JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 44)

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 44)

July 25

Depression for me is like that annoying relative that comes to visit usually uninvited. The kind of relative you aren’t happy to see but must oblige. You plague him with subtle questions of “How long will you be staying?” And when he stays for far too long, you get desperate and try to push him out. But it doesn’t work because he’s not ready to go. He finds excuses to stay. And then you sort of get used to him being around and hope he’d leave soon. Sometimes he does, and it’s like a blast of fresh air is back into the living space that is your mind. You start to rearrange the things he messed up during his stay, like that friend you snapped at for no reason except for unspoken frustration, those sheets that are wet from crying; putting back up those trophies of achievements you took down because he made you feel like they were worthless.

You wonder how the hell you thought things couldn’t get better.

But it’s not always like that for some people. Depression is not like that annoying relative. He’s more like a captor, and he has turned their home (the mind) into a prison of gloom. They are done fighting him and think that the world is meant to be grey and sad. They don’t tell anyone that someone is holding them prisoner in their own mind, for fear of being thought of as weak or attention-seeking. They’ve lost the will to fight, and that is a very dangerous path to be on. It can get like that, even if depression first looked like that annoying relative.

So if you think it’s stayed too long, it is best you find some help – someone to talk to. Pray, if you believe in God. Go online and search for help. The world is too bright and colourful to let gloom overtake you.

*

On more than one occasion, I have been scolded for having too many gay friends. Initially I used to think it was a bad thing. Until I got some straight friends and realised that I could in not a lot of ways relate to them. Most guys my age are not serious. All they want to do is talk about that babe they are chyking or that girl they want to be their girlfriend, and I’ve got nothing to bring to the table, and I get weird looks. So I usually fabricate things and feel shame later for the lies. It would have been a different thing if their conversations revolved on things except girls, like mutual interests which there is even very little of.

They like rap. I adore Taylor Swift. They want to play soccer. I’m a nerd and I’d rather play pokemon on my Nintendo 3Ds. When I begin to talk about the deep philosophies of life, their eyes glaze over and I feel like I’ve been talking to air. They easily exude an air of bravado and masculinity, and I’m just there like an awkward potato. When I’m sensitive to things like them insulting a girl because she’s been around the block, they look at me like I’m crazy.

How can I choose to be around what I don’t feel comfortable with? I can’t talk about my real hopes and dreams with them unless I come out. And even if I did, it doesn’t mean I’d get to do that because, face it, they might be cool with it but they would never understand. Heck, they’d look at it like it is some phase that marriage will cure – Or a girlfriend, because most of them aren’t thinking of marriage.

So, I’d rather hang out with my gay brothers and sisters no matter how chaotic they are. I like to be around people I can be my TRUE self with. People that I can break out in a Beyoncé song with and they’d join me. People I can complain to about how it sucks to be single or in a relationship, and how that guy isn’t treating me right, or how I’m frustrating another guy, and they’d totally get where I’m coming from.

But I’m finding it extremely difficult to be around people who say I shouldn’t let this gay thing drown me. Like what da fuq! You mean my being gay shouldn’t drown me? Can you tell a straight nigga to not let his straightness drown him? They are free to chase their girls and hang out with their guys in all their hetero glory. So why can’t I do that with my people? I get that we live in a homophobic community and there’s a need to be realistic, but if everyone was realistic, would we have airplanes, horseless carriages, gay prides, giant leaps in culture and technology? Heck, sometimes, you have to create your own realism. You have to create your own world, and I see a world where I’m free to be myself. And if being around gay people will help me execute it, then hell yeah!

But don’t get me wrong…if I can find a straight person who accepts my sexuality wholeheartedly and we have other things in common, like a love for fantasy novels, shared music interests and same sense of humour, then sure, I’d indulge that acquaintanceship.

Actually I have a straight person who is like a twin and we are quite close. It just worries me that if I come out to him, the relationship could change. However I can be myself almost fully around him since we have the same interests.

