DEAR KD: I Know The Man She Wants To Marry

DEAR KD: I Know The Man She Wants To Marry

I need advice on this.

So there’s this lady, a nurse here in Bayelsa who I call my ‘mummy’, because she’s like a mother to me. She is quite advanced in age, but unmarried. And she knows about my sexual orientation, yes. She once saw lots of gay porn on my phone the day she was looking at my pic. So I had to come out to her, and she responded with the reassurance that it doesn’t change our relationship. She promised that she was cool with who I am. And she subsequently showed some curiosity on the gay issue, frequently asking for lectures on Gay Sex 101. Our talks on the subject were always fun.

Anyway, there’s this suitor that she’s been telling me about recently. And then, last week Thursday, she told me the guy would be coming over on Saturday, and would be staying a whole week. I couldn’t wait to meet him; she’d told me so much about him.

Finally, it was Saturday, and in the evening, I was in front of the hospital with her, waiting to receive her man friend. And then he arrived. Lo and behold, he was James (not real name) – the very first guy I had my first gay sex with back in December 29 2010 (the date I was disvirgined into the gaybourhood is etched on my mind). We however lost contact after then. And on this moment, he was more than a little surprised to see me. But I didn’t give him the chance to decide how to react to my presence. I immediately began to act like we’d never met before. I greeted him, took his bags, and dropped them off at my mummy’s house. I announced my intention to leave, and my mummy was like, ‘Ah-ah, so fast?’ James added that he hoped he was not pursuing me. I had to give an excuse that I had something urgent to rush off to.

On Monday, she called me, asking me to please keep her man company, because she would be on call that night. I agreed and went over to her house. It was awkward between James and I at first. We didn’t know where to start, what to say to each other. And then, he was like, he lost my contact and had searched for how to reconnect with me to no avail. I didn’t say anything, or perhaps, I didn’t know what to say. I just kept on smiling. It got so awkward that I had to leave.

Then, yesterday morning, mummy called me to gush some more about her man, how she adores him and all that. Then she was like, ‘My dear, how you see am?’ She wanted to know what I thought about him. I told her he’s cool. She said he was asking her a lot of questions about me. I was like, really. She said yes. Our talk soon ended.

And now, I feel like I have to do something. I just don’t know what. I feel like I owe it to her to tell her the truth. Or perhaps I should simply keep quiet and watch as things go on. She has been so much to me, means so much to me, and I don’t know which obligation would hurt the most in the long run, my silence or my honesty.

Submitted by Fabby

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60 Comments

  1. Dennis Macaulay
    June 11, 04:54 Reply

    This is very tricky; I encouraged a girl I know to marry a gay man out of spite mostly and now guilt is eating me out.

    If you tell her, it could backfire and she will say you are trying to mortgage her happiness. Look at it this way; if he loves her and genuinely makes her happy, then hold your peace!

    • Lothario
      June 11, 14:08 Reply

      Meanwhile, the guilt is rimming you? *confused face*
      Oh! Eating you up!!!! Ahaaa…. I understand that.

      Eating you out – rimming, which is fun
      Eating you up – definitely not fun

  2. pete
    June 11, 04:55 Reply

    tough one. I’ll go for silence

  3. Jamie
    June 11, 05:03 Reply

    If you’re planning on telling her, then probably a mole of jealousy is growing in your heart!!
    Because he slept with you doesn’t mean he must be gay. You didn’t even inquire to know!! He may just…and I mean, may just be very bisexual, and as long as he treats her fine, and she likes him, you’ll be a kill-joy if you cause confusion for them… Just keep a distance a little bit, to control ur envy.

    • Mandy
      June 11, 05:06 Reply

      Come on, Jamie. Seriously, envy? Over what? He’s jealous of the woman or the man? The man is someone he hasn’t even met in years. You really read all that and landed on ‘Oh you are just jealous’? *shaking my head*
      Peeps need to understand issues before swinging with opinions.

      • King Mufasa
        June 11, 06:20 Reply

        Mandy, please calm those tities of yours. He didn’t state expressly that the writer was jealous.

