RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 31)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 31)

Let me give you one gist.

Almost a year ago, I had a wedding to attend in Abuja. It was the nuptials of two friends, so I was obligated to attend. I decided to stay with my ex-boyfriend for the few days I was going to be there (a decision I was going to regret eventually). I arrived in Abuja and all was fine; we even went to a club that night, even though I’m not much of a club person. It was however a fun night. When we got back home, Le-Ex had other carnal plans which I was not going to be a part of. I made it clear in very strong language. Sleeping with an ex ranks next to eating mayonnaise i.e. things I will never do! I mean, he’s your ex for a reason. Well, I ended up crashing on the couch, and by the following morning, the sweet host I met when I came had disappeared and a monster had emerged – a monster who did not give a flying fuck whether I was okay, had a meal, or whether even the generator had petrol in it for me to charge my phone.

I figured it was just for the weekend and I would be out of his hair by Monday, so I might as well ride it out. Besides I had other peeps in Abuja to see (hello, JArch), and so I was hanging out during the day and only coming home at night. On Sunday night, we had a really big fight and I nearly went to a hotel that night, but I endured. As early as 6.30am the next day, even though my flight was scheduled for 8pm that evening, I was out of the house and at the airport. I simply had to get back to Port Harcourt that early. So I got to the airline counter and tried to cajole the attendant to reschedule me, injecting the sob story that I had a daughter back home who had suddenly taken ill and had been rushed to the pediatrician, and that I needed to be at her side. An airline supervisor came out of the cubicle to attend personally to me, and I preyed heavily on her maternal instinct with my plea. She caved and put me on the first flight of the day at no extra charge. I was over the moon and before 8am, I was air-bound, nestled comfortably between two women, who I’d noticed during my brief Nollywood stint back at the airline counter.

So they struck up a conversation with me, asking about my daughter and how she’s doing and how my wife is handling the situation (because, of course, when there’s a daughter, there’s a wife).

And before I could shut myself up, I started regaling them with the story of my life as a married father of two. I talked about my wife, Chinelo, who is a lawyer at the CAC, and my two daughters, Uloaku and Ezenwanyi; Uloaku is the one who’s sick. My mouth was just running as I talked on about the challenges of raising two rambunctious daughters, and how I was hoping for a son in the near future. I even had pictures – of my sister and her two daughters, and I fished it out from my wallet and let them see what a beautiful family I had. These two women oohed and aahed as I talked, and for a fleeting moment, I enjoyed the validation they gave me – the validation of being a married Nigerian man.

Soon, we landed in Port Harcourt and went our separate ways. I mean, I was never going to meet these women again. So what happens in the airplane stays in the airplane, right?

Wrong.

Now fast-forward to just two weeks ago, and my friend from the cycling club buzzed me to tell me about this friend of his who was moving to Port Harcourt and how he needed to hook him up with someone responsible who would show him around the city. Apparently whenever people are moving to Port Harcourt, they always give them my number, like say na me get the town; let me leave that matter sha.

So anyway, I gave him the go-ahead to give his friend my Blackberry pin, and we subsequently started chatting. The first question this new acquaintance of mine asked me was, ‘Are you married? Just so you know, I don’t fraternize with MGMs because I don’t believe gay men should marry women.’

My first thought in the wake of the question was whether this was Max’s twin brother (Hello, Max). I laughed and told him I was single and all; so we continued getting to know each other. I found him to be quite interesting and knowledgeable (you guys know that any man that reads African fiction is a man after my heart, lungs and kidney, with a little bit of my pancreas). Soon he got to Port Harcourt, and our friendship blossomed.

Then the day came, when we went to see a movie at Port Harcourt mall. After the movie was over, we stepped into Spar to pick up drinks. We were browsing the aisles when I started hearing the call, “Uloaku’s daddy…! Uloaku’s daddy…!” I wasn’t Uloaku’s daddy, so I didn’t pay any attention to the call. And then, I saw the woman insistently calling ‘Uloaku’s daddy’; she was walking in my direction. And there was something familiar about her. Plus she seemed to be addressing me. Then she got closer, and in a brief moment of horror, I recognized her as one of the women from that flight nearly a year ago.

“Uloaku’s daddy…” she breathed out when she drew up before me, “I suspected it was you, but I wasn’t sure. How are you? Long time… How are your wife and your daughters? Thank God I saw you o… In fact, I am opening a kiddies shop at Agip… You must come with your wife and kids one of these days…” And on and on she went.

I was mortified to death, and briefly flirted with the idea of shoving something into her mouth to stop her from talking. And there my friend was, staring at me with a look that mixed shock with mounting anger. He was intermittently shaking his head with apparent disappointment, before he dropped his shopping basket and left.

