THE QUESTION: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL
FOREWORD: This is introducing a new miniseries by Sensei, with the titular name ‘The Question.’ It will run on Wednesdays, alternating with Dennis’ Rants. I’m actually excited to have him finally committed literally to KD; it’s been awhile I’ve been trying to get him to write. And this columnar debut mingles sarcasm, humour and gravity in the way I’ve come to realize is unique with the writer.
Read, enjoy and sound off in the comments section.
*
So I decided I was going to stir the hornet’s nest by exhuming this topic which is like the corpse of an innocent but stubborn man who was murdered and hastily buried, and keeps turning in its shallow grave. Every night, it visits me in my dreams and cries, “Handle my case! Do it now!” So here I am, grabbing its handle and stirring. Speaking about handles, I expect KDians to fly off the handle, decapitate me and smear the streets with my bluish-green blood. Since we have agreed the people cannot differ from us in their world views and lives, therefore I take my stand with my head bowed in resignation, but with a steadfast heart.
Before we take this eager bath in our collective “bloods” (as my favourite First Lady puts it), I wish to make a statement. As an alien who has lived among your kind on this blue planet for a few years too many, I find that on many occasions, when I try to engage a person in an intellectual discourse, I realize I end up arguing with not just the person but also his/her personality, his/her personal experience and the mind-set of their entire village. Take for example, a 30 year old guy dates a university student and it didn’t really work out for him. Unfortunately he comes out of the experience with a conclusion that begins thus, “All students are…”. Argue with him from dawn to dusk, he won’t budge. In my opinion, this is simply because the rational mind, ‘Man the THINKER’, has gone to sleep. The whole argument is coloured by personal experience and his idea is fixed. I mean, you can’t change his history. Or can you? So I find that not too many are really capable of objective rationality, that’s assuming whether I or anyone for that matter is capable of it. Lol!
To tell or not to tell? That’s the question. If a person is getting married, should they tell their potential spouse about their sexual orientation? Now you see why I said I came here to look for trouble. So what do you think is ideal? Let’s explore reasons for and against full disclosure of this kind.
It’s Unfair To The Spouse
This makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? As a friend of mine put it, sexual orientation is such an important thing, especially in the setting of a relationship as important as marriage. It would be the worst sort of betrayal to conceal such a vital bit of information. I mean, for Pete’s sake, the woman could be your sister! And it’s definitely dishonest and immoral to conceal such important information from the spouse. The worst part of the matter (can all the bisexuals take a back seat?) is that the dude may not even love the girl! He would then take her to the altar, tell a lie and then make her live a lie for the rest of her life. If this isn’t the height of wickedness, what is?
On the flip side, we need to ask ourselves a question. Why is the sexual orientation a potential spouse this important? Why must you know? In my opinion, the sexual orientation of a person generally assumes such importance for one reason and one reason only – HOMOPHOBIA. You need to have this information so you can activate your discriminating tendencies. Let us imagine a world where there is absolutely no homophobia. Would it be betrayal to NOT TELL your spouse about your sexual orientation? No, because it would not matter. The only betrayal would be to declare your love for him or her when you didn’t really mean it. Even this point is not without its loopholes. But that is not the subject of this discourse.
If we did an opinion poll, I’m sure the majority of Nigerians would say that it would be unfair of the gay man to marry a presumably straight woman and conceal his sexuality from her, an opinion that I believe is rooted in homophobia. On the bright side, at least this is one matter on which the Nigerian LGBT community seems to agree with the homophobic lot. In fact, some LGBT persons seem even more impassioned about the matter than their “homophobic counterparts”.
In A Marriage, There Should Be Full Disclosure
I am a perfectionist in nature, so I fully grasp this point. Most teenagers, when they dream about love, have an idyllic, idealistic picture of what a relationship is. Oh love, what a blessed thing! To find that perfect someone who would love you just as you are, warts and all. So they walk dreamy-eyed into the expressway of life and get knocked down. Just another case of “hit and run”.
Life is a school of hard knocks, people! Sometimes it takes a punch to wake you up and force you to face reality. True love is an incredibly rare thing. People will not accept you as you are! No way! The spouse criteria scroll, if dropped, would roll all the way down to China. So, people got smart and started concealing their flaws in order to hook a mate. Enter pretence, photoshop and Mary Kay to the rescue. Ever read the 48 laws of power? Humans are moved and entranced by appearances. Want a mate? Conform to the societal idea of what a standard mate should be and your chances of getting one jumps exponentially. For the ladies, roll your eyes right, the skirt should be long enough or short enough (really depends), act all submissive and cook real good, and you are going to be fine. Can you sing? By all means, join the choir. You got a toad voice, abeg locate the usher’s department and before you know it, “Yay!”, prince charming shows up.
This is all good. But my dear, before the wedding, there MUST be full disclosure about your sex life. Tell him you had to sleep with an Alhaji every now and then to pay your way through school. It’s no big deal, duh! All the girls were doing it. And you had three abortions in school. Tell him about that too. Because there must be full disclosure in a marriage. And make sure you tell him all this before the wedding oh! You will? Good girl.
