THE QUESTION: TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY

THE QUESTION: TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY

Una well done oh! I don come again with my “troublem”. To marry or not to marry? That’s the question!

But let us pause for a pink minute and really think about this. Is it really a question? Many have declared here that they WILL NOT get married, no matter the pressure. By marriage in this context, I mean marriage to the opposite sex. Also, others have stated with finality that they would be getting married and that there was no question about that.

Then there are the “middle few” (or maybe the “middle many”?) who are still stuck in the valley of indecision. These are still in that place of confusion and perplexity, deeply troubled by this question. Some know for a fact that they don’t want to get married but at the same time wonder if they will be able to withstand the societal pressure or acerbic remarks and snide comments that would trail their desired “single forever” career. In this discussion, I aim to help the undecided choose the right thing to do. Did you fall for that? Haha! How on earth am I going to be able to help anyone choose the right thing? The real question is this: does the right thing even exist? Even if it does, it has to be right only in a certain situation; a personal context. It will take honesty to admit this to ourselves.

A man called John has just opened a shoe shop and has filled the shelves with every kind of shoe you can think of – various shoes made of every kind of material that has ever been used to make shoes. But that’s not all; a shoe of every shade of colour in existence is available, many have a mixture of colours and a near infinite number of designs are in stock. (A certain friend of mine with a shoe fetish would instantly have a “shoe-gasm” in there. Lol!) Now, this would have been the best shoe shop in the world, except that it has one problem. Every single shoe in the shop is ONE SIZE. Do you know what the name of the shop is? John named it “ONE SIZE FITS ALL”. Expectedly, many customers come in and cannot find a size that fits. But John fervently believes that one size fits all. Oh no, he doesn’t just believe. He KNOWS and he would MAKE it so. So he devised ways – business tricks, if you will – to make sure that the one size he has will fit everyone. For starters, he had shoehorns placed inside every single shoe. You know how those can come in handy when a shoe is just a little bit tight. That’s not all. He also had a container of lube beside each shoe. Quite useful when you want to force large body parts into tight spaces, abi? (Tops in the house, clap for yourselves).  Is the shoe not tight enough? No wahala! John has got a section for shoe-padding of every type and size for customers with undersized feet. The few who have the good fortune of having feet that are of the same size as John’s imagination come into the shop and have the thrill of their lives. For others, the shoe NEARLY fits but they are stubborn and the shoe looks good. So they lube up generously (abi na lube down) and the foot goes in. With feet nearly crushed, they walk out limping, just midway between tears and a smile. For many, there is no hope, even after soaking their feet overnight in lube. But John must sell shoes, so he had a foot trimming section installed in his shop. “Large feet? No worries! Visit our foot trimming department, lose some toes and the problem is solved forever! Now you can thrill yourself with our fabulous array of shoes!” he says, smiling ever so sweetly.

I can think of many One Size Fits All shops in existence. There is Sexual Orientation shop run by Mr. Homophobia, the Religious Intolerance shop owned by Mr. Zealot, the White Skin Elite shop operated by Ms. Racism, the Top And Bottom shop established by Mr. T. B. Lollipop e.t.c

For those who think that all homosexuals should either get married or not get married, I wonder what kind of shop you are running. A one size fits all, perhaps?

Sometimes we think only the homosexual is or can be in a dilemma concerning the marriage question. Many people, whether gay, bisexual or straight, do not want to get married for A LOT of different reasons. They all are faced with the same unimaginable pressure from society. Most of them cave in and get married. It could be argued that at least the heterosexuals who succumb would at least enjoy the sex. That’s true, but not always. Some get bored with one sexual partner very quickly, so that after one year, the sex becomes a chore and is performed only out of a sense of duty. Some are genuinely not interested in sex and so they struggle.

And do we think it’s IMPOSSIBLE for a homosexual man to enjoy sex with a woman? I don’t know oh! Maybe the omniscient ones among us can help us out with an answer, especially those who specialize in opening one-size-fits-all shops and have got black and white mentalities.

There are a few other points we should consider briefly.

  1. MARRIAGE SHOULD ALWAYS BE BASED ON LOVE

This is a valid point and I agree with it totally. But I wonder how many marriages in Nigeria are contracted on the foundations of true love. If you don’t love her, then don’t marry her. Let’s be honest. Many are arranged marriages; marriages of convenience. I have seen a few traditional marriage pictures. Beautiful bride and handsome groom! Lovely, except for one problem: the groom is framed in steel, his body ends at his torso and is covered with glass, he is completely mute and needs to be carried around all the time because the groom, my friends, is only present in spirit. The man himself dey for obodo oyibo and probably has never seen the girl face to face. Where is the love? And how many of your parents actually loved each other before they got married? How many of them still say “I love you” after ten years or even five of marriage? Why do marriages here last longer than those in places like America where the ideal (at least in their minds) is to marry for love? So you know, about 50% of couples in the United States are divorced (So much for “love” marriages). I personally don’t have much faith in the institution of marriage as it currently stands. The truth is that marriages in many instances are unions of convenience, performed in obedience to a deeply ingrained cultural imperative; marry, give your parents grandkids and perpetuate your family name. Fail to do this and society unleashes its wrath on you. The very idea of marriage as is currently conceived is a problematic one. People just assume that you take a vow and jump into a house with your partner and you’ll live happily ever after. Truth is that many are unhappy in their marriages. People don’t realize that it takes a lot of WORK to be able to live with a person inside a marriage for the rest of your life and be happy in it.