  4. Santa Diaba
    June 11, 05:40 Reply

    Try and talk to the man. A one on one discussion. Ask him how he feels about her and let him know that you won’t tolerate him trampling on your “mummy’s” heart in any way.

    • Jamie
      June 11, 10:23 Reply

      Ridiculous enough!!
      When 21st century kids don’t want parents to have a say in their affairs, the kids want to meddle in mummies and daddies’ affairs shey?
      What is even his role there sef? At the end of the day, after telling her, she may just become sceptic about him (the writer).
      I guess this is the time the writer shuts up and watches till his mummy confides to him about a problem she is having with his daddy. Else, he just doesn’t want her to be happy @all…

      • Chuck
        June 11, 11:53 Reply

        Happy with a homosexual? Clearly the man is gay. Would you be happy dating someone who fucks someone else in his spare time?

      • Jamie
        June 11, 20:07 Reply

        Wait! Is it about his being gay or about his being a potential cheat to her that we worry???
        We don’t even have proof that he is still fucking boys like us, or that he will do so, cos he hasn’t asked our friend out yet!! I am done discussing the topic already… Some views are unbearable!!

  5. Sinnex
    June 11, 06:20 Reply

    This is hard.

    At least he did not come onto you this time which means he respects the relationship.

    If she is genuinely happy and you know the guy is not promiscuous, I think you shouldn’t tell her.

    On the other hand, she knows about you and has been there for you, I think you should tell her. Let her decide if she wants to go forward.

    • Tobby
      June 11, 13:09 Reply

      Dnt say he didn’t come onto me dis time. Frm wot d writer wrote ” he said when he was left with d guy, when mummy went too work, the guy went on abt how he lost d writer contact and he tried looking for it to no avail, in other word if d guy is could have his way he would so love to get too d writer’s pant.

      • posh6666
        June 11, 14:33 Reply

        Most men cheat married or not,strait or gay so long as d writer doesnt get down with him what d lady doesnt know wont hurt her.Let d man screw up himself n get caught.Seriously so long as u are in naija most of us will get into dis same situation sooner or later i have to get into fake marriage due to family pressure,so if u are in dis same kind of above situation do u pray for sum1 to sabotage ur plans?abeg lets face d truth n stop being hypocritical.Writer listen well shes not ur blood in life of today its only ur blood u can take such huge step for no matter how close u are to a stranger so in order to prevent being caught up in an unforseen drama or danger back off in peace

      • Jamie
        June 11, 20:10 Reply

        Thanks Posh!! Happy to see someone who sees and speaks truth!!

  6. Kester
    June 11, 06:21 Reply

    Remember the vitriol on HTGAWM She will not thank you. Women never understand from a tb point of view, so shut up. Unless he comes after you……. even then, just keep away from them. He disvirgined you, boohoo,move on. I have never commented but this had me thinking it’s a real plea for direction…. *back to enjoying kd and my anonymity….. Erm pinky God bless you. You have no idea how you much you have helped lost lonely souls.

  7. JamesJemima
    June 11, 06:22 Reply

    Tough one..
    I don’t think I’d hold my peace.
    Isn’t it better for your mummy to know what she is potentially dealing with.
    What if she finds out on her own you’ve had relations with the man? The friendship you’re trying to protect by keeping quiet would be destroyed.
    If you do tell her let her know it happened ages ago.. That the guy may have changed (assuming bi/gay people can change).
    I’d tell her because if I were her shoes I’d want the same to be done for me.
    Maybe look at it this way.. If she’s close enough to you that you’d assign a family name to her ask yourself if you’d keep quiet about it if it was your actual mother or sister.

    • Peak
      June 11, 06:41 Reply

      @james ur take on the issue looks more appealing to me right now, but what if he comes clean, and mummy takes out her frustration on both men.?Cut them both out of her life. A case of misplaced anger, issues like this, have a way of balling out of control where ur attempt to be a saviour turns into a diversionist.
      I’m just asking cos this looks really really tough.