Well, I got news for you. Fiancé just became ex-fiancé. Oh don’t worry, it just means he really didn’t love you. Good riddance to bad rubbish! God will give you someone better. Sister, well done, you hear?
What I am trying to say, my people is, “Wake up! Full disclosure rarely ever happens in marriages! Maybe in your utopia, it does happen. But in the real world, it’s very rare. And guess what? Putting up the best part of you in order to secure a mate has its basis in the theory of evolution. Look at the animal kingdom. They do it all the time, and it’s called MATING BEHAVIOR. The aim of this behaviour is to impress and secure a mate. People take their deepest darkest secrets to the grave with them on a daily basis. Every other thing about the human being in this world is imperfect. How can you expect just this one thing to be perfect in an imperfect world? UNREALISTIC!
Am I trying to justify it? Most certainly not. I want to live in a world where nobody ever has to tell a lie under any circumstance. Honestly, it is what I want. Yet most of my readers have probably told a lie today. There you go! Judge NUT! Dump the selective application of moral principles. Hypocrisy doesn’t look good on you.
It Is Most Unfair To The Gay Man
So we have this gay dude who does not want to get married. But as his not-so-good fortune would have it, he is an only child. His parents who love and adore him so much have given up on trying to make another child after they spent an eternity trying. Now they eagerly await his marriage, so that at least through him they can have more children. He tells them that he does not want to get married and overnight, his happy world is eclipsed by an apocalypse. He gets depressed and suicidal. If he doesn’t marry, he will lose his family and will be miserable. If he marries, he will also be miserable. He is now between the devil and the deep blue sea. Whatever choice he makes, men will die.
There is a principle that governs the entire universe, including man: Events take the path of least resistance. What is this path of least resistance in this particular situation? Only the person wearing this shoe, only the person in this very unique circumstance can make that decision. So let’s assume that for him the path of least resistance is to get married, and so he decides to get married. Take note that this choice may be the path of least resistance for him, but it doesn’t mean it won’t cause him incredible sorrow. Think whatever you want of him, but the reality is that he is being human and he is as flawed as you are, dear reader. And in case you don’t know, it takes incredible courage for him to even go through with this charade.
And then a person who has no inkling of what he is going through or what he has braced himself to go through suddenly appears at the side-lines screaming: TELL HER YOU ARE GAY! Like seriously? I mean, isn’t life hard enough? Isn’t he already passing through enough pain? So he should tell her and suffer yet another scourge from the lash of homophobia through her? What if she runs crying to his parents? What if he is not ready at that point to come out? How will all this affect him? You really don’t care, do you? All you want from the moral high horse upon which you sit is FULL DISCLOSURE! To demand for anything else from the person in this already chaotic situation, anything that would cause him even an ounce of extra pain is inconsiderate and inhuman. If there must be anything like full disclosure, then common sense should tell us that this decision rests solely on the person involved. This is the very least we can do to respect the person and show empathy for their precarious situation. To hurriedly make demands from this person simply shows an absence of empathy and/or any real understanding of the pain being experienced. If you think that the best thing to do is to call him names and humiliate him even further, you have simply joined the world, the homophobic world for that matter, to make his life on earth a VERY DIFFICULT ONE. This is how the LGBT community itself makes things hard for its own. You think you have the courage to demand things from anyone? TURN TO THE HOMOPHOBIC SOCIETY and MAKE YOUR DEMANDS.
There is yet another issue that is flipping in its shallow grave. To marry or not to marry? That is the question. Shall we explore that in the next entry?
Written by Sensei
About author
You might also like
BEFORE I DIE: 6 (Be Good To Yourself)
My douche never leaves my bathroom. I have two of them. The stationary one in my bathroom, and the mobile one in my bag. All those times Batman Mum searched
AS I LIVE (Family Isn’t Everything)
Remember Bobby from the Before I Die series? Well, he’s back with a season 2 of his earlier telling of his journey through life as a HIV positive young man
KIZITO SPEAKS IV
It was the usual boring day, a bright day though. The sun was high up in the sky; I was going to wash my clothes. He had been spying on
71 Comments
simba
August 26, 04:58Nice write-up, I applaud ur dedication..my take is , coming out is a personal thing, there is no universal formula tht May make the outcome more pleasant. One has to live with tht,cus it was a conscious decision to come out. Sorry to those outted without their consent. There is no advice, if a gay man wants to marry ,he should but must live with the agony of marriage which is worse for a gay man in a heterosexual union. As per the unlucky woman, no way can she claim she dint see the signs or gay tenderness.
#Chestnut
August 26, 06:14Um…what’s “gay tenderness”?
#Chestnut
August 26, 06:12Spot on, Sensei! It’s almost a no-brainer; how can u tell a gay man who has to/wants to get married, to tell his fiancee he’s gay? How many Nigerian(or even “other”) girls will agree to spend d rest of their lives with him? I think all those who come on here to say “tell her u’re gay” aren’t being realistic and maybe,are even subconciously trying to sabotage the possibilty of the marriage. As Frances said, youth(and siblings) cushion a lot of ppl,but sadly,not everyone has the same luxury. If u don’t want to/have to marry a woman,fine, but don’t keep insulting those who aren’t in d same shoes as u.everyone has their own truth and reality, especially in the country we find ourselves in. Youth will NOT cushion u forever!