Feeling slightly frantic, I cut into the woman’s rambling monologue, telling her I would come to her store one of these days, and then ran off to catch my friend. When I got outside, he was gone. We’d arrived at the mall separately with my cars, and I could see his veering away.

Minutes later, he sent me a text. ‘Wife? Kids? You lying snake. Don’t talk to me again!

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how a lie came and bit me right on my ass nearly one year later.

Anyway, Brian (not real name, obviously), this is the true story about the woman in the store. You have refused to answer my calls, but I know you will read this. I did not lie to you. Abeg no vex. I merely decided to wear Ramsey Nouah’s shoes for one moment that caught up with me.

*

So, one beautiful Tuesday evening, I returned from work and went to buy water at the main road. Now, the road was built in a funny way where the nearest exit (abi is it turning point?) is almost 10km away, so you would have to read London just to make a U-turn, then reach Addis Ababa to make another U-turn to enter the street. So I often don’t bother driving if I just want to pick up something.

I crossed the road and collected two bags of water and was returning to where I parked, when I saw some men in a Prado SUV calling me. I knew they were policemen, but you cannot sit in a vehicle and summon me. It is escort boys that you summon like that. (Keredim nwannem, kedu?)

Just as I was moving into the street, the SUV dramatically surged forward and blocked my way the Transporter style, and the men jumped out of the car, yelling at me, “Are you mad? We dey call you, you no wan answer…!”

I put on my polite voice and said, “Good evening, officers. I did not realize you were policemen. With all the kidnapping that goes on in this Port Harcourt, you cannot expect me to answer strange men in a black car. My family does not have money to pay ransom.”

The very aggressive one, who looked like he swallowed a certain Mushin-based KDian and so had the trappings of a sumo wrestler, replied, “You dey speak English, abi? Where is your ID card?”

I was trying not to lose it, so I said, “Officer, I am not aware I am supposed to be walking up and down with my ID card. But in any case, my house is not far from here. Kindly drive behind me to my house let me show you the ID card.”

Inspector Bacon now started shouting. “You think say you go school, abi? You dey mad! Oya enter this car!”

And this was where I lost it. I started shouting back at him, letting them know very clearly that the only condition upon which I was entering that SUV was if I was dead, so he should shoot me and drag my corpse into the van, because I was not moving any inch toward the vehicle. The shouting match quickly escalated, with the policemen threatening and me defying them.

Soon, a crowd began to gather around us, taking in the spectacle with no attempt at interfering. Inspector Bacon shouted that he would slap me. I fired back that he should try it and I would make sure he regrets the day he decided to join the force. Tempers got to such a height that the crowd began engaging, some of them shouting back at the policemen, while I took a breather to dial the number of a friend in the law profession.

At this point, the stupid goats got wise and got into their van and drove off.

I’m sharing this story because of a KDian.

Delle, I heard you were harassed on the roadside by the police a few days ago. Yes, the circumstances are different, but I need you to realize that they are just bullies and that you need to stand up for yourself should this happen again. Do not allow the police intimidate you and extort you when you have not committed any crime; you have to stand up for yourself. I recognize you are very young, but this country is a jungle, and if you are not brave, you will get eaten by other animals. Be strong. Be brave. And especially when you have done nothing wrong, stand up for yourself. Take care of yourself and mail me anytime.

*

On a final note, to the KDian that is my brother’s friend, who has been asking him things about me that you gleaned from this journal, and by so doing, making him ask me kweshuns, wehdon ooo! The koboko that will flog you is soaking nicely inside hot water. You know yourself!

XOXO

DM

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104 Comments

  1. pete
    November 11, 08:01 Reply

    Somebody asking your brother questions about you *sigh*

  2. Francis
    November 11, 08:01 Reply

    ???????

    Funniest piece so far. Brian never watch all those Hollywood about jumping to conclusions anyhow?! Pipu can like to vex plenty sha.

    That police matter get as e be oh. My reaction would depend on if I’m “suicidal” the day they jam me. I do ridiculous (borderline stupid) things when I’m in such a mood. If na trigger happy ewu you jam, na so our Dennis for just go.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      November 11, 08:07 Reply

      Hopefully he will call me after reading this.

      See police people are bullies, you just stop motor and tell me to enter? If I enter what is now the use of all the money my parents poured into my education? To what end?

      This is what they do, drive around in the evening picking up young men and charging them like 5k each for bail.