      • Dennis Macaulay
        June 11, 06:52 Reply

        What if HE LOVES HER AND GENIUNELY MAKES HER HAPPY? WHAT IF HE WILL MAKE A GREAT HUSBAND AND FATHER? I think he should hold his peace, dont fix whats not broken

      • JamesJemima
        June 11, 07:48 Reply

        @peak Of course he shouldn’t tell her if not ready to lose a friendship (pretty cowardly of him, of you ask me).

        @Dennis what if he hasn’t stopped sleeping with men. What if she finds out along the way that her man gives/takes the d.

        This in my opinion is a case of choosing to either take the right way or the easy way out.

        It takes a special form of bravery to stand up to your friends and tell them the truth.

        Maybe I’m leaning more to the side of letting her know cause there was a guy who was not right for me at all for some reasons and my dear friends kept it a secret from me with the excuses of “we didn’t want to sabotage it, we thought he could have changed”
        Last last I got a heartbreak and all they were telling me was story. If I have pertinent information on the life of a friends potential mate/lover I’d let them know. If they decide to cut me off over that, over the truth, then I guess it’s their loss. How many people around can you count on to tell you the truth nowadays.. It’s a rarity.

        It’s all up to fabby tho. Leave your friend in the hands of “what ifs” or let her have the necessary info to decide the next step forward.

    • Max
      June 12, 16:54 Reply

      Being gay and getting married to a girl is wrong. He’ll never stop wanting to sleep with boys and even if he’s now #boys celibate, one day the thirst will overwhelm him and he ll do it.

  8. guest
    June 11, 06:48 Reply

    if the woman must know about it, then the to-be husband shoukd be the one to come out to her. she’s accepted you, she may accept hum too.

    • JamesJemima
      June 11, 08:08 Reply

      Oh really? A Nigerian female accepting that her man sleeps with other men.. As if him playing away game with other females isn’t isn’t worry enough you’ll add guys to the mix. I’d like to meet such a female specimen.

      • trystham
        June 11, 10:10 Reply

        Wow!!! THIS can ACTUALLY come from you? *rme

      • JamesJemima
        June 11, 13:14 Reply

        Okay that was a bit myopic of me.. There was Kenny badmus’ wife afterall.. But we saw how that ended..

      • trystham
        June 11, 16:44 Reply

        Funny, I actually referred to your losing touch with the reality of human feelings in a bid to be pacifist. So, YES. You were/are being very myopic.

  9. KingBey
    June 11, 07:12 Reply

    Fabby biko let sleeping dogs lie…..and as Dennis said, don’t fix what’s not broken….

  10. Dimkpa
    June 11, 07:14 Reply

    This is a tough situation, one that in my opinion can only be handled if one could tell the future. But in the absence of that I would hold my peace if I were you.
    I loved watching desperate housewives and I remember an episode on which Bree Van de Kemp told a friend of hers that her husband slept with her son when he was estranged from her. She expected thanks but got the reverse. The woman blamed her for spoiling her fool’s paradise and spelling out her husband’s actions in such detail and then returned the favor by informing her of her daughter’s shenanigans with her teacher.
    Point is ‘Ignorance is bliss’. Your mummy has been searching for it and has finally found it. Don’t ruin it for her. She may find out on her own eventually and then come to you and you can become a shoulder to cry on or a confidante. The relationship may end for another reason entirely. If you talk however and ruin it, you would forever be the one that spoiled her chance at happiness, a situation that could be made worse if she never finds another man.
    Santa Diaba has suggested you talk to the man. I think it may help him relax if he knows you are not going to tell on him. At the moment he may be thinking of running away because of you. You could tell him to make sure he treats your mummy right (that sentence just aeems creepy) and play safe if he still plays for our team occasionally.

  11. Ruby
    June 11, 07:15 Reply

    I’d say… Keep Mute.
    Irrespective of what happened between you guys, what you should be concerned about is her happiness.
    Its your call now

  12. Masked Man
    June 11, 07:56 Reply

    Tell her.
    Of course she will find out later, somehow, anyhow. Maybe the man will feel guilty and tell her. She will be hurt not because of what happened between you two, for us in the past. She will be hurt because you couldn’t trust her enough to tell, despite the fact that she has been cool with your sexuality. And the friendship you are trying to protect might hit the rocks.
    At least that’s how i’ll feel.

