BIG AND BEAUTIFUL?

BIG AND BEAUTIFUL?

As a child, I was quite chubby. In the early years of my secondary school education, I was that junior student who attracted the sexual attention of the seniors by how protrusive my derriere was. The inseam of my shorts back then would often ride up my inner thighs, bunching up uncomfortably below my crotch whenever I walked. But my pudginess didn’t bother me; weightiness in a child of 11 or 12 years of age was considered a sign that he was well-fed, well-catered to and well-taken care of.

However, as I began to enter my teenage years, I started shedding the weight. By the time I was 16, I was a skinny boy. Not that I was stick-thin, no. I had enough meat on my bones to give me a bubble-butt and fleshy thighs. But my tummy was flat and my clothes hung well on me. As I went through the university, discovering my homosexuality and all the accoutrements that went with it, I wore my weight with confidence. When I began dating and being part of the hookup culture, it became clear that I checked all the boxes for the kind of guy that the gays generally found desirable.

Nice ass? Check!

Smooth-skinned? Check!!

Slim and sexy? Check, Check, CHECK!!!

The older I got and the more exposed I was to the culture of being gay in the world, the more aware I was of how fortunate I was to fit into the bracket of homosexuals that the world of the gays found aesthetically pleasing. I wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous, but I was a total package enough to never have a problem with getting a man in my bed.

As a foodie, I could eat anything and still maintain a svelte figure in my 20s. Genetics had also blessed me with toned biceps and pecs that added to the fitness of my frame. I’d never exercised a day in my life or ever gone on a diet, and yet, whenever people saw me, they’d think I was on some workout regimen.

“You mean you don’t go to the gym and yet your chest is like that?” a new acquaintance exclaimed as he ogled my faintly-defined pecs when I got naked for the sex we were about to have.

The fact that I could look so good with very little effort put into looking fit was something I was secretly proud of.

However, as I grew into my 30s, everything began to change. It started with the times I’d have a heavy meal and my bloated tummy wouldn’t snap back to flatness until after a few days. My skinny jeans began to no longer fit as my thighs got fleshier, and the tops that used to hang loosely down my body began to feel snug.

Still, there was nothing to worry about. If anything, this slight weight gain seemed to increase my desirability, as anytime I took a selfie of my ass and sent it to a potential hookup during our sexting, he’d go bonkers over how big it was.

Then I travelled home for the Christmas season in 2019. Before then, I hadn’t gone home in a long time, and my parents had started to really plead for me to come and see them and be with them. As the holiday season drew near in 2019, I finally relented and made plans to travel home to the East. When I got home, my mother was ecstatic and my father beamed as we hugged. My mother tut-tutted over how skinny I looked and my father nodded his agreement that I needed to be fed properly.

And feed me, they did.

All through the holiday, I did nothing but eat, sleep, watch movies on my laptop and eat some more. I didn’t go out to visit anyone, and whenever I did go out of the house, I’d either throw on my jallabiya or some shorts and T-shirt. I never dressed up to go anywhere because I had nowhere fancy I wanted to go to. (And perhaps, that was why I didn’t notice the changes that were wrecking my body).

I stayed mostly indoors, much to the delight of my mother, who would always ask me, “Nna, iriela ihe?” (Translated: Have you eaten?) It didn’t matter that I’d probably just had breakfast an hour ago, or that dinner would be ready in 45 minutes; my mother would always have a snack or a small plate of delicacy ready for me to munch on.

It wasn’t until I got back to Lagos in January that I realised the disaster that had occurred. I was standing in front of my mirror on that Monday morning, trying to put on a belt for the first time since the last time I put it on way back in December. And I was horrified to see that I was straining to reach the well-worn punch-hole on the belt that usually secured my trousers on my hips. When I got to it and fastened the belt, I couldn’t breathe. The belt buckle was biting into my underbelly. As I hastened to loosen the belt, I stared with dismay at the reflection in the mirror: the reflection of a man who now had a paunch.

I had piled on the weight!

My God!

And there were consequences too. More than half of my wardrobe could no longer fit me. I began to get easily breathless with the littlest exertion. Friends and colleagues would see me and do a double-take, exclaiming, “Oh wow! Na you dey enjoy o. See how big you’ve gotten.”