Mandy
August 26, 06:19‘to sabotage the possibility of marriage’. Lol. Quite spot on. Becos of course the anti-MGM gay men are the forever single ones. You know, the bunch who somehow feel betrayed by the fact that there are gay men who seek the validation of society with marriage.
Dubem
August 26, 06:27This sensei is incredibly brilliant. These point are so well-marshaled out that if you are still anti-MGM, then you’ve got to have a huge problem with prejudice. *trying not to look at Trysthan and Max* lol
Dennis Macaulay
August 26, 07:04*stands up and claps loudly*
(side eyes Max)
*Continues clapping*
This ladies and gentlemen is how you hit a home run!
Silver Cat
August 26, 07:05“Take note that this choice may be
the path of least resistance for him, but it doesn’t
mean it won’t cause him incredible sorrow. Think
whatever you want of him, but the reality is that
he is being human and he is as flawed as you are,
dear reader. And in case you don’t know, it takes
incredible courage for him to even go through
with this charade”. Now this part really opened my eyes. I used to be so set in my ways against Gay men and marriage but after reading this, I’m gonna be more understanding. A friend of mine is about to do it and I pseudo-abandoned him because to me he was being too chicken-hearted, its time to call him up.
Sensei, thanks for this.
As for the question, All Life is a game of choice. Some choices U have to make, others are already made for U by circumstances. Much as full disclosure sounds all so romantic and what-not, it is incredibly selfish. Let us be honest, we disclose our secrets/misdeeds to our mates to stop feeling guilty not out of love. A couple of times, I’ve been tempted to just tell some friends how I really felt but I realised I wanted to do that to feel less burdened. What stopped me was knowing that they’ll be forever dealing with such knowledge.
In summary, if U love someone (or have to pretend to love someone for the sake of those U love) U will not burden them with the weight of Ur emotional baggage.
Dennis Macaulay
August 26, 07:14And in typical Sensei fashion, it is neither here nor there! Exhaust all arguments without picking a side!
Lol!
Biko when are we getting married?
Pink Panther
August 26, 07:15*staring daggers* Step away from the sensei, Dennis.
Mandy
August 26, 07:17Lol. He argues much like Absalom. Intelligently. Diplomatically. And without placing a foothold in any side of the fence. How do they do that? lol
Max
August 26, 19:29Their type #Sensei#Absalom are the ones who waltz through life without making a meaningful contribution to it, because they’re too busy being diplomatic. I don’t wanna call them cowards because they appear to be slightly above that.
They both belong to abnegation in #DivergentWorld..
Peak
August 26, 07:17**goes back inside to change into my burberry rain coat and matching boots** that weather anchor doesn’t know what he is saying,, sunny skies my foot. If u have lived in KD long enough, you would know when a storm is on the horizon.
Pink Panther
August 26, 07:18Hahahahahahahahahahaa!!! Peak, you’re just a rubbish somebody.
#Chestnut
August 26, 07:25Who is “AdminKD” biko? #AskingForMySanity
Pink Panther
August 26, 07:27It’s me o. Apparently, commenting from the site now dubs me as ‘AdminKD’, but from my phone, it remains Pink Panther. *shaking my head at the wonders of this digital world*
Nightwing
August 26, 07:38Awesome!! though to be honest, all things being equal, I don’t think any gay person would want to get married (not saying they wouldn’t want kids) to a straight person. But like you said in the case if an only child in a country with anti-gay laws his/her life just got harder like 100 times more, I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes (probably cuz I’d get new ones) lol, but I don’t think he should disclose his sexuality it’s bad enough he is getting married for the wrong reasons and to the wrong person, besides I know this personally, most girls I’ve thrown the “would you ever marry a gay guy? ” question to always reply “what rubbish is that?” typical Nigerians replying my question with their own. When it’s all said and done, life is just one big charade, some are just better at playing it than others. It all boils down to what you can handle. Don’t tell the “T” if you can’t handle what comes after. #InMyOpinion.
Kester
August 26, 07:40Na wa oooooo I no fit shout. Sensei this is brilliant. @simba conditions have created superb actors that can mask the so called gay tendencies you are talking about. I personally know a guy who is married with three kids, as straight as a nepa pole both physically and in attitude, with a straight crew following him about and he is a bottom, wouldn’t know what to do with an anus if it attacked him. His wife is happy in her shop and from time to time snidely boasts about how great her man is in bed. My point is there is a new generation of guys adapting so well to societal pressure you won’t believe how much. Some people are getting on with their lives no matter what names you call them.
Mitch
August 26, 07:49Here’s the thing Sensei, would you be happy to find out after years of living with your family, that you were adopted? Between us both, we know you’ll become an emotional wreck. Why? Because your entire world has been built on a lie. Now substitute this scenario for that of a woman who discovers her husband is gay. Do you think she’ll leap for joy? Hell no! She’ll be more devastated than a bride jilted at her wedding altar. This entire question boils down to one thing – the inherent selfishness of man. I mean why must my happiness and comfort be put over another person’s. Aren’t others worthy of consideration too? At the end of the day, you’ll discover that both the man and woman leave will the marriage worse and more confused, disillusioned and devasted than they came into it.
