Call You Daddy Or Sir?
“So. What’s it like to only date older men?”
It’s a preference of mine to only be turned on by men who have existed way before I was born. A few minutes with a psychiatrist would probably reveal that I have some form of daddy issues.
I have to say though that when I say older men, I don’t mean Grand-Daddies. I’m not that depraved. And I do get attracted to guys my age; however, it’s one of those extremely rare situations and what-the-holy-hell cases where the chemistry actually shocks me.
Another pivotal reason for my thing with older men is that I’m attracted to a type of maturity that people my age mostly lack. I’m not saying older men are not immature; they completely are. But at this point, blame my father.
As I write this, I will be trying and sometimes failing to not generalize. I’m writing this article on the basis of men I’ve met and/or heard of with anything but malicious intent. This is my attempt at writing about an issue with little to no seriousness. Humans are complex and that’s what makes us beautiful. Nothing but love for everyone I’ve met. To be honest, despite the flaws, I like what I like a little too much.
I’m especially willful (my nice way of saying I’m stubborn) and it’s enough to drive my peers crazy. It’s worse with older people.
I’m going to share a few personal stories detailing a few experiences.
THE NICKNAMERS
I met a guy once; he was more than ten years older than I was. I can’t remember his name, so let’s call him Sunday. Sunday was the kind of guy whose personality you’d classify as a “meh”, but I get bored a lot and indulge things that amuse me. And Sunday was the definition of amusement. This guy actually flinched every time I called his name. I wondered if it was just a weird thing he had with hearing his name, but his friends casually called his name and his body didn’t immediately scream. Considering the fact that he was trying to get into my pants, I took way too much enjoyment in torturing him. I’d call his name unnecessarily, and each time, his features would contort with his discomfort. He was however adamant on seeing me more despite my apparent “lack of respect” with his name. My theory at this point was only a hunch, until he told me he’d prefer I call him a stupid nickname. By then the amusement he provided had become a bore and I didn’t want to call him anything anymore.
By the way, it’s not an exact science, but I’m almost certain that if you’re young and dating an older man, and he gives you a ridiculous name to call him that’s not his given name, then he low-key wants you to call him “Sir”.
THE TRADITIONALISTS
I hear all about how some women do the craziest things to let a man know they’re the woman for him; cook, clean and ”traditionally” respect the heck out of him. This is what society likes to view as the ideal woman. But thankfully, times are forcibly changing.
Some gay men keep saying “I’m not looking for a woman” as an objection to femininity in other gay men who could be potential lovers. I’ve been told some stupid nonsense that went like “I love how much of a man you are.” This was followed by a few minutes of me asking him to explain to me what a man is and why I qualify more than others.
And because of their traditional conditioning, some men – gay as they are – expect their partners to do things they saw their mothers do.
Some men have it in their heads that the younger man (and in most cases, bottoms) should somehow fulfill the role of the traditional idea of a wife. Basically, the only way some people (including gay men) can imagine a relationship is “Husband and Wife”; anything else and you’ll make their head spin. Now if you can somehow relate to this absurdity, it’s a hundred times worse when you meet some older men.
Monday would invite me over and cook for me, something I thought was sweet. I get cooked for a lot since I don’t particularly cook and this is something I do not hide. I clean up after as my way to balance the gesture. So, I didn’t think too much into Monday’s culinary gestures, until I heard from another friend about he felt disrespected that whenever I visited him, I simply sat and watched him cook.
“I don’t understand why he can’t just decide to take over from me in the kitchen,” my friend said Monday said.
Here’s the thing though, sir: if you want your man to tinker about in your kitchen, all you need to do is communicate. I’m not saying I’ll give you what you want – but at least, I’ll walk away before you get too salty.
THE POLITICIANS
Sometimes, I wonder about what scares egotistical men about their partners having more brain power than they do. You’d think the term “sit still and look pretty” is just a heterosexual people’s problem. But it’s not. I’m terrifying to some older men who think older means wiser.
I can be really quiet, sometimes because I know it is more trouble than it’s worth to converse with people around me (who are usually older). Older men love to feel powerful as they sprinkle their sage ideas upon the young ones. And yes, sometimes experience is the best type of knowledge. But I use “sometimes” very strongly here.
Sure, sometimes I sit still and look pretty. When I think the Tuesdays are cute enough, I pretend to be a stupid pretty little thing and listen with a curious expression as I soak up their wisdom.