    • Chizzie
      November 11, 08:55 Reply

      Is it a fad to crack suicidal jokes now? Or to cooly allude to suicide? Don’t be the next RonniePhoenix Franca, this was how he started

      • ronniephoenix
        November 11, 11:25 Reply

        Just days after I decided to call it quits on kd, I happened on here again, only to “hear” bullshit about me.

        Go jump off a bridge!!!!!

        And really itsn’t funny, only a suicidal person knows how it feels, so just shut the fuck up.

  3. ken
    November 11, 08:14 Reply

    Lmao…so much drama

    But this is a nice piece bcos I learned a lot. Nice one!

  4. Mandy
    November 11, 08:14 Reply

    ??????? Kai! Jeezuz, I wan laugh die for here. DM, this is to me your best entry yet. The drama here can rival that of Declan and co. See troblem o. Instead of what happened in Vegas to stay in Vegas, it pursued you to Port Harcourt. Ndo o? Brian, shey you have read his side of the story. Not all MGMs are MGMs o.

  5. Mandy
    November 11, 08:17 Reply

    And wait first o… ‘The very aggressive one, who looked like he swallowed a certain Mushin-based KDian’? ?????? #ThisShadeIsReal
    I swear this entry has made my day. Dennis, you’re all shades of messy today. Just wait, Mushin people are coming for you.

  6. GOld
    November 11, 08:28 Reply

    Hilarious piece.DM u always keep me laughing from the beginning to the end of your writeup while still learning a lot from it.

    But that woman ehn,bad market oh…’Daddy Uloaku’ mehn that name sounds so funny on you DM.

    • Pink Panther
      November 11, 08:29 Reply

      What if it had been Daddy Ezenwanyi (unto the second daughter)… Chai! LOL

      • Jamie
        November 11, 09:44 Reply

        …can’t stop laughing!! Finniest comment of the day!!! LOL

  7. Dennis Macaulay
    November 11, 08:33 Reply

    Disclaimer:

    Nobody is allowed to call me daddy uloaku on this blog! For all intents and purposes My name remains Dennis Macaulay!

    Tenkiu

      • Dennis Macaulay
        November 11, 08:38 Reply

        You want to join the ministry of that koboko soaking in hot water ba?

        Just call me that name fest!

        • Pink Panther
          November 11, 08:41 Reply

          HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! I can’t. I just can’t with you this morning.

      • KryxxX
        November 11, 10:33 Reply

        Nna Uloaku abi Nna Ezenwanyi would do just fine.

        The daddy prefix sounds too tush biko. More like Mummy Ola from Chimamanda’s HOAYS. Mbanu! It won’t work!

        Nna Ezenwanyi, wete ngaji na efere nwa biko!!

  8. Peak
    November 11, 08:39 Reply

    I am sorry, but why are we standing by the phone waiting for Brian to call after reading this?
    If Brian after knowing me, would cut me loose over me being an MGM when we aren’t “fucking”, then to hell with Brian! Unless the part of you and Brian “fucking” or plan to “fuck” was omitted, I see no reason why anyone would bother about Brian returning to their lives. Like Y’all like to say here, “life is too short”.
    Gay men can like to queen out over any and everything. I would ask questions and not storm out like I’m a contestant on Next Top Model. Talk it out. I swear you don’t walk out on me like that and expect me to go after you or expect us to be cool and smooth like we use to be. It means knowing me and our friendship isn’t enough for you, I have to fit into a special mold to go with everything else. I have enough trouble dealing we me and my drama, I don’t need nobody in my life to be “doing the most” just to win an imaginary Oscar. #NoTimeToCheckTime.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      November 11, 08:45 Reply

      Well valid points raised, however I had to clarify that I did not lie, atleast not to him!

  9. Max
    November 11, 08:41 Reply

    “The very aggressive one, who looked like he swallowed a certain Mushin-based KDian and so had the trappings of a sumo wrestler” ????

    I hate the police with every fibre in my body, so I’ve made it my personal purpose to ALWAYS DEFY them and defend myself against their bullying.

  10. Chizzie
    November 11, 08:50 Reply

    So from all indications we are back to classic Dennis. it seems a week’s hiatus put your imaginations back in order and they are up and running again like they were in 2014.

    First off, seeing as you expertly made up stories to those women on the plane, without batting an eyelid, doesn’t that prove my point of how good of a liar you are? And lets just assume that encounter really happened, how then are we supposed to believe that this whole post isn’t made up too? You are obviously good at getting people to believe your lies as in the above examples you gave, so I mean.