Another funny thing is that I’m sometimes an outcast even amongst the outcasts. It’s like I’m in an entirely different league of my own that leaves people baffled and not sure what to do with me. Some people have learnt to accept that, so when I blurt out quirky things like, “Sometimes I wish I had a long tongue so I can lick my eyeballs”, they are not as shocked as I’d expect them to be. And I have actually said that before. To a guy that was talking too much. My mind zoned off and I thought of giraffes and how they can pick their noses with their tongues and I was sure if they tried, they could lick their eyeballs too. And I wondered if eyeballs tasted salty because tears are salty. And I had an overwhelming desire at that point to know, and I blurted it out.

Yes. My mind is a weird place. Deal with it.

*

My mind is also a place of worries. Worries about things I shouldn’t be worried about yet, like whether or not I’m going to feel alone at forty and wish I had bowed to societal pressure and married. Or whether I wouldn’t be strong enough to withstand societal pressure, then get married to a girl and I’d hate my life. What if I didn’t get a partner? Or what if all I get for the rest of my love life is heartbreak and heartache and I turned into a cold motherfucker who would wake up one day and realise he’s not as lithe as he used to be, and then get all depressed about it and buy fifty-one cats who I’d have weird one-sided conversations with, and then one day, I’d die from a stroke and nobody would know, and then the cats would get hungry and eat my dead body till there was nothing left…

Okay, that escalated quickly.

Let’s backtrack.

Yes, I’m worried I’d be forever alone. It’s more of paranoia really, because the reasonable part of my mind tells me that it’s a lie. I can’t be lonely unless I choose to be. But that’s the thing about worry and paranoia. Logic is out the window and “what ifs” are what you deal with. Heaven help you if you have an active imagination. Your own haff finish be that, because you’d have written the script and plot of how things would play out, and even acted it out in your mind, and then you’d get that unwanted relative called depression.

Anyway, I talked to a wise old wizard about it and he laughed heartily and asked me why I’m worrying about such when I’m still sorta young. Then he cast a spell and removed the spirit of depression in my life with chocolate cake. Yum!

Lol… Just kidding.

But he is old (not a wizard though, which is a bummer), and though he’s bought apple pie one time, I didn’t get a taste of it. He however also did laugh and asked why I was worried about all this.

Anyway, I soon figured out that since I’ve realised this might be a potential problem, I might as well prepare myself for it. However there’s a thin line between enjoying life to the fullest and also making sure you don’t do anything stupid that you’d regret later.

This feels like a meme I saw. Something like “21 has you feeling like you’re too young to have your shit together but you feel too old not to.”

Mixed feelings…nothing Coldstone ice cream won’t solve. You always know where you stand with ice cream.

*

Students have been made to look like money-seeking zombies who are out to suck dry the next gay man with money. It is somewhat true because I have friends who say they won’t get with a guy who can’t do anything for them financially. But I find this generalisation very annoying, because when I get with a guy, I’m doing it because I like the guy. And if we go out and he decides to go to some expensive place, I try to chip in with the little I’ve got even if it’s to pay for the drinks or the transport fare. And if I know I don’t have the financial ability to chip in, I’d rather stay at home and have fun that doesn’t require money. I’m sure that there are others like me who would be disgruntled to be lumped with the so-called leeches, probably because the perpetrators of this stereotype have had rotten luck with students.

I’m also inclined to believe that a sane person would not just see you as a bag of money if you didn’t portray yourself as one. I also believe that this has little to do with the fact that the culprits are students and more with the fact that they are greedy or natural whores, because face it, even graduates are finding it hard to get a job and some are also mostly on the lookout for the next gay guy to advance their fortunes.

I don’t think I’d ever expect to be taken care of by anyone except my parents, and that in itself is beginning to grow old. I feel weird asking my dad for my allowance or extra money because I think I should be making some amount of money by now. Well, as for my mum, I’m pretty sure I’d ask for money even when I have a house and a private jet.

However my course makes it hard for me to get a flexible job considering the fact that it’s absorbing almost every part of my life. So I thought maybe I could start painting and I’d sell. I have a painting I’ve done that’s supposed to be for a pitakwa somborry, but no time to do the finishing touches yet. I was also skeptical about the project, because I have this thing where I feel like I’m not really an artist, just pretending to be one. Lol. My insecurities can be very, very stupid sha.