The surprised reactions to my weight gain got so frequent, that my self-esteem began to take a hit. It didn’t matter that most of these comments were jocular, never mean-spirited – like the friend who saw me one day and said, “What did you eat in that East you traveled to, a cow each day?” – I always felt targeted and self-conscious.

 I tried to work off the weight. I took to running, but the intense breathlessness I suffered after a few laps put a stop to that. I tried to watch what I ate, but I’d been a foodie for so long, I didn’t have the discipline to keep that up. When I came down with malaria, I tried to stay sick for as long as I could, whilst hoping that the appetite-deficient ailment would drop my weight.

Nothing was working, and I watched helplessly as I just kept adding weight, as my belly got paunchier, my neck got fuller and my legs got heavier. When a guy I hooked up with looked me in the eye and called me “zaddy”, I wanted to cry. I was 35 and he was just three years younger. I started feeling less and less attractive, and every time I took a selfie, I cringed at how pudgy I looked.

I started getting rejections on Grindr, the kind that stung. One guy who I’d exchanged pics with responded after he’d checked out my photo, “You look chubby. I don’t like chubby guys. Sorry.” And he blocked me before I could plead my case. (lol)

Then I met Mike. We’d chatted on Tinder and on the same day, he came over to see me. The chemistry was right and we had great sex that first date. He came back again a couple of days later and we fucked. The third time he came over, he wanted to spend the night, and most of that night was spent having sex. I liked him and he appeared to like me too.

However, it was during that third overnight hookup that I found myself falling for him. We had just finished having the first round of sex, and as I was getting up from the bed, I was immediately reaching for my top.

“Stop,” he said.

“Stop what?” I turned to face him.

“Don’t put on your shirt,” he said. “I’ve noticed that every time we have sex, as soon as it’s over, you rush to put on your shirt. It makes me feel weird because I’m still naked. And I’d like to look at you naked when we’re not fucking.”

I sat there, my heart suddenly pounding, my face flooding with heat. What could I say to this man? How could I tell him about how wounded my self-esteem had gotten over my body? How could I say to him that I’d become so self-conscious that I couldn’t bear to see him have a full view of my naked body without the veil of desire covering his eyes?

I felt so vulnerable.

I considered lying, throwing out some facetious remark that would dismiss his question and then kiss him to take his mind off the topic.

But when I opened my mouth, I heard myself saying, “That’s because I am fat.”

He gaped at me, as though he couldn’t believe what he’d heard. “You’re what?”

“Fat.”

“But you’re not fat.”

“I am.”

“You’re not.”

“Okay, maybe not fat-fat. But if you knew me way before, you’d see that I’ve really put on weight.”

“And that’s bad because…?”

“Well…it’s just…” I fumbled, searching for what to say. “I don’t feel good about how I now look.”

“Why? You don’t think you look good?”

“No, I don’t.”

“How can you think that?” He was aghast.

“People tell me that often.”

“People tell you that you don’t look good?” He was starting to look pissed.

“No, they don’t say the words exactly. But it’s the way they comment on my weight gain. And gay guys are especially mean about it. One guy I chatted with on Grindr… After he saw my pic, he declined any intention of hooking up. And then, the next day, when I saw him on the app, I saw that he had changed his profile bio to include: ‘I like slim, sexy guys. Please, if you’re fat or chubby, stay off.’”

“Jeezuz!” Mike gasped.

“Yeah. Encountering all these constant reminders that I’ve somehow failed a gay beauty standard has really fucked me up.”

“Yes, it has.” His voice was thick with compassion. “Come here, babe.” He pulled me into an embrace. He settled back in bed, pulling me close so that he was cuddling me. Then he said softly into my ear, “The gay community is full of douchebags. The guy that did that thing on Grindr is a douchebag. But not everybody is a douchebag. Not everybody likes slim and sexy. Some of us like big and beautiful. But all that doesn’t even matter, because at the end of the day, you look good just the way you are.”

I broke down and cried. Right there in his arms, I sobbed softly as I struggled to soak in the beautiful words he’d just spoken to me.