    And we get it Dennis. You know half of the movers and shakers on KD. we know you know them, you guys kiki and go out together to get your hair did or whatever. These name dropping crutches you keep resorting to, don’t make you seem cooler than the average KDian, it just gives the impression that you can’t keep your mouth shut.
    Now we all know you’ve been on a date with Jarch, and that he lives in a Abuja. Keep it up. Radio PartHarcourt

    Meanwhile you boarding a plane from PH to Abuja. Is the local terminal of the PH airport just as bad? Did you have to wait in a tent and pee in a bush? Must be exciting boarding a plane in the world’s worst airport, you are like part of history or something.

    Ps Pinky, in the name of Jesus, I beg you not to delete this comment. I plead the blood of Jesus over this comment. I bind and rebuke any spirit that will cause you to delete this comment. Jesus take absolute control over this comment. Holy Ghost have your way over this comment.
    *begins to speak in tongues*

    • Max
      November 11, 08:56 Reply

      And you’re so concerned about the survival of this comment because?

    • Pink Panther
      November 11, 08:57 Reply

      I won’t delete it simply because I want to use this medium to tell you that this is the last time I will condone this hackneyed opinion of yours concerning Dennis’ entries. We get it. We got it several centuries ago. You don’t believe his entries are real. Move on already from that. Either stop reading or reserve your comments if you have nothing else but ‘you are a liar’ to say.

      Please.

      I’m not telling you. I’m asking you. In the interest of our truce, lay off this well-worn route you seem to be back on.

      • Chizzie
        November 11, 09:21 Reply

        But why can I pick on other people and not pick on Dennis? Isn’t that very biased and unethical? He just threw unwarranted shade at Teflondon, if he’s allowed to do it, doesn’t that give me carte blanche to be shady as well? Lets not do this again, cause you and I have come a long way.

        Plus maybe my fued with Dennis would have long died by now, if you stop trying to mediate and let us be like two hound dogs and fight it out. I mean I and James are now bffs, and I and Peak have long put our brutal past behind . So gurrrrl I mean, lets be cool

        • Pink Panther
          November 11, 09:24 Reply

          Chizzie, there’s shade and there’s what you’re doing. Throw shade all you want. Lawd knows I enjoy that. Just enough already with the tired point of view.

        • Keredim
          November 11, 10:06 Reply

          Oh Nwokem, you openly admit to “picking” on people on here????

          Ok, My God is watching you….??????

          • Chizzie
            November 11, 10:16 Reply

            Yes, on the weak, vulnerable, fat, darkskinned, ugly, poor and suicidal.

            • Mandy
              November 11, 10:19 Reply

              My, that’s a long list. You make the Grim Reaper look bad.

            • Tiercel de Claron.
              November 11, 13:53 Reply

              Chizzie,it’s FEUD n getting one’s hair done,not did.Do take note.

              I kinda get you forming voltron on behalf of Tef,but there’s such thing as doing it too brown.
              Btw,I know more than half the characters parading on KD,even you.If another does n drop names,I don’t think that should be an issue.

              Oh Pinky,I think there’s sense in what Chizzie said.He gets a pass at picking on KDians,there shouldn’t be sacred cows then.Let Dennis defend himself,if he’s of the mind,not you wielding the big stick on his behalf.

              • Chizzie
                November 11, 15:22 Reply

                Oshey o. Uncle TDC. English teacher, just know your day is coming.

        • Khaleesi
          November 11, 16:16 Reply

          @Pinky, I actually agree with Chizzie, we all know his antecedents, but nevertheless, its a bit unethical to shut him out from airing his views so long as he isnt abusive and vitriolic, biko shade is what makes KD what it is, biko leave Sista Chizzie to be casting her shade around … it gets a bit too sunny and bright in here sometimes and the shade is needed …

          • ronniephoenix
            November 11, 16:24 Reply

            Did someone just say chizzie isn’t abusive and vitrolic? O m g.

            Let me just stay away.

    • Sinnex
      November 11, 09:37 Reply

      Okay, this just made my day.

      I don’t know if it is just me, but everything this guy typed doesn’t even make sense. What has PH airport got to do with anything again? I guess Chizzie is one of those guys who still believe that flying by air is a luxury. If you know your way, with 7k you can board a plane.

      • Chizzie
        November 11, 09:59 Reply

        Someone’s been living in a cave.

    • ambivalentone
      November 11, 10:07 Reply

      bwahahahaha. the theatrics in dis comment tho. who’d av thunk it?

  11. GOld
    November 11, 09:21 Reply

    Nonsense and ingredients….Daddy Uloaku no mind am ehn mbok

  12. simba
    November 11, 09:21 Reply

    Pinky.. there is nothing wrong with Chizzle comments.. tho am just a reader and no administrator.. his comments are just funny, and not abusive.. it’s blog,people get insulted and so..it’s all makes us one huge family with diverse views…. honestly I don’t see the big deal with chizzle comments today…. actually am impressed tht he is maturing, his comments are still tainted but u should appreciate he is making efforts

    • Pink Panther
      November 11, 09:25 Reply

      Never mind my appreciation. The people involved know what I’m talking about.