Anyway, my point is that I’m a strong, independent wo – sorry, man. And I’d like to always be able to bring my own substantial share to the table. I won’t stand to sit and be taken care of. What happens when the person taking care of me decides to stop? Abegi. Even almost all my exes had me giving every time it was needed or I got the chance.

What brought up this rant was when some guy said I’d be his husband and I’d stay at home for him. And I asked how I’d be useful to him, and he said in bed. And the very idea of it totally repulsed me. I calmly told him I’m not a toy or trophy, and the conversation shifted.

Sometimes I wonder if my predisposition to wanting to have equally shared responsibility goes hand in hand with my sexual role. Call it perpetuating role stereotypes, but aren’t Bottoms the ones who want to be taken care of and aren’t Tops the ones who feel they should take care of the Bottoms? And with me being versatile, having afoot in each world sort of evens things out, no? I know there are people where the above doesn’t hold true, but for me, I also feel that same sharing of “responsibility” in the bedroom. I give and you give. Though it is also shared responsibility where the Bottom is responsible for being Bottom and a Top for being Top, it’s just being shared in a way that is different for Versatiles.

Maybe there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to be taken care of financially, whether you’re Top or Bottom or a student or a graduate without pay. Maybe what is wrong is thinking that another person’s purpose on earth is to take care of you.

However, if as a Bottom you expect the Top to be the one to take care of you, and the Top agrees to that, then isn’t that cool? After all, what two consenting adults do with their relationship is entirely up to them. Just because I can’t imagine myself in those shoes doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the person actually wears them.

And I think that’s where a lot of unnecessary friction is coming from – expecting others to adopt your lifestyle because you think it’s best. I think the world would be much nicer if people embraced versatility, but I’m not going to go on a crusade to convert the Tops and Bottoms to my side. That won’t make me much different from the Christians or Muslims who believe that their religion should be law.

Sexuality is fluid and complex, but that doesn’t stop it from being rigid and simple sometimes. Even the most complex things have an underlying simplicity, and for sexual roles, it’s Top and Bottom, which leads to versatility when a person is in between both worlds.

Bear with my train of thoughts. They are probably not accurate, but I’ll delve into the matter more in depth when my yeye exams have finished.

I’ve been contemplating researching philosophy. It sounds really intriguing and it’s a very nice place to learn to challenge your perception of normal and morals and things like that.

But one thing I know is that from now till tomorrow, my most important philosophies in life would be to do unto others what you want others to do unto you, and to live and let live.

The world would be such a much better place of just one of the two was practiced by everybody. But since man is flawed, then I guess we should expect the shit we are seeing around us.

I’ve got to go continue studying for my exams now. They’ve started. I’ve got a paper everyday even on the Saturday that just passed. Until August 5. Don’t you just love school?

Written by James

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46 Comments

  1. ronniephoenix
    July 26, 07:57 Reply

    Depression for me is like being in a never ending fire..
    It sucks….
    Great write up by the way.

  2. ronniephoenix
    July 26, 07:59 Reply

    yay,first comment, where is everyone, shey pinky don use una do sacrifice for illuminati

  3. shuga chocolata
    July 26, 08:30 Reply

    I’m still very much here. pp no see me for sacrifice.

    Hello Ronnie.

  4. Tiercel de Claron
    July 26, 09:01 Reply

    About the greedy student bit,it’s a generalization that has basis in fact.
    In fact,I’ll say you and the few others like you are the exceptions that confirm the rule.Students generally can be leeches.
    Your other generalization/stereotyping,of bottoms wanting to be cared for and versatiles wanting to share,throw that out the window.Majority of the versatiles I know are looking for who will take care of them,bear their burdens.Unless you’re willing to subscribe to the theory that versatiles are bottoms in denial.But I agree with you,what two consenting adults agree to in their relationship should be nobody’s business but theirs.
    All in all,a nice read.Kudos

  5. Tiercel de Claron
    July 26, 09:12 Reply

    Ah Pinkpanther,thank you o.
    This mobile version is so much better,easy to use too.

