DIARY OF A GAY NIGERIAN IN THE UK
The Grindr Culture Shock
I’d always known that experiencing the culture shock that comes with relocating from Nigeria to the United Kingdom was inevitable. However, I never imagined that I would be as taken aback as I was when I decided to open this diary.
There was the expected shock of how organized this place is: to be able to go to the bus station, wait for your bus according to the schedule on your Google Maps, and enjoy a ride in a clean and comfortable bus. There was also the expected shock of how NEPA does not “take light”, and how a larger population of the people here generally seem to have basic courtesy.
I had always assumed that living in a country where homosexuality is legal would be liberating and exciting, while presenting a limitless potential for exploring my sexuality and identity as a queer man. While it feels really good to be able to be queer in public, holding a man’s hand and kissing him outside a coffee shop, I was surprised that even in the UK, I still got to experience some of the usual toxicity and ‘ment’ I’d always associated with the Nigerian Grindr scene. With the things I have experienced on Grindr out here, I often find myself wondering, “Wetin beret not go see for Mercy Chinwo head?”
Some of the most striking of these experiences include:
THE DOWN-LOW MEN:
It is not like I did not expect to see DL men on Grindr in the UK. I was just surprised at how many they are – from the married men, to those in other forms of committed relationships with women. I was surprised at how many times I was told I would have to pass the backdoor or come in through some hidden entrance to avoid being seen by a neighbor who may report to the wife or girlfriend. I found it quite ironic how many married gay/bisexual men I encountered in a country where you can legally enjoy same-sex marriage.
There were also the DL folk who would ask the Grindr age-long question of “Are you femme?” Or camp, as they call it here – because they don’t want to be seen with effeminate guys, so people don’t question their sexuality.
THE ‘STRAIGHT’ MEN:
I find it quite laughable when I see names like ‘New Straight Guy’ or ‘Straight Top’ and so on, on Grindr. My dear gayblings, please, what is a heterosexual man doing on a gay app? If you say you are curious, I’d find it in my heart to understand. But Straight Top? How does that even follow? Biko make it make sense. It is not even as though these are gay-for-pay situations; for that, I would be able to wrap my head around. These are men masquerading as straight, and yet out here wanting the bussy.
Even more laughable is how, when I talk sex with these ‘straight’ guys, they talk about very, very gay things, some of which the sexually-liberated person that I am haven’t even tried before. Well, I sha steer clear of such confused people, because they are the type that have a shitload of baggage that is not worth it, no matter how good the D may be.
THE MEN WITH THE LITTLE DICKS
This is not to disparage anyone with a small penis, neither is it my intent to sound racist. In fact, I have always been a proponent of “Size does not matter”, seeing as I have had some mind-blowing sex from dudes with small to average penises. Therefore, I would never have thought that I would be picky about size.
But, omo, there are levels to it here o, because my first set of encounters were grossly unsatisfying, owing to how small these guys’ dicks were. I mean, if the dick can barely go beyond the first sphincter, how will it now reach to the back walls and hit the places that matter? I had to open my eyes and start asking for dick pics before agreeing to meet, because it would be better to stay in my house and use a dildo or even my fingers, than take a trip only to go and sit on a 2.5-inch pecker. I troway salute to my Nigerian men, because even the dicks that I had called small during my sexual experiences in Naija are at the very least average when it comes to these white men.
THE MEN WITH WEAK LIBIDO
I don’t think I’m reaching when I say that a significant proportion of white middle-aged men have erectile dysfunction. Because, how else will you explain them not being able to get hard enough to penetrate, even after premium foreplay and expert blowjob activities?
Initially, I wondered if this was because I was not sexy enough or that these guys didn’t find me attractive. However, I got to talk to other people about their experiences and the report was the same. So please, when you see that your Naija bobo that knows how to handle you and give it to you hot-hot, remember to thank them, because in all honesty, these white dudes no sabi. Till date, the most worthwhile hookups I have had here have been with black dudes.
THE CATFISHERS, TIME WASTERS AND PICTURE COLLECTORS
One common expression on many profiles here is ‘Not interested in time wasters’. I did not understand this until I got to chat with a couple of people who just string you along with a lot of lewd talk and faux eagerness to meet. These guys usually just want to collect pictures – nudes and face pictures alike – even when they know they have no intention of meeting. Some of these guys eventually go ahead to use these pictures, especially the nudes, to entice other guys. I did not realize how bad it was until someone sent me my own dick pic as his nudes. It was so ridiculous, because he went on to argue with me about how the dick picture I took while lying on my own bed, wearing my own onesie, and striking a pose that I am all too familiar with, was his. The absolute ment of it!
THE BLACK SKIN FETISHISTS
I also got to chat with (and even meet with a few) guys who seemed to be fascinated with having sex with a black-skinned boy. It might sound nice and even complimentary – until it hits you that this is fetishization. I would put these guys on a spectrum ranging from wanting to dominate a black-skinned guy to wanting to worship a black-skinned guy. It sounds crazy, but I was shocked at how racist and condescending some of these guys can be when they say stuff about how they’d like a black sub or a little black bitch boy to dominate. Some others seem so awed by the prospects of being fucked by a Black guy, to the point of wanting to ‘worship’ them; and please, note that I am not using the term ‘worship’ loosely. Some were even willing to pay and have the nastiest things done to them by a Black guy. Imagine someone who is into corpophilia, watersports, BDSM and the like, and experiencing even more pleasure from doing these things with a Black guy.