  13. Peak
    November 11, 09:27 Reply

    Dennis, please can you work me through this archaic idea of yours that you don’t do ex(es)?
    So let say you did Patonranking in high school, and your ass runs into him today, you would still say no?
    Oga get over urself biko. That ass was no longer worth tapping, so u said no!

    If the ex is looking fly, fancy, funky & fleek than I last remembered and we are both game? Then we are our definitely going to get it on and popping.

  14. Francis
    November 11, 09:35 Reply

    ??? Got you all fired up, with your Napoleon complex,
    Seein’ right through you like you’re bathin’ in Windex. Boy why you so obsessed with me????

  15. Anonymous
    November 11, 09:42 Reply

    In my opinion and from what I’ve seen in over a year of reading this blog, chizzie has this way of shoving his opinions in the face of everyone on earth. I really wonder how well that works for you in real life. Can’t you just do what other do, keep it to yourself.

  16. Sinnex
    November 11, 09:42 Reply

    Not really a fan but this was nicely written and funny.

  17. posh6666
    November 11, 09:43 Reply

    Dennis Dennis who knew you had shadiness in you?so much shade throwing in this episode,Brian or whatever is such a drama queen abeg and honestly i dont even think he deserved ur explanation after all this while,Brian if u are reading this obviously you are above 25yrs old so you are a full grown man what was the unnecessary drama for?are you and Dennis married?were u guys exclusive?that was a very childish/queeny move pls grow up!….You could have atleast waited it out and hear his explanation you were also rude to the woman,this is exactly how people lose sum1 really good over silly impatience.Lastly Dennis hope you know this isnt the last time you will see that woman abi?on a very good day when u have forgotten all about her and you are happy doing your thing gbam! she will just spring outta nowhere,God help you if you are together with ur sis on that day and she will just rush to embrace her telling her how nice to finally meet your wife.If ur sister and kids leave in ph you could take the kids there one of this days and buy them something but make sure you warn them to not call you uncle lol thats if the kids will obey.

    • Pink Panther
      November 11, 09:47 Reply

      Hahahahahahahahaaa!!! I thoroughly enjoyed this comment. Daddy Uloaku, posh makes a good point. Atink you know that lie can come back to bite you in the ass over and over again.

  18. Keredim
    November 11, 09:44 Reply

    Papa Ezenwanyi, in light of certain comments on this hilarious post, my offer relayed to you last night, by a certain intermediary,, is very much on the table.

    Fucking accept it. One shouldn’t let talent like yours go to waste??

    • Pink Panther
      November 11, 09:45 Reply

      Hahahahahahahaa!!! Dennis, you hear? You are covered.

  19. Sheldon Cooper
    November 11, 09:53 Reply

    The long awaited entry. Well, the wait was worth it. You are a good entertainer. A natural at it. Well done daddy Uloaku. *grabs my flip flop and flees*

  20. Teflondon
    November 11, 10:26 Reply

    i normally don’t comment on rants and journals (written by certain people) as to me its a complete waste of (precious-money-making) time. its a kinda policy of mine. however, when this journals and rants cant be written without meticulously, cunningly (or whatever words you can associate with that) shading certain people (Myself being the easy target, because you are privy on certain details about me, taking advantage of my enormous popularity) then it becomes my business and i have to review my policy.

    Just to add to what Chizzie said (which mirrored exactly my thoughts).

    **trying really hard not to go down your level and engage you**
    just course you have certain privileges as you are acquainted with the admin of the blog doesn’t mean you should misuse it. Act your age at times, you are on the wrong side of 30 i believe. do something meaningful, what your age-mates are doing perhaps? frankly with your age i expect to read about your struggles and achievements as a grown-ass gay man, not who is toasting you or who you shagged last week. leave that to the Kizito’s and Carl of this worlds.

    Lastly
    stay out of my business really… you always find a way to be in my business. if you like me or want to be friends just let me know, if you don’t like me, trust me! the feeling is mutual, i don’t dig gay guys either (not in a homophobic way, just preference).
    By the way, someone showed me a pic of JustJames recently (which i didn’t ask for) even though i noticed one or two things compared to how he had been portrayed on here . I’m matured enough not to come here and spill out anything and i wont have made mention of this if not for the point i am trying to make.

