Dear KD: I Am Caught Between Wanting Him And Not Wanting Him
I’m 26, grew up in a devoted Muslim home in the North, which I’m sure you know is a repressive society that alienates anything non-conforming. My first sexual experience was after I had travelled out of country, after my final year at the university. Then, for me it was all about the sex, no small talk, just random hookups, no strings attached. I dared not think about a relationship with a guy because of my social and religious upbringing.
Four years later, I moved back to Kano. After keeping a low profile, I couldn’t stifle the urge any longer. I got back on Grindr and I eventually met him – Muhammad, the guy that would change my perspective on gay relationships.
It was his summer break and he was in Nigeria for the holiday in July last year. He was the perfect mash-up of kindness and affection. I am quite the reserved person, but the first time we went out, I had to make the effort to get to know him during dinner. I would later learn that he felt intimidated by me just sitting there, looking at him, listening and asking questions, to the extent that he had to go out of the restaurant to gather his thoughts.
After dinner, as we drove home, he told me to check my phone. I picked up my phone and the message from him read, “Can I hold your hands?”
It is always the little things that make me fall in love. And so, with one hand on the steering wheel, I held his hand and in that moment, all I wanted to do was kiss him, to feel his warmth against my skin. Moments later, I parked by the road and I did that. I kissed him and it was the most magical moment for me.
After that day, I would get very heartfelt messages from him every day in the morning, and I was the happiest person. I wanted to think of us as being in a relationship, but Muhammad didn’t like labels. He would tell me he loved me, but would never admit that we were in a relationship.
The rift began to happen after he returned back to his school overseas at the end of September. He began to get very demanding, wanting to hear from me every day. If my reply to his messages came more than several minutes late, he would want to know why. We began to fight because of that. He told me he did not understand his feelings, how he could feel so strongly for a guy to the point he was always checking his notifications to see if I was the one replying his messages. Muhammad has been with girls, but whether he is bisexual or gay, I do not know. Remember how he doesn’t like labels.
Eventually, in December, I broke up with him, because I’d gotten tired of his constant need for attention. And honestly, looking back, I began to realize that we did not have that much in common. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great person, attractive and very charming. But the distance underscored the fact that we simply weren’t that compatible. I found our chats very boring, and I’m the kind of person that can keep a chat going for ages with the right person.
He recently came back to Nigeria, and has messaged me to say he still has feelings for me. I texted him back, suggesting a friends-with-benefits kind of situation, but he was not into that. I lust for him, but I do not see myself being in a relationship with him again.
But I will not lie; gay hook-ups in the North are such a herculean task. It gets lonely sometimes. And I am tempted to go back on my resolve and be for him what he wants just so I can get down with him.
But would that be fair to him? Would it be fair to me? Do I go back to him and hope for the best?
By the way, if anyone reading is from Kano or its environs, feel free to shoot me an email at penpal.assad@gmail.com.
Submitted by Assad
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21 Comments
Ken
August 17, 07:20U have already answered your questions. Going back to him will be a very bad idea. Especially seeing that he’s someone who is easily possessive. And my dear, should u use and dump him remember: hell hath no fury like a gay obssessed man scorned.
Your best bet is to break it off and find someone else. Mohd is a poisoned apple, so keep off!
Assad
August 17, 18:10Uhmmm he’s actually not a vindictive person. Quite the contrary. I see where you’re coming from though.
Delle
August 17, 07:26First of all, I think you already know what you want and the implications of it should you go about it the way you plan to. Even your last paragraph (and this is me not wanting to be presumptive but not being able to help myself) slightly suggests you’re wanting only to get physical.
So you know what? Just tell him all this. Show him this story if this perfectly captures how you feel. I know how limiting it could be when you have to say these things as compared to it being written down. If he insists on not wanting that, PLEASE do not renege on your words because of an ulterior motive.