The question of telling has little to do with homophobia. Its got a lot more to do with HONESTY, something most Nigerians know little about. For instance, how would you like coming to your marriage with your gay baggage and she with a prostitution/numerous abortion issue and you both form Pius Imintu for each other? By the day the can of worms is opened, trust me, the stench would likely choke the devil to death.
Ultimately, do good, be kind and be honest. That way, you’ll be the best you can ever be, even if you’re not appreciated for it.
Mandy
August 26, 08:20‘…why must my happiness and comfort be put over someone else’s…’
Mitch, if a gay husband happens to be a very doting husband, attentive to his wife, loving, providing for her, makes her happy… in fact, the only remiss in their marriage is that he hasn’t old her he’s gay, is her happiness and comfort being overshadowed by the man’s? That line of your comment is a tad self righteous.
If a gay husband is making his wife happy, (note that he himself might not necessarily be happy to have to go thru the charade), then whose happiness and comfort is being overshadowed?
Mitch
August 26, 11:19Mandy, the point is CHOICE! If the man chooses to overlook his own happiness, comfort and satisfaction in order to have a heterosexual marriage, then by all means let him. My problem is how, when, where and who made him the judge of what another person wants. Lay the cards out on the table and let the other party make their own choice. Do not make it for them. That, my dear, is my issue.
pete
August 26, 09:20Mitch, I have a friend who was adopted. They hid it from him until the biological mother made contact telling him how conditions made her abandon him. Know what my friend told her, ‘giving birth to me doesn’t make you my mum, nurturing & being there for me while I was growing up does’. He’s still with his adopted parents & love them deeply.
#Chestnut
August 26, 09:40So in essence, Mitch, u’re saying, “ignore the consequences of ur own reality/peculiar situation and never get married”? Cos if u’re asking guys to be honest and tell every fiancee they ever have(because it’ll be hard to find one that eventually turns into a wife) about their sexuality, chances are,that wedding will never happen.
Absalom
August 26, 09:59Well, Chestie, that’s one road to take.
From the tone of your comments, it’s obvious you KNOW that many gay men would rather not be in a heterosexual marriage. So, at the risk of sounding Max-ian here, why do it?
If you admit that your being with a woman is not going to be because you’re particularly head-over-heels about her then perhaps you may want to look in the direction of lesbians for a wife? A woman is a woman na, right? Makes no difference to us gay men, abi? At least you two will have something in common – and a shared goal too.
Please, note that I’m not speaking for every man here. I’m addressing you directly, based on something you said. (Hi…) 🙂
Peak
August 26, 08:25I was adopted? And I found out about it? I would feel my whole life has been a lie? How?
I dont know cos I have never really been in that situation before, But from what I have seen, read and heard about, the initial reaction is just Shock! Then questions follows. questions about ur origin and what situation led to you calling ppl who are not ur “biological donors” parents. A mental assessment of if they loved u without limits should come to play, not if u have been living a lie. Besides they are both different, one has ur WHOLE LIFE stamp on it, the other has THE REST OF UR LIFE stamp on it. One comes with an eject feature called divorce or separation, while the other doesn’t.
Dear mitch, I need u to go back to the drawing board and come up with a more comparable scenerio/situation, cos this one won’t hold.
Ace
August 26, 08:39Good entry Sensei. The part of the devil and deep blue sea of an only child is me. I really don’t want to think about it now. If pressure gets too much, I’ll buy a container of Truvada, fuck with boys like crazy and marry a Latino girl who needs immigration papers, have biracial babies, divorce her and go back to fucking with boys. ?
Panther
August 26, 08:40Lol. Sounds like a plan.
Ace
August 26, 08:47Yup.
ambivalentone
August 26, 08:49All I see is the ‘path of least resistance’ and ‘societal acceptance of cheating insofar there is a ring involved somewhere’ taking a stroll hand in hand in this…article. But here is my own 2 cents. an MGM is like that sister you have mentioned severally. She who has had a million abortions, or fucked the whole Lagos before marriage. Do I REALLY expect full disclosure b4 and during marriage? Of course not. But I bet its all good to keep on right ahead to fuck the rest of Nigeria and kuku remove the womb after marriage abi? Good of u. Lemme see your thoughts on the supposed and perceived concepts on fidelity and THAT may determine things. Av a good one
OAN Telling your spouse about your orientation in a homophobia free environment would be moot because in the 1st place, she wouldn’t be your spouse. She wud at best be your baby mama
Pink Panther
August 26, 08:53Trys, the post wasn’t about what a gay man chooses to do about his vows to his wife. It made no mention of cheating or infidelities. Stop getting your onions mixed up.
ambivalentone
August 26, 09:21Which is why I said until THAT issue of fidelity comes up, I do not have any issues with what choices a gay man makes. I don’t recall being an anti-marriage fan here. I am anti-CHEATING. Big difference. Dubem, take note.
ambivalentone
August 26, 09:35…but of course, our MGMs, and MBMs are more often than not cheats so technically, I AM against that particular path of least resistance and there would be no reason for disclosures and I wouldn’t even have a high horse at all if they didn’t get married in the 1st place and there wouldn’t be cheating which IS unfair to the spouse. I wonder where this leaves me sef *scrunched up face of deep thought*
sensei
August 26, 12:24Well there was a story on this blog about a woman who identified as lesbian fell in love and married a straight man. And that happened in more civilised climes and she was out to him. So you see, it is not impossible for a gay man to want to marry a woman in a world free of homophobia. It is NOT IMPOSSIBLE. And then we have the bisexuals who are very much a part of the LGBT community. So in that homophobia-free world, a woman can very much be his baby mama.