    Dennis you need to grow up and act your age. get married or something, it might help with your maturity, all the times spent with little kids is taking its toll on you. your friends wont tell you this.
    #EnoughSaid

    • Mandy
      November 11, 10:32 Reply

      Let’s give a round of applause for Teflondon, the stanchion of maturity.

    • Max
      November 11, 10:43 Reply

      I think you’re mistaking notoriety for popularity.

      • ikhines
        November 11, 11:07 Reply

        Oh shut up you shallow pinhead! Just because you post some insipid article here doesnt make you relevant! Pls argue with your mirror

        • Chuck
          November 12, 21:27 Reply

          @Max, have you clashed with Ikhine before? I just want to know if this is related to some personal thing or a response to your perspective.

    • Jumbo
      November 11, 11:02 Reply

      Wait! You dont dig gay guys? Really?

      • Pink Panther
        November 11, 11:21 Reply

        LOL. Jumbo, he likes to brag about how much he can get straight ‘low-lifes’ to drop their pants for him. He’s such a sugar daddy, don’t you know?

    • Chizzie
      November 11, 11:10 Reply

      Loool ouch. I’d pull a RonniePhoenix if I were in my 30s , writing make belief stories riddled with the occasional low blows.

      Plus James isn’t photogenic. He can play the guitar, can sing, is actually sexually attractive, is annoyingly nice and above all else listens to Florence and the Machine. So he’s cool.

      Lets channel our mutual disgust to the likes of Posh and a certain menace

      • Mandy
        November 11, 11:20 Reply

        And maybe you two can form an association, where you can get together every once a week to sip cappucinos and bitch about how unfair life is for letting posh and the certain menace exist.
        Yea, you should probably pull a RonniePhoenix now, Chizzie.

      • Peak
        November 11, 12:43 Reply

        Wait! Is this a casting call for a girl group? I wonder what it’s going to be called. Suggestions??

  21. Theo
    November 11, 10:50 Reply

    Sometime last year around Ikeja Under bridge.

    Police Officer: Heyyyys! Come here.

    Me: *ignores*

    Police Officer: You no dey hear say I dey call u?

    Me: *in my fake British accent* I’m sorry sir, I don’t answer ‘heyyys’.

    Police Officer: Idoit! U dey yarn oyinbo abi? Show me your I.D card.

    Me: No problem, only if I can see your I.D card first.

    2nd Police Officer: *whispering* Old boi u don’t dey pass ur boundary ooo, u no see say did one sabi Law? Abeg free the guy, na bad market.

    Me: I’m still waiting for your I.D card please.

    2nd Police officer: Bros no vex, u can go, he no dey look face sorry for wasting your time.

    Me: Thanks officer, do have a wonderful day.

    Plzzz don’t let any officer harass you, for all we know the so called officer is a fake one.

    Lovely entry Dennis. You too much.

  22. kacee
    November 11, 11:19 Reply

    LMAO, Chinelo, Uloaku and
    Ezenwanyi hahahahaha i love this post Omg lol. Nigerian police are so annoying, i just pray this harassment stop in this country.

  23. Delle
    November 11, 11:23 Reply

    How I laughed through out the read of this entry. Who would have known DM had such cattiness in him?

    Then I got to the story about the Men in Black. Yes, the 9th day of November wasn’t a funny one for me. In as much as I come off as young, twinky and a tad fragile…I made those porcupines understand that judging a book by its exterior is a terrible mistake.
    I didn’t take it lightly with them…no, I didn’t. They apparently saw my appearance and tagged me ‘gay’ completely eluding the fact that we have some straight-acting, gym loving gay men in this goddamn country! Now unlike you DM, I’m not one to seek or indulge undue attention and that’s why I entered the van when they said I should (and that was after I saw their warrant of course). Once in the van, I don’t know what came over me, but I’m glad it did. I gave them (they were four in number) a piece of my mind. They said trash about ‘us’ being evil and desecrating their ‘kingdom’…imagine the rubbish. The fools were all illiterates and that’s my conclusion cause when I asked them this question, they were speechless. I was like, ‘Sorry oh, would anyone in his right senses want to be gay on purpose in a fucked up country like this?’

    It’s really disheartening that the Nigerian Police do not want to focus on robbers, kidnappers, murderers…it’s femme guys or guys they ‘feel’ should be gay maybe because they have too much ‘cakes’! Yes, they said so…’Why would a slim boy like you have that kind of yansh?’, said the illiterate that was ransacking the contents of my BB. I didn’t even reply the vagabond.

    We should be careful, especially those that keep porn (gay porn) in their devices. One other thing I learnt, which DM rightfully pointed out is, acting intimidated is your first downfall. You shouldn’t act like you are scared. I am a scaredy-cat, but I’m a 19 year old, 400L student of a prestigious University, honey, I know my rights! They really are bullies and this shit is getting real.
    Thank you DM. I’d get to you as soon as I can.