  13. Francis
    June 11, 08:43 Reply

    If na my sister or bestie, I’m spilling biko. No time to waste. I do understand how telling can backfire as something like this has happened to me but what I learnt from that situation is if you ain’t really tight with the “victim” shut your mouth and siddon dey look.

    I wish you the best and hope never to be in your situation.

  14. Lanre S
    June 11, 09:02 Reply

    And what is the truth you are needing to tell mummy ? That her fiancé is bisexual ? Would you feel compelled to tell this truth if he was straight and fucking other girls ? Or if he was a girl you’d had sex with in the past who is about to marry someone close to you? If they knew this truth, would it make them not want to marry again?

    • Francis
      June 11, 09:09 Reply

      @LanreS: Not everyone is comfortable knowing that their partners can swing both ways. At least I for one wasn’t comfortable with that in my first relationship but I later adapted. There’s just something about it that makes one feel inadequate. Like you can’t compete

      • Max
        June 12, 16:58 Reply

        They’re attracted to every type of human and thats scary as hell. You’ll have the image of them having a threesome with both sexes haunt you throughout your relationship.

  15. Diablo
    June 11, 09:46 Reply

    If u must tell her, maybe be do so subtly. Drop a few hints here and there. Don’t tell her outrightly. But then again, i suppose the guy would expect you understand, especially given the society we live in and how marriage is more-or-less an inevitability for the avg Nigerian (gay or straight). So on second thought, maybe its best u let sleeping dogs lie

  16. Jamie
    June 11, 10:24 Reply

    Ridiculous enough!!
    When 21st century kids don’t want parents to have a say in their affairs, the kids want to meddle in mummies and daddies’ affairs shey?
    What is even his role there sef? At the end of the day, after telling her, she may just become sceptic about him (the writer).
    I guess this is the time the writer shuts up and watches till his mummy confides to him about a problem she is having with his daddy. Else, he just doesn’t want her to be happy @all…

  17. Jamie
    June 11, 10:35 Reply

    I expect some people to put themselves in mummy’s boyfriend’s shoes before they speak…

  18. posh6666
    June 11, 11:33 Reply

    My dear yes u are close but at d end of d day she aint ur blood.Why ruin ur frndshp with her and her chance to happiness?as d saying goes ignorance is bliss.What she doesnt know wont hurt her,so long as she’s happy let it go if d guy later fucks up dat is on him dats his screw up not urs.I hope it works out for her but if it doesnt and she later gets to knw his into guys never ever in ur life let her know u knew bout his lifestyle.Just pretend u have never met him and act normal around him be ur normal self,dont ever get tempted to have sex with him u are better dan that just wish both of dem well.

    • posh6666
      June 11, 11:37 Reply

      And d frank truth is if u tell her his into guys and she attacks him with that my dear u could actually be putting ur life in danger yes some people r crazy like dat! And can hurt u without thinking twice n keep it moving like its nothing.Keep ur mouth sealed for its not ur business

  19. Khaleesi
    June 11, 12:19 Reply

    Fabby, I can tell you really love and care about “Mummy”, i also gather that she’s not exactly a youthful spring chicken with lots of options when it comes to dating, this might be her last chance to find a man to love and cherish her. Please dont go and ruin things for her. If i were you, I would have a deep heartfelt talk with James, telling him how much i love and care for this woman and how I wont stand to see her hurt. I guess he might still occasionally have sex with men after they are married, but he MUST be extremely discreet about it and as much as possible keep it to the barest minimum. In other words, “Mummy” must come a big and bold 1ST in everything while anyone else – man or woman comes a very distant and insignificant second; assure him firmly that you will keep watch and ensure that he doesnt deviate from this nor hurt “Mummy” in any manner whatsoever. This woman must be protected and cherished at all costs – its not easy to find a woman who loves and accepts you just the way you are … Do this for her please!

    • Francis
      June 11, 12:46 Reply

      @Khalessi this your approach makes sense sha. As long as the man fully understands.