Mike and I were together for about two months. He made me happy. He made me very happy. But our situationship was short-lived, as two months later, he relocated to the United States for further studies. I was happy for him, but I was feeling an immense sadness inside.

After he left, I found myself thrust back into the hookup community as I carried on with life, sex and the pursuit of love. And I was shocked to realise just how much Mike had managed to make me forget how cruel gay men can be about their sexual preferences. There were successful hookups of course, and then there were rejections; rejections which stung because they were about of my weight. I was back to struggling with my self-esteem, and every time, I fought to cocoon myself with the thoughts of how beautiful Mike made me feel.

I am writing this story because earlier today, someone told me, “Aww babe, but…but chubby guys don’t turn me on. I like them slim and sexy.”

Someone I’d gone from Grindr to WhatsApp in our chats…

Someone who seemed very nice and had many sweet things to say about the time we’d spend together…

Someone who told me he was tired of random hookups and couldn’t wait for us to meet and discover if we could start something serious…

Someone who I’d been getting to know for weeks…

That someone took one look at my recent selfie upload on my WhatsApp status and asked me, “Babe, are you fat?”

Written by Dubem

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  1. Chubbychub
    February 27, 10:03 Reply

    Reading this is like watching my life play out. When I get a rejection I tell myself I’m too good for the person. It’s a whole lot to take in, but then life’s beautiful and so are you. Shout out to all the chubby guys out there.

    • BiggerIsBetter
      April 17, 10:13 Reply

      Chubbychub, I will really like to get to know you.
      One can’t have enough good friends.
      I like chubs, they make good friends

    • ChubbyLover
      April 17, 10:23 Reply

      We need to have a community of like minds….chubby& chasers.
      Will like to connect if you are interested.

  2. SwanDragon
    February 27, 10:05 Reply

    I can Imagine. The gay community can be very cruel. However, I have been in your shoes but this time around, I was told that I was slim and they liked chubby dudes.

    Meanwhile I don’t see myself as “slim” o!

  3. Peace
    February 27, 10:40 Reply

    Hey Dubem my love! I wish I could just reach in and give you a lengthy warm hug. Honestly it’s quite sad, and I’d have said “hey just ignore them and move on” but that isn’t easy either. As one who has faced rejection too, its not easy to just look past all these but here’s what I’ll tell you. Dubem baby no matter what, do not internalize this negativity again I beg you. Continue to remind yourself that you are amazing and beautiful and hot! Just the way you are. My hope is that you find your tribe. People who would cherish and adore and love you for who you are.
    We love you baby and don’t forget that we gat your back okay? ❤️❤️

  4. Willy Wanker
    February 27, 12:31 Reply

    That Mike fellow is a sensible human being and it’s a pity that we don’t have more people (everyone) like him.
    It’s OK to not be attracted to someone, but many people don’t bother to watch how they express that disinterest, and that’s sad.

  5. Ken
    February 27, 13:33 Reply

    Very honest piece. The truth is that many of us hurt others and cut them off either intentionally or subconsciously. The gay community is unfortunately obsessed with looks and physique. If it’s not ur weight, it’s the size of ur dick or height or something superficial. It’s such a shame. 90% of loneliness is caused by this shallow and unhelpful lifestyle.

  6. Bamidele
    February 27, 16:04 Reply

    Dear Dubem,
    All I can say is for you to strengthen yourself from within rather than shape your happiness in accordance to what people say. The world–in this case gay world–is generally shaped by discriminations. I used to think that body shaming was more western, but it seems to be everywhere. Sometimes, I wonder, if the discrimination we experience within is not nearly as intense as the homophobic discriminations in the society as a whole. Stay strong. head up; shoulders high.

  7. Black Dynasty
    February 27, 16:19 Reply

    I can fully empathise with you, having once been in the same boat mentally and currently in the same boat physically.

    I grew up going through the same mental anguish and knocks to self esteem as you. I went from havings abs to being chubby quite quickly. I even remember “no fat” was a regular feature on profiles where I spent my early adult years in Europe.

    Today however, my confidence lets me walk to the pool and beach shirtless with belly fully out and thick thighs and ass
    to match with zero regard for anyone else’s looks or opinions.