  1. A PERSON WHO IDENTIFIES AS A HOMOSEXUAL CANNOT HAVE A HAPPY HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE

I won’t delve much into this. A story about a lesbian who fell in love with a man was published on this blog. Read IT HERE.

  1. IF YOU ARE HOMOSEXUAL, DON’T GET MARRIED TO THE OPPOSITE SEX. SIMPLE!

Yea, it sounds simple only because it’s a simplification of a complex issue. I wonder if HOMOSEXUAL and LGBT are synonymous or not. I need to be enlightened. Bisexuals can get married to the opposite sex and be very happy, can’t they? So maybe we should rephrase this to sound thus: EXCLUSIVE HOMOSEXUALS SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED. That makes it better, but it’s not entirely free from problems. I have a friend who identified for years as gay. Then one day, a girl sat on his lap and in minutes he ejaculated. Only sitting oh! With clothes fully on! This is the sort of problem that can arise when a being who is limited in knowledge labels anything. The label can be grossly inaccurate or sometimes just an approximation of truth. Life is a journey in self-discovery. People should be allowed to choose a path for the person they have found themselves to be, for the person they want to be or for the person they are becoming.

  1. THE HOMOSEXUAL WHO CLAIMS HE/SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED

There would be some “homosexuals” within the LGBT community who would genuinely want to get married because of the very nature (e.g. fluidity) of their sexual orientation. Whether you believe it or not, that is the truth.

Historically speaking, marrying for love is relatively new. Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage has this to say: “What marriage had in common is that it really was not about the relationship between the man and the woman. It was a way of getting in-laws, making alliances and expanding labour force.” According to a Wikipedia article on marriage, people still marry for different reasons which could be legal, social, libidinal, emotional, financial, spiritual or religious purposes. Some have even gotten married just because they want kids of their own. It is possible that the majority wants it because they have just been conditioned by society to want it, just the same way they have been conditioned to want A LOT of things.

In my opinion, people are entitled to want whatever they want. That does not mean we cannot sit in groups and have discussions that would make us explore our experiences and help us clarify or modify our WANTING in ways that would make us more fulfilled. We are constantly in a flux, so also are our wants. Nature made us free to make mistakes and LEARN from our mistakes. Hand out all the imperatives or injunctions you want to people, this will not change. People want what they want and as much as you can make suggestions to them, there is no button you can hit to change them overnight. People will be who they are.

  1. MARRIAGE MAKES HOMOSEXUALITY INVISIBLE AND THAT IS NOT DESIRED

Now this is a very valid point and it’s absolutely so true! If the homophobic lot see that their brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles are homosexual, it would help them reconsider their stance.

But you see, staying unmarried will not achieve the desired visibility. In order to be visible, members of the LGBT community should come out of the closet and publicly declare their sexual orientation. That is the ideal thing to do.

But let us pause and consider REALITY. Even in more civil climes where gay marriages are legal, people still hesitate to come out of their closets and sometimes go to great lengths to conceal their sexual identities. In spite of such acceptance, why would they not come out? The roots of homophobia sink far deeper than we realize. It is not easy to come out. That is precisely why people get cheered and commended when they do. Now think about how the situation in Nigeria is. It would take such heroism as is known in folklore for a person to come out in this country. How many of such heroes do we have right now? If you are one of them, know that you have my deepest respect and admiration. So for the overwhelming majority who will not be able to come out and have condemned themselves forever to the closet, does it mean they can’t do nothing for the LGBT cause? Can nothing be done from within the closet? Can’t unmarried and married closeted homosexuals still speak up against homophobia? Ehn, we know coming out is the ultimate, but the small one sef we neva do. If we are going to be calculating in our approach, let us start with easy tasks first. Let’s begin with something that everyone, whether closeted or not, married or single, CAN DO for the cause. Imagine what we could achieve if we all did just one thing every week, one thing, no matter how small, for the LGBT cause!

So why am I really interested in this marriage thingy? Well it is because I have noticed how much discrimination the MGM face in the LGBT community. Even those who are considering marriage are called names, abused, insulted or considered to be cowards. Well, he who is not a coward here should cast the first stone. If you are not a coward, go to your Facebook and declare your sexual orientation.

So you see, weakness is a human thing. If we judge and condemn without first showing empathy or seeking to understand, we are replicating the same fundamental trait that lies at the heart of homophobia. No one has the right to hand down imperatives to anyone on how to live their lives. That is our message to the homophobic world; a message that we obviously do not really believe in or understand, a message we need as urgently as the world needs it. You cannot go about judging people, condemning them or telling them what to do. Every decision the homosexual man takes in the Nigerian context is a difficult one. Life for him already is a journey of pain. Single or married, gay or lesbian, out or closeted, it’s all the same. We need to be more constructive in our approach to LGBT people. If we for any reason cannot love and accept everyone in the community JUST AS THEY ARE, then we can understand why the world cannot accept us and so we should not judge them. We should realize that as far as tolerance of persons who are DIFFERENT from us is concerned, we are very much like everybody else.

