Dear KD: I Have An American Daddy Who Wants To Marry Me
I made the acquaintance of this American Bear of a Dad on Facebook in November last year, but really didn’t give much attention to him and his interest in me because I thought he was a scam. But sometime in January, we got to really talking and I was surprised by how much good online company he was. Let’s call him Winston.
Winston seemed really into me and was always calling me. Video calls, WhatsApp calls, phone calls – daily wanting to hear my voice to know how I am doing and to just generally talk to me.
At some point, he even started inviting me into his life by introducing me to almost everyone that mattered to him. I’ve so far spoken to his children (who are very much adults, by the way) and just recently spoke to his parents. (FYI, Winston is older than my mother.)
Because of the mindset these Westerners have of Nigerians, I have held back on asking him for money, even though he has, of his own volition, sent me GOOD money twice, the last time for me to stock up for the lockdown period.
The situation has taken a turn that’s uncomfortable ever since Winston has been on my neck to come over to the States after the quarantine to get married to him, because, in his own words, he has fallen madly in love with me and is ready to settle down with me. According to him, he has even prepared a part of his apartment where I’d move into when I get over there.
The problem here is: first and foremost, this all seems too good to be true and I’m scared.
Secondly, he often complains that I don’t love him enough because I have refused to let him speak to any member of my family. (He’s spoken to my best friend though; even sent her some money on her birthday.)
And thirdly, he’s so into this whole marriage talk, that he’s insisting that when I come over and get married to him over there, he would also come with me to Nigeria so we can make the announcement to my family – something that terrifies me.
Please, I’m confused and caught between wanting to believe this will work out and just dumping and running from the whole situation. And in the long run, if I do commit, I’m afraid of it looking like I used him if things don’t work out the way he has planned it. I’m thinking about the long road ahead, and finding myself in a position where I’m at the mercy of his wrath if things don’t work out the way he wants them to.
Can anyone tell me what to do?
Submitted by Audrey
About author
You might also like
The Proposal: Three Nigerian Men Are Looking For Queer Women To Partner With In Contract Marriages
1. I am Prince, a 32-year-old gay businessman based in Eastern Nigeria. I’m looking for a Queer woman of any ethnicity (preferably Igbo) who’s interested in a mutual relationship which
THE PROPOSAL: A Queer Man Is Looking For A Partner For Marriage
Hello, my name is Emeka from Imo state, a 33-year-old, HIV+ Undetectable Bisexual man living and working in southwestern Nigeria. I have been undetectable for over six years with good
Dear KD: What Do I Do About The Growth In My Ass?
A few days ago, I noticed a white cluster in my ass (It’s not on the outside; it sorta shoots out and isn’t very obvious). It itches the way you
41 Comments
Ken
April 18, 06:30It won’t work cos u guys are living a fantasy.
Think about it, are u ready to come out to your entire family with probability of losing them if the don’t accept your decision, which u know they probably won’t.
Secondly even if u go to the States, getting married there in a foreign land where I don’t know anybody might not be the fairytale u imagine it to be.
More importantly, are u even ready to marry?? Ask yourself. If I were u I will just press stop on this movie before it gets too far. Let no one pressure u to marry. Think if your life and what u want from it, not what oyibo wants from ur life.
Mandy
April 18, 07:08Think about this like a Grindr hookup. When it’s all online and the chemistry is right and you are busy thinking how you’d like to fuck this till thy kingdom come. Then you meet him, and the passion fizzles out after a fuck or two.
That’s very likely what’s happening here. His appeal to you is a man who will take care of you and a better life abroad, and your appeal to him is this exotic foreign thing who’ll spice up his life in ways he can only dream of.
Chances are that you guys will meet, and these appeals will fulfill themselves into a lasting relationship. Or you’ll meet and find out how very wrong the chemistry is in real life. Or even worse, you’ll meet and one person is in his feeling and the other is so over it.
Ask yourself what you’ll do in the two latter scenarios. And talk to him seriously about it too. Let him know that there’s always the possibility that you guys will meet and the fantasy will wear off, and then what would he do about it. Start by communicating your reservations to him, let it be on the record that you told him.
Mitch
April 18, 09:24I couldn’t have said it any better myself.
RT a million times!
Shuga chocolata
April 18, 07:16Do you love him?