    • posh6666
      November 11, 11:50 Reply

      Delle eya sorry o no one deserves to be harrassed and humiliated by the police,nigerian police force especially the moment they notice you aint intimidating in stature the only other thing that can scare them off is knowing you know someone in a high place.Really really pathetic.

    • ambivalentone
      November 11, 12:00 Reply

      if u ask me, those pervy policemen wanted ur arse. expect their call soon

    • Francis
      November 11, 12:37 Reply

      Nna biko come first, the gist nefa finish. How you take commot cell/van?

    • JustJames
      November 11, 13:45 Reply

      They had a search warrant? How???? Was it directly stated that they should search you.. I’m kinda confused

      • Tiercel de Claron.
        November 11, 14:44 Reply

        They didn’t.He confused their id for warrant.

        I’ve been stopped for search on two occasions by men of the Nigerian Police.
        First occasion was by men of the SFU,Okota Division.Asked to go thru my phone.Big mistake,they realized.Wouldn’t even hand it over not to talk of acquiescing to their demands.They tried to come at me with 419 threats,I simply asked them to charge me to the magistrate court nearby if they feel they have a case or I’m walking within the hour.
        What with the way I talked and all,they suddenly turned conciliatory,thought me a lawyer.Whole encounter lasted 30mins or thereabouts.

        Something we should bear in mind,the Police have no right to your phone or whatever device,not to talk of going thru its contents.Neither do they have the power to stop and delay one on the road beyond an hour in the course of doing their duty.If they have cause to believe that one has committed a crime or is in the process of committing a crime,they should then apply to a judge or magistrate for a warrant to search one’s belongings or premises in aid of their investigation.

    • Delle
      November 11, 14:19 Reply

      Although the whole thing started on a bad note, due to my over-confident, ‘i-dont-give-a-hoot’ attitude, they began to understand that I’m no joke. After a long time exchanging words with them, with that buffalo in front going through my phone with so much vigour…(they were four: the phone searcher, the polished one ‘cos he was in suit, the casual one and then the driver)the one on casual then said to me,’E be like say u too dey talk abi?’ I responded, ‘if you think I’m going to beg you to let me go or cry for you, then you’ve got something else coming. I won’t give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry!’ That surprisingly brought a laugh out of the both of them and the guy said, ‘so u no fit act like man for once?’ To which I replied, ‘U no fit act like woman for once?’ The idiot then said, ‘How that one go possible gan?’ I was like, ‘My point exactly. Mtcheew.’ Another laughter ensued. Ok, I’ve had it.
      I told them I wasn’t going to drop anywhere (it’s not like they told me I was going to be dropped, they made mention of taking me to the station which I knew was garbage cause I did nothing wrong. It’s my corpse they would have taken there). I was beginning to gain confidence seeing as they were laughing (although I was still seething).
      They actually dropped me in front of the bank! Then the one with my phone said, ‘No waka like dat again o, if not…’ I didn’t even wait for him to complete his baseless statement, I added ‘if not you’d steal my phone again from me unlawfully, right?’ Where that courage to talk to these men came from baffles me till date. I’m not your typical loud-mouth, neither am I even strong or anything (I guess it’s the annoyance of the country’s homophobic situation and the embarrassment of stopping me on the way, in front of a grocery store!). Well I came down and the ‘always-speaking-pidgin’ one whose name I eventually found out to be Chijioke, gave me his number and took one of mine. So Francis, that was how I got down from that Van of Doom! Hallelujah!

      @Justjames…pardon my usage. I don’t think it was a warrant, more like an ID shaa but I saw ‘POLICE’ inscribed on it. They weren’t fake, they were 100% flesh and breathing.

      • posh6666
        November 11, 14:34 Reply

        They really humiliated you for ur own sake i really do hope u dont entertain any form of communication with the one that collected your contact dont be flattered you are not that special anybody can be kitoed.He might be gay or he might be looking for a chance to have enough concrete evidence to set you up and the moment you concede to being gay either through voice call which can be recorded or chat which is even worse,trust me on a day when they are very broke he and his boys will find you and by then there will be evidence against you so all this mouth u were making will earn you serious beating at the police station.You dont want to spend even 5min in a station best believe cos i know tb’s with longer throat and not wanting to miss a potential shag,it doesnt help that u are even feminine so just a little evidence is needed for them to be able to nail you.I dont want to come here to read kito story that touches the heart oh cos i dont even know why u exchanged numbers with him in the 1st place.

