The NYSC Diaries (Entry 5)

The NYSC Diaries (Entry 5)

Y’all know how I promised myself that I wasn’t going to make any friends in this camp. And you know how epically the Orishas set me up to fail at that. Well, a few days into camp, I swore to myself that I was going to go through camp without any emotional entanglements and without befriending any gay person. (Not because I’m internally homophobic. Hello? Have you met me? I’m like the definition of a walking rainbow unicorn.) I just desperately wanted to coast through camp. I know I have a tendency to get so invested in people that I almost lose myself while trying to make their lives turn out perfectly. Anyway, back to my plans to just be the single, fag-acious, fabulous gay man in camp… As with all my other well-laid plans, the Orishas had a completely different plan.

We were having one of our usual band rehearsals one evening when one of our members, Harry, arrived. It was the first time he’d come late to our rehearsals. And for the few minutes he wasn’t around, there was something wrong with the drum sounds. Like, we weren’t in perfect sync. I’d been trying all through the rehearsal to find out what was wrong and finally settled on one of the snare drums. The guy playing it, Efe, looked distracted, like there was something missing.

As soon as Harry arrived, I noticed that Efe immediately perked up. Bros that had been hitting off-beat-something for us all evening suddenly got his groove back and began playing well. And both the frown on his face and the tension in his body disappeared. He was beaming and playing very well.

I was still trying to put two and two together when Harry, in his usual style, went around to greet all the members of the team with handshakes and hugs. He, however, saved Efe for last. At this point, my interest was piqued. (I forgot to tell you guys: I like gossip and drama!) When he was done greeting the band, he walked over to Efe and engulfed him in a massive hug from behind.

My jaw legit dropped! I was beyond shook at the level of intimacy in that seemingly innocent hug. The way Efe leaned into the hug, the smiles on both their faces and the way the rest of us ceased to exist for both of them in that moment, left me without any doubt that there was something serious going on between them. To me, the funniest part of everything was how NO SINGLE MEMBER OF THE BAND TEAM APART FROM ME noticed what had just happened. Not even Nenye, who was reputed as our band gossip. Was I on the verge of discovering a gay couple in my camp? I asked myself. In that moment, I decided to step away from the Mitch-Loner Zone and investigate what I was certain was a very serious relationship.

And investigate I did! Within a couple of days, I’d discovered that they went to the same school and apparently, were angling to get posted to the same place in the state. Everybody felt they were just really close friends who enjoyed each other’s company. And I was like: Has homophobia also gotten to the level of blinding you people to a very clear gay relationship or are you people just really enlightened? Because I was certain, beyond any iota of doubt, that Efe and Harry were involved. I just didn’t know how to prove it to myself.

Then, the Orishas gave me a chance to get the proof I needed. One night, after lights out, I was feeling too damn hot despite the fact that I’d taken my bath mere hours before. I’d begun to feel cranky and toss about on my bed, and I knew that if I didn’t do anything to reduce my body temperature, I wouldn’t get any sleep that night and I’d be worse off for it.

So, I got up from my bed and took the bucket of water I’d fetched for my morning bath and made my way to the bath house. (You know, the one I talked about in my last entry.)

Now, I have a tendency to be extremely quiet on my feet. I think it’s a remnant of my ballet days. So, even when I’m stomping, it’s rather uncannily quiet. I’ve gotten used to it, so… (shrug)

I walked toward the bathroom without realizing that I wasn’t making any sound. I didn’t think anyone would be in the bathroom, and since it was lights out, I didn’t bother taking my torch. I see pretty well in the dark, so, I was good to go. A few steps away from the entrance to the bath house, I heard what was unmistakably the sound of someone moaning. And not just any someone. A male someone.

Now, for those of us who know how mad the NYSC camp is, we know sex is a taboo in camp and can get one decamped if caught. Heck, in the few days we’d been in camp here, three people had gotten decamped, one for smoking and the other two, a guy and a married lady, for having sex. So, I was wondering who would be crazy enough to have sex in the bathroom even after the repeated warnings we’d received. Then, it occurred to me that it could just as well be someone wanking in the bathroom. Someone who clearly is a loud moaner, I thought to myself.

But, hey, never let it be said that tatafo passed Mitch by. I crept all the way into the bath house and the sight that rose before my eyes knocked the breath out of me.

It was Efe and Harry. Efe was squatting in front of Harry and was sucking his dick with such passion and gusto, even porn stars would be put to shame.

Inside me, I smiled.

Cue evil Mitch!

Standing in the doorway, my bucket of water in my hand, I cleared my throat. Very loudly. Immediately, they both sprang apart and tried to, I don’t know, put themselves in order? I almost burst out laughing at the fear that was emanating from both of them. And, I decided to be the mother that I am rather than the evil bitch that I’d originally prepared to be.