So what’s the answer to the question? To marry or not to marry? My answer is this. There is no easy answer to the question. Sit down, weigh your options, do your best to achieve happiness anyway you can. You may make mistakes; in fact you will. But there is one thing you can always be certain of, and that is my unconditional love for you. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, I accept you totally and love you always. That is what our stand should be as a COMMUNITY (I think!).

For those among us who have decided to stay unmarried or to come out of the closet, you are the heroes of the LBGT community. For every worthy cause in human history, there have been those who stood in the frontline of the battlefield. They were worst hit but they paved the way for others to follow. There are those whose names will be written in gold in the history books of the LGBT community in Nigeria. May your journey not break you!  But are you prepared for what lies ahead? That is the question.

Written by Sensei

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68 Comments

  1. Colossus
    September 09, 07:41 Reply

    There are so many parts of this write up that’s worth highlighting but you see this one, this last paragraph that just about sums it all up, this is the paragraph to live by.

    “So what’s the answer to the question? To marry or not to marry? My answer is this. There is no easy answer to the question. Sit down, weigh your options, do your best to achieve happiness anyway you can. You may make mistakes; in fact you will. But there is one thing you can always be certain of, and that is my unconditional love for you. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, I accept you totally and love you always. That is what our stand should be as a COMMUNITY”

    A good thing happened on KD when sensei started contributing, a really good thing. Would some read and be enlightened? Probably not, but hopefully one person might learn a thing or two and help make your life a little brighter.

    • #Chestnut
      September 09, 07:55 Reply

      “One person…”? I see what u did there…*sips tea* (Hey M, how u doin’?)

      • Max
        September 09, 08:13 Reply

        Chestnut, not in the mood this morning.?

    • Max
      September 09, 08:13 Reply

      Not a surprising comment from you @Colossus, would’ve been disappointed if you said anything otherwise. As humans, we’re all selfish, we rarely sit back to think about how our decisions affect others. If you factor that into that final paragraph, you’ll see the error in it.
      Personal happiness cannot be achieved without hurting other people in the process. Now that can be argued in both ways, who exactly are you hurting in the pursuit of happiness, your spouse or your family, or both? Or other people?

      • Mandy
        September 09, 08:17 Reply

        That is not up to you to judge or malign said marrying or married gay man over. One might argue that the homophobe believes that by being gay, you are hurting your family in your pursuit of happiness as a gay man. Yet, the individuals of the gay community bridle when said homophobe attempts to castigate us based on their assertion. But you can’t take on your own lane when such matters about marriage arise? Talk about double standards.

        • Max
          September 09, 08:22 Reply

          Getting married to a woman you have no feelings for is a conscious choice!
          Being gay isn’t a choice.
          If you can’t see the difference in that, then there’s nothing more I can say to you.

          • Pink Panther
            September 09, 08:35 Reply

            ‘Getting married to a woman you have no feelings for is a conscious choice!
            Being gay isn’t a choice.
            If you can’t see the difference in that, then there’s nothing more I can say to you.’

            You got his argument wrong, Max. He is implying from the point of view of those holding that belief. Homophobes believe being gay is a choice, just as you believe getting married is a choice. And for one who says he now understands the struggle, you still seem quite dismissive of the issue of getting married.

            • Max
              September 09, 09:18 Reply

              I understand why some ppl are hoes too. I still won’t endorse it.

      • Colossus
        September 09, 12:11 Reply

        Ok, to set the record straight Max, my comment was not directed at you or anybody in particular. It was a genalisation. A lot of people read KD and in generalising, I hoped one person at least would use this piece to help make his life smooter, getting married or remaining single. It’s not like I’ve ever campaigned for people to get married. I’m not the MGM illuminati.
        Now, for the paragraph I highlighted, it wasn’t a campaign for marriage or eternal bachelor hood, it was a campaign for happiness. We all choose our path to find it, not to compromise. In what way then has the path Mr. A has chosen, to the best of his happiness and those around him, have to do with the path Mr. B chose? You are walking your path, why do you always feel the need to get the bandwagon to also tow yours?
        You also seem to have the set notion that a gay man can never ever be happy in a marriage to a woman? Of all the millions or maybe thousands of gay men married to women, not one is happy? Not one? Oh cmon Max, even you know that statistics is flawed. Must the man have to ALWAYS be in a relationship with another man to be happy? Is that what happiness is all about to gay men? Marry another and happiness is definitely yours?
        My parents, a man and a woman for record purposes, were married until my father’s demise. Did he ever cheat on her? I can bet my left arse that he did. Did he ever love his wife and kids? I can bet my right arse that he also did. Can I correlate the two? I can’t and therefore left arseless since I’ve bet them both away. But one thing is certain, in his flaws and strengths, I’ll forever love him. That same emotion is all we sometimes ask from people. Warts and all, still love them, unconditionally. Especially when there is already a foundation to do so.
        For the record, pursuit of happiness is rarely a singular thing.

  2. #Chestnut
    September 09, 07:53 Reply

    Sensei, u have sense! I always say this: everybody’s journey/reality/situation(and age) is different, that is why some may not feel what others feel,when faced with the same options.