But because I’m never okay with being apologetic over the fact that I can outsmart you under a table, on those days when I tell myself it’s okay to be terrifying, I charge into a war of dialogues and I watch Tuesday struggle to grasp the concept of someone younger telling him to his face that what he has just stated so brilliantly is complete ignorance. On days when I’m feeling especially mean, I employ the help of search engines because arguing is for fools. Even then, I still have to sit and watch him insist on how he isn’t wrong.
Some men, I guess, are just never ever wrong – especially, when the person attempting to correct them is a younger man.
THE HONORABLE ELDERS
I was invited to a sleepover once by one of my good friends. It was his really sweet attempt to shake me off a particularly painful heartbreak. His boyfriend was incredibly nice and didn’t mind me being a part of their date at the comedy show, which we went to first. I mostly enjoyed their company more than the show; Nigerian comedians sometimes need to stay onscreen. But I digress.
At the sleepover, I was one of the – if not the – youngest persons there. There were a bunch of other guys who were at the party. Wednesday was among them, and appeared to be one of the – if not the – oldest persons there. He also seemed very interested in me, but I didn’t care for it. I was still feeling too raw over my breakup to care for his attention, and at some point in the night, he seemed to get the message.
I thought I was done with him – until we woke up the next morning. We were all lounging about still, and Wednesday decided to start peppering me with personal questions as a new group topic. I answered some of them, until it all began to look and feel like this was “organized”. I voiced my discomfort at the interrogation, but Wednesday wouldn’t back off.
So, I shut off. I became a life-sized doll needing only to blink once or twice while the question was repeatedly thrown at me. I just couldn’t be bothered to respond anymore. And this started to upset Wednesday, with some of the other guys sharing in his upset over my audacity to ignore him.
Fast forward to days later, and I was sent messages from someone who was at the sleepover about how rude I was. Basically, everyone wondered who this “child” thought he was to be so disrespectful to their friend. There were also some threats about how my “fuck up” would be treated. The outrage was that Wednesday was old enough to be my daddy, and how could I be so disrespectful to my daddy?
LOL. This, after this same man tried to get into my pants? The audacity of me, disrespecting a whole damn Daddy right in the presence of other smaller daddies! My honorable elders were shook.
THE YORUBA IDEALISTS
I hear it’s just a “some”-men thing to think you’re superior to the other gender and anyone younger, but let’s stick to Yoruba ideals here. Years after this infamous sleepover, I was on social media when Thursday sent me a text, telling me he’d met me before. I looked at his picture and it frankly rang no bells. But I played along. I didn’t want to be rude. That decision was however stretched as the conversation with Thursday went on.
Thursday was one of Wednesday’s friends at the sleepover. That was where he met me, he said.
“But wow, you’re really rude though,” he said.
“I beg your pardon?”
“I just mean, that day, the way you behaved with Wednesday. It was disrespectful,” he went on.
“What exactly did I do wrong?” I asked.
“Well, as a Yoruba boy that I know you are, I didn’t expect it. You know that we are trained different than other Nigerians. We are trained to respect our elders.”
I laughed out loud after reading this – before going on to respond that being Yoruba does not make one stupid. I believe in a very firm understanding that “respect is reciprocal”. When I’d objected that I wasn’t comfortable with being badgered, my wishes should have been respected. That right there would have been real maturity. When I didn’t get that respect from Wednesday, then he didn’t deserve mine.
But Thursday was hell-bent on not getting the point. He could not fathom a world where Yoruba elders didn’t simply get respected, whatever they did.
Finally, now exasperated, I gently suggested, “You know what? I’d like you to leave me alone now.”
“Oh what? You’ll disrespect me too?” he returned.
You’d think he’d make a dignified exit from my DM, but Thursday still went on to ask for a hookup.
Sigh.
What is it with daddies and wanting to sleep with children? Honestly, where is the cultural morality we speak so highly of?
THE ADULTS
The Adult is the common name of all the aforementioned older men.
I’ve met too many of these type of men because, let’s face it, most people want their age to count for something. The Adult is your every day man simply motivated by the fact that age really isn’t just a number. They want you to respect them like you would respect your parents. That means no retaliation when they display disrespectful attitudes. You can’t jokingly call them certain names or use vulgar language around them. You can’t raise your voice at them in a fight – wait, scratch that; you can’t even fight with them. In all things, you should be submissive. They will use such words on you as “You’re just a child”, and you shouldn’t be offended by that. After all, they’re just that older than you.