    The turning point for me was learning to accept myself exactly as I am and slowly but surely rebuilt my self esteem and confidence.

    I say this because i look back on so many years wasted with a low self esteem and feeling not good enough, not up to standard, not worthy, when all of that was simply untrue.

    On my proflle i always identify as stocky or chubby and my profile pics always include a side profile so the chunkiness is abundantly visible…..and guess what? Men still hit me up regularly.

    Don’t waste years and let time pass you by whilst trying to fit into someone else’s definition of beautiful, sexy or attractive is. There are men who find you attractive exactly as you are(Mike is proof), focus on them and pay little mind to the others; we get to choose what we focus on.

    “Not one drop of my self-worth depends on your acceptance of me” -Quincy Jones.

    • Rex
      February 28, 00:46 Reply

      Thank you ..simple and short

    • Richy
      March 06, 13:12 Reply

      People will always have preferences. It doesn’t make them bad people. That’s just the truth. You can’t police what people like. The key thing is to not let what they say bother you. Be proud of how you are. If you aren’t, you can work towards getting a body that makes you happy. I’m sure no one goes around getting down with just anyone. You might have even turned down a few people when you were hot. We all know what we want. Love and light Dubem ❤️

  8. Pie
    February 27, 19:18 Reply

    Ogbeni, go and lose some weight. Even if your hookups like you as you are, do you like yourself?

    • Rex
      February 27, 19:42 Reply

      Bold of you to assume that you will bully someone into going to loose weight, leave him alone guy…. You say it like it’s something you can pick on the road and wear then voila you’re slim…
      If he wants to loose weight that’s his prerogative. This rubbish talk of GO AND LOOSE weight is just nonsensical especially as you have no idea what it will take him to loose weight… Me being in the gym actively for over 4 months with the instructors help and all the resultd are very minute and can even frustrate you more than the fat you wanted to loose… So if you don’t have any kind words to say you can shove your opinion to the place that doesn’t see the sun, leave him the fuck alone .. no be you go tell am weffin to Do… PIE (such name)

    • BiggerIsBetter
      April 17, 10:17 Reply

      This is so unnecessary bro…..your approach is not it al all!!!

  9. Rexxy
    February 27, 19:33 Reply

    Hello chubby and stunningMike, this is coming from a fellow fat and I mean fat guy lmaoo, I love that you x-rayed our predicament but darling, we can’t let it put us down, it’s not the easiest thing to shed weight but if you’ll ever wanna shed weight let it because you wanna do it for your heart and stuff but never for any man… NEVER DARLING…

    Although my story is slightly different I’ve been the biggest child in the room since I remember my existence so I found a way to ride it but it’s similar in the sense that I faced rejection too alot in my late teens until I stumbled on a CHUB CHASER,BEAR LOVER,CHUB LOVER… These are people that actually want plus size people and darling… Has my life changed, so now my bio on any dafung site says: “CHUB LOVERS ONLY”, “IF YOU’RE NOT A CHUB LOVER STAY AWAY”, You can’t believe the healthy traffic you’ll attract ranging from Curious people to those that don’t mind “if you’re neat” leemao and then to the actual CHUB CHASERS that will absolutely adore you then to those that will lick the ground you walk on, those that will keep sending you pizza and get angry when you wanna go to the gym (avoid these people they are toxic lmaoo)….

    Declaration of what you want in your life filters those that don’t want you, if you hit me up or swipe right and give me that “I don’t like fat rubbish” you’re in for the bad mouthing of your life. I’ll baff you…
    Then you’ll also meet those that will follow you because they assume that fat people have money rotfllllllllllllll…. RUN SIR, RUN ..

    This is not me trying to over sexualise us but when you insist on what you want the world will follow…

    The only thing that should make you wanna lose weight is you…your choice.

    Don’t let anybdiy that doesn’t want you into your ur space and you’ll see that you’ll have enough positive vibes to even make you wanna loose weight…
    THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK….

    PS: ANY CHASERS HERE???

  10. Michael
    February 28, 11:52 Reply

    Self-acceptance is very important. You have to come to that place where you’d be able to look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see. There is no formula to this and that’s the sad part. However, you can start by literally standing in front of the mirror and gazing at yourself to assimilate your beauty.