    • Tiercel de Claron
      July 26, 09:15 Reply

      Though we’ll appreciate it more,if the calendar feature can be made available here too.If that’s not possible without tampering with an already good thing,we’ll make do then.

      • Peak
        July 26, 09:58 Reply

        James! Hmmm the part about depression made me feel like giving you a sloppy kiss, stick my tongue in ur ear and lick it clean then proceed to ur brains and lick it till its spotlessly clean too. Then I remembered, that there is a KDian who is fast becoming a good friend, who has it real bad for u. I’m sure the nigga wanks at the thought of you, cos ur smile and ur teeth (can u imagine) does shege to him (he stalks you). So I will stay away from u and just stick to applauding you for a well expressed state of mind (ok lemme shurup. I have spilled enough tea to get me killed already). Depression and I are like Bonnie and Clyde these days.

        About getting old and alone? Mehn I have been hearing that shit since I was 19. “You will endup and die alone if you don’t change ur way of thinking” **rolls eye**. At these point, I doubt if I dread the idea as much as I use to. If I find love or companionship in the future, awesome! If not, hey! Shit happens.

        Brill read as always.

        • JustJames
          July 26, 10:11 Reply

          All this tea you just spilled.. Diaris God o!

        • Tiercel de Claron
          July 26, 10:41 Reply

          What are you two doing replying to my comment with this?.Shouldn’t you both take whatever this is to the main comment section?. Erm…..oga Peak,I do hope that body
          of your comment wasn’t referring to
          me.James I’ve known a while now,you I don’t really know.

          • JustJames
            July 26, 10:45 Reply

            When you say you’ve known me for a while tiercel do you mean personally or just here on KD #askingformypeaceofmind

            • Tiercel de Claron
              July 26, 10:49 Reply

              A bit personally,much more on social media.Long before KD.
              Your b’day is a day after mine,that should give you some clue

              • JustJames
                July 26, 11:01 Reply

                Lol.I’m terrible with birthdays and my Facebook doesn’t show much for people that have their days before mine.. Cause they are mostly female or straight.. To the best of my knowledge. Ah well

                • Tiercel de Claron
                  July 26, 11:12 Reply

                  Lol @straight.
                  Ain’t we all “straight”?.
                  Rest your mind though,you ain’t got reason to fear.Not from me.
                  For the records,I’m not Peak’s “stalker”.Grapevine News a.k.a Pinkpanther,pls take note.

                  • Pink Panther
                    July 26, 11:41 Reply

                    The first time you clarified it was enough, Tiercel
                    Not that the grapevine was paying much attention to you.

                • Tiercel de Claron
                  July 26, 11:14 Reply

                  I like your paintings tho,they’re cool.
                  Maybe you should do more of that

        • Pink Panther
          July 26, 10:54 Reply

          So, PEak, about this KDian stalker of James… care to share some more? 😀 #AmeboModeActivated

  6. kacee
    July 26, 09:26 Reply

    Depression is something i experience all the time to the point i think of different ways(crossing aroad knowing well thata tanker is coming,using a knife to cut) to end my life. Nice write up james, i hope to meet u some day.

    • Peak
      July 26, 10:10 Reply

      @Kacee, Honey, If you are depressed to the point where you are having suicidal thoughts, then you should find someone or ppl to talk to about it. Its nothing to joke about love. You need to find release, take control. Don’t let it win. I know it has away of robbing you and make u lose interest in things that once brought you joy, but u can’t let it win. You fight, we fight, that’s what we do. Find friends u can talk to and trust, it helps. Music does wonders too (sad songs slows the effect of depression on my senses). Most importantly get professional help or simply pray if you are a praying woman, but whatever you do, don’t let it win. Those suicidal thoughts need to be reined in. I have been there, and its not a pretty place to be, that’s why I’m a lil concern, so forgive my excessive rant. I’m just concerned.