And this dynamic wouldn’t be a problem, except this adult wants to do naughty-naughty things to you that adults simply shouldn’t do to “children”.
Adults like Friday men typically enjoy a young guy who personifies the zest of youth. Friday is not wrong for his preferences. And although Friday should typically enjoy the perks of his age, he loses some of them the moment he tries to be anything more than friends. You can’t disrespect your partner and be shocked when you’re disrespected too. Age has become a number the moment you choose to be partners. Respect and be respected.
I get asked a lot how I manage being in a relationship with older men. Friends immediately worry that I would be limited or not be free to be myself – which just means that they know how stubborn I am and worry that I will let myself go in order to be in that relationship. I tell them if anything, they should be scared for my partner. I’m willful, and this means I will be submissive if you’ll be just as submissive with me. I am your partner, not your chattel.
So, dear daddy, it is okay for him to disagree with you. It is okay for him to be smarter than you. And it is damn sure okay for you to learn from your younger partner.
Written by Abrams
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30 Comments
Ken
March 08, 09:33Bliv me, am all for female gender equity and bottom empowerment. But really wen u are in a concrete committed relationship (not flings or lust of one nighters) like marriage or something close to that, u are really in uncharted territory. And it’s different for every couple. So if your older partner likes u to call him sir, so what? Does it demean u or make u feel less? Society may not yet fully accept LGBT but their are somethings that are accepted bcos overtime we as a people have come to identify what works and what doesn’t.
You are the one that went for a guy 10yrs older than u, yet wen he demands respect u want to preach equality for us. The reason why many older guys refrain from copulating with d younger ones is the sheer immaturity, shallowness and acute narcissistic tendencies (not saying this applies to all tho). But we all shld learn some respect sometimes. If u can’t respect him then go for ur agemate or someone younger
King
March 08, 10:00Don’t you think I should call you sir because I want to and not cos you demand it. I understand the point you making but sometimes older people should understand that mutual respect is key. They alone are not more worthy or more deserving of respect than their partners. If age has equipped you enough then lead by example. If you don’t find it hard to accept your wrong and apologize then your partner will learn from you and have no choice than to follow your lead. I also think that some younger people feel because they roll with older people the idea of age should be relegated no aside partners respect him as a person who is older than you ( we are Africans) just like our society demands and thought us the fact he likes you or you both have something together is not enough to disrespect him.
Ken
March 08, 21:25Do u respect your parents because they demand it or because you want to?
Pink Panther
March 08, 10:18I don’t understand this. How can you be in an intimate relationship with a person and still expect to be called “sir”?
And secondly, “But we all shld learn some respect sometimes. If u can’t respect him then go for ur agemate or someone younger”… You have the entire writeup very twisted. Did you read the entire piece or did you get stuck somewhere before the end? Abrams wasn’t talking about not being able to respect someone older that he is dating. He is saying that both people in a romantic relationship or potential hookup situationship ought to respect each other. Respect is reciprocal. Younger people aren’t the only ones who should respect. Older people should too.
And again, how does calling one “sir” equal respect? How can we finish knowing each other in our naked state, and then emerge from the bedroom and you’ll expect me to start calling you “sir” because respect? Seriously? Is that what respect is?
Ken
March 08, 21:26Yes, that’s what respect is
Malik
March 12, 17:19It’s kinda a Yoruba thing. For me, except you ask me not to call you sir, if you’re significantly older than me, I will call you sir. Especially in public. The fact that we’re screwing doesn’t mean that I should relate with you differently than I would’ve if I met you at a hangout or at a conference.
Again, personal preference.
Mandy
March 08, 10:26“You are the one that went for a guy 10yrs older than u…”
Oga, he said he has a preference for older men. I hardly think that means he was going for men ten years older than him. If anything, the writeup shows that he is the one who gets chased by the older men. He simply says yes to them because they are his preference. And your entire comment reeks of someone who belongs in the category of older people the writer is lampooning. Explains why you are so pressed by it.
Respect is not a function of age, because there are older men who are just as immature as younger men, just as there are younger men who are much wiser and more mature than older men. If you want to be respected by someone you’re in a romantic relationship with, it’s not about going around demanding to be called “sir”. That’s just childish. It’s about carrying yourself with an character that inspires respect.
