To All The Boys I’ve Loved (Entry 4)

To All The Boys I’ve Loved (Entry 4)

Dear Eric,

You changed my life. In many ways, you did. You might not know this but meeting you was a major highlight in my life. You taught me love and friendship in a time when I was going through darkness; a time when I had given up on life. I mean, I don’t see any man who would have been able to handle someone who went from being a first class student in the academy to a regular visitor at the emergency ward.

You understood me, Ric. With you, I loved being nineteen and vulnerable. I got firsthand what I never knew I needed: a boyFRIEND.

I miss watching you laugh. I miss watching you play. You were so full of life! I loved the way you stole kisses from me in the most unexpected moments. Remember that day at the shop when you rushed to make out with me as soon as the last customer stepped out, only for us to be interrupted by another customer barely five minutes into our moment of passion? I remember how you laughed hard when I tried to conceal my erection. You were just mean; lol.

I’m sorry I cut you off. I didn’t know how else to respond to you knowing you warned me the scholarship could be a scam. I guess I would have felt worse if I’d heard you say “I told you so” because you did. Do you know I got into some trouble when I tried renewing my passport earlier this year due to that scam of a scholarship? It was some real shit. I’m glad I got out of it.

Thinking about who you were at the time, I realize you would have held me all night, cooked and tried to keep me sane and happy. I’m sorry I refused to get back together with you even after you told me you wanted me back two years later. I have not met anyone else who’s showed me so much love like you did.

Getting back with you would have been the perfect idea, but I just didn’t think the circumstances were good enough. I didn’t care to ask how you felt about it. I didn’t care to know if you had weighed the situation and still thought we were worth saving after two years. Two years seemed like too long a time to try to rediscover what we had – or so I thought when I considered your proposal. I also felt you did what you did because you were lonely.

I have stopped beating myself up too much about it though. I have to forgive myself as much as I do others. I hope you’re well.

Sometimes – okay, actually, every time – I wish I’d meet someone who knows me and loves me the way you did; I kinda did at some point. He reminded me of you. He still does. But then he was selfish. The You I remember was never like that. You were kind, sensitive, loving… You loved me! This much I knew, even when you didn’t say it. I was an ass. I can admit I was. I am truly sorry. I have forgiven myself and moved on. I hope you have too.

I still come across your posts on social media and I smile. You haven’t aged a day. I noticed you’ve moved back to Accra. I hope you like it there. Do you still run a hair salon? I think you should work in that line. You have mad skills there. I hope I get to see you again. Till then, I’ll just stick to stalking you on Instagram. I wish you the very best from life, Eric.

Love, Olly.

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3 Comments

  1. Delle
    May 02, 12:34 Reply

    This entry is so sad all-round.
    Why are so many gay men quick to sabotage things for themselves? (Myself included). Could it be the conditioning that we can never be loved truly what with the society we have to deal with and in? For how long though?

    It’s really annoying that you knew, first-hand, all these good about Eric and still flung him away. I understand this is life playing its cards and I’m not berating you, I’m just mad. Rightly so.
    And now, you’re the regular stalker of someone who could give you all.

    Na wa o.

    Why not send a DM and rekindle things? Are we so scared of allowing ourselves be shown love to this extent? I’m thrown.

  2. Higwe
    May 02, 15:59 Reply

    We tend to overrate people’s good qualities once they’re gone .

    I’ve been reading a book about human psychology and the author said that humans tend to re-edit and filter memories frequently …given to the fact that how we most often remember is the last time we remembered.

    We tend to dwell on those re-edited stuffs till it becomes our complete story .

    I’m very certain Eric was not perfect and there were other reasons you left him not just because of the one you stated .

    If you keep measuring every new lover in your life according to the standards your re-edited memories have upgraded Eric , no one will ever be good enough.
    You’ll keep moving in circles and you’ll never find ataraxia .

    I put it to you that if you do start over with Eric , you’re going to leave him again .
    That thing that drove you out once will drive you out again and you won’t have a scammer to blame it on .😎

    Life is a pool of tragedy with some fleeting happiness showing up intermittently.
    We owe it to ourselves to gather as much as we can whenever we can because it’s ephemeral.

    The worst thing you can do to yourself is building a life around regret and what’s gone.
    You will wake up one day to realise that life and everything in it has moved on while you’ve stayed unprogressive.

    Move on !
    Find happiness !
    If it’s meant to be ,it will surely find its way back to you, but till then live your life without restrictions.
    And please stop stalking him on Instagram 🤦🏼‍♂️

    You’ll be fine ..as will Eric .

  3. Mafiaso
    May 03, 02:50 Reply

    True love is not always easy to come by, write to Eric exactly what you feel for him. Perhaps you guys might come back together. Never throw love away, because the world is full of sharks. You are even lucky, you still have a way to reach. My dear come down from your high horse and do the needful, hopefully you will find joy again .

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