This is a result of (as usual) assuming that sexual orientation is black and white. This is not the case in NATURE
ambivalentone
August 26, 21:08I tot we established lesbianism is kinkier to straight ppl than gay relations?
JOJOARMANI
August 26, 09:12No doubt! Sensei keeps jumping around.l, avoiding You did a great job at least now your off the huge storm that we would v faced in here.. something might still stir-up sha…
*stands up,adjust my push-up bra, shoves my weavon*
“In case you need some popcorn to stay focused,beep your home girl”
pete
August 26, 09:21Now I know what DM means by saying an article gave him a ‘braingsm’
Absalom
August 26, 09:31You carried this matter here again, Sensei.
You’re abusing the empathy of some gay men – we’re quite the minority here – on this issue.
I was with my family last week; we were discussing some grave topics and it dawned on me – not for the first time – that coming out to them will be the most difficult event of my life. MY PARENTS WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. Not in a million years. And I don’t blame them. I get the fear, the estrangement, embarrassment and tears that might follow that.
It is going to be hard for a gay/bi person in Nigeria to be honest with their potential spouses about their sexual orientation, and some of us understand that dilemma. We empathize with the situation. But asking that such a situation be endorsed or dismissed as trivial is crossing a line. And the consequences affect just about us all.
Like I told you privately when we discussed this: you can’t claim that something about you is so unimportant that decades into your marriage it hasn’t come up, not even in casual conversation. That means someone is actively sitting on that information.
This is not a judgement call on anyone – let’s stop trying to pretend that it is. This whole issue is about two things: homophobia and the closet. Which is why I’m eternally baffled that some of us think this thing is about tearing down some people we have branded “MGMs”. If you gave me a gun now to shoot someone, I’d shoot the homophobe, because he’s the reason we can’t stop obsessing over this topic. The “MGM” is not our problem, the homophobe is.
*
Appealing to hypocrisy is not a good argument. Just because other people are not open about stuff in their marriages doesn’t make it ideal. We should strive for better, not worse.
Again, I remember telling you that this is how the cycle of homophobia remains unbroken: If I am married to an ostensibly straight woman, when another gay man comes to marry my sister, I lose every moral right to question that marriage. I also remember telling you that marriage is for two people (at least): one person cannot take weighty decisions for everyone. Fine, you’re gay, you want to marry an ostensibly straight woman/man…can you at least give your partner a chance to be part of that decision?
In the long term, a heterosexual marriage may not save us all, because we can’t see the future. Some of us here will have an LGBT child. Now how will you handle your kid’s homosexuality when you haven’t handled yours? Two points you fail to address:
1. What about the spouse who has no idea what’s going on? Don’t their feelings matter?
2. What’s the guarantee that this hetero marriage won’t one day pack up (like many before it) because one person eventually finds out the truth?
Teflondon
August 26, 11:17This was weak! i was really looking forward to your opinions on this sensei’s piece. you made points.. yes! but weak ones.
#Disappointed
Mitch
August 26, 11:36Absalom, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. You just hit the crux of the matter. Why the fuck am I entitled to making my choice as well as hers? Doesn’t she get a say in it? THIS isn’t HOMOPHOBIA.
Absalom, collect 3 kisses from me anywhere you want them.
sensei
August 26, 11:52“But asking that such a situation be endorsed or dismissed as trivial is crossing the line”.
Why hello, Absalom. People do not need your endorsement to live their lives. This is exactly what we criticize the homohphobes for. We tell that that we dont need their endorsement to be gay. This is not about endorsing or not endorsing. Of course, speaking out about your sexuality in every situation does have its advantages. But if we will be realistic and balanced, we must consider the advantages AND the disadvantages. Fear will happen whether you endorse it or not. But what is the proper response to a person who is afraid? should we insult and criticize him? how will that help him? The first thing to do is EMPATHIZE and be KIND, and then make your SUGGESTION which will not and must be an imperative. You have no such right.
And two issues you raised, i will address.
Does her feeling matter? That is precisely why this is a difficult situation for everyone involved. That is also precisely why i said its like being between the devil and the deep blue sea. Of course you can suggest to him your opinion, but you have absolutely no right to insult him or demand anything from him. It is his life and he is entitled.
And what is the guarantee that the marriage wont pack up? Answer is none. None whatsoever, just like no other marriage has any such guarantee.
Absalom
August 26, 12:22I didn’t mean to arrogate power to myself or anyone else to decide other people’s lives for them. I have no such right.
