Y’all know how I promised myself that I wasn’t going to make any friends in this camp. And you know how epically the Orishas set me up to fail at that. Well, a few days into camp, I swore to myself that I was going to go through camp without any emotional entanglements and without befriending any gay person. (Not because I’m internally homophobic. Hello? Have you met me? I’m like the definition of a walking rainbow unicorn.) I just desperately wanted to coast through camp. I know I have a tendency to get so invested in people that I almost lose myself while trying to make their lives turn out perfectly. Anyway, back to my plans to just be the single, fag-acious, fabulous gay man in camp… As with all my other well-laid plans, the Orishas had a completely different plan.
We were having one of our usual band rehearsals one evening when one of our members, Harry, arrived. It was the first time he’d come late to our rehearsals. And for the few minutes he wasn’t around, there was something wrong with the drum sounds. Like, we weren’t in perfect sync. I’d been trying all through the rehearsal to find out what was wrong and finally settled on one of the snare drums. The guy playing it, Efe, looked distracted, like there was something missing.
As soon as Harry arrived, I noticed that Efe immediately perked up. Bros that had been hitting off-beat-something for us all evening suddenly got his groove back and began playing well. And both the frown on his face and the tension in his body disappeared. He was beaming and playing very well.
I was still trying to put two and two together when Harry, in his usual style, went around to greet all the members of the team with handshakes and hugs. He, however, saved Efe for last. At this point, my interest was piqued. (I forgot to tell you guys: I like gossip and drama!) When he was done greeting the band, he walked over to Efe and engulfed him in a massive hug from behind.
My jaw legit dropped! I was beyond shook at the level of intimacy in that seemingly innocent hug. The way Efe leaned into the hug, the smiles on both their faces and the way the rest of us ceased to exist for both of them in that moment, left me without any doubt that there was something serious going on between them. To me, the funniest part of everything was how NO SINGLE MEMBER OF THE BAND TEAM APART FROM ME noticed what had just happened. Not even Nenye, who was reputed as our band gossip. Was I on the verge of discovering a gay couple in my camp? I asked myself. In that moment, I decided to step away from the Mitch-Loner Zone and investigate what I was certain was a very serious relationship.
And investigate I did! Within a couple of days, I’d discovered that they went to the same school and apparently, were angling to get posted to the same place in the state. Everybody felt they were just really close friends who enjoyed each other’s company. And I was like: Has homophobia also gotten to the level of blinding you people to a very clear gay relationship or are you people just really enlightened? Because I was certain, beyond any iota of doubt, that Efe and Harry were involved. I just didn’t know how to prove it to myself.
Then, the Orishas gave me a chance to get the proof I needed. One night, after lights out, I was feeling too damn hot despite the fact that I’d taken my bath mere hours before. I’d begun to feel cranky and toss about on my bed, and I knew that if I didn’t do anything to reduce my body temperature, I wouldn’t get any sleep that night and I’d be worse off for it.
So, I got up from my bed and took the bucket of water I’d fetched for my morning bath and made my way to the bath house. (You know, the one I talked about in my last entry.)
Now, I have a tendency to be extremely quiet on my feet. I think it’s a remnant of my ballet days. So, even when I’m stomping, it’s rather uncannily quiet. I’ve gotten used to it, so… (shrug)
I walked toward the bathroom without realizing that I wasn’t making any sound. I didn’t think anyone would be in the bathroom, and since it was lights out, I didn’t bother taking my torch. I see pretty well in the dark, so, I was good to go. A few steps away from the entrance to the bath house, I heard what was unmistakably the sound of someone moaning. And not just any someone. A male someone.
Now, for those of us who know how mad the NYSC camp is, we know sex is a taboo in camp and can get one decamped if caught. Heck, in the few days we’d been in camp here, three people had gotten decamped, one for smoking and the other two, a guy and a married lady, for having sex. So, I was wondering who would be crazy enough to have sex in the bathroom even after the repeated warnings we’d received. Then, it occurred to me that it could just as well be someone wanking in the bathroom. Someone who clearly is a loud moaner, I thought to myself.
But, hey, never let it be said that tatafo passed Mitch by. I crept all the way into the bath house and the sight that rose before my eyes knocked the breath out of me.
It was Efe and Harry. Efe was squatting in front of Harry and was sucking his dick with such passion and gusto, even porn stars would be put to shame.
Inside me, I smiled.
Cue evil Mitch!
Standing in the doorway, my bucket of water in my hand, I cleared my throat. Very loudly. Immediately, they both sprang apart and tried to, I don’t know, put themselves in order? I almost burst out laughing at the fear that was emanating from both of them. And, I decided to be the mother that I am rather than the evil bitch that I’d originally prepared to be.
“You do realize that if I wasn’t gay like you, this would be the end of camp for you two, right?” I asked them. Without letting them answer, I continued, “You both had better be more careful. I know you were counting on hearing footsteps coming in this direction to alert you. Still, cats like me exist. The last thing I want is to lose any more corps members, especially not from the band, just because you kids can’t try to follow these camp instructions, idiotic though they may be.”
That said, I kicked them both out of the bathroom. Mother had to shower. Needless to say, I now have a harem of children. Five heterosexual troublemakers and two gay kids who wouldn’t stop hanging around me like I’ve got milk to feed them from my breasts.
Still, I kinda like it…
Written by Mitch