    • JustJames
      July 26, 10:15 Reply

      Wooaaahh! That’s kinda serious though. You really really should find out what can be done about it. Before you find yourself turning your imagination into reality. Besides where will i get my eggs from if you go.

  7. Oluwadamilare Okoro
    July 26, 09:34 Reply

    A ranting piece. Touched many topics … Good.

    Depression, my best friend … Hello melancholy.

    The student stereotype. Very flawed. I have a student FWB(bottom) and a working FWB(verse) … Guess who asks for money and expects to be taken care of… Yes u guessed right. So it has to do more with who the person is deep down than what the person does or the persons age or sexual role.

    Loneliness paranoia. Check. I have to consciously lock that paranoia in a box and live my life.

    About gay friends. See me complaining and feeling bad that I don’t have much and you are doing otherwise. LOL … I am beginning to build my gay friend base though… Hanging out with my straight buddies is beginning to be more awkward by the day.

    Signing out.

  8. Rapum
    July 26, 10:11 Reply

    My experience with straight guys has been different. I say what I want to say, and gradually they start getting used to it and return word for word. And that bit about people wanting you to ‘reduce’ your gay friends because “your sexuality isn’t all there is to you” just gets me really irritated all the time. Longest time, James.

  9. keredim
    July 26, 10:18 Reply

    Good piece James, albeit gloomy but its just a reflection on your current state of mind. I pray it lifts soon.

    This roles issue has been hashed out so many times on here.
    I still don’t understand the thinking behind how sexual roles in the bedroom suggests who should be paying the bills in a relationship?

    Is the thinking that if someone in a relationship is economically disadvantaged and can’t pay for dinner, he is automatically the bottom?? That is so backward.

    • JustJames
      July 26, 10:53 Reply

      No no no.. That’s not what I’m thinking. This isn’t about who pays for dinner but more like who EXPECTS the other person to pay for dinner.

      I think I agree that my above thoughts are pretty flawed though except from the part of what two others do with their relationship being nobody’s business. I find myself agreeing that it has to do more with the type of person than the person’s role.

  10. Peak
    July 26, 11:39 Reply

    Diokpa Tiercel de Clarion you and I don’t know outside KD, so its not you. How u doing, sorry for overcrowding ur comment section. The mobile version doesn’t ve the distiction that tells you under whose comment you are replying to.

    @James he refers to you as his boobae and has warned me and any KDian I know to steer clear. He constantly paints a picture of u and him in a rumpled mass of sheet and mattress. One Oloshi sombori will comeby and read this and know who am talking about, so let me address that oloshi directly. Dear Mr Oloshi sombori, if this matter about james and our mutual friend leak, I go know say na you and I will take great pleasure in cutting you while scream and squeal out in pain.
    **withdraws back into the shadows to brew more tea**

    @PP, sorry this tea is beyond ur clearance level so bear with me. until oga at the TOP, decides to step up and propose to his “dream man(James)”, we would all be waiting with baited breaths.

  11. Tiercel de Claron
    July 26, 12:11 Reply

    Erm……the comment box is down the page while the reply button to a comment is directly below the comment.
    It’s all good sha,happy sunday Peak milk.
    But this amebo you are sharing here eh……okwa isi kote ebu,o gba ya

  12. Chuck
    July 26, 12:16 Reply

    I always do my due diligence/ research to find out who’s in it for money or t – fare. That way you know which student is a whore etc.

  13. JoshDeity
    July 26, 13:55 Reply

    @PP, this mobile version is sweet. No, i won’t lick it.
    As for the read, it was good even though I skipped some sections. I’m in a good mood and depression can be contagious.
    LMAO, but if I ever get to the point of thinking about licking my eyes because of some chatterbox…. seriously I’ll mentally massacre the dude. I’m disgusted when a guy talks too much. I can cope if it’s a lady…
    As for straight guys, I guess in some ways I’ve been lucky. Partly because I have more than one persona and I can switch easily. Partly because I’ve got a few wild, intelligent and seriously sarcastic straight friends who don’t talk about girls all the time. Tech stuff, movies, business management and stuff like that form our conversations. When we’re intensely bored, we ‘yab’ each other or I say ‘crazy’ stuff like “I want to cuddle with you” or “I want to give you head” and we have a good laugh and move on…

    • Max
      July 26, 14:04 Reply

      Hian, cuddling and giving head joke??
      That doesn’t sound so straight to me.