So, my biggest culture shock in the UK so far has been the Grindr culture shock. I found the obvious differences quite startling, not because they are unbelievable, but mainly because they are so different and also quite disappointing and dissatisfying.
However, experiencing femmephobia, internalized homophobia, toxic masculinity, MGM drama and all that on Grindr in a country where homosexuality is legal and there are laws against discrimination have given me a fresh perspective on how the need for societal approval, even in more developed climes, affects expression of one’s sexuality.
Written by Bryan Peters
About author
You might also like
THE HOOK-UP STORY VII
FOREWORD: Kito Diaries does not encourage the actions depicted in this story. The story is true but not representative of what we stand for. At all times, endeavour to play
Waka Pass Diaries (A New Kind of Salsa)
August 4 When I saw him walk into the venue, I felt a familiar crushing mix of resentment and desire. This was a guy who I both hated and wanted.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved (Entry 4)
Dear Eric, You changed my life. In many ways, you did. You might not know this but meeting you was a major highlight in my life. You taught me love
16 Comments
Mandy
August 16, 13:01😂😂😂😂 This is so hilarious. I don laff taya. It is the appropriation of dick pics for me. These UK gays have no joy o. Grindr must be a different kind of stressful there. Reminds me of the Netflix show, Uncoupled, and how Michael was having a hard time Grindr-ing there. lol.
Nice start to a series I hope will last. Bryan Peters, don’t think we’ve forgotten that you’ve kept us hanging on the doctor series you were writing o.
BRYAN PETERS
August 17, 11:43Hides face at in shame 🙈
Don’t worry, there will be follow up
Fallon Carrington.
August 16, 13:42I kinda knew this already.
My friends keep lamenting.🤣
Some abroad naija guys just respect themselves and hookup minimally. That’s why they come home once in a while, to see family and HAVE GREAT SEX.
You see that your “boyfriend” that you met online that “loves” you so much, I promise you high chances are that you’re not the only “one”. You’re one of several and he will want to have enough sex for that two weeks he will stay that will last him another 9 to 10 months.
Many Nigerians abroad hardly hookup there. DL-ism, jaded palate other unprintable reasons.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣
BRYAN PETERS
August 17, 11:48Comrade reduce your mic 🎤🙈
KingBert
August 16, 21:17This was the exactly the same thing a friend of mine that resides in Manchester narrated to me.
As for me, I stay in Dubai and here are the grindr shocks I experienced when I relocated here
First, you need to connect to VPN to get access to Grindr, Romeo or view gay porn here
Majority of the black guys on Grindr and sadly Nigerians are excorts and would charge to fuck with u
A lot of Asians and other white skin nationalities like the idea of getting fucked by black guys because we are the true definition of masculinity 😆
A lot of black guys on Grindr also have their supermarkets on there where they sell poppers and Prep since those are not obtainable in the UAE
Lastly catfishing is a thing here as well. I spent 100 aed on taxi to go see a guy last week and it turned out he wasn’t the person on the picture he sent. 100 aed is N18200 FYI. I just turn back shake my head dey go house.
Lastly I need a baby please. Only Dubai based . Indicate your interest and I’d release my email address to reach me on
Pink Panther
August 16, 22:25Damn. These are rough, mehn.
Black Dynasty
August 17, 02:30I can certainly confirm all of the above @ the UAE.
In addition to the above, there is an obsession with nationality. Typical first messages include “Hi, where from?”.
People will discriminate (decide whether you’re “worthy” of interaction or not), based solely on your passport. Lol we don’t exactly have the best of reputations.
I’m not in Dubai but a neighbouring city, hit me up if that’s cool.
BRYAN PETERS
August 17, 11:51Wow. Na wa o. And I thought my case was bad. Sending y’all love and light
Black Dynasty
August 17, 02:37😄 yup, queer men are the same just about everywhere you go. Different race, different culture but similar with very minor alterations based on the city.
I look forward to your shocks when you start exploring soho and the scene in general…. including the clubs and sauna experiences.
BRYAN PETERS
August 30, 21:18Lol. Been to a couple of those. And I am guessing you are referring to SweatBox in Soho. I have an entry about one of my sauna experiences 🤭. So stay tuned 😁
trystham
August 17, 10:34Their smell nko? Two have complained about their most times unwashed bodies and disdain for hygiene, even on worse scales than the dirtiest Nigerian. Experiences may differ, but is that true for most part?
BRYAN PETERS
August 17, 11:47See ehn, you killed it at ‘disdain for hygiene’. The number of times I’ve been on the verge of passing out because of the things I have seen in some of their bathrooms sha. And this is private bathroom in someone’s house o. Nor be say na public bathroom
O.B
August 26, 00:54Wow. I’m quite surprised.
Icandy
August 17, 11:13But you don’t get kitoed in obodo oyigbo. Do you?
BRYAN PETERS
August 17, 12:11I haven’t read of any such experiences
DIARY OF A GAY NIGERIAN IN THE UK (Entry 2) – KitoDiaries
August 30, 15:09[…] from my previous post, I am sure a lot of us here must think that the hookup culture in the UK is an abysmally hopeless […]