A HOE ABROAD

A HOE ABROAD

So finally, I travelled to the abroad – A Whole ME!

I have always wanted to flee Nigeria in any way possible, even when it almost cost me my sanity. I mean, I had to bring home a “girlfriend” to my parents and provide them with evidence that I’d had sex with her. You see, I’d once been kitoed in a way that exposed my sexuality to my parents, and because of this, they had placed conditions to financing any further endeavours of mine. So, I’d worked out a plan with a female friend of mine and she came home with me where we put forth an act of a loving couple. The “evidence” was in the condoms I presented my parents, and my narration of how the sex was. They also asked the girl, and she corroborated my story, that indeed we’d hooked up.

Eventually, I managed to convince them that I had stopped being gay – a real joke, considering this particular gay man is going to be gay for a long, long time, even in Heaven.

And so, finally, my father agreed to drop the money and support needed to send the heir to his family name to Obodo Oyibo, to further my education.

The destination was Cyprus. As I embarked on my trip, the stress of the actual journey itself wore on my excitement. I just wanted to get to my destination and sleep. Those airplane seats wanted to wreck my neck. Jeez! During my transit in Cairo, I was in my hotel when I opened Grindr, wondering what it would be like to use the app away from Nigeria. And Boom! The torrents of messages came rushing in. As I be fresh neat for their neigbourhood, na dem wan kill me chop fast-fast. It didn’t help that my Grindr profile picture was a photo of my ass in underwear beneath my singlet-clad torso.

I scrolled through their profiles and I saw an eye-catching one. He was built just the way I like my men; for a Caucasian man, he was fit, buff, fine. For someone in Egypt (had no idea if he was Egyptian or not), his full face was on display on his profile picture.

I swiftly replied his message, and he offered to come pick me up from the hotel. Unfortunately for us, I was told that us passengers could not leave the hotel’s premises since we were in transit and this wasn’t our destination.

I was deflated.

But then, why couldn’t he come into the hotel and spend the night with me. At least, we’d have a whole room to ourselves. But he sadly said that he wouldn’t be allowed in either. I suppose the god of hookups was really against this one. E pain me no be small sha; I would have had my first oyibo dick right then.

Anyway, we move.

Finally I reached Cyprus, and I was conveyed to my cousin’s house first. He’d been here for a year, studying too. I moved to my own apartment the next day. I tried to settle as seamlessly as I could in this new country – but night no dey come for here sha; 2 AM and the streets were still as busy as ever.

I had honestly forgotten that my Grindr was simply minimized and that I hadn’t closed it after I last used it in Egypt. So, I guess my profile must have refreshed my location to show everyone that there was a new hoe in town – because I quickly began getting tons of messages.

When I opened it that first night, as I did before, I began scrolling through the profiles. Na for here I know say Grindr different from Grindr. Over here, the app actually brings forth people around you and indicates their actual distance so you know just how far or how close to you they are – which is better abeg, so that nobody wastes anyone’s time. Not in Nigeria, where you’ll be in Lagos and the Grindr over there will be bringing to you people who are in Ogun State or Ibadan. Sometimes, even Ghana.

So, this guy who seemed to be a black guy started chatting, and before long, I’d gotten to find out that he was Nigerian and Igbo. See me thinking I was coming to settle for these oyibo dicks that would probably not even hit my G-spot, and I’m getting a taste of home in the abroad. Bless you, Rainbow Jesus.

Uncle and I exchanged pleasantries, and he asked me to send my location. Before long, he’d messaged me, telling me he was at my door. Hian! Is that how they do this thing here? O ga o!

I went out to meet him, but he declined coming in, saying he just wanted to confirm that I was really the one he was chatting with and that he would be back later in the night. See me thinking “later in the night” meant 9 PM, pata-pata 10 PM at the most. Uncle buzzed me at 1 AM, saying he was on his way. Abeg, if you like, come by 2 or 3 AM, I go still open door, because there was no way I was missing this dick. Let me even use it to do “Welcome to abroad.”