It boils down to you, are you willing to sacrifice for him and yourself, would you want to be a husband and step dad?
What happened if and when you guys get married, would he allow you grow in your area of specialization,
Are you willing to come out to your family, not because of the marriage but because you want to not because you have to.
Have you both discussed what you’ll be doing there when. You get there?
These are questions and more you need to ask yourself. I’ll go for it if it was me, because I’ve asked myself these questions a million times…….
Higwe
April 18, 07:50Just send me his number if you ain’t ready to marry him .?
This gummy cutie bear seems like he’s in need for some Sonny loving ….I can’t wait to take care of zaddy .?
*******************
On a serious note though , what are your instincts telling you ?
You know him much better than we do …you must have gotten a hunch; a feeling …don’t shut them down .
They’ll do a much better job of guiding you than any suggestions you’ll get here .
On one end this seems like a very remunerative venture but his urgency and your feeling of depaysement kinda makes things a bit hoary for me.
I’ll go liminal here ….I just might be robbing you of your one way ticket out of this shitty country or saving you from a nutcase…..so trust your fucking gut .
That shit never ever lies ??♂️
Noah
April 18, 07:53Lol what is the name of ds series???
If truth be told anyone that really mingled with white people will definitely know ds is just a lie.
Is very rare to fall in love with a person u never mt in person.
I mean a white man,a mature white man for that matters will never fall in love with you when u just mt in January on social App they call dat love fiction…he will never introduce you to his entire family when he just met you few weeks ago…and seriously he is pressuring you to marry him without even meeting you in person thats Totally impossible…
Audrey
April 18, 08:09The fact that you were unlovable doesn’t mean that others share same Ill luck as you and I didn’t send this in for you to tell me what’s true or not. And dearie if he doesn’t love me but has the means to splash close to 500k on my unlovable ass then I pray this fiction continues.
My dear this one is real and just so you know he just got off a video call with me because we got into a little argument and in his words HE COULDN’T FIND SLEEP KNOWING THAT I WAS UPSET.
If I eventually agree to going over like he demands you’d be the first I’ll send pictures. People can be Bitter sha oh
Leeman
April 18, 09:39At the end, it’s all about the money. These things can be confusing though, would be confused too with this kind of money involved and prospects for more.
Tell him your friends say hi…
chubbylover
April 18, 10:12Audrey my guy, it haf tey. Fact is, that 500K is less than $1450, not that big cash to spend if you have it….
The kito goon that sent 7K didn’t see it as big money I suppose thankfully the smart ass that collected it wasn’t begging either. Stay with me!
My point is 500k “seed”,daily calls, showing you to his Trump people etc should be carefully interpreted. A lot of things are in audio mode bro now. Why not wait till this Corona cephalgia goes down first.
Love has no defined timeframe sha……last last, everything is possible.
Audrey
April 18, 12:14You call $1450 small money! Lol
My dear some of us have relatives who has stayed in this abroad for years the most they’ve sent to us is less than a hundred dollar so my dear that money up there is a whole lot.
But that’s not the issue here the issue is that people tend to wish you failure because they themselves failed. Wetin concern me with your own love interest that didn’t find you worth a penny or na me tell am make e dump you. Oga if you didn’t have anything to say you should have just read and pass.
And just so you know at a eighteen I had a love interest come from SA just to see me here in Nigeria and was willing to leave with me but I refused because of same reasons NIGGA WAS WAY OLDER AND THERE WASN’T A GOOD STORY TO SELL MY PARENTS TO MAKE THEM APPROVE OF MY LEAVING THE COUNTRY ON MY OWN.
chubbylover
April 18, 16:29Chief please drop your sword biko. You seem all out for war already hence your inability to understand few lines.
Take your time and go through my post, nobody was stabbed anywhere.
Not a fighter…..love maker me!
When you finally enter Yankee…..have fun man.
Mike
April 18, 15:01Dear Audrey.
Do not bother, you already know your answer. You love him for the money, wait that’s not even love self. For the poor bear he may or may not be truly in love with you.
You specified the exact cash, he spent on your unlovable ass, when provoked, that’s not love, you won’t have attached a value to it if it were. Just saying. But already know this.