        • ambivalentone
          November 11, 15:24 Reply

          Chijioke m IS gay alright. The VERY hungry police type

        • Keredim
          November 11, 15:28 Reply

          Sound advice @Posh, sound advice.????

        • Delle
          November 11, 15:11 Reply

          Are you seriously going to play that card on me Tiercel? Lol. I saved the number with a name, I know whose calls to pick…*winks*

          @Posh666…actually our exchanging numbers was purely official. More like ‘I’m-done-with-you’ kinda exchange in an official way. Let’s not forget he’s a policeman. In as much as he was very silly but then again, he’s a policeman!

          • posh6666
            November 11, 15:17 Reply

            And policemen are generally evil,cunning,manipulative and without human feelings!i gave my advise sha

          • Francis
            November 11, 15:53 Reply

            @Delle no play with Posh advice, na GOLD oh. Under no circumstance should you interact with that goat. Block block block. Dem no dey warn person too much oh.

            You fit read all the kito stories wey dey here during your free time. Shit dey happen.

            • Delle
              November 11, 16:33 Reply

              Oh Francis, why do I feel like there was sarcasm pouring out of your comment? Maybe it’s just my imagination, hmm…
              OAN
              How can I block him out when he’s with my own contact? We haven’t chatted or anything, but I just feel this need to block him out or just get rid of him, without DAMAGING my sim card o.

              • Pink Panther
                November 11, 17:06 Reply

                Delle, I believe you are wise enough to understand the advice they’re giving. Whether block or unblock, the point is for you not to trust the men who arrested you without justification. Don’t be flattered by the policeman’s attention. Be leery of it.

              • Francis
                November 11, 17:07 Reply

                Sarcasm ke? For where?! Nna it’s all in your head. If you use an android phone just get one of those apps that automatically block certain numbers once an SMS or call from them comes in.

  24. ronniephoenix
    November 11, 11:34 Reply

    Oh so I decided to come back to kd after my 3 day hiatus, only to find I have become a celebrity.

    Some bitches really.

    Well, I shoved posh’s idea somewhere in my head and decided to take peak’s. (For those that actually care).

    Really I think it was a bad idea to be here, it was a bad that I didn’t commit suicide just the day before I found kd.

    The nigerian gay and bisexual male community are a disgrace to other part of the LTIAQ community.

    *spits*

    • Theo
      November 11, 12:08 Reply

      Which one is LTIAQ again notori Olorun?

      • kacee
        November 11, 12:22 Reply

        Lesbian Transgender Intersex Asexual and Queer i think

    • kacee
      November 11, 12:13 Reply

      Ronniephoenix please take it easy.

    • sensei
      November 12, 08:13 Reply

      It’s shameful what they did, Rp. So shameful! Please ignore them.

  25. Dominic
    November 11, 13:16 Reply

    I can’t quantify my hatred for the Nigerian police and their silly term ‘show me your particulars’. I just avoid them as much as possible cos I can’t stand their uneducated drama and i’m always rude to them. I can help it. Some street boys who would prolly be opening gate for me if we r in the same profession.

  26. Zage
    November 11, 15:33 Reply

    Drama,drama and more drama

  27. Khaleesi
    November 11, 16:09 Reply

    Wow … @The guy who wont fraternise with MGMs because gay men shouldnt be marriedd to women, i think that stance is a tad too stiff. Life frequently isnt just black and white ..
    @DM, abeg he overreacted, if he wont have anything more to do with you, LET HIM GO!!! its not the end of the world!
    You’re all shades of messy for the rich velvety shade you cast on a certain corpulent KDian, funny as hell!!
    Thanks so much for the human rights pep talk, now i know that our police offices are a horrible bunch, but you do have rights, and if you will be brave enough to stand up to them, you will frequently find that they are merely cowardly bullies. Be observant, try to memorise names and badge numbers just in case and always be calm but firmly insistent on your rights!

  28. JArch
    November 11, 16:25 Reply

    I am rising above the mediocrity miss Piggy’s comment.. I am having one of the best day’s ever

    “…Now we all know you’ve been on a date with Jarch, and that he lives in a Abuja…”

    Yeye dey smell… Anyone who has been with this blog since inception and has read my stories or paid attention to my comments would know that this is not news.

    When I say pigs have a short attention span, you people think am either joking or just being harsh.

  29. Sensei
    November 11, 18:08 Reply

    Nice entry, DM. Well done!

  30. Eddie
    November 12, 00:35 Reply

    Y’all are a mean bunch…smh

  31. Kaytee
    November 12, 05:38 Reply

    nice story…. hope ur daughter is well now

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