    Another option is to exercise. I read your struggle with this and yes, I understand how difficult it can be at the beginning. The most important thing is, you have that option and you can always start whenever you’re ready unlike some folks who have irreversible conditions like unnecessarily oversized dicks of thing frames.

  11. blvck_c0ck
    March 11, 00:23 Reply

    Everytime I mention I’m into chubby guys, I get that weird look. While it might seem like the acceptable norm is slim and sexy, be rest assured there are a whole lot of guys who’d give anything to be with a chubby guy. Loosely borrowing from the lyrics of Bruno Mars, you’re amazing just the way you are

    • Rexxy
      March 11, 11:52 Reply

      True, the Chub CHASERS community might be a minority but definitely they exist, I have had my fair share of them although now work doesn’t afford me such luxury…. We Chubby bears love y’all to pieces…
      Meanwhile Hi, Black_Cock

  12. aequle
    March 17, 01:48 Reply

    I am really happy that this is the first thing that I got to see when I logged on this site, I am nineteen years old, I have received remarks that the author of this post has received but lately I have been in my head about what happens when I am in my late twenties and thirties and I do not look the way I look now, will I face rejection, how do I cope when I do face rejection and this posts and the comments have been really helpful.

  13. Senpai
    March 21, 08:54 Reply

    How can I write stories to kito diaries
    I’m kinda new hereಥ‿ಥ

  14. Chubby bubble butt
    April 12, 01:19 Reply

    Wow

    This is almost a mirror image of my story, growing up as a child I was skinny but getting to age 10, I started to look chubby as a child with a little feminine touch, then going to a boarding school brought a whole lot of drama, there you see seniors that tell you to your face that you disgust them at day but at night they begin to touch and molest you yet forming they are just trying to be curious, they would be like why would a boy be this chubby, shappy and curvy not withstanding I was loved by my teachers and many other pupils because I was super brilliant and bright academically.

    Time went on, I started having fuck mates both my mates and my seniors.

    Things started to change when I started engaging in sport activities, I started transitioning from been very very chubby as fat to been chubby sweet tall and spotlessly fair.

    Then I admired myself so much, I thought the whole world revolved around me.

    Then I graduated from secondary sch stayed at home for few months before gaining admission into the university then it seemed like I also gained admission into the school of fatness.

    Through out my first year in sch I just concentrated on my studies then in my second year in sch I made friends with people that always have a thing or two to say about my weight.

    I was self determined, would wake up 5am every morning and run round unizik , I did it for a whole semester and the transformation was heavenly, I started to see my cheek bones and shoulder bones , I because fairer as snow white, I became to get a whole lot of attention, clothes matched my new physique like condoms worn on BBCs .

    It really looked good on me , I got a lot of folks interested in me but I wasn’t really persistent the next semester, things started to go south .

    All the fat came back in it’s abundance and multiple folds.

    Protruded belly , super thick tight, big butt at a point my Jean size was and is 42 while my hip size is 51.
    So you can imagine.

    I looked like a plus sized model from afar.

    Alot of rejection started to rush in.

    They would say

    I don’t know you are this fat
    Please I don’t do chubs
    Please where do I start from your ass is too big.
    Did you inflate your hips
    Bla bla bla

    I worked on my self esteem, I don’t let ppl take glory and shines off me instead the reverse is the case.

    I became very defensive and arrogant and rude but that wasn’t my through self, it was just a defense mechanism.

    I just try to connect with those interested in my kind of commodity. If you love chubby btms then let’s flow but if you don’t then kindly take a bow .

    Ppl interested in me where those in their mid or last thirties to those in their sixties.

    I didn’t mind cause the older the best.

    I have come across few guys that are addicted to chubs like life support, I have also come across those guys that fall in the category of anything goes.

    The way you treat and carry yourself is the mental and physical picture people around you create about you.

    I can be super harsh if someone tries to be nasty with me and tries to drown my self esteem in the muds of the earth.

    Am currently working in lagos now , now I have a very busy schedule that barely gives me time , I have tried both diet and exercise casually and it’s not working .

    I am glad I am super flexible and I engage in aerobics alot.