Secondly: I have never insulted/criticized any gay man for his decisions – not on this blog, and not in private. I’ve always preferred to take my fight where it matters, and that is conquering homophobia. The less people we have hating gay persons the less gay people we have feeling pressured to duck into heterosexual marriages.
Thirdly: Just because a way of thinking is tough and requires loads of courage does not make it “unrealistic”. What is even realistic about generations and generations of gay people having to live our lives in a way unsuited to our needs? That this topic keeps cropping up here every other month shows how bothersome it is to most of us. Why then are we displaying all this bravado?
As the Naija saying goes: It’s someone that started something, it’s someone that will end it… One day we were killing twins, one day we stopped. Nuff said.
Max
August 26, 19:55@Absalom, you absolutely nailed it.. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to say, but I often come off as a control freak. Your third paragraph is everything. Oh lawd I could kiss u right now. In fact, everything you wrote is entirely true. We need to break that jinx.. That circle of being a gay man and marrying a straight woman. And I’ve given a thought severally to having an LGBT child, I’d be ashamed of myself to even tell him to live his dream(if I got married to a woman to have him) something I couldn’t do for myself. **Claps from Festac to Mafolokun**.
Standing ovation..
Diablo
August 26, 09:50Wait so i don’t get, you asked the supposedly hornet net’s staring question ( which in reality wasn’t), and you went on to answer it by your self? Giving the usual expected and generic, pat in the back answers ofcourse.
All we are left to do then is to concur with you and applaud you isn’t it? I don’t see how asking questions where the vast majority of people know the answers of, is anything earth shattering or necromancy inclined as your prelude dramatically suggests.
If you are going to keep asking mundane questions in the subsequent journals, let your readers truly sound off in the comment section without you writing a whole thesis on the answer to the question
Mandy
August 26, 10:01And then you went on to berate the writer in all of what you said without venturing an answer to the question he purpotedly asked and answered.
Diablo
August 26, 10:19Nope, he’s answered it already so why bother
Sinnex
August 26, 10:48Whether you like am, whether you no like am. the thing be say I go still marry woman.
This topic is really stale.
Everyone has decided what they want for their life. This is not going to change anything.
Infact, I don’t expect anyone to understand. Just because one cannot love a woman or stand the sight of a pussy, doesn’t mean others can’t….
Max
August 26, 20:05Sinnex the virgin is dead, he was molested and almost raped by a rough neck in this own house..
Now Sinnex the bisexual has arrived, let’s all rise on our feet everyone.
Pink Panther
August 27, 05:14Hahahahahahaa!!! Max!
chuck
August 26, 10:57I have some issues with the structure of your argument. You do realize you pointed out that you shouldn’t judge all students on the basis of only one student, only to claim later that no one in the world has a marriage with full disclosure. Where was the survey? It’s important, since you’re using that as your premise for how the world works. The same with your references to the 48 Laws of Power. Those are carefully manipulated anecdotes. They are in no way “laws” or theories of human behavior.
sensei
August 26, 11:28Thank you for your intelligent points. I said full disclosure “rarely ever happens”. Not that it NEVER happens.
And i referred to a book on the laws of power to make a point. I never said this law applies in EVERY circumstance. i did not say event ALWAYS take the path of least resistance. The mostly do but not ALWAYS.
chuck
August 26, 11:49Even mostly is a stretch. What’s your evidence that it mostly happens?
sensei
August 26, 11:55i speak from my experience. Cant i do that? And how many homosexual men of the last generation are still unmarried? There you go.
Chuck
August 26, 15:44Actually, you can’t. The plural of anecdotes is not data. You must present numbers and factual evidence, not “in my experience it happens’. After all Donald Trump argues that most illegal immigrants come over the Mexico border when in fact 40% come in by plane on legal visits then overstay.
You have to use data to convince people. Relevant data too, so your argument is strong.
chuck
August 26, 11:11I have more to say. Each of your points rests on a common fallacy called an appeal to omniscience. all people take the path of least resistance. All those who ask for sexual orientation are asking because they are homophobic.
This second example is a sign of a second fallacy called an excluded middle or false dichotomy. You describe someone lying about their sexual orientation and present it as not telling their spouse. Does that person say “I won’t tell you if I’m straight or not” or does he lie and say *I’m straight” in the scenario you describe?
sensei
August 26, 11:34@chuck: concerning your second point, again, I never said ALL events take the path of least resistance. That is obviously incorrect.
i said the only reason why sexual orientation would assume such importance is because of HOMOPHOBIA. That i will reiterate. If homophobia did not exist, a person’s sexual orientation would not matter this much.
Of course he tells a lie. There is no question about that. The issue is not whether he is lying or not. the question is, SHOULD HE?
chuck
August 26, 11:48I believe lying is wrong. I believe disrespect for another person us wrong.