So don’t stress, drain the poor bear till his love wax cold. It’s typical and expected or humanely let him go.
But marry out of the question, if you risk your entire life for just cash you are already getting without stressing it, you go regret am, once the cash stops flowing and him eye open.
Audrey
April 18, 20:28And Mike the seer just ended up talking in the nonsense.
Jahbless_Azubuike
June 08, 17:51I got one baby,
is rare but is happening.
mine is so amazing..
I can’t wait to travel.
is just my studies that’s why,
I would’ve traveled long gone..
Gaia
April 18, 07:58There’s really no harm in trying if getting married to someone that old is what you considered *too good to be true*. If it doesn’t work out las las … you move on. That shouldn’t be entirely impossible.
Audrey
April 18, 08:04It’s not like he’s done anything that would want to make me check him out but the issue here is that the age is a problem for me. He’s sweet(Yes Winston is sweet) but my dear I don’t vibe to overly old men(Excepts he’s a NED O.).
We’ve talked about my future and he’s insisted that I’m sure going back to school whilst I build a career in something I’m passionate about. Spoke to him about my fear and he’s promised to come down after the Pandemic is over and in his words IF YOU DON’T LIKE AFTER YOU MEET ME I AIN’T GONNA FORCE YOU INTO ANYTHING. But for now it’s fingers crossed
Leeman
April 18, 09:36You seem to have it all figured out afterall. Thanks for bringing this to our notice, atleast we should be expecting a giveaway from you.
Congrats and good luck in your endeavours!
Mike
April 18, 15:05Honestly.
Like honestly.
Lanre
April 24, 05:36We should be friends, I like you.
Uche
April 18, 10:43Bro go over there to meet him first instead of him coming down to Nigeria. His expectations might be too high when he comes over. So first take a vacation maybe a month first ( all expenses paid by him of course ) then use that period to access him , if you like him and would want for it to Continue. Then you can come back , get ur affairs right here , get admission then travel back for your education . Get a job as well , make money too while schooling , at the same time be with him and get to know him better and if you wanna get married to him then fine.
Mean while your folks here will think it’s just school.if you then want to come out to them then fine Atleast there is a distance.
My point is don’t let him come to Nigeria first, and don’t rush to get married when you go over there. Atleast be self sustainable first Incase anything goes south.
Francis
May 01, 22:30I’m confused. The age is a problem for you and you’re not into overly old men but you still let him spend on you sha?! ?
It is well oh. I just hope you are prepared to finish what you started. Best wishes
Dan
April 18, 10:22You should check if that is even possible right now. With the restrictions placed on Nigerian travel to the US, are you actually able to do so right now? If yes, you should go and just visit first, that’s still currently permitted. If it turns out you guys connect, get married AND THEN COME BACK. After you’ve gotten your affairs here in order, you can consider telling your family. No matter how they take it, you have “insurance”; as a spouse to a citizen, you can’t be denied entry (for too long anyway). Good luck, age shouldn’t be a factor if you get along. Just look out for controlling behavior, that’s the biggest red flag with a large age difference.
bamidele
April 18, 10:33No need to say much after all what people have said. Let me emphasise here that race (as you’re black) matters in other parts of the world than it is in Nigeria. Virtually everything is about race. Also, people can be extra-ordinarily sweet when you haven’t met them. Living with someone is entirely something different. The issue of school is very good of you. You must embark on your own career so that if anything goes wrong in the future you’ll have something to fall back to. Also, it’s good that he plans to visit Nigeria first.
Finally, as others have said, be careful, be smart, be good.
Bubu
April 18, 10:55Bros,leave all this summary…if u ain’t intrested pls drop his number for me,my only pain is that have been to the U.S embassy twice,not as a gay man but a married man…If I were you I will throw the damn caution into the air and go get married to him,mind you he might be truly into you…dont mind all this grindr Jargon be stated here…oh!…how I wish I was the one?♀️?♀️?♀️?♀️?????
ChubbyLover
April 18, 16:08Erm…..you married right?
Bliss
April 18, 14:35Audrey
First of all, after this epidemic whatever. You can go visit him but no to get married.
You just meet him, spend some time with him and go out, also find out if you want to further your education (so that if things go side ways, you have acquired some Cert/qualifications for a reasonable job in Nigeria) or get a job there.