It’s manipulative and that hurts him in the end; deceptive of self and that hurts you. Your heart no longer lies with him but your penis apparently hasn’t left the bed, that’s tragic (to put it lightly).
I’m sure you’ll find someone who meets your needs.
Assad
August 17, 18:08You’re not being presumptuous. And I did tell him all this tbh, when he told me he still has feelings for me. But he’s not letting off easy I guess. I’ll just have to stand my ground.
Thank you for your input.
Black Dynasty
August 17, 07:29You already answered your question, you do not have feelings for him but would like to sleep with him and he doesn’t want that.
It will only really end one way if you go back, him heart broken when you can’t reciprocate his affections and you full of regret for entering wahala you know you could have avoided.
“Never allow loneliness drive you into the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with”.
I learnt this the hard way, I live in a country with few black people and even fewer Nigerians and from those, even less have their head set up correctly ?. Dating and meeting people here is a rarity too.
Assad
August 17, 18:12“Never allow loneliness drive you into the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with”.
I love this! I need to take a minute to imbibe this wisdom!!!
Sly
August 17, 07:32It won’t be fair to him. Don’t!
King
August 17, 11:55Don’t choke on this, you already have an answer, just do your will. If you that interested in him clarify it physically. Una fit shag consensually with no bad blood. If no still don’t forget the rainbow have many colors; Here in Kano too. ?? Lot of lights dear
Assad
August 17, 18:14Hello King, send me a mail, lets get to know each other if you don’t mind.
Michael
August 17, 14:29Bia Pink panther, we now add emails at the end of entries? Tell me oooh, cos I’m not getting any younger. My husband may be here.
Pink Panther
August 17, 18:51?????? Abeg o
God's Plaything
August 17, 15:37Hey Assad,
Here’s what I’m constantly reminding myself: freedom is doing what’s right, always.
IMO if what you feel for him isn’t what he feels for you, then you should let him go and wait for what’s yours to find you eventually.
Now I know it really isn’t friendly in these parts, and you’d often face the real fear of never finding anyone good enough, but remember you’re better off alone than being stuck in the wrong situation.
Eddie
August 17, 17:56Finally, a post from a Northern perspective lol…. My advice, lay the cards on the table and if he’s not game then quit while you’re at it…. If you think getting hooked up in Kano was stressful, try Jigawa ?…. Good luck
Assad
August 17, 18:17I’ve been to Jigawa a couple of times, I get what you’re saying lol
Assad
August 17, 18:29Thank you PP for posting ❤️. I think I will summon the courage to send you the backstory.
Muhammad did something naively that I have tried to convince myself that I wasn’t hurt or affected by it, but its all I can think of now after reading this.
Lopez
August 17, 18:52Michael you took those words out of my mouth, pink make send my email biko, to find husband no de easy o.
Assad, hooking up is not a Herculean task in the north, especially not in Kano where half the men there are into men( I figured out labels are difficult in the north). Put yourself out carefully, make some few friends, and you’ll meet people.
Seth
August 17, 23:37Going back and hoping for the best would only put you in a position of getting hurt and ultimately setting back your healing. Put yourself first in this situation.
And like you said, hookups here in the north is herculean. I have been here in Bauchi for over 5 months now and it has been lonely, maybe because I don’t know how to navigate hookup culture here in the north. I’m too wary and tend to get paranoid.
Roman God
August 19, 19:30I am in kano
Am btm , I could hook you up with tops .
Hoyeh
August 20, 23:23Thank you ma’ami! Market must sell by force!
MY BOYFRIEND AND THE OTHER MAN – KitoDiaries
August 24, 08:19[…] I know I said boredom and a lack of compatibility were the reasons why Muhammad and I broke up. […]
Chocolad??
September 08, 09:45I’m gonna agree with most of the comments here.
Seems there are many kano peeps on here. I’m in Kano too and I’m think I’m ready to have some fun.
HMU on twitter @chocolad9