????
J
November 18, 23:06Are you jealous? Because I said Pinky looks so sweet instead of Keredim? ?
Do you think I am crushing over Pinky? Hell no! We’re sisters, two parallel lines. I’m a nun while Pinky is a shewolf the type that needs Jesus ? I can’t relate with her in any way, light and darkness ???
Keredim
November 19, 07:27Tufiakwa!!
No, not jealous at all.
Just couldn’t make sense of your rambling…
Still can’t.
??♂️??♂️??♂️
J
November 19, 08:04Na you sabi, oniranu ?
Sens8
November 18, 15:24When I first started out on the scene, I’d go from UNN to Auchi, Owerri, Port Harcourt, Awka and lord knows how many more places for a hookup.
I remember when Lagos was a hotspot for random hookups and the gay night life e.g. Herbert Macaulay, from Sabo to Ebute Metta especially the Casino Cinemas; Bar Beach, Kuramo and environs; Aguda which was one of my favourite spots as I used to work in Surulere, and nobody batted an eyelid. Now, everyone on Grindr et. al. is a potential suspect until vetted by the Gay Secret Service and the Rainbow Pages. So much effort now goes into verification that should be spent on doing things like actual work.
mike
November 20, 03:21Thank god for the anti gay law then, cause thats a whole lot of fucks for one nyash, seriously.
One thing is clear, the was/is effective in curtailing yhur taste, bro yhu tasty die.
Do not mistake an active sex life for promiscuity biko. Two different things.
I wouldn’t even get down with a person if I mistakenly get the impression that they’re a hoe-lokopedia, my insecurity. There was this incident where a guy was coming from a neighbouring state to attend a lowkey, high class party between friends, the host was eager to show off his new bf,that is the guy coming, coming for the nigga to arrive and it was discovered he has been with everybody there except 5 guys . It was the niggas he had been with right there in his presence that urged the host to break it off with the guy, that he was not dating or love material. The poor nigga took a night cab back to his state.
There is also a case of a guy that slept with 12 guys in one night, it was fun for the night. It came back to hunt him a year later when he meet someone who was serious about him, the council of elders decided his faith without him been present.
Promiscuity should be the new hiv, biko. Bad rep.
Pink Panther
November 20, 03:30Well, thank God for you, the moral police of the gay community. We appreciate your input. And don’t worry, those of us thirsty, promiscuous, hoe-lokopedic, bad-rep-acquiring hoes would never bother getting down with a stuck-up, judgmental prick like you.
J
November 20, 06:11And I know that you didn’t write the story to be applauded… There’s too much hate for the community and there are young gays coming up in confusion. This will definitely not help matters.
Unless you want to turn your blog to a hoe blog or may be you want to be flexible, variety as they say is the spice of life. I hope this is not a self activism, because someone is looking up to you.
Pink Panther
November 20, 08:01Please just shut up and save me your insufferably holier than thou attitude. It’s gotten old. It’s gotten boring. And everyone here can see through the act.
The blog represents all facets of what it means to be gay. It’s been doing that for four years. If you’re looking for something you’re not getting here, by all means, disinvite yourself. You keep mouthing off like you’re some gay community administrator with the interests of our entire community at heart. How about you focus on your own needs and your own expectations, at least until you’re able to outgrow such toxic mentalities like how gay men who receive dick are women and entitled to be taken care of by their fellow men.
Yes. That’s one heck of a noble sense of upright activism that favours the gay community.
SMH.
J
November 20, 10:08You’re obsessed with sex, most of the guys here are. Sex is good until it takes over your sense of reasoning. I’m rebuking every moral panic that comes my way. I’ll try not comment on your blog again. ✌
Keredim
November 22, 22:54“I’ll try not comment on your blog again.” ✌
For real?! Is that a threat or a promise??
Sens8
November 20, 07:55All these holier than thou saints. Abeg shift!! Mtcheww. Just because you can’t do it doesn’t make you the in-house moral compass. Same people that will claim anti-hoelokopedic are the same ones that will absorb third mainland and be looking for Eko bridge join.
You are what you are. Deal with it and stop shifting your insecurities on the rest of us.
Pink Panther
November 20, 08:06My dear Sens8, help me see o. I think it speaks to a deep insecurity that some people can’t seem to focus on their saintliness and stop getting offended someone else expresses his sexual activity. Like, if you’re so happy not being a hoe, why do you get very hot and bothered with someone else’s active sex life.
mike
November 20, 14:23Am not judgmental, buh sweetheart, yhu just equated promiscuity with having a life, maybe yhu should have rewritten or better frame yhur title well.
In light of yhur sweetheart, yhu made the anti gay look very good, this is not coming from a religious side, this is coming from a moral, health conscious human decency side of the spectrum. Straight or gay I would still take the same stance. In person I would like to get close to yhu n study the whys of yhur lifestyle choice, while calmly praying I never become one of yhur victims. And also secretly a huge part of me, would also admire yhu, cause I wish I could do that too, atleast the top version of whatever that is, buh mu brain and my heart no go let me hear word.
How do yhu do it, without getting attached?.
How do yhu just let it go and be like, okay lets fuck ?.
Is there a criteria to this conquest of yhurs, or what ?.
How do yhu deal with been looked down on or labelled a cheerful giver ?.
Finally how do yhu deal with been lonely ?, yhu know the saying ” if yhu are everywhere, it means yhur nowhere”.
I actually love to know the answer to those, plz.
Ace
November 20, 16:21There are a lot of things wrong with your comment but the absolute worst is the beginning of the first one. How do you even think it’s proper in any form to be thankful for a law that has resulted in the death of hundreds and persecution of thousands? How could you say you’re thankful for something that has marginalized and dehumanized an already segregated group? Then you go ahead to justify it as a corrective/preventive measure for homosexual promiscuity from a “moral” standpoint, the mental gymnastics you’ve performed here deserve the gold and a nod from the APA gods.