    • Max
      June 12, 17:00 Reply

      This is the best response so far..

  20. pete
    June 11, 12:41 Reply

    KD seems protective of a prospective MGM today.

    • Dimkpa
      June 11, 18:21 Reply

      So it seems. But I think there is a greater, often unspoken rule at play here, ‘Thou shalt not out a fellow gay man.’

  21. Lothario
    June 11, 14:06 Reply

    My dear, I have a feeling that telling her would not result exactly how you expect it to. Keep mum dear friend, it really isn’t your business. But having a talk with him and letting him know how important she is to you is also a good way to go.

  22. efe
    June 11, 16:19 Reply

    I think you should hold ur peace,that way u don’t be d reason they break up. pls just hold ur peace and allow them continue in their love but if d man makes advance to u again I think you shld tell her then.

  23. trystham
    June 11, 17:24 Reply

    Well, she is ‘mummy’ now. Adopted family. I cannot keep quiet on the matter if it were my own sister in her shoes. I could say that he would change and be faithful to his vows, but if the MGMs here are any indicator, it will be a cold day in hell b4 that happens.
    Fabby, its a risk u have to take, for ur own peace of mind and to save her unnecessary future heartaches. Let her rage and hate you, but she will thank you in the end.

  24. sensei
    June 11, 18:10 Reply

    Abeg if the guy is bisexual, he is entitled to his sexual orientation (that is hoping we still believe that people are entitled to their orientation).

    Like Dennis said, don’t fix what is not broken. You can have a heart to heart talk with the guy and leave it at that.

  25. Gad
    June 11, 18:42 Reply

    Faby, if you can get in touch with me via email,I will share what I did in a similar situation with you and the results. The only condition is that it must never be shared here lest its used for jesting in future.D Admin can give u my email address.

    • Raj
      June 11, 22:09 Reply

      Common ,what are we saying here. Just beavuse you are aware. I mean emotionally ,your au t is invested and satisfied with this relationship. Why ruin it in the basis of “a century old sex”

      Seriously ,how many marriages are without “the other person” in either or both partners.
      What is Tue percentage that she wouldn’t meet another gay you wouldn’t know of(who respects and satisfies her emotions less thanthis hguy)

      For your sake. I suggest you don’t cross the line. Not safe. Not good. Totally unnecessary

    • Max
      June 12, 17:07 Reply

      Here comes angel Gadriel to the rescue… Only he won’t share the solution with us here, because he’s scared. Angels are supposed be warriors of God right? Fearless in the face of danger or jest? **sigh* but what do I know.
      It hasn’t been a week since I was disappointed by a supposed powerful fire breathing dragon..
      But what do I know? Maybe Angels and dragons aren’t so powerful afterall..

      • gad
        June 12, 20:02 Reply

        it’s sheer delusion for ogbanjes and demons to think that an angel is scared of them. I only want to avoid joining issues with urchins,rats,psychiatric patients and dead-losses. like the ever bitter max.

      • pete
        June 13, 05:16 Reply

        there should be respect for people’s religious beliefs. religious intolerance helps no one

  26. Khal
    June 14, 06:45 Reply

    OP, I think you should talk things thru with the man, to ascertain his state of mind and his attitude towards the relationship with “mummy”… That will help clarify things… You must be careful however to not sound confrontational but sincerely interested in ” mummy’s” wellbeing (explain this to him).

    On the bringht did, he didn’t try to do anything with you when y’all were alone…

    Harsh reality: majority of men will cheat in their marriage, gay, straight, confused, trans…. Deal with it!!!

  27. mrFresh
    June 14, 22:43 Reply

    @Fabby …i wld av said u shld tell her , buh like u said u dunno ow shes gonna react to d news …in my own case give her a lil space, so whc d guy doesnt cme in contact with u and u dnt av to feel so bad around wen u see them both …buh jux be vigillant abt ow it unfolds…

  28. Tangie Bloom
    May 04, 18:49 Reply

    I would tell her. It would hurt a lot more if she found out on her own in future. She’d be hurt but I think she’ll eventually come around. Good luck!

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