    • Brian Collins
      July 26, 16:48 Reply

      Really when someone tells you something like what james thought about with giraffes and their long tongues and lciking their noses and then eyes(i feel queasy already), you should just choke on your saliva and die.

  14. Andrevni
    July 26, 14:06 Reply

    Hello James….

    Quite elucidating entry I must say…and poignant also – touching sensitive nerve endings of a typical gay mans’ existence – and interaction with society.

    Depression for me always felt like being neck deep in quagmire – no matter the conscious effort at liberation – leaving me always so emotionally drained in the wake of its onslaught…..but that’s all past now as I’m becoming adept at knowing the tell-tale triggers and symptoms of an impending depressive streak or when if I’m caught off guard my first impulse is to reach out towards a fellow “witch” or my handler (Thanks to KD support System).

    My role in the bedroom would most definitely never affect my position in a relationship emotionally and financially. God so help that sonofabitch who because I choose to lie low for and be submissive to thinks he has the right to flash the “you are my toy/plaything” card affrontly at me cos I would so smash his head with the decanter and walk out on your bleeding ass. Mstheww!. *repacks bun*

    About having straight friends who are accepting of our orientation. Let me just say I have been quite lucky in that fort – my male straight friends all almost are from my local assembly and are spiritually minded *rolls eyes in 180 deg. Arc* except of cos I and bestie (hello World 1) who spends long leisure hours swapping Bae gossips. Those who are fortunate to know abt my sexuality are so not spared my theatrics however flagrant they might think it be……

    My dear, the average Lgbtiq is “wierd” already (at least that’s what my own Dad said). Being “wierd” is cool, cos trying to conform to or strap on myopic views of society would be in all entirety you denying the very essence – what makes you, you – of your existence as a SAPIENT …..so celebrate your “wierdness” cos no one will….and no “they” will never understand your angles or views when in a trance-like state you start talking abt deep stuffs cos it takes our certain level of “wierdness” to do so.
    Have a nice week guys.

    PS: Panther I am so greatful for the transformation that KitoDiaries has undergone in the last few days in a bid to envolve and better the experience of its teeming readership. You are just all shades of awesome. However here are my humble evaluations.
    Mobile version: checked[+], *so finally I can now comment and navigate easily, after dayyys of feeling like I was stuck in a blackhole*
    Web Design and colour: checked [+], *I can now afford to read KD without my glasses. Phew!*
    Comment Reply icon: Checked [+], *noticed that earlier this morning which is a huge plus*
    Like/Dislike button: Checked [ ], *Can’t for them to drop. You know what I mean. Don’t you? *evil grin*
    Ok, I’m done here *Apparates in loud sounding crack with scent of lavender and tinge of glittering moss still lingering on KDville*

  15. Deola
    July 26, 14:15 Reply

    Hmmmmm. Things are happening today.
    Where are my trusty binoculars biko…let me siddon and gbadun this sontin wella.
    ***sips cucumber water while glancing at tin of peak milk***

    • Mandy
      July 26, 15:22 Reply

      Look who it is! Tef baybee is back! 😀

  16. Sinnex
    July 26, 18:16 Reply

    Reading some comments sha….

    Make Una dey summarize small small.

    Nice one James. You are on my to do list. *muah*

    That you smile is something else.

  17. ambivalentone
    July 26, 20:35 Reply

    Depression??? Yeah. Been buddies with her for bout 3 years…and bitch wants to take our relationship to the next level. Some gals can’t just settle for friend-zone. My friends, cyber n real time, are her worst enemies….oh, and loud dancehall music (not rock pls).
    Good to see we agree on sitting ur nyash down if u no get money for dutch dates. Sleeping is so much funner. At least u always get to meet ur dream guy.

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