Terra
March 09, 12:36The beginning of this comment was like when white people say “I’m not racist, but…” Dude, no. Just…no. Let’s just quietly gather your whole take on this, lead it to the backyard and shoot it, because no.
Tman
March 09, 19:43Lol. Terra, why am I mentally liking your comment again and again?
Mandy
March 08, 10:31The way we are so obsessed with the respect culture in this country is the reason why adults get away with so much rubbish. Abrams, I’d like to think that, from your story, your spirit is just as strong and as willful as it is. As long as you don’t go out of your way to disrespect people just for the heck of it, you’ll be fine. I’m glad your eyes are open enough to see the bullshit some of these older men are capable of. Some of them, I’m sure, are stepping out on their wives, and want to transfer that “head of the family” mentality unto their outside runs. God punish them.
Keep being you, my dear. The older man who’ll appreciate you, headstrong smarts and all, will come along.
Now, about your daddy issues… 😀
Olutayo
March 08, 10:34??????? I laughed so hard at the Yoruba idealists. As a Yoruba guy myself, I can totally relate. We have been so cultured to respect without question, bowing and prostrating before every elder. I can understand why it becomes such a culture shock to the Yoruba older men who don’t get that same treatment from the younger guys in the gay community.
When I jam such men, I’m like, but sir, the difference between you and Baba Jide who I bowed for yesterday is that you’re fucking with me and he’s not.
BiMyRainbow
March 08, 12:10“… You’re fucking me and he’s not”
???
Abrams
March 08, 13:44??? I LOVE IT!
Ken
March 08, 21:29So bcos you are fucking means you shld abandon culture? Is that what ur parents taught u? Like bcos popsy de bang mumsy means she won’t respect him or what??
Olutayo
March 09, 05:40It’s funny when a gay man is trying to use culture to beat at other gay men’s choices. Oga, you’re an abomination to culture. So don’t come at me with that reach of a rant.
And secondly, yes, the fact that we fucked means that I don’t have to bow when I greet you. I don’t even know what your definition of respect is, but you can be respectful in ways that don’t seem like you’re treating your LOVER like he’s your senior brother. My mom respects my dad as much as he respects her, and that doesn’t include her bowing to him or calling him “sir”.
ken
March 09, 13:04Good for your mum then
Higwe
March 08, 12:32Can’t count the number of times I saw ” smart ” in this write up , yet I couldn’t find even one instance that made out the writer as even being remotely smart.
What really is smartness ?
To a leopard ( a predator) whose daily life revolves around catching preys , being smart is how he goes about his hunting activities.
To a gazelle ( a prey ) being smart is how he avoids getting hunted.
To a man ( a social creature ) being smart is how he successfully interacts with his fellow humans.
Upholding his essence while making things work out according to his plans.
***************
Sir Abrams , I have no doubt you were probably book smart in school, which kind of makes your claim of smartness not totally inaccurate – but this article is based on lifestyle and there I give you a zero .
Let’s see :
You repeatedly put yourself in harm’s way…..poking the bear et al.
You rubbished your friends’ good gesture ….*a truly smart person would have found a zillion and a thousand ways to get out of that uncomfortable scenario, without rubbing anyone the wrong way or putting the people who orchestrated his invite in a bad light.
You talked a lot about not wanting to be the pretty face who just sat and listened … funnily enough , most of the smartest people I know , always sit and listen ( empty vessels…),
not because they don’t have bountiful knowledge to give but because there is something to be learnt from everyone- even the biggest fool .
They listen , they absolve and turn those tidbits of theories into practicals and succeed .
You talked about outsmarting everyone under the table — yet you got your heart broken … made a mess in a gathering …. got a target on your back .
How exactly is this outsmarting everyone ? ????
All through the story , your attitude was as gaping as a recently ravaged butthole …how can one claim to be smart when every Tom , Dick , Harry and Joseph were able to figure you out so easily ??
***********
The world was built on a balancing scale.
Maintaining that balance is very essential for the survival of not only humanity but everything inhabiting in the world .
In a world of mostly give and take , striking the right balance between submissiveness and assertiveness , is the ultimate measure of smartness .
Anyone who lets one tipping scale completely obliterate the other , cannot and will not be considered SMART .