  3. Max
    September 09, 08:04 Reply

    Nigerian marriages Dont last. Get your facts right. They just live in the same house because of fear of shame that is associated with separation and divorce in this clime. Americans however have evolved above such rubbish, so they divorce.
    In Most Nigerian marriages, people live in pretense and just because they’ve not gone to court to divorce doesn’t make their marriage any more valid than the divorcee Americans who were once in love.
    Several parts of your argument holds water unlike the previous one you wrote. But as usual, you developed a lot of possible plots and ran away without really addressing any.
    I still think Nigeria’s/Nigerian’s mentality about marriage is still biased and crazy. So this marriage obsession isn’t just about gay people, it’s everybody. I still wouldn’t congratulate any “gay” man who’ll cave and get married to a woman, but few weeks ago I finally understood why some of them welcome the very idea of it.

    • Mandy
      September 09, 08:07 Reply

      ‘Nigerian marriages Dont last.’
      I have a problem with this bad habit you have for generalizing in your contempt for something. By your assertion then, we should take it that your parents aren’t genuinely happy together?

      • Max
        September 09, 08:20 Reply

        You can quote me anywhere, anytime. Nigerian women have come to accept that their husbands are gonna cheat and there’s nothing they can do about it, so they stay in the marriage even though they’re hurt. Americans don’t do such, one you cheat, your paper will be served.
        I haven’t seen a Nigerian man who doesn’t cheat on their spouse.
        And also it was really low of you to bring my parents into this discussion, the day I decide to talk about my family, I’ll send you an invite..until then, back off!!

        • Mandy
          September 09, 08:26 Reply

          Oh I’m sorry, we are now drawing lines on where to step on people’s toes? You, Max? Are drawing lines? Lol. This straight and narrow part you are walking appears riddled by potholes of hypocrisy.
          But anyway, I apologize for bringing your parents into it. Although they too constiutute this marriage issue you appear so confident to malign. You seem so jaded by your views that you have chosen to believe that no one marries and actually remains happy in their marriages. In other words, every Nigerian is living a lie in all marriages. Wow. Clap for yourself. You should publish your findings of this scintillating research sometime soon.

        • Tiercel de Claron
          September 09, 11:14 Reply

          You really should get out of the generalization business,Max.It makes you look somewhat a fool sometimes,no offence intended.
          Close to four decades of marriage and my dad never cheated nor was he unhappy.An initially arranged marriage that turned a love match tho he was some years older.Even when death did them part,he still hangs on to that love and it’s kept him going.
          You really shouldn’t have any say when it comes to human relationship,seeing as you don’t know much about it and what it entails.

          • Max
            September 09, 11:47 Reply

            So your father is all you have to show for the basis of your argument? What a shame. You know I’ve been “trying” to be nice here( emphasis on “trying” ), but people like you keep pushing it. If you can’t make an educated argument/ suggestion without using abusive words (like I’ve been trying to avoid lately), then shut the fuck up!!. Your 3 decades+ on this earth shouldn’t be a waste.

            • Tiercel de Claron
              September 09, 12:25 Reply

              Hehehehehe
              You can use all the abusive words you want,it’s water off a duck’s back to me.Your abuse vocabulary is limited compared to mine,anyway.

              You outrightly condemned ALL Nigerian marriages,made such sweeping assertion,and I only showed you an instance where I know you come off very wrong.Charity beginning at home,as the saying goes.Of course,I wouldn’t hold up my siblings’ yet,theirs is ongoing and it’s yet morning for them but I’ll say they are off to a good start.

              See,all I’m saying is tread carefully when you mount this your pulpit.Many a time,you’ve been proven to be dead wrong.Should you really have to comment on such issues,do try and give yourself some out rather than box yourself in,as you tend to do.Stop making sweeping assertions that are backed up with no fact.

              • Max
                September 09, 13:30 Reply

                Honey, you have an over-bloated self esteem and you sound very high handed. Don’t get this the wrong way, but you’re not as refined as you think. Whoever tells you otherwise is clearly deceiving you.
                And sometimes I just don’t bother arguing with some losers here, Thats why I don’t reply some comments, it doesnt mean anyone proved me wrong.

                • Tiercel de Claron
                  September 09, 14:52 Reply

                  An over-bloated self-esteem?.Hahahahahaha.
                  Sweetheart,ask around,we do have some friends in common,there’s nothing over-bloated about me.
                  And when it comes to refinement,you can only dream.

                  On more serious note,you really should work one toning down these your ‘absolutes’,not good for you.
                  Also,work on taking reprimands and criticisms in good grace.I know it can be hard,but I believe you can do it.
                  Oh,you’ve caught flatfooted many a time.Admitting it doesn’t mean you can’t be right another day.

                  • Max
                    September 09, 14:59 Reply

                    “Mutual friends”, well someone has been doing a lot of stalking lately” *coughs*
                    And in my first argument, I said “I’ve not seen” I’ve not seen a man who doesn’t cheat, I’ve only heard of them.
                    I haven’t seen a 33feet anaconda before, but I know it exists. So I can comfortably say I’ve not seen a snake more than 20 feet long & I’ll still be right.

