Sometime in 2015, I lost the love of my life.
No, he didn’t die. We broke up.
We had started dating late in 2014, and for the first time, I felt like I truly was in love and I was willing to do anything – well, almost anything for this man. Everything was right about this relationship except for one thing; he wasn't Bottom. Before we began dating, Jerry (yes, let’s call him Jerry) had said he was Top. But when he confessed to wanting to start something with me because he was in love with me and I raised the issue of me being Top too, he offered to be the Bottom in the relationship. After much ado, I agreed to date him, because I too was starting to care deeply about him.
A few months went by, and I began to truly love Jerry. There was something about him, from his looks to his character that appealed strongly to me. I have always loved guys that act like babies in a way, who I feel like I can take care, not necessarily financially but emotionally. And he was cute, with this teddy-bear look that I found irresistible. And he was just funny and lazy in a way that I didn't mind.
We were having a great time, and everything was perfect – until they weren’t. Jerry began asking that I try being the Bottom “for the sake of love”. But I just couldn't. I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it, no matter how much I cared for him.
It’s not like I haven’t bottomed before. I have tried it. I like to think I've tried most of whatever there is to try about sex. In my first two years of being sexually active, I tried being versatile, but bottoming just wasn’t satisfying to me. And that wasn’t because of the pain; I can deal with pain pretty fine. It was because the satisfaction of knowing you’ve had sex wasn't there. I do not know if this makes any sense, but bottoming then didn’t give me the fulfillment one should get from having sex. And after my first breakup, I felt like I was done exploring and was comfortable being who I feel like I am.
And so, I haven't bottomed since then. It’s been four years ago. And I don't plan to for anybody and for whatever reason.
And I thought I’d made this clear to Jerry when he sought for a relationship with me. Clearly I was wrong. It would seem that people tend to believe that with love, all things are possible, including getting your man to bottom for you. People say you have to compromise in a relationship and I say that is bull. When in love, you accept wholeheartedly a person the way they are; call it selfish but I couldn't date someone with the plan of changing him. I prefer to know you and decide if I want to be with the you I’ve gotten to know from the beginning, as opposed to being with you with the intention of molding you into the you I’d prefer to be with. There is something deceitful about the later.
Well, as you’d expect, the more I resisted Jerry’s urging for me to Bottom, the more upset he got. He began acting up. And I tried desperately to make him understand that I just couldn't be that guy for him. But that was pointless. The more I refused, the more strained our relationship got and the unhappier he seemed.
When we eventually broke up, it would be the first time. He came back a few months later, asking for us to get back together and insisting that the role thing would never be an issue again. Believing him, I accepted and we got back together. It was all good until it wasn’t anymore and he was back to wanting the same thing he wanted before.
It really seemed to matter to him, and it began to seem like being with me was making him unhappy. To me, there is no relationship if I cannot make you truly and wholly happy, and so I called him and asked him if he was tired of the relationship. I got a quick reply. Yes. That was all he said. And that was how we broke up a second time.
By the time he came back months later to ask for a third chance, I was well and truly done. It hurt me to admit it but after two tries, it was clear that we weren’t meant to be together. No matter how much he insisted that the role thing wouldn’t be an issue, I just wasn’t convinced. It didn't work the first two times, it certainly wouldn't with a third try.
And now, even though I have shut the door to my heart on this guy that I cared so much for, I have questions about love and its expectations. Were we both being selfish to want things the other couldn’t give? Was it even right for us to be with each other in the first place, knowing we both have individual limitations we couldn’t breach? Is love not supposed to respect and understand, or is not love until one is making sacrifices?
And why do I still miss him sometimes after being so long without him?
Written by Bradley