The way you choose to address the older men in your life is completely your business, but don’t come here feeding us this bullcrap about being smart when you lack tact , logic and a healthy dose of social Intelligence .
Abrams
March 08, 13:42I suppose you read this with your head in your ass and that’s okay, everyone’s entitled to be stupid.
Firstly, I’d love you to actually count the number of times you saw “smart”, if you can.
You know how to discern someone who reads without actually reading? they write illogical rants to call someone else illogical.
Your whole ridiculousness(1 out of 6 types stated) is on the basis that I stated that “I am smart” which if you read without your ugly bias, you’d have understood that I meant a larger problem of some older men not being okay with younger guys being smarter.
You do realize this whole piece is not just about me and depicts actual conversations with guys who date older guys…
”I’m writing this article on the basis of men I’ve met and/or heard of with anything but malicious intent. This is my attempt at writing about an issue with little to no seriousness.”
And I made a mess by choosing to not let myself be badgered???
Mr. Smarts, I don’t know you. I don’t care to but if tearing down people down to feel powerful(if that’s what you think you’re doing here) is your schtick, I do not welcome it.
I wrote this with apprehension because I love writing pieces that actually empower and not tear down. As stated above, I attempted to write it with as much humor and lightness as I could muster.
Some of y’all love to bash people with words that show your literary prowess and none of your compassion. I don’t give a hoot and my skin is thick to absorb some of this ridiculousness but attempt to understand that a lot of people who come here to tell their tales(despite opening up themselves for this sort of things) just wish to have a voice in a society where they are voiceless. Before you throw around your attempt at being shady and blunt ?, think.
Mandy
March 09, 05:42????????
Damn. Abrams is not here to suffer fools sha.
Julian_woodhouse
March 09, 10:12Ouch……we’d like a response from you Sir Higwe
No good deed must go unpunished
Black Dynasty
March 09, 10:13Excellent response!
Mike
March 08, 16:10Wait. I don’t understand how the only thing you picked out of the whole write-up, thats like 250 words or so, is the word smart.
How old are you exactly?.
Dear higwe, how does getting your heart broken fact in the word smart ?. Or today is Sunday and you no get work.
Wait, I even think it’s pointless to keep on typing, why the fuck am I typing.
Ken
March 08, 21:32Bwahahahaha ???
K.O
Seth
March 08, 14:23I thoroughly enjoyed this article. It also speaks to my experience with older people. I’ve been called proud/arrogant by elders who I verbally “spanked” more times than I can count. I gave up giving a shit years ago.
Mike
March 08, 16:00Hmmm, I’ll treat you like your normal, it’s really that simple. I treat them like they’re normal, younger just the same way I’ll treat someone I like. Doesn’t settle well with some, other people like it.
I don’t share in that virtue of gray hair as I’m not a traditionalist, if I were, I wouldn’t be gay. Same way I don’t particularly fancy being old. Matured yes, old no. While I appreciate agedness on someone else, I don’t like it on myself. Same way I wouldn’t call a chub, fat or remind them that they’re fat, cause I’m attracted all that mass, to me you’ll probably be the most attractive being in the world, and I’ll tell you that and treat you like it’s normal, then why would I want to be calling a person I want to bone sir or fatso, why ?. Doesn’t settle well with some, others are turned on by the audacity, while others appreciate the escape from the reality that is their age. I also do not like being called sir, boss or uncle, I’ve had a matured disposition since I was 15, so no point.
If it ain’t business outside sex, or an formal meeting, sorry no sir, there’s no point bring culture to the bed place. Duo I’m a well cultured person.
Black Dynasty
March 08, 19:32I smiled and giggled a few times whilst reading this as i could relate both personally and from friends experiences as well as when i was in teens/early 20’s and now I’m in my 30’s.
I can’t count how many times I’ve been hit up by younger men and early or later on in the convo, they start with the sir or zaddy or daddy etc. When i was younger, i couldn’t call older guys daddy etc etc… now i still can’t do it and have zero interest in being called the same.
Nice article, your sense of humour seeped through.
Phael
March 12, 06:33It feels like we are the same person….
“if anything they should be scared for my partner”…. So me
Stanley
December 31, 17:06Please how do I write on this blog
Pink Panther
December 31, 17:08Simply send your writeup to kitodiaries@gmail.com
Stanley
December 31, 16:59Wow