                    • Keredim
                      September 09, 15:28

                      “And in my first argument, I said “I’ve not seen” I’ve not seen a man who doesn’t cheat, I’ve only heard of them…”

                      And TdC, there is your “out”!! Max DOES take correction…. In his own unique way ?

                    • Tiercel de Claron
                      September 09, 15:54

                      Hahahahaha.
                      You see why I didn’t lose hope in him now,ehn Kere?

                    • Tiercel de Claron
                      September 09, 16:05

                      Nah,I don’t stalk people.Have known who you are a while now.

                      Of men who don’t cheat,I’ve seen and a lot.I should,I’m one.
                      I’ve also known lots who do,their business.
                      Try and broaden your associations some,not so you approve of their ways,but so you understand the complexities that make up the human.

                      Next you’re down eastside,pay a visit to Okija.There’s some snake there that’ll wow you.Not sure it’s 20 feet long,but it’s still quite impressive.

                    • Max
                      September 09, 16:21

                      You’ve known for a while. I know, you’re not the only one watching. Pinky is the main hub when it comes to figuring out ppl.

                      Where exactly in Okija is this snake you speak of? Is it in a zoo? Or kept as a pet by someone?

                      And I’d also like to have a lunch with you and your boyfriend. It’ll be like having lunch with endangered species.

                    • Keredim
                      September 09, 16:49

                      Could this be the begining of a ménage a trois?

                      Will Max exceed his yearly sexual quota and have sex with 2 different people, albeit in the same room, in one day?

                      Tune in tomorrow for another exciting episode of “Diaries of a sexual Puritan”???

                    • Tiercel de Claron
                      September 09, 17:21

                      Buhahahahahahaha
                      Kere,I na ‘cho okwu.
                      @Max,me knowing who you are had nothing to do with Pinky.Tho he knows the me behind Tiercel,he’s not made the connection yet.
                      It really is a small world,you know.

                      The Okija python……………just travel and see.

                      Nope,we’re not endangered anything,you really should make more friends,meet more people.
                      I’ll run the lunch date by him,see if he’s agreeable.

                    • Max
                      September 09, 18:00

                      Oh he’ll agree alright.. I’ll throw in some incentive for him. ?

                    • Pink Panther
                      September 09, 20:04

                      “Diaries of a sexual Puritan”
                      Hahahahahahahahahahahaa!!! Keredim, you need Jesus.

                    • Keredim
                      September 09, 17:30

                      Hmm, so there will be an “anaconda” and a “Python” at this meeting…

                      Nikki Minaj bia kwa gere okwu o!!!
                      ?????????????

                    • Tiercel de Claron
                      September 09, 19:08

                      And I’d thought Chestnut messy.
                      You take the cake,my friend.

                    • Pink Panther
                      September 09, 20:00

                      ‘Try and broaden your associations some,not so you approve of their ways,but so you understand the complexities that make up the human.’

                      I love that! lol

    • Pink Panther
      September 09, 08:09 Reply

      Max, he ‘developed a lot of possible plots and ran away without really addressing any’?
      Hon, the name of the column is ‘The Question’. Sensei will throw open all shades of conundrums to the reading public and give you leeway to interpret however you can.
      I seem to remember however the last episode where Diablo accused him to answering all the questions himself. and here you are saying he doesn’t address anything. lol. These KDians sef.

      • Max
        September 09, 08:17 Reply

        “These KDians”.. Careful now before you’ll be accused of categorizing …by ME.

        • Pink Panther
          September 09, 08:18 Reply

          Oh forgive me. I forgot how much you despise labels. 🙂

    • Khaleesi
      September 09, 12:41 Reply

      @Max, bae, i dont 100% agree with your assertion about Nigerian marriages, true, an overwhelming majority of Nigerian men are unrepentant adulterers and deeply proud of it disgutingly, but there are still a few who are genuinely committed to their wives and even though they may occassionally slip up, its very clear that their hearts lie with their wives … but you’re right in saying that a lot of Nigerian marriages are merely empty shells which are on life support, simply kept alive for appearances sake ….

  4. ScarFace
    September 09, 09:06 Reply

    Marriage has and will ever be based on personal sentiments.
    If u want to get married then do so and if u don’t want to then don’t.
    I hate when sexuality is an excuse or reason for marriage.

  5. Vhar.
    September 09, 09:59 Reply

    A “W” is two “V”s in a civil union, but most of Us aren’t ready to flip that on our heads and let them go for the big “M”.

    Humans, Gay/Straight/Bisexual do not need anyone’s consent to get married to any gender they prefer or to stay single for life. Except for conscience, which is a raging bitch!

    Gay people getting married is not a threat to the institution of marriage. Like Francis said in one of today’s posts, when love hits (irrespective of the gender involved) nothing you’ll do to allay it will work.

    I am Gay and I do not want to get married. My decision.
    But I have fallen for Ladies before and they acknowledged that the feelings were very mutual. What stopped us from taking it further was the age difference between one and my truthful confession that I’ll always be attracted to guys to another. Mother wants me to get a beard because she doesn’t want the “Society” to call me names and make up assumptions about my singlehoodness and sexuality.
    The only reason I’ll decide to marry a Lady is if she accepts that I’m Gay and isn’t desperate and is not on a secret mission to change me from my “wrong ways”.