Homophobia is NOT the only reason sexual orientation carries importance. Compatibility is the primary reason.
sensei
August 26, 12:11Good point. I agree with you totally. However, im talking about betrayal. if he doesnt tell the spouse about his orientation, the the REAL betrayal should be, “If you arent sexually attracted to me, why marry me?”. So the issue should not be that “you are by nature attracted to men and thats a problem” But that “you are NOT attracted to ME and you LIED”. There is a subtle difference. The fact that hubby is attracted to men is very okay. But the issue is this: is he attracted to me? That is the real issue. Not who he CAN be attracted to but IF he is attracted to ME. Many gay men are still able to get it up for a woman, meaning there CAN BE that true sexual attraction. Therefore whether we like it or not, it is still very possible that for reasons best known to him, he wants to do this marriage thing. Is he not entitled? WHY ON EARTH SHOULD WHO HE CAN F**K be the problem, especially since he just took vow to F**K only you for the rest of his life? In other words, WHO HE IS becomes the problem and not WHAT HE WILL DO when married to you. And that is HOMOPHOBIA. Women go into marriages knowing that the man still CAN have sex with other women and cheat and that knowledge doesnt stop them from marrying the man. But knowing that her man CAN have sex with other men will stop her from marrying him? why? isnt the difference due to homophobia?
chuck
August 26, 12:25his preference for men makes cheating very probable. And it’s OK for her not to want a man that wants men in her bed. maybe it doesn’t get gwr juices flowing.Same as some here don’t want fem ppl. It’s not OK to make decisions for others.
chuck
August 26, 11:20Your final construction is a fallacy called an appeal to consequences. It also contains arguments based on an appeal to omniscience.
Is telling the truth bad because it causes this one man pain? At the end of the day he may decide to lie in order to keep the best of both worlds and cause someone else pain. That does not legitimize his decision or insulate him from criticism. I’ve also identified a third fallacy here, the red herring. The men and women who criticize this man for marrying under false pretences are not equal to the homphobic world that discriminate s against him for being homosexual.
sensei
August 26, 11:40interesting how you keep getting points i never made. This argument was never about the WRONGNESS or RIGHTNESS of disclosure. I never tried to justify his decision to tell or not tell. The point i am making is this: is it even in my place or yours to justify or condemn him? that is the question! The only thing i am saying is this. If he decides NOT to tell, its understandable. If you ask me, nothing is RIGHT about the picture. He is getting hurt. She is getting hurt. People are getting deceived. The situation is a complex one. Do not scream and condemn the gay man who has chosen not to tell. If you have anything to say to him, let it be a GENTLE suggestion in a KIND TONE.
chuck
August 26, 11:46Why must he involve the woman? You absolve him of responsibility for roping her into his nightmare. He can be judged for that. Lies and disrespect are wrong in my opinion. You might disagree.
sensei
August 26, 12:15i absolve him not lies and disrespect are wrong in your opinion. so you judge him. homosexuality is wrong in the homophobe’s opinion. So he judge’s you. see? We cannot go about judging people. We can disagree and suggest alternatives. But we should not condemn.
and by the way, have you ever told a lie? “Let him without sin cast the first stone”.
Chuck
August 26, 15:48Now we get to the meat of the matter – SOME OPINIONS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS! I’ grateful to you for bringing this discussion to this point.
We’ve discussed relativism before, as well as proper argumentation. A good argument has a claim, founded on strong premises with factual, relevant data as evidence. This is the scientific method. Religious arguments tend not to, since they are not based on evidence.
I have lied before. It is condemnable. When I lied I was condemned, if I lie again I will be condemned. That does not mean I will look the other way when stealing or lying is happening.
Teflondon
August 26, 11:33This issue/ Topic has been over-flogged, can we move to other topics please. its really stale now arguing about a topic majority have made up their minds on. I believe even when some finally reasons with the others lines of argument, They would not openly admit it so as not be seen as weak or not being firm with their beliefs. so my question whats the use going on with this argument?
Like someone said earlier, we are all grown ups and each and everyone is entitled to how he/she chooses his/her path in life.
Anyways there are written pieces on KD i like to step back and watch the brilliant minds/ones argue it out while i just read and learn. this is one of those piece.
Khaleesi
August 26, 12:43Wow Sensei, the enormity of your intellect blows me away – everytime!! The evergreen MGM issue. I shall never condemn MGMs except for the holier-than-thou pontificating, double faced ones. I realise that a lot of MGMs are victims who are simply being human and making the best they can out of an abysmally horrible situation. They deserve all my empathy and i give it in immeasurable doses. Its true we live in a deeply intolerant and homophobic society where @ a certain age, you have no choice but to confirm as the alternative is frequently too unpalatable to contemplate. A commenter has earlier said how when asked “will you marry a gay man”, Nigerian girls respond with repulsion and horror. This is why, i feel NOT A SINGLE SHRED OF AN IOTA of pity for the woman who realises after years of marriage that her husband actually prefers a man’s touch. They are part and parcel of the oppressive homophobic climate, it therefore is just that some of them most form part of the collateral damage; cannon fodder if you will.