    Weight loss is a gradual process that can be super slow .

    I have found peace and have made peace with my spirit, body and soul.

    I have friends that love me the way I am , I noticed the class of people into chubs are usually the matured men , like they say , real men eat meat while struggling men crack bones .

    I admire my self , I masturdate alot , please check your dictionary for the meaning before you misquote me ( it means taking yourself out on a date alone )

    Love yourself first , admire yourself first , be a reflection of what you want people to see in you.

    Be cheerful, be NEAT, be Sincere, smell NICE ,dress to kill, if you need girdle to look smart then buy and wear them , if you need waist trainers to stock in your flabby belly then buy it.

    Dress to kill, always give ppl a reason to give you admirable multiple gazes.

    I rest my case.

    • ChubbyLover
      April 17, 10:06 Reply

      Why don’t we have a platform that connects chubby and people that admire them.
      You sound like a good soul…..will like to connect if you are interested

    • Uche
      April 26, 22:21 Reply

      Would love to connect with you if you don’t mind.

      • ChubbyLover
        May 01, 01:51 Reply

        My major issue is connecting with a proper chubby folk. Only one person so far fits the bill but for some personal reasons I declined.
        So if you are up for it and you are chubby…..send a request via pinky. Looking forward to connecting.

    • Uche
      April 26, 22:22 Reply

      Would love to connect with you. If you don’t mind

      • ChubbyLover
        May 01, 01:49 Reply

        My major issue is connecting with a proper chubby folk. Only one person so far fits the bill but for some personal reasons I declined.
        So if you are up for it and you are chubby…..send a request via pinky. Looking forward to connecting.

    • Rex
      May 04, 11:56 Reply

      I love me some mature older men (35+) because that’s the class that will adore you and they also want stability it shows in how they are committed to friendships and relationships they won’t have energy to be jumping up and down like rabbits, it just gives pure joy to see someone love and appreciate you just as much as you do them it makes alot of sense….
      I’ve met a tonne of Chub chasers and they are sweeeet and addicted to the rolls and curves and all…

      Finally, like you said avoid nasty people even if they are chu chasers because some of them tend to make it look like they are doing you a favor, to hell with them actually.

  15. Joe
    April 15, 13:09 Reply

    Kitodairies,what’s happening?It’s been ages you guys posted stuffs here.

    • Loki
      April 15, 19:04 Reply

      I think say na only me notice sef o.
      I keep checking in everyday and waiting for my email alert bt everyday disappointment. I sha hope Pinky is ok and safe cause dia hiatus is becoming a cause for alarm on my part.

  16. Jaye
    April 17, 13:10 Reply

    “Not everybody likes slim and sexy. Some of us like big and beautiful”

    LOL

    • Rexxy
      May 04, 12:00 Reply

      Jaye dear, let’s get in touch mbok!!
      I’ll text PP to do his magic mbok

  17. Leon
    April 21, 19:29 Reply

    Sweetheart, you’re really not alone. All my life, I’ve faced rejection. Sometimes, they fuck just because they’re so horny and can’t help it, and whilst at it they keep their eyes closed and make some fake moan sounds probably to block out any mental pictures of the guy they’re in bed with, then after that they ghost you.

    Some say it to my face, and in the most unpleasant ways.

    I used to fight myself a lot. I worked out, placed myself on strict diets. What did I get? An ulcer and more self-hate. Then I stopped trying. I had to love me just the way I am, and if a man is willing to fuck, we do it with no strings attached.

    On the bright side, though, there have been some men who either liked me because of the fat or didn’t mind the fat.

    In the end, I’m BIG AND BEAUTIFUL AND GRATEFUL.

  18. ChubbyLover
    May 01, 01:47 Reply

    My major issue is that connecting a proper chubby folk. Only one person so far fits the bill but for some personal reasons I declined.
    So if you are up for it and you are chubby…..send a request via pinky. Looking forward to connecting.

    • Rex
      May 04, 11:57 Reply

      Personal reasons lol

    • Jakes
      June 17, 01:02 Reply

      Hello ChubbyLover… I’ll love to connect with you if you don’t mind, I’ll ask Pinky to request your email, looking forward to reaching you.

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