WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE
I look back on my life since this year started. I can’t say I do not find the view so unreal. It’s like a dream. You know it’s a dream and that dream itself is wringing its hands, waiting for that inevitable ‘pop’ that signals that the bubble has been pricked.
After penning my Dear KD entry and viewing all the comments, I decided I was going to live a life of guilt, constantly torturing myself until I’m able to kill what’s left of the libido that I possess. I had lived with this resolve for nearly two weeks when my phone rang. It was him. I’d deleted his number from my phonebook but I still had the chats we had had. I used to wake up every morning, to read the messages like a Catholic faithful would his prayer book. Each letter giving my guilt the strength it needed to become a god. I worshipped those chats. I revered them.
And that call shattered it all.
I remember my head warning me to play it cool. I remember my voice betraying me in its breathlessness. I couldn’t even act like I didn’t know it was him calling. I just launched straight into all I’d rehearsed I would say should we ever get to speak again. “I’ve been calling you… I have been so worried… How are you? Did you get the meds? Have you been using them? I am so sorry. Please forgive me…”
When he finally got a word in, he told me he had been busy, and that he was sorry he didn’t return my calls, blah, blah, blah.
At this point, my guilt turned to righteous anger. How dare he? To think I’d been worried sick over this idiot. How many people would even care to let him know he was at risk? Not even a text acknowledging he had seen my calls and messages. I should even hang up on the goat now I knew he was not dead.
I must have gotten lost in these angry thoughts running through my mind, but was instantly able to circumvent back to the present when I heard him say, “We should start over.”
I decided at that point that he was either very mad or had a very active death wish. I wasn’t going to be used by his village people to bring about his downfall.
Our successive conversations proved him to be very sweet, considerate and downright nasty. His willingness to volunteer at a HIV clinic. His desire to have us show up as a couple at the clinic. The things he promised to do to my body when we got to see again. I’d stay awake for hours at night, my imagination running helter-skelter. Of course, I was still skeptical about his sanity, and meeting him was never going to happen (Revenge mission, anyone?), but he boosted my self-esteem to such levels that I saw myself as very desirable, HIV-positive and all.
Against good judgment, I began to fall for him.
After many postponements and rescheduling, we eventually met again at the beginning of March. I’d been waiting for his cab to drive past where I was chilling. When I saw another guy in the cab he said he was in, I froze where I stood. I saw public embarrassment and my death in those few seconds. My instincts screamed, “RUN!!! KITO!!! RUN!!!”
Then I saw him in another cab, waving me in. I took in a deep breath, committed my life into the hands of the rainbow gods, got in and sat like I was at my funeral.
But I may have been unnecessarily worried, because things went really well. Fast forward hours later, I had eaten, showered, and we’d had bomb sex and were cuddled in each other’s arms and were just talking general nonsense –
When he suddenly said he loved me.
It was so unexpected, my heart tripped. I was shocked into silence. He must have felt that I was feeling pressured because he said I didn’t have to say anything. That declaration constricted my chest so tightly, it brought tears to my eyes. Yes! I loved this guy with my entire being.
Not a single day has passed since then that he has not reminded me that he loves me or misses me unprompted. Before now, I could count, on one finger, the number of times I had said the “L” word. But I have said it so many times in the past couple of weeks, it feels like it’s losing the value it holds in my life. I feel so pressured into replying in kind, it sounds hollow and fake. Some part of me wonders if it is not gratitude that I feel that someone like him could love someone like me. I know better than a lot how love can be confused with gratitude, and how much of a disaster waiting to happen not realizing the distinction between the two is.
Still, when I think of him, I feel cherished. I get angry if I know he has been online and has not sent in my customary “I love you” or “I miss you” messages. I worry if he hasn’t and I can’t reach him. I feel jealous when he posts or tells me about his female colleagues. I get amused when he thinks he has rivals. I dream of being a part of his life. My dreams of a future include him. Thoughts of him wrapping his arms around me distract me from my everyday tasks.
If this isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.
PS: It was he who requested that I write a sequel to my Dear KD entry. Perhaps because he is vain and this strokes that massive ego of his ?? or because he wants y’all to witness.
Either way, I know, despite my fears and worries and skepticism, that I love him so much it hurts.
Written by Paradox
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9 Comments
Higwe
March 19, 08:12Live a life of guilt? ?
Because most of the comments suggested you inform your partners about your status ?……… And here I was thinking the contrary should be the one making you ” live a life of guilt ” …
A lot of people say honesty is overrated ( and frankly for the most part it is) but the good thing about honesty, is that it sets you free.
Look at you now….
You’re with a man that adores you, treats you like a king and has promised to support you through thick and thin.
You’d never have gotten that if you kept your status a secret… sure, you’d be having a lot more sex ; but it will all be empty and lonely.
There is no better feeling in the world than barring oneself to another – flaws and all –
and to see them accept you for everything you’re and can be. Sure, it doesn’t always work, but when it does; it’s magical. ?
I really wish you both all the happiness you deserve.Don’t forget to update us as you continue to live POSITIVELY.
Paradox
March 19, 13:00No, I felt guilt because I didn’t know if he had accessed PEP as he wasn’t picking my calls, or if he had and was using the medication conscientiously and then I would be responsible for having infected someone with HIV.
Francis
March 19, 14:24So did he access the PEP? Has he completed it? Has he tested himself? Were you there when he tested himself? Have you seen the result?
Keredim
March 19, 14:45Yes o! Valid questions… plus what was his status before the condom ripped?
Paradox
March 19, 16:431. Yes. He accessed PEP. I know this for certain.
2. Yes. He said he completed it. In fact he was insistent that he had when he got down with malaria and I had kept pestering him, and asking if he did. So unless there is a Certificate of Completion given, I don’t know how best to prove this
3. No, I wasn’t there. Still, it is March. Would he be reactive to the test strip just yet?
4. No, I haven’t
5. Negative
I realize how very flimsy the answers sound. I do not stay in the same city as he does and I could not stay with him long enough to go do a joint testing. Until that is possible, it is/was protected sex all the way.
Finally, he got too much of a scare from the experience. He has cautioned himself
Higwe
March 19, 19:51If you were undetectable when the condom ripped apart, it’s almost impossible for you to have infected him.
I honestly think the person that should be worried in that situation should be you ,not only as the bottom but because the risk of any other infection could potentially spell doom for you.
I think you should still get yourself checked out ….also never fail to use condoms.
There has never been a case of an undetectable person infecting anyone, if he was negative when you two had the condom mishap, it’s very unlikely you infected him…..still, science does not believe in impossibilities, so getting pepped on his own part was a good decision.
Francis
March 19, 22:31Me I’m just asking based on experience with some funny human beings.
Make person no wake up in the future begin spread gist say na you infect am, meanwhile he was infected before the failed condom incident.
Higwe
March 19, 22:38My dear, this is why I always hammer on this disclosure thing. Before pesin carry wetin dey no know.
Black Dynasty
March 19, 08:18Aww, this was beautiful!! Wishing you guys the best and a really happy relationship! ?