    Look, there’s no blueprint for good marriages. There are different threats and Stupidity is one them. Many homosexuals want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated-socially-responsible, family-centered-taxpaying, Little-rugrats-raising, nation-serving respectable married citizens with a woman, their choice. So why not welcome or encourage them? Why not recruit them by the vanload to sweep in on heroic wings and save the flagging and battered old institution of matrimony from a bunch of apathetic never-do-well heterosexual deadbeats like my Father?!

    • Keredim
      September 09, 10:49 Reply

      Wow!!! Thanks for sharing….I think?

    • Max
      September 09, 11:51 Reply

      Wow..what a revelation vhar

  6. ken
    September 09, 10:17 Reply

    When I was much younger, I despised married gay men. I wanted nothing to do with them cos to me they were filthy cheating liars who had nothing good to offer.

    But as I have gotten more matured, I am beginning to see the wisdom in marriage.
    The truth is, whether you like it or yes, there is an expiry date almost all gay “relationships”. If I am wrong show me any gay couple that have been together thru their lives. Its way too easy to break up when you are in a gay relatnship, especially since both of u are neither formally joined together or at the hip! Apart from the lust, which many people confuse for love, theres nothing really keeping both together. At the very least, straight couples have kids, extended family and a little court wahala that forces them to stay together. So if you say u never going to get married, can u really live alone forever?

    Besides, even if you say u cant marry cos u not attracted to or dont love her. Guess what? Attraction fades eventually, love get sour. I see marriage simply as a commitment to witness each other’s lives. To be there for each other, no matter what.

    For me, the question is not whether or not to get married. The question is whether or not to give full disclosure to my partner. Its the lies I have a problem with

    • Keredim
      September 09, 11:03 Reply

      Guys, before you cut ken down regarding his comments on the longevity of gay relationships, bear in mind he is referring to gay relationships in Nigeria and possibly other gay unfriendly countries?

      • Peak
        September 09, 11:18 Reply

        Ken! Ken!! Not today buddy, not today. Even with the clarification Keredim did in ur behalf, there are still things in ur comment that just flowed sideways.

    • Max
      September 09, 11:54 Reply

      @Ken, your comment is just the gloomy truth.. Emphasis on “force”. Marriage forces people to stay together. For gay people here, there’s nothing holding us from taking off.

    • Khaleesi
      September 09, 12:31 Reply

      @Ken, in climes where full marriage equality is assured to all, gay people also have kids, in-laws, and PLENTY court wahala as well, its called marriage equality because it gives all the benefits as well as the responsibilities and liabilities of marriage to all consenting adults regardless of sexual orientation …
      Your argument falls flat my dear, learn to see that there’s a bigger world out there than just Nigeria and in an increasingly globalised world, we are all potential global citizens …

      • Keredim
        September 09, 12:49 Reply

        “….. in an increasingly globalised world, we are all potential global citizens …”

        Maybe that’s the problem Khaleesi. Maybe we should take pause and develop our own version of being “gay”, rather than adopt the “globalised gay” template. (Trust me if you delved in the template, you will not like everything in it)

        For example, McDonald’s in India does not serve up beef, like they do in America.
        Maybe, just maybe the MGM lifestyle is our own version of being gay and is more acceptable to society. We cannot all be like Elton John and David Furnish.

        For the record, Kere is gay and single and even though he resides in the UK is still under pressure to get married. However if he did get married, it would be to a MAN. ?

      • ken
        September 09, 13:31 Reply

        @khaleesi
        First of all, I live in Nigeria and not some other fantastical fairyland, so I can only speak about my realities that I experience here.
        Secondly, I dont think you got my point. Even if gay marriage was allowed, its still too easy for breakups to happen. Especially when family dont approve. What you fail to realise is the fact that just bcos the law allows gays to get married in the western world, doesnt mean marriage is easy. If nigeria abolished the antigay law today, will your parents suddenly support your union?
        Compared to gay relationships, straight marriages survive and last the long haul because society has provided an entire system to support it. Straight couples pay less taxes, are legally protected from incriminating themselves, enjoy several economic and social benefits, revered by the church, actually encouraged to raise kids etc the list is endless. Whereas for most gay couples the romance stops in the bedroom.

        And if we really want to be honest, how many gay men will stick to you when ur no longer young, pretty and with a tight butt? Will he still love you when u are 60? 70 old, wrinkled and droopy? As gay men living in the closet our social life doesnt do much to promote life- partnership.

        • Khaleesi
          September 09, 14:11 Reply

          @Ken, again *** GRABS MEGAPHONE*** there is a huge wide world out there other than Nigeria, that you have chosen to fit your mind into the narrow cubicle of “Nigeria” is a personal decision, and doesnt change that fact. … there are places where gay relationships/marriages are treated as being as valid as straight ones, with the couple encouraged to raise kids if they so desire and note that in these same places, some straight couples also choose to NOT raise kids and no one bats an eyelid! And who lied to you that gay couples pay more taxes than straight ones? hello, again ***grabs megaphone and looks at you weirdly*** you must not have been following the debate, equal taxation is one of the crucial pillars on which the whole marriage equality debate rests,
          for the last time: full marriage equality ensures that ALL the rights, duties, liabilities, benefits, obligations, legally provided joys and miseries that accrue to a married straight couple, also accrue to a gay couple once they are married, indeed in some societies, even civil partnerships have most or all of these benefits already, please pay more attention to happenings outside your “Nigerian” cubicle …
          Again ***without megaphone*** the world has gone global and we are all potential global citizens …
          @Keredim, thanx so much, i never quite looked @ it from your perspective, you do have a point there!!