The moment he got into the room, he simply whipped out his dick and asked me to suck. Just like that! Not even small talk, no romance, nothing. You could tell he hadn’t gotten off in a while, because dude was struggling to hold back his cum as I sucked him.

From where do they even get these men that just want to put their dick in your hole without touching you or even any foreplay? As we started, I began wondering if this hookup could get any worse. To his credit, he had good strokes and his dick was big. Jesus, see me collecting this uncle’s dick like nothing was going inside me, thanks to proper preparation though. However, the sex was 4 out of 10, and he fucked in such a way that had me wondering if he was even gay – or perhaps bisexual or curious, or even a straight guy who just wanted to put his dick inside any hole.

First sex abroad and I was very disappointed. Ei God!

Anyway, I wasn’t about to use this one to rule out all other hookups I intended to have. As the uncle left, I was in my mind, like: Well, let’s see what happens.

But first, I had to change everything about my Grindr profile. We are now in the abroad, so there should be a little bit of class there.

Y’all should wait till I come back with gist about my next sexperience. Oyibo man sef like better thing!

Written by Lanrey

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  1. Mandy
    March 20, 05:41 Reply

    Your parents are proof that homophobic ignorance can sometimes work in our favour. Imagine knowing so little about sexuality that condoms and a (fabricated) story was enough to convince your parents that you’re no longer gay. As if it was that easy. lol. The shock they’re sha in for in the future, seeing as you’re not even ready to let Jesus in Heaven deter you from staying gay. 😀

  2. Delle
    March 20, 08:12 Reply

    Your parents were comfortable with you presenting used condoms to them to prove your newly found heterosexuality!???

    *shudders*

      • Lanre
        March 20, 12:34 Reply

        Would you like to be more specific please

        • trystham
          March 21, 03:37 Reply

          It doesn’t irritate you?? Having to present used condoms or left over condoms to your parents as proof that u r sexually active?
          The image playing in my head is downright disgusting.
          “Daddy, look at the condoms u bought for me. I used two last night” while u skip joyfully around him…smh

          Please, exercise caution with you new found freedom. Protection ALWAYS

    • Bennet
      March 20, 11:58 Reply

      Just as shook as you are, yo. Just as shook as you are.

    • Lanre
      March 20, 12:32 Reply

      Actually not used condoms but remnants of the unused one.

      • Delle
        March 20, 23:19 Reply

        I understand they’re your parents but you shouldn’t try to defend them right now. Just don’t.

  3. Higwe
    March 20, 08:17 Reply

    Premarital sex is a taboo to Nigerian parents unless you’re a gay son they are trying to straighten. ??

    Anyway keep us updated….would like to know how you’re morphing into your new life.

    ********************

    Speaking about obodo oyibo …. Sim, what in the name of Corona was that workout? ????

    I was trying to show this big head something and your vid popped up ? and he was like ” now I see why your data no dey last ” ???

    But na Marvin dey finish my data sha.
    If you’re not on his greenlist , you’re wrong .
    What better way to spend your time and money in this time of Corona ?.

  4. Jay
    March 20, 12:01 Reply

    Guess I’ve been using Grindr wrongly all these years, imagine I haven’t meet a single gay in the city of Ilorin and rainbow Jesus don dey shower you blessings “in the abroad” ?
    Sighs… rainbow Jesus, have mercy on your rainbow son?

    • Gblex
      March 29, 19:58 Reply

      Haba,ẹ no too difficult na

  5. Persimmon
    March 20, 20:59 Reply

    Yup. It shows your distance, but I personally prefer to turn it off so my profiledoes carry the distance apart. As sometimes when I’m at some places I don’t want people predicting location or who I am…or when I’m getting some action if other users on the app see you are at the same distance (ft or miles) with another person, them go assume say una dey gbensh. I have used it several times to guess who’s fucking who in my city and it isn’t really rocket science…

  6. keppsi
    April 19, 21:42 Reply

    Wow! Your story is really touching interesting and very funny ?
    Pls don’t forget to update us ooh ?
    Much love Lanre ?

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