Now, to disclose or to not disclose: This is a serious issue and there’s no fixed answer for every situation as every circumstance varies both in nuance, texture and depth. What i do know however; is that, sexuality is a major component of your personality, which influences so much of your life choices in ways that arent immediately apparent. A woman who marries a straight man knows that he has been with other women will still occasionally be attracted to other women, however a woman who marries a secretly gay man has absolutely no idea that her husband has in the past been with men and still deeply craves a man’s touch; if this sounds fair to you and you can handle it with your sanity and conscience intact, then by all means, walk down that aisle with her – its your choice, no one has a right to condemn you for your choices if they arent directly affected by those choices ***shudder*** and please refrain from knocking or sneering at those who have decided they cant deal with such a burdensome load of deceit and guilt … #Peace
Dimkpa
August 26, 12:49This is quite an interesting and thought provoking piece. It is interesting this topic keeps coming up and I daresay it is because the truth about it has not yet been discovered. In my field of endeavour it is widely acknowledged that it is only in situations where the truth has not been found that many theories and opinions abound otherwise there would be no need to argue about it.
I feel one of the ways to resolve this would be to gain insight from those gay men who have actually experienced being in opposite-sex marriages. But it seems that just like no one has come from beyond the grave to tell us if there really is an afterlife, those of them among us have decided that mum is the word on this issue. But sometimes I can’t help feeling that the failure to share those experiences may actually hint that perhaps all may not be well.
At some point I was consumed by this issue because it was time and on the advice of a friend, I went online to search for stories about gay men who took the plunge. The stories contributed by the men themselves were not pretty. All but one of the marriages described had ended and the one that survived had serious issues. His wife stayed on though even after finding out.
in all these debates on marriage we fail to realise that marriage is not a be of roses. Even the couples most in love on their wedding day face challenges which is understandable given that two people from totally different backgrounds with their various ingrained ideas decide to live together. Conflict in such situations is inevitable. A friend of mine told me that most problems in marriages are caused by money, sex and in-laws. For some those problems may also be solved by sex. In my thinking the gay man married to a woman won’t have the luxury of make up sex which may be a disadvantage to start with.
I would also like to add that I know of someone who married a woman who he made aware of his orientation before the marriage. So by that evidence it is possible to do that.
On the article, I would like to disagree with the opinion that it is homophobia that makes telling a spouse your orientation important. I really don’t think it has anything to do with it actually. One may be in the closet because of homophobia but making a potential spouse believe, either by omission or commission, that you are straight is a personal choice and has nothing to do with what people think about you. In this debate on marriage we have absolved ourselves of the need to be honest. We seem to have thrown integrity to the wind and put the blame for our actions on others feet. But the truth is whether we are pressured or not, the ultimate decision is ours. We have full responsibility of how we live our lives and it is ultimately our decision whatever course of action we take. I am going to ask how many of us would not be worried if we discovered that our sister is planning to wed a gay man. That I think should be one of the ways by which we can judge ourselves on that issue.
The second argument in this article seems to endorse being dishonest because everyone else is dishonest. It brings to my mind the popular ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’ scenario. We should however note that the utterer of that statement did not ask the said offender to continue in her sin but said ‘Go and sin no more’. Therefore why I agree we should not judge, I don’t agree with the idea that we should be dishonest because others are dishonest. Like my parents would say in times past, ‘So O tinye aka n’oku, I soro ya tinye?’ (So if he/she puts his hand in the fire you would also do likewise?
The third argument on following the path of least resistance suggested that it takes courage to follow the path of least resistance. I also do not fully support this view. There is a common saying that ‘He knows not his strength that has not met adversity’. Some have further described bravery as persevering in the face of adversity. therefore I am unable to equate taking a path devoid of such adversity to be considered courage. I would rather think it comes from being unable to stand up for what one believes in (assuming the person actually doesn’t want to get married) and in my mind conjures up the description of Paul of immature Christians who are blown about by every wind of doctrine. (I feel the need to add that my use of biblical examples stems from my long exposure to it and by no means implies that I still endorse the belief it proposes)
I agree that we are different, our stories are different and everyone is ultimately going to live his life like he wants or thinks he wants and I have only tried to air my views in order to add to the discourse on this issue. I sincerely hope that things works out for us whatever path we choose, or that even if it doesn’t that we learn lessons from it that may help others in their own journey.
Max
August 26, 20:20Thanks Dimkpa, another person I respect on this blog.
Queen mother
August 26, 18:55This is somewhat like Virginia Woolf’s take on indiscriminate and irratiinal ‘judgement’ she says, ‘Before you judge someone, remember to consider the many opportunities you may have had that they didn’t have’.
Sensei, Thank you. Thank you and thank you. You are intelligent.
Max
August 26, 19:25Nice write up, however, the world will never come to accept us as we are if we keep bowing to their standards by getting married. They’ll always believe its a choice because if other gay men are doing it(getting married to women),then why can’t you?
I see where you’re coming from, but straight men don’t marry their fellow men, and for a good reason too.
Prince
August 26, 23:19….and here lies the solution to my long dilemma….God bless the writer…U saved a soul. Thanks.
Olly Goes
August 28, 11:061. The article is too long
2. The comments are too long
3. The writer is biased
4. The commenters are biased too
5. The writer is incorrigible & too defensive
6. The last sentence was the best thing in the article cos of the unintended play on words
phemmi
August 29, 01:02I believe if one decide to marry, its what you do in the marriage that matters, as long as you’re not being unfaithful or making ur spouse unhappy, and u yourself been happy & content with the situation.