          • ken
            September 09, 15:20 Reply

            Either u missed the part where I said I live in Nigeria or you simply chose to ignore it. Perhaps things are picture perfect in that “wider world” you claim to be so good, but alas, most of us here live in Nigeria. Not all of us can elope or relocate. I am writing for those of us who live here, not in your utopia!
            And in Nigeria theres no such thing as gay marriage!
            *u can drop your megaphone now*

            • Khaleesi
              September 09, 16:14 Reply

              @Ken, toodles hun, remain in your Nigerian cubicle, both physically and mentally … am done here …

  7. Olly Goes
    September 09, 10:36 Reply

    Sensei. Making sense since 1901. When I become President u will be our Attorney General .

  8. jay-kay
    September 09, 10:47 Reply

    As a Nigerian Gay man, all I want is to be normal like every other, I am gay and it doesn’t make me abnormal, I just want to be like every other human being, get married, have children, watch them grow and call u “daddy”. Speaking about marrying a girl you don’t have sexual feelings for, I used to think I was So gay until I met a girl named queen, she told me point blank that I was the cutest thing she’d ever seen and that she loved me, I panicked cos I thought I would never have feelings for her, one night I told her that am gay, and she told me she suspected that, but wouldn’t mind to stil have me as her lover, the first night was embarrassing because it took me time before I got an erection, and ever since then I’ve met girls I had sexual feelings for, not all type of girls tho, i have feelings for girls, altho I knw am still gay, so u see? As a gay man, getting married isn’t that difficult, sexuality is fluid, one day u mite just bump into that very gal that’d sit on ur lap and u ejaculate. Lol

    • Pink Panther
      September 09, 10:53 Reply

      As a gay man, getting married isn’t that difficult?
      Please, don’t patronise.

    • Keredim
      September 09, 11:00 Reply

      Nice anecdote JK. But please remember, not all gay men can swing from one end to another.
      What arouses you sexually does not necessarily apply to all gay men.

      So saying “….as a gay man, getting married is not difficult…” is rather feeble minded, to say the least.

  9. Peak
    September 09, 11:06 Reply

    You shady lil cunt! All i see is classy shades left, right and center. Keep going like and u will snatch the king of shades (keredim) bald by the end of the year.

    Dear Sensei, my admiration for you grows with every alphabet you put out. Thank you, for speaking the truth, giving wisdom, lightening the loads of burdened hearts, making the travel and some of life’s decisions easy for other as well as bring others a step closer to finding peace. Well done.

    Marriage is a very sensitive subject to me, and I always tell ppl, if u dont have any business getting married, don’t! If you by chance find urself in the mess that is marriage, and u can’t deal, no be force, check out or die while trying to play pretend a little longer than necessary.

    Society expects us to be in one institution or the other at a certain age, and if you aren’t, then expect fire. A child is expected to have started his primary education not beyond age 6, if that doesn’t happen, the backlash and questioning begins. Same goes for secondary and tertiary education. After that u are expected to get a good job, marry and start rolling out babies, raise them that start counting down to the day you die. If ppl dont have problem with it, why should u? They didn’t make the chart, society did. If u want to take out ur frustration, pls take it out on society and not the men and women who are trying to make the best of the situation they found themselves.

    Just as we have sang hear endlessly how embracing our sexuality is our ticket towards finding happiness, and family, friends, colleagues, assocites, church/mosque etc be damned if they don’t like it, cos our happiness thrumps their happiness and approval about who we are. So why are suddenly concerned about if our marriage partner, family and the rest of the world would be happy if they find out we are married but actually gay? Where is the sudden empathy for how many ppl would be affected upon us being found out coming from? I thought only one person, and one person alone mattered? Whatever happened to my life, my happiness mantra? #TheHypocrisyOfItAll

  10. Slim Emmanuel
    September 09, 11:23 Reply

    I’m with Max. Nigerians confuse divorce with failure..And then there’s the bible, and the unending thirst for approval from society. Divorce is simply a step towards self realization and growth. You learn by making mistakes and maybe a failed marriage is what you need in order to find that special somebody. Americans, unlike Nigerians, prioritize happiness over anything in relationships. If both of you are no longer happy, you simply divorce.
    Personally, I think marriage is over exaggerated. What will marriage give me that I can’t get from being in a relationship? Children? Security? Happiness?. Is marriage compulsory? My opinion though.

  11. Dennis Macaulay
    September 09, 11:45 Reply

    **standing ovation**

    Nothing more to add, Sensei has smashed this subject with a sequined hammer!

    I am a gay man and I have made the decision not to get married (to a woman), not because I think gay men shouldnt get married but just because I don’t want to walk that road.

    I like women, I have been getting a lot of pussy lately, but still doesn’t change the fact that I am gay. I have my convictions and I have found my path in life and made my choices.

    I do not kid myself thinking it will be an easy ride, but for me there is no other way. To each his own! What ever you decide ensure it is your own script; do the casting yourself and move importantly be the director because this movie that is your life is too important to be left in the hands of others.

  12. sinnex
    September 09, 12:12 Reply

    Can someone summarise please.

    • Keredim
      September 09, 12:21 Reply

      @Sinnex, maybe you just sit this one out….?

  13. Khaleesi
    September 09, 12:24 Reply

    Wow Sensei, the skill with which you raise a shit storm of dust and while everyone is lurching around trying to find their bearings, you disappear into thin air. My dear, your intellect is of a rare kind!
    Its obvious that the issue of marriage is a raw and emotionally sensitive one to most gay men, especially once you cross your mid 20s and are likely to be finished with your education. Its obvious from everything that there’s really no hard and fast rule, this is an issue on which every man will have to be for himself, on the issue of “to marry or to not marry”, you will have to take into consideration your personal puculiar circumstances (known best to you), and all other related issues and decide (of your own volition), which path to take. Its easy to criticize and mock gays who succumb to pressure and seek refuge and validation under the cloak of a marriage; its also easy to view and weird as crazy gays who have decided that they cant deal with the deceit and pretence of living in a sham marriage. Just as well all have different faces, fates and destinies, our choices will likely be different.
    Like Sensei, i have learned to offer encouragement and support (as well as try to find the same). @Peak, there is a major flaw in your argument … “if we can damn churches/mosques, society etc and embrace our happiness, why should we not do the same to our actual/potential spouse?” … dear peak, the flaw of that argument is that the church and society are not as directly affected by our decisions (to get married or to not get married) as a spouse who is a direct partner and is therefore directly affected by our decision …
    My take on this is that you should bear in mind at all times that life is very short, and some things are just not worth it. Also, you deserve to live in peace and happiness (with a clear conscience) like everyone else …

  14. Rev; Hot
    September 09, 12:54 Reply

    Lol! i always have a gift of knowing which post would cause the most controversy ….

    and I smelt this one a mile away…

    sadly I got nothing to contribute….Get married. don’t get married. At the end of the day, its whoever’s happy that made the right choice….

  15. Peak
    September 09, 13:02 Reply

    @Khalessi, that question included ” family, friends, colleagues, assocites, church/mosque”, u must have missed it. We have seen terms like “family is overrated”, “your happiness come 1st before anyone else’s” among many other self propelling mantras. I’m just sort of surprised why folks who champion this line of thought in the past are suddenly particular about who gets AFFECTED in ur pursuit of happiness. Ur spouse or marriage partner is a family member. If u don’t care so much when issues about accepting urself was raised regardless of the possible outcome it would have on ur family and the society as a whole, why care when the issue of ur sexuality is discussed in the context of marriage?

    I merely cited examples by starting with the smallest unit of the society and broadened the scope of ppl who might be affected or have an opinion. All I’m saying is general is let the truth be the truth, lets stop skewing things to fit our current arguments/agenda without thinking it through.

    There is cost for everyone being happy. U getting a promotion that someone else thinks they equally deserve, topping ur class, getting married, dating someone there would always be someone made unhappy by u decision or things happening to you. Someone is always affected the advent of you being happy, that’s how unjverse works, and we both know you can make everyone happy.

  16. JustJames
    September 09, 15:40 Reply

    Humans..taking panadol for another person’s headache since forever.

    I think articles like these should be posed to young ones who haven’t really formed an opinion about marriage. Like help them realise that there’s a world where you get to pick whether you marry or not cause face it the oldies are already set in their ways.

    The unmarried gay men should honestly tell us what their journey is like and the married ones should do same.

    Hopefully by the time things are done I’ll be educated enough to understand whatever path I’m taking.

    • Max
      September 09, 16:14 Reply

      The married ones wouldn’t let you anywhere close to their marital life, except you’ve been good friends before he got married. And for the “good friend” type, he ll keep trying to turn you so you’ll be like him ie”: get married. And for the non-friends, they’ll only want you for your ass and nothing more, there’s a certificate binding him with a lady sitting in his skeleton-filled wardrobe. So you’re just a sports fish for him, a way to get away from the labours and stress of marriage and the discomfort of fucking a p*ssy. Don’t expect him to come clean to you about his true feelings, because in his mind, he has done the right thing.
      MGM’s wouldn’t truthfully tell you how they’re faring one on one, let alone write about it on a blog.
      Maybe its because of the dynamics of marriage ( you’re too busy/no time for writing or whatever) or maybe for another reason.
      Don’t hold your breath James.

      • Keredim
        September 09, 16:54 Reply

        Chei, the MGM(s) that did this to you has/have a lot to answer for?????

        • Max
          September 09, 18:04 Reply

          Naa, never done a married person before and never will. The thought of sharing a dick/man with a woman is traumatizing.

  17. Chuck
    September 09, 23:00 Reply

    Of course you can do whatever you want. You can also be judged based on what you do.

    If you do not share the same values/guidelines that are being used to judge you, that’s fine.

    If you are a hypocrite, some people see it as bad. Others think it’s ok. In the end we’ll all keep judging.

    Hopefully some of us can change laws and minds to reflect what we think (based on logic, reason, knowledge) is best for the community.

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