“You do realize that if I wasn’t gay like you, this would be the end of camp for you two, right?” I asked them. Without letting them answer, I continued, “You both had better be more careful. I know you were counting on hearing footsteps coming in this direction to alert you. Still, cats like me exist. The last thing I want is to lose any more corps members, especially not from the band, just because you kids can’t try to follow these camp instructions, idiotic though they may be.”

That said, I kicked them both out of the bathroom. Mother had to shower. Needless to say, I now have a harem of children. Five heterosexual troublemakers and two gay kids who wouldn’t stop hanging around me like I’ve got milk to feed them from my breasts.

Still, I kinda like it…


Written by Mitch

Next Daenerys vs. Cersei: who has the resources to win the final game of thrones?

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  1. Sim
    April 29, 06:59 Reply

    Brought smile to my face.. warmed up my heart. Thank God ur a good human and didn’t make life more miserable for those guys. ??

    • Kayode
      April 29, 10:48 Reply

      Hey I sent u an email but got no reply

      • Sim
        April 29, 12:28 Reply

        I’m sorry, I did not get it. Could you send it again.

  2. trystham
    April 29, 07:02 Reply

    PS You don’t have to be the supposed poster boy for all things queer before u r internally homophobic. Still, well done Mother Mitch

  3. Kvng
    April 29, 07:08 Reply

    U re one hellof a guy, mehn, I just wish my camp was half interesting as urs or i had a frnd like u in camp, that wud ave done the fun all the way. Na u ur mouth sharp, na u no how to sneak up on someone, na u still be mother teresa. I hail u oo

      • Pink Panther
        April 29, 07:31 Reply

        My own camp, I was just surrounded by uninteresting heterosexual people. Kept looking for gay action but Gay Jesus said no to that. 🙁

        • trystham
          April 29, 10:05 Reply

          Mine wasn’t so bad. I think I was just too flaming a queen to make any other ‘coded’ gay person want to be comfortable around me – I had publicly antagonized platoon leader and his crew of sycophants, was on kitchen duty, did cultural dance, headed my own march squad, was even nominated for that nonsense ‘dress-up’ award category (who else thinks it’s a travesty of effeminacy?). That said, I came across one of the most creative bakers and wonderful ethno-versatile cultural dancers, and he wasn’t even in my platoon.

        • bamidele
          April 29, 13:14 Reply

          PP why have have you refused to respond to my messages?

  4. Jay
    April 29, 07:28 Reply

    Mitch the God mother!

  5. Mark
    April 29, 07:28 Reply

    I like how you handled the situation. They are going to have a sense of belonging with you and wouldn’t fear being outed. Nice!

  6. Higwe
    April 29, 10:09 Reply

    Pink P …you should make a post for GOT…..last night’s episode should fucking be discussed ? aaahhhh

    I couldn’t even sleep…..aryaàaaaaaa !


    Great to see an episode where Mitch is actually charming….I was almost starting to think he’ll make a good poster child for “the angry black queer ” .

    Unlike the penultimate entry , this one didn’t make me laugh deliriously …but it certainly put a pleasant smile on my face ….

    I hope we get to see more of -this you .

    • Rai❤️
      April 29, 16:11 Reply

      This again higwe, I can’t with you on most days x

      • Higwe
        April 29, 19:16 Reply

        That means you CAN with me SOME days ????

        so enjoy the good days and ignore the bad ones .?

        Happy world dance day .?

  7. MGMHater
    April 29, 11:42 Reply

    Higwe, can you just shut it? You are such a bore.

  8. Higwe
    April 29, 12:04 Reply

    Someone sure woke up from the cranky side of his bed ….

    Judging by your pseudonym , I’m guessing it’s not an unusual occurrence.

    Sending love and light your way …hope you have a productive week .


  9. bamidele
    April 29, 13:16 Reply

    Abiyamo b’oja gboro gboro. What a heartwarming story!

  10. Jeancabrez
    April 30, 00:10 Reply

    Mitch, please you’re a character ??????. You for put me for trouble today ?, my straight friend snatched my phone and I wanted to read what was making me laugh so hard. I lay on the floor to beg him, not to read oo. Ike asiri adirom?

    • Mariposa
      April 30, 02:05 Reply

      Lol… You would have a Big Explaination to do…

  11. Eddie
    May 01, 00:45 Reply

    ? ?
    Three gay guys in one platoon though…
    What are the odds!

  12. Obiora
    May 01, 01:01 Reply

    Man, I love this your series… I wish I experienced this camp y’all talk about but all good. Brah, I would love to meet you someday, you’re an interesting person. And thank you for not being the bad bitch that you are?

  13. Kyle
    May 11, 16:43 Reply

    Bitttcchhh…. the last paragraph took me out????

  14. Temi
    May 13, 19:46 Reply

    Oh! Nice one
    I also have this retract spirit that just puts me in position of not causing problems for people. Even when I’m being ostracize OR castigated by anyone I still consider others by keeping their lives private.

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