You admonish someone for behaviour you- someone who has never met said someone or can say anything definitive about their actual life, reality or psyche- consider wrong then go ahead to state that you wish you could engage in the “top version” of the aforementioned behaviour. This is the same sexist misogynistic attitude some men have that allows them to shame women who have more than one sexual partner as whores while they are considered virile and masculine when they bed thousands. This attitude has translated to the gay community where people who prefer to bottom are given the same treatment, it is wrong and absolutely illogical.
There is no “conquest” and contrary to what you may believe, consensual sexual relations is not victimization and I’d hope he deals with being looked down on by raising his head high to loom back at the cowards who would rather point out the perceived flaws of another than fix their own perception, how they distinguish between dissent and disapproval, and how they voice their opinions on said “flaws”.
Also, ” human decency” typically involves not making narrow minded assumptions about strangers as most of your questions seem to be less borne out of curiosity looking to learn and more like someone who is looking for confirmation of views he already holds as fact.
My comment is not intended to disrespect or insult you or anyone else but please do better.
P.s what’s with people calling their significant others names like “sweetheart”, “honey pie”, etc, maybe we secretly are all cannibals with an innate desire to consume our partners so as to be truly one.
P.p.s calling someone you don’t know sweetheart is really creepy, like tellietubbies-in-black&white creepy.
Pink Panther
November 21, 15:17I was initially going to ignore your questions, because they reek of a certain bias I can’t stand. But I figured, just in case you have no idea how injurious your earlier comments and way of reasoning are, and just in case you actually are predisposed to learning something from my response, then let me answer you.
First of all, you keep throwing about the words “promiscuity” and I wonder: what exactly is promiscuity? Too much sex? Ok, so who gets to right to judge what is too much sex and what isn’t too much sex? What number qualifies as someone having too much sex? In the post, I wrote only about three hookups and you pounced, calling me promiscuous. I talked about THREE hookups and said something about being around the block, and somehow, yo your puritanical mind, I was being promiscuous. What standing do you have to classify who is being promiscuous and who isn’t?
The title wasn’t wrong. The title was exactly right. I did not equate promiscuity (I really, really hate this word) to having a life. What the title is trying to say is that the antigay law came and took away a way of life from gay Nigerians. And that way of life is the hookup culture. And yes, sex and hookup IS a way of life. People like you may have it in their nature to just sit at home, waiting for MR. Right who hasn’t been around the block to materialize and embark on a relationship with you, but there are people who are out there, on Grindr, on Badoo, on 2go, actively seeking sex and hooking up. It is a way of life for us. Actually, let me rephrase that. Sex and hookup are a way of life for generally every human being, straight or gay. The only difference is that straight Nigerians do not get victimized when they go hooking up and having sex.
It is good that you are “morally upright”. It is good that you are not casual about sex. But that doesn’t make your choices more invalid than someone who has a more active sex life than you. You are not a better person than someone hoeing around simply because you have sex once in six months and he does thrice a week. Sex is not what makes you decent. The ability to not be casual about sex does not make you a better human being. It doesn’t place you above the fatal scorn of those who hate gay people. They are not going to see you identify as a gay man and not lynch you because of how inactive your sex life is. So for you to come out and sort of imply that there is a goodness to the antigay law because, to your warped sense of reasoning, it hampered gay hookups in Nigeria, is not only insensitive, but wicked and cruel. It implies that you think those who get kitoed deserve what happens to them simply because they were exercising their carnal rights to exist as sexual beings.
Pink Panther
November 21, 15:18Now to your first question: how does one go about having sex without getting attached? Well, I don’t. sometimes I get attached, sometimes I don’t. and with each sexual encounter, with each hookup, I learn a little bit of something about life that adds to my growth as a human being.
How do I let it go and be like, okay let’s fuck? Well, there is nothing to let go. Sex can be just sex. Or it can be something more. It all depends on your mindset going in. sex is NOT always as deep as some people like you make it out to be. Sometimes, it can be a purely physical thing, a satisfaction of a need that doesn’t amount to anything more.
Is there a criteria to this conquest of mine? I won’t even pretend that I know what you are talking about here. Except to try and point out that sex is not a battle. There are no conquests. There are two (or more) people usually equally invested in the accomplishment of maximized pleasure. I don’t know what you mean by there being a criteria, but there are no conquests when it comes to sex. Nobody conquers anybody.
How do I deal with being looked down on or labeled a cheerful giver? You mean, like you were doing with your comments? Well, I don’t have to deal with that because I feel no shame about being sexual. There’s a saying that no one can shame you over what you feel no shame for. I find sex to be a beautiful thing and not some dirty thing that people like you make it out to be. I find that having sex is a natural thing, something I have a right to indulge in. And the looking down on someone else for being sexually active says more about the insecurities of the person doing the looking down on than the person who is sexually active. I am not the one who should feel shame. The person who should feel shame are the people like you: who feel that the sex people have can be policed.
And how do I deal with being lonely? Well, loneliness is a concept that has nothing to do with being sexually active. People in relationships can be just as lonely as people who are just into random hookups. I have also been in relationships myself, and there is nothing lonelier than being at the receiving end of a breakup which makes you wonder why you went into it in the first place. Random hookups is not a determinant of loneliness. Loneliness is a state of mind that is triggered by whatever the person going through it feels the most downcast about. There are just as much happy people simply hooking up as there are those who have steady relationships.
And if you ask me: it seems to me like you battle with loneliness yourself. And YET, you are not into random hookups. So who is the most fucked up now?
Delarose
November 21, 01:10True Word