Also tell him about your fears. Please if you’re coming out, let it be on your terms not because of marriage.
Let him be the one to pay for the ticket and it will be two ways.. Fro and To
Audrey
April 18, 14:40I’m a Travel consultant sir and there’s nothing like a two ways ticket rather it’s called a Return Ticket. Thanks and God bless you.
I’ll give your opinions consideration though. Love from this end
chubbylover
April 18, 16:38Chill man, two way ticket= return ticket.
Audrey
April 18, 20:31Chubbylover it’s called a RETURN TICKET kindly ask you closest Aviator. Biko we learn and unlearn stop making it sound like it’s a war here. Thank me later
Lanre
April 24, 05:39You really need to calm your titties darling as nobody here is fighting you or dragging anything with you. Hian
Earl
April 18, 20:40God when?????
Lanre
April 24, 05:39Very soon my child
Steve
April 18, 23:20Wow!!…i can so relate to this,something like this happened to me around February but it was on Instagram ,Video calls and Texts too…also bear,loving and so caring…He wanted everything fast fast..already sent cash for my passport too,searched for a school for me to do my postgraduate studies but then I noticed his dominant character very fast especially when he insisted I call him daddy….I gave him back hot and he said he couldn’t cope with someone who would challenge his dominance and it ended there….So Audrey I’d advice you to think it through…you lowkey know what you want…weigh your chances and reason it out…Wish you the best.
Kristo
April 19, 00:49Sweetheart,
It is REALLY your decision….Obodo oyibo may look a glamorous and shi but God knows what people pass through dere ..so take your time if you feel hes worth it. Go and I’d you get there …omo get something doing ooo
Ur studies ???
Don’t let see finish enter ur Mata
And enjoy on the bright side (that’s if you are a bottom) old oyibo man no go too like jigijigi
And he’s poised to having small…kporon …na flenjour u dey ( that was a joke)
But it is good u found love and yes!! Even $100 na money ..dose guys hustle the fuck before they mKe money
So don’t downplay his generosity
McDuke
April 19, 05:53I don’t have any doubts about your story cos I’ve been in your position before. One thing about this older white lovers are they are lonely, love young black guys and like commitment. The only thing I’ll say is, if you’re moving to be with this guy, let it be on your own terms. You don’t have to commit into what you’re not certain of cos because of “the good stuffs”. You can first take a vacation and get to know each other better (you can look for places like Mauritius where you can easily get visa on arrival), physical compatibility is very important. Don’t be in a hurry to make any commitment neither should you be in a hurry to rush off to the states to be with this guy…
Audrey
April 19, 07:40Thanks McDuke your advice is really insightful and I think I’d really give it considerations.???
Rexxy
April 20, 03:57Bros use what your head wants and divide it with what your heart wants… Then you’ll probably find answer. Because no one on here can give you a response, only you can figure out what you want by yourself for yourself.
Gad
April 26, 14:26I had a similar proposal many years ago and I sought the counsel of my German friend who was working in Lagos then. He advised me to run. He told me that’s one of the ways drug barons uses to recruit Africans and Asians as drug couriers. The most Scarry one was the likely hood of ones organ like kidney being harvested. One striking thing my German friend asked was, ” why can’t he choose from the many blacks in the diaspora?.
Like you, I spoke with his family but unlike you,the man was being secretive about my enquiries .
However, stories abound of people who were genuine too. So ,consider the proposal diligently and don’t allow material things to influence your decision. If you really love him then follow your heart but if its his money and visa you love, you might be getting into a dangerous situation.
I wish you good luck and safety,Dear
Francis
May 01, 22:36Thank you oh. ? ? I wanted to mention this angle but them go say I don carry my paranoia come ?♂️
Jinchuriki
May 05, 10:20Doesn’t sound like a you have explained the realities of being gay in Nigeria to this daddy. Goodluck!
Abayomi Salawu
May 08, 17:50You need to thread carefully here. Him wanted to marry you is just a fantasy. Moreover, if you do end up in America with him and things don’t work out as planned. This bear of yours as a lover will have total control of you and things can be very though for you.
Follow your instincts and disregard his motives. We from the western world tend to fantasise over young brothers in Africa. It’s called Control.
Let him be and let